Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters used in this fic… 'nuff said.
Author's Note: I ran into an old friend today, haven't seen her in ages, and we started reminiscing about all the crazy antics we witnessed at the various parties we went along to during Year 12 and our university days. I can't believe some of the stuff that went on! It's funny, no matter which group of friends I went out with (and it's still the case, although slightly less extreme), people would always behave in the same way when they got drunk. There are the ones who go down early, those who take their time and generally end up causing some sort of scene, and then there are the quiet ones who sit in the corner drinking away, entertaining themselves by ripping up coasters, melting things, and making works of art from random objects. Anyway, after watching another season of Gen1 Transformers, I started thinking about what the Transformers would be like if they got together for a few frothies. It's about 1:30am and I can't sleep, so I figure I'll put my thoughts in writing. I apologize in advance…
A Night with the Decepticons
Gently, Soundwave placed Ravage onto his recharge berth and petted him affectionately. Establishing a mindlink, he spoke:
"I have done all that I can for you, now you need to recharge and let your self-repair systems do their work."
"Soundwave, you do not need to worry," came the unspoken reply, "I have sustained far worse in the past.""Still…"
A soft knocking at the door interrupted the silent conversation; Soundwave continued to look down at his creation.
"Enter," he stated coolly.
Soundwave looked up and turning his head slightly, found Thundercracker standing nervously in the doorway.
"Hi, um, Skywarp and Starscream told me to get you, said they had a surprise for you or something…"
Soundwave's visor brightened, the last time Skywarp had a 'surprise' for him he found Laserbeak hanging upside down from a human transmission tower. Skywarp ended up in the infirmary two days later under 'mysterious' circumstances.
"Their request is denied" Soundwave responded, turning his attention back to his 'child'.
"Hey, is that Ravage…how is the little guy?" Thundercracker asked, moving to Soundwave's side.
"Status: improving" Soundwave replied simply."Little Guy?"
"Oh, good." Thundercracker reached out to pet the panther, Ravage snapped at him, and he quickly retracted his hand, "same old Ravage then…" he laughed uneasily.
"Anyway," Thundercracker continued pleadingly, "you have to come with me, they said I'm not to come back without you. They're waiting in the mess hall for us."
"Negative: I will remain here," Soundwave replied dispassionately, furtively clenching his fist.
"Go on Soundwave," Ravage prompted him tacitly, "I don't need you hanging around here all concerned…"
"No Ravage, I'm not in the mood," Soundwave responded in kind, "they have something planned; Skywarp's a conniving bastard and I wouldn't trust Starscream as far as I can throw him. And as for Thundercracker, well he's so desperate to have some purpose in life he'll do anything those slagpiles tell him. I still don't know why I dragged Skywarp out when I went back for you today…"
"Come on Soundwave…" Thundercracker begged.
"Soundwave, if they do have something planned you'll be in close enough range to sense it, and think of the fun we can have in exacting revenge… If they're genuine, well, you might have fun anyway…"
Revenge. Ravage had struck a chord deep in the energon pump of his hateful creator, his cold, monotone laugh echoing in the mind of the panther.
"Maybe you're right, Ravage. If nothing else it will end his pathetic pleading…"
"Invitation: Accepted," Soundwave informed the blue and white seeker.
"Great, to the mess hall then," Thundercracker stated happily, heading out of the Communication Officer's quarters and into the hallway.
Soundwave gave Ravage one last rub under the chin and followed him, silently chastising himself for giving in.
"Over there," Thundercracker said, pointing to the table at which Starscream and Skywarp sat. Soundwave stifled an irritated sigh.
Thundercracker led Soundwave through the crowded mess hall to the far corner of the room and sat happily with his companions, motioning for Soundwave to join them. Starscream smiled unnervingly at him as he took the remaining seat: between Skywarp and Starscream.
"State: purpose," Soundwave asked, his monotone voice masking the annoyance rising within.
"Here…" Skywarp said, holding out an energon cube to him.
Perplexed, Soundwave regarded the offering carefully, the pearlescent pink liquid giving off an unusually sinister glow.
"Elaborate" he droned harshly.
"Home brew…" Skywarp explained, offering the cube again, "Starscream and I set up a still and well…you saved my aft today so…" His voiced trailed off as Soundwave stared at him, his crimson visor hiding any sign of emotion.
An uncomfortable silence descended over the table; the three seekers exchanging anxious glances with one another, well aware of the fact that their minds were in all probability being invaded by their stoic companion. Slowly, Soundwave extended an arm and grasped the cube. Pausing briefly, he regarded the contents once again before taking a swig.
Soundwave could feel the liquid as it made it's way down his 'throat'; a mildly sweet taste accompanied by an intense burning sensation. His visor brightened momentarily.
"Hits the spot, don't it," Skywarp asked knowingly, producing another half dozen cubes from sub space.
"Affirmative" Soundwave replied, surreptitiously claming another four cubes for himself.
"Okay, so here's the deal…" Starscream spoke up, contributing further to the supply of heavy energon, "I plan on getting slagging wasted, and you're all coming down with me, right," his whining voice taking on it's cocky I'm-in-command tone.
"Totally trashed…" Thundercracker agreed, raising his cube.
"Smashed" Skywarp contributed.
"Maggotted" Thundercracker concluded, sculling the contents of the cube and taking another.
"Good…" Starscream said with a proud smile, before starting on a cube of his own. "Here Thundercracker, bet you can't scull another three cubes like that…"
Feet on the table and leaning back on his chair; Starscream surveyed the room with slightly glazed optics, searching for the ultimate dare.
"I know…" he said shrewdly, spotting Megatron deep in conversation with Shockwave, "I dare you to go over there and kiss Megatron…full on…right on the mouth…" he spoke slowly, partially for effect, partially because the electrical impulses between his mind and his vocaliser were finding it difficult to get through.
"Eech…no way man…thass juss gross…" Thundercracker replied. He smiled and flopped forward to wrap an arm around Skywarps's shoulders, seemingly hanging on in an attempt to stay upright.
"But ya know…" he said, a frown appearing on his face as if trying to concentrate, "I bet Stock…Sh…Shockwave would wanna tho" he stated, his arm making a somewhat flaccid attempt to point at the pair.
Starscream and Skywarp erupted in a fit of laughter, the two spilling a fair amount of energon as they rocked back and forth. Thundercracker continued to frown, mouth slightly ajar as he watched his friends, before finally deciding that he must have said something funny and joined the whooping chorus. Soundwave, seemingly void of a sense of humour, continued to disassemble the empty energon cubes before him, giving no indication he had even heard the exchange.
"Ohh yeah…gimmie some o' that hot blaster lovin'" Skywarp stammered between fits of laughter.
"ha ha...be all like…ha…mmm…Shockwave…your alt mode gets me so hot…ha ha" Starscream laughed, moving his hands over his body in an attempt to be sensual.
"Show me your gun, big boy…" Skywarp lilted,
"Oh Megatron…let me suck your cannon…"
"Uhh…guys…" Thundercracker interrupted, a look of confusion spreading across his face, "howss he gonna do that?" he asked, pressing his index finger to his temple, seemingly deep in thought.
"Whaddya mean, Cracker?" Starscream asked; the confused look obviously contagious. Skywarp continued to snigger as he started on another energon cube.
"Well…" he paused, carefully considering his words, "he hasn't gotta face so…"
"Oh…" Starscream looked down and studied his fingers, slightly disappointed with this revelation.
"Maybe…maybe he can't suck his cannon," he reasoned, "but maybe he can get Megatron hot some other way…"
"Gamma ray" Soundwave contributed emotionlessly, not looking up from his energon cube.
Momentary silence enveloped the group as their inebriated minds attempted to grasp the magnitude of the event they had just witnessed. Soundwave…making a joke…
The three seekers degenerated into hysterics, their bodies wracked with uncontrollable laughter.
"GAMMA RAY" Skywarp hooted, head buried in his arm and pounding the table.
"ha ha…stop it…ha ha" Starscream pleaded, before toppling backwards off his chair.
Tundercracker, chin in palm and leaning heavily on the table, watched unblinking as Soundwave drained the contents of another energon cube.
"I love you man…" he told the navy blue mech in a dazed tone. Soundwave ignored him. He then turned to Starscream, "I love you too man,,,"
"Yeah, whatever…" Starscream replied, dismissively, "You love Skywarp too?"
"Yeah…hesss a legend…I need more energon…" Thundercracker stood woozily and staggered towards the bar, stopping momentarily to declare his love for Ramjet and Dirge.
"Hey, TC, we got energon here," Skywarp called after him, "meh…I guess he'll work it out…hey, I've got an idea…"
"Some mechs just can't handle their energon…" Starscream commented, shaking his head sadly.
"Well, you did dare him to scull a fair amount" Skywarp laughed in reply as he produced a can of oil from sub space and proceeded to lubricate the two cubes awaiting Thundercracker's return, "you know he'll do whatever…"
"Shh…" Starscream interrupted him, cocking his head to the side, "Oh, I love this song…"
Downing the remains of his energon and pushing the cube into Skywarp's hands, Starscream climbed awkwardly onto the table. Taking a moment to gain his balance, he proceeded to sing loudly, playing along on his air guitar.
"Cracker's not the only one who can't handle his energon…" Skywarp remarked smugly, "you wanna shut up, you're killing my audio sensors."
"What you say, Warp?" Starscream asked angrily, rounding on his wingmate.
"I said, you sound like slag, so shut it…" Skywarp replied, an evil smile spreading across his face.
"Thought so…" Starscream said, before launching himself at the black and purple seeker.
Starscream hit the floor, hard, taking Skywarp's vacated chair with him.
"ha ha ha…suck slag, Starscream, forget about my warping ability?" Skywarp laughed, hovering just above his sprawled victim.
"Why you…" Starscream began, lunging at Skywarp, only to have him warp out of his reach again. "You slagging bastard, get back here" Starscream cried angrily, chasing the warping seeker around the mess hall, tripping over chairs and other mechs as he went.
Meanwhile, Thundercracker returned to the table and sat down next to Soundwave, empty-handed.
"Whassss up with those two…hey energon…" he said distractedly, reaching for one of the energon cubes waiting on the table for him.
Taking another swig, Soundwave watched with hidden amusement as Thundercracker, face furrowed, attempted to grasp the cubes before him, each slipping further away from him as he closed his fingers around them…
A gurgled snore escaped the gaping mouth of Thundercracker; the drunken mech having succumbed to energon induced sleep now lay limply back on his chair, head back and arms dangling. Empty energon cubes littered the table and floor, several of which had been stacked, moulded or simply disassembled by the stoic Soundwave.
"I like thhissone Ssoundwave…" Starscream drawled, picking up an energon cube that had been shaped into something resembling a ziggurat, "what you reckon…Skyyywarp?"
"Nah…thasss…s…slag…" Skywarp replied blearily, examining the mangled creations before him, "this onesss better…". He lifted a cone-shaped formation and attempted to balance it, point down, on top of a stack of empty energon cubes.
"Haaa!" Starscream laughed drunkenly, "Yooou wouldntknow art…if it…if it…hityou in th head…" He turned away from Skywarp in mock disgust, his movements slow and exaggerated.
"Tell 'im…Ssoundwave…" he pushed, leaning towards his companion, "…tell Warp he doesn't know wotthes talking about…" Starscream looked groggily towards Soundwave, waiting enthusiastically for his reply.
"C'mon Sounds…tell im" he asked again pleadingly. He exchanged a glance with Skywarp before turning back to the communications officer.
"Hey…Soundwave buddy…" Starscream questioned, prodding the navy mech with his energon cube ziggurat, "you ok…?"
Soundwave's visor was dim and began to flicker slightly. Motionless, he sat staring at an unidentified point before him, arms hanging limply at his sides. Suddenly, the upper half of his body began to fall forward, his head building up momentum before landing heavily on the table where it remained, forehead down.
Starscream looked groggily down at his unconscious comrade and smiled lopsidedly.
"I think…" he stopped, then started again, waving his finger in the air knowingly, "I think someonesss had a biddtoomuchhh to drink…" he slurred, before turning away to throw up.
"I think you have too…" Skywarp laughed weakly, leaning heavily on the table, head centimetres from its surface.
"You have…" Starscream responded from somewhere below the table.
"Nooo…you have…" Starscream retorted, sitting up slowly as the room began to spin around him, "…Whoa…ok…I have…" he conceded, smiling feebly.
"Time to go…?" Skywarp asked as he carefully stood, surveying the damage proudly.
"Yep" Starscream replied with a smile. Grasping a chair for support, Starscream eased himself into a standing position, swaying dangerously as he did so. "You got Cracker?"
"Uh huh…" Skywarp intoned as grasped the sleeping seeker under the shoulder and awkwardly lifted him to his feet.
"I'm up, I'm up!" Thundercracker suddenly exclaimed, eyes snapping open.
"…deeecided to join us again…huh?" Skywarp asked sarcastically as he tightened his grip on Thundercracker's waist in an attempt to steady him.
"…mmmhmm…would you stop spinning like that…?"
Content that they weren't going to fall for the time being, the pair watched in amusement as Starscream, 'ziggurat' in one hand, attempted to lift the unconscious Soundwave onto his feet. First he tried to lift him under the shoulder, then, finding that the stack of energon cubes was in his way, turned Soundwave's chair towards him, Soundwave falling forward as he did so. Hand under Soundwave's arm, Starscream pulled the unconscious mech upwards; uncooperatively Soundwave fell forwards again, and Starscream found himself practically hugging the guy. Setting the mech back in his chair, Starscream considered his predicament carefully, a puzzled look spreading across his face. Using his free hand, he lifted Soundwave's head and pushed him back into a normal sitting position. He stood back and surveyed his handiwork, Skywarp and Thundercracker giggling quietly behind him. He then moved to try again, and found to his surprise that Soundwave was rising up to meet him. Or rather, he was falling…
"Hey…you 'right down there?" Skywarp laughed giddily as Starscream flailed about in an attempt to extricate himself from a somewhat compromising position.
"Oh did you see that…did you see it…I totally fell over…" he replied with a hissed laugh, taking Skywarp's extended hand and hauling himself up.
Clumsily, Skywarp and Thundercracker lifted Soundwave to his feet. Placing the ziggurat carefully on his head, Starscream steadied himself, and, with both hands now free, wrapped Soundwave's arms around his neck and hoisted him onto his back, piggyback style.
"lesss go home…" Thundercracker slurred drowsily, leaning once again on Skywarp's shoulder. After a momentary appraisal of the night's efforts, the quartet of wasted mechs turned and slowly made their way back to their quarters.
Author's Note: It's now 3:52 am and this is the result of my sleep deprivation… Before anyone says "but Soundwave would never get drunk", I say go and watch the Gen1 episode "Microbots". Anyway, I hope you derived some enjoyment from this, please review, and if you want more, let me know – hangovers are always fun… On the other hand, if you feel the need, flame…I think it may deserve it… Cheers! iratepirate