The Song Within

Of everything around me
I smile
But I don't feel a thing no

I'm proud. I know for fact what I did was right. Wrong for me…but right all at the same time. But how I wish I had more than just one year left…it kills me just to think about it. Every time I see the figure that had once been out of my life I get this warm feeling. But when I see the smiles and hear the laughter I do nothing but turn away. Not one thing is the same anymore. I don't even think straight. I feel weak. Congested. Confused. Regretful. Guilty. Jaded…Tired…maybe that's why I don't mind the sound of downfall…I'm tired…and even more numb than ever.

I'm so far from where I need to be
I've given up on faith, on everything
all I want, all I need
is some peace

I never knew I could ever care so much about him…now I am messed up and have no idea whatsoever what to do about it. I've always been messed up. Every time I try to get an answer. Explanation. Solution. I get launched back to the previous road. I feel like I am so old yet so young and naïve… I move on only to get back where I started again…and I never want to go back…ever. I need a destination.

Eating at the core of me
shut off
trusting all the lies I breathe

I should of never have brought him to that cemetery…or Bobby's… He would of never had found out. And things probably would have been much better now. I know he can feel it too…when we talk now he looks at me sometimes knowing that I don't tell him everything…it's so hard to tell the truth that I can barely do it anymore. All though what he doesn't know is that I can feel what he thinks as well sometimes…you don't have to only be a psychic to know what's going on in Sam's brain…all you really need is one look at his face and you can tell…he doesn't trust me anymore. He may not admit it but I know it's true. And even though I hate to say it…it saddens me…

I'm so far from where I need to be
I've given up on faith, on everything
all I wanted, all I needed
was some peace

I wish that I could wish. Cause now I don't want to go down this road and end it in less than what feels like three hours. I thought I needed peace…but now I know that no matter where I go it will never find me. A month ago I thought that I would find an answer. Turned out that was no answer. It was nothing but a disaster yet to come. And now it hurts more than ever. I feel pain in every organ…and I know now that as much as I never wanted him to leave me that it's harder for me to leave him. Man, I should have listened.

There's a hole
Inside of me
it's so damn cold
Slowly killing me

I feel so cold. Everyday goes by slowly taunting me. It laughs as a part of me gets more and more gashed and torn…broken. Unfortunately you can't rebuild something that has already been broken unless you put it back together again. These gashes though…they're killing me…and I'm not so sure those parts of me are replaceable by filling them with foreign pieces…eleven more months…

Sinking ever so slowly
So far from where I should be
No hands reaching out for me
Help me, help me

I'm changing. Sam, Bobby, and Ellen have noticed it too. Though it's something we all rather not talk about. True Ellen will bring things in relation to it up in a conversation. But she has no idea about the Deal yet. Sam's been trying to tell her but every time he starts I stop him. I don't want any more lectures from anybody on what a 'mistake' I made. Everything bothers me now. I hate talking to people…I don't look at people…sometimes I don't even want to be with people…I don't even know why. All I know is that I need to be left alone sometimes…and then there's other times when It feels as though I'm drowning…and that's when I wish someone could help me…cause those are the times when I feel so damn depressed.

Something's gone
I can feel it
It's all wrong
I'm so sick of this

I hate this… Now I know why people go insane when they're being tortured slowly. Cause this is pure torture, and it goes by ever so slowly…like each day is double each minute in a day. All though one thing has surprised me. Most of the torture is Sam. He always gives me this guilty mourning face now…it's terrible. I'm also noticing the changes in him. He's not himself anymore…I'm not myself anymore…Damn, I don't even want this anymore…It's stolen something from me that I can't recall…all I know is that I want it back.

There's a hole
Inside of me
It's so cold
Slowly killing me

I hate this gap in my life. I want it gone now. But it all keeps coming back. I doesn't matter how it comes back it just does…and in different ways. I wish it would stop. I wish I didn't feel as if I was dead all ready. I wish Sam would understand why I did what I did………I wish he'd know what I go through each day………I wish he could hear the song that hums within me……

There's a hole
Inside of me
It's so damn cold
Slowly killing me

I'm not too sure but I might add more chapters to this... also the song is by Kelly Clarkson and it's called Hole.

- Emberseve