This is Not Titanic

By Samurai-Nashie

Disclaimer: I own DVDs of the 1958 Titanic, A Night To Remember, the 1996 Titanic miniseries, and the special edition of the 1997 version. I also own book compiling the Senate hearings to the Titanic sinking, two Titanic fiction books, three Titanic research books, the Titanic Broadway soundtrack, and the book that goes with that CD.

Um…I don't own Kingdom Hearts. And I lay no claim to the ship (despite the incredible amount of evidence above to prove otherwise).


Once upon a time, there was a fellow named James Cameron who decided that he wanted to be really really famous. So he got a group of other people together and said, "Hey, lets be famous!" And the other people, "Yes, verily!" And the group of people, plus one fellow named James Cameron, got together and put together a project.

And this project was henceforth dubbed "Planet Ice" but, after deciding that such a name sounded too stupid and too much like an episode off a random National Geographic show or magazine or…something sciency like that, they realized it probably wasn't a very good idea. Bad science fiction movie notwithstanding, the title was changed.

So it was as the appropriately-named Titanic that the grossly over-budgeted movie premiered in late 1997.

And Titanic went on to make a kabajillion dollars and win five million Oscars and the song that that lovely French-Canadian lady sang was only played on the radio six hundred thousand times…every day. Not even a movie about pirates with questionable hygiene or a guy who thinks he's a spider with questionable fashion sense could pass that (though a movie about little tiny dudes looking for ring of questionable homicidal magic powers tried).

Since then, its two stars, Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, have faded into anonymity (gosh, the narrator really thought that they would HUGE stars by now with multiple Oscar nominations and the like…humph). Titanic soared into the history books once again…

Ten years later, it's anniversary time.

…and the narrator only thinks it's quite right that the cast of Kingdom Hearts get a part of the action.

Yup, sucks to be them.


It was a dark and stormy night.

Okay, so if by dark and stormy, you meant bright and sunny, and if by night you meant middle of the afternoon…then yes. It was indeed a very dark and very stormy night. Details, details. It does sound more spectacular the first way around. And much more angsty. And we all know that Kingdom Hearts could use more angst…right?

Anyway, it was a dark and stormy…uh…a bright and sunny afternoon.

And Axel hated water.

Not a surprise, really, considering that the eighth member of the Organization had control over the exact opposite element. And goshdarnit, water was wet and Axel did not like to get wet. It messed up his hair (which, after drying, became a nice little red afro that made him the source of constant teasing amongst Xigbar, Demyx, and Larxene), and trudging around in a heavy wet leather coat was not his idea of fun (he blamed Roxas for that mission – damn those singing crabs).

(Actually…just don't ask about that mission. There was cheesecake at ransom, and Xaldin still has yet to live down the whole incident with the Samuel L. Jackson wax statue…)


The fact that Axel hated water definitely wasn't good news, considering what movie they were currently filming. It had taken a good deal of persuasion on Roxas' part (and not that kind of persuasion - MINDS OUT OF GUTTER FANGIRLS!!!) and the promise of root beer-flavored jelly beans in order to pull the red-headed fire-wielder onto the set. And even then, the rest of the cast was subject to Axel's mutterings about drowning, dolphins, and yellow submarines.

That was how Demyx found him one morning before shooting began. (In complete contradiction, Demyx had been very happy once Vexen had explained to him what Titanic was about, and that it involved lots and lots of water. Very, very, very cold water. And dolphins). The ninth member of the Organization was casually walking around the re-created Southampton docks, wondering how in the world he had gotten stuck in a role where he had to wears hats again, when he stumbled across Axel glaring at the very big, very titanic…er…Titanic.

"Hey, Axel!"

Axel glared at him.

"Yup, good morning to you too!" Demyx said cheerfully, glancing up at the ginormous ship. "Looking forward to starting?"


"Ah, okay." And when it became clear to Demyx that Axel wasn't inclined to go deeper into conversation, he grinned and did what Demyx always did - kept talking for no apparent reason. After all, the more screen time he got, the more fangirls he got (though…considering in the second - or third - game, our resident sitar-player occupied less than three minutes of screen time). "So, this should be a lot better than High School Musical. At least we're not getting brainwashed this time. Okay, so technically, I wasn't brainwashed - and you think the fact that I saved everybody would get me some more respect but no - "

Axel scowled. "Demyx - shut up."

"Axel, this thing you have with water has got to go," Demyx said with a bright smile, gesturing to the giant ship. "We're going to be on an unsinkable ship for the next…er…however long it takes to finish this thing, and then it's smooth sailing from there."

"This "unsinkable" ship sinks, Demyx. Remember the huge "IRONY" sign that got delivered with the scripts? And all of us have to get into the water." He frowned suspiciously. "Actually, you don't have to."

Demyx grinned. "Yah, I'm just lucky like that."

The resulting fire and mushroom cloud was probably not Axel's fault (at least that's what he would claim later), but it did burn up quite a lot of nifty wooden boxes and created a cool Hades-esque affect on Demyx's hair. It actually was quite funny to see Demyx running back and forth in a panic until he realized that he controlled water and could affectively douse himself.

Of course, it took him awhile to realize this, and when he finally did conjure up a nifty-looking FMV-geyser, his White Star uniform was decidedly scorched and soaked.

Crap and a half.


Welcome to the part of the story where the narrator explains everything leading up to the story in lavishly-detailed paragraphs filled with exposition. And the reader will sigh in annoyance, but grudgingly read through information that they needed to know in order to make any sense of the hopelessly garbled story.

But in order to make this tiresome practice more entertaining, the narrator has hired Mr. Sean Connery to read the exposition in thrilling, Scottish detail!

At least, that's what the narrator would say if she actually had any way to pay Mr. Connery. So, the narrator supposes that it'll have to be typical, boring story format. Sorry, y'all.

As it turns out, soon after the disaster known as High School Musical came to a close (in a not-so-rip-roaring-off-scene-exploding finale), forces unbeknownst to the Organization were already planning to pull the Nobodies into something even more dire than a Disney-musical - a famous romantic drama, not quite unlike Gone With the Wind (the narrator personally thinks that Roxas would have made an absolutely darling Scarlett O'Hara).

The forces that would set this evil plan into motion were currently unknown to the Organization (though they suspected that someone named Voldemort was behind all of it). However, once again, when presented with the unbreakable contracts, the Organization had come to the realization that they were between a rock and a hard place again.

There was some amusement in the fact that even Xemnas hadn't escaped the wrath of the contracts this time around.

The Organization's Superior, who had FINALLY stopped monologuing about Kingdom Hearts some days after the end of the last story, had received a nice platinum edition version of the contract (complete with a fifty-dollar mail-in rebate and a holographic card of a smiling lawyer holding up a trout). Xemnas had stared blankly at the contract for a minute or so before reading the bright pink Post-It note attached to the five-inch thick tome that read: HAVE FUN!

Xemnas had later cursed every known cursable thing and pouted miserably about the unfairness that is contracts and really really big scripts.

Lexaeus had thought about the whole thing, and suggested to Xemnas, "Well, look at it this way: at least we don't have to do the musical version of Titanic." (And yes, readers. It does exist - it even won the Tony for best musical…yes, it is a strange world).

Somehow, Xemnas was not comforted by that thought at all.

Now, as for the question of how in the world the crew had managed to recreate the Titanic itself (which, of course, they going to sink in a magnificent showing of awesome CG-affects that would put The Matrix to shame and win them lots of Academy Awards, despite the fact no really watched that part of the Academy Awards…)…well, lets just say it involved Luxord, forty-thousand munny, some blue paint, and an amazing rendition of "Beyond the Sea". Either way, they got a remarkably identical ship and discount coupons to IHOP.

Luxord congratulated himself on a good deal if he had ever heard one.

Either way, with the ship sitting on some random nonexistent port, and random Nobodies casted in the parts of extras, the only thing left to do was, of course, everyone's least favorite part of shooting a movie. The casting.

And, as was suspected, everything went downhill once the Organization found out who they had to portray, there was much grumbling and muttering and actually quite a bit of death threats…

Roxas and Axel, of course, hadn't said a single word of complaint. After all, they were just relieved that by some stroke of luck, they hadn't been cast into the parts of Rose and Jack. Roxas had guessed that maybe the casting director (whichever idiot was in charge this go-around) had just been colorblind and simply hadn't seen the color of Axel's hair, but he was glad nonetheless that he didn't have to pretend to fly on the bow of the ship.

It definitely sucked to be Sora and Kairi though.

The narrator is pretty sure that the Sentinel that had been watching over the Destiny Island trio still is in the repair shop after Kairi throttled it when finding out that her character had a scene lacking in the clothing department and a kinky backseat sex scene with Sora (Sora, on the other hand, had turned around five different shades of red before collapsing because of a nosebleed - Riku had been faintly amused by the entire thing).

Well, it wasn't all bad. Because Sora, Riku, and Kairi had been pulled into the production this time (along with a slightly bewildered Naminé), and none of their fancy contract negotiations could get them out, the trio had demanded that if they had to be in it, then it was only fair if certain other people had to suffer along with them.

Which is why, at eight o'clock in the morning, Cid Highwind was reading through his script and cursing James Cameron, the Atlantic Ocean, and toaster strudels, all while trying to ignore Yuffie who was cheerfully whistling "Row Row Row Your Boat" in a constant round.

"Wouldja shut up already? You're givin' me a headache," the engineer muttered darkly as he glared at the toaster that simply refused to emit a strudel without making it Cajun-styled. Yuffie grinned, and wagged her finger at him.

"Cid, it's a toaster - not that hard to figure out," the ninja teased. "See - this button means toast."

"Argh!" Cid began to bang the toaster against the counter and chewed miserably on his…piece of straw? Because of course, he had been Disneyfied, and simply could not be chewing on the cigarette that so often hung out of his mouth in his native game. Cid is therefore addicted to straws, bales of hay, and blades of yellow grass for the rest of this story simply because he can't have any nicotine. Except for the gum. Maybe the gum.

"They were right - the narrator does ramble a lot," noted Aerith (or Aeris, seeing as how Squeenix so cleverly decided to avoid pronouncing her name in both Kingdom Hearts and Advent Children - losers). She was currently being pretty and kind-hearted and mystical and not-dead-for-some-unexplained-reason on the other side of the room. "See?"

"Yah, yah, yah," Cid grumbled as the toaster exacted its revenge and popped a flaming strudel right into his face, happily burnt to a crisp. "Argh!"

As Cid then proceeded to cuss out the toaster in every imaginable curse word ever, Leon sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose wearily.

Stupid contracts.


Somewhere else (as is often the case when one is not in the location of the previous scene), a young man tugged on a black coat and pulled the hood over his head, effectively concealing his face. He glanced towards the mirror, and grinned, winking at himself.

"Best idea ever."

And without any fanfare, the unnamed director of Titanic strolled out of the room, controlling the urge to laugh maniacally.

Because that probably would have been totally out of character.



Author's Note (29 Sept 07): Has it really been nearly three months since This is Not High School Musical? So much for a speedy sequel, huh?

Okay, so here is the first chapter of This is Not Titanic. Uh…I don't know. I don't really have much to say about it. If you're a new reader and haven't read This is Not High School Musical, I'd suggest checking it out as many jokes will probably refer to something back from the original work.

If anyone checks out my user page (which I constantly update with "OMG I NEED TO UPDATE" messages), you'll realize that I have around six fanfictions in the works right now, five of them Kingdom Hearts, one of them…High School Musical (don't ask). I'm going to try my darndest to keep updates regular, but don't hurt me if updates can get up to a month in-between. Work plus school and homework plus social life (which, according to one of my professors, I'm not supposed to have if he's giving the right amount of homework) is crazy busy.

Wondering where I am? The link on the user page connects to my LJ, where I hang out often with my plot bunnies.

Love you all much, and reviews are heaven!

- Nashie