Summary: People tend to classify me as an idiot. They may be right. I know I'm not the brightest bulb in the box. But that's no reason to tell me so. Just because I'm not brilliant doesn't mean I can't understand you telling me I'm stupid. It really annoys me sometimes. But I suppose you'd never know.
Pairings: It covers the Davis Kari TK relationship, but there are no definite resolutions. It's open-ended. Take from it what you will.
Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon or any of its characters, I only wish I did. Any and all unrecognisable characters and situations belong solely to me and are not to be touched without permission. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole purpose to entertain.
A/N: I do not intend to use an OC as a main character, if any appear they will merely be background people mentioned in passing to make this more realistic. Any characters which appear OOC are written that way out of a desire to keep them in character according to the situations I have placed them in.
Situation: This story runs as a continuation to the canon (second series) and works equally well either on its own or in tandem with the story "Five Weeks without Rain" as part of my "Missing Links" series. This is a one-shot monologue. I don't usually write like this, but I'd say it's safe to blame Macbeth for it since I watched it only yesterday and that has an awful lot of monologues in it (albeit in strange Old English that I still don't quite understand).
This takes place when our main characters (i.e. the second season ones) are 14-15. The age is rather irrelevant, other than I don't think Davis would be thinking like this if he weren't more mature, and most people of a younger age couldn't deal with this.
This should be in Davis' point of view.
the things we miss
I've got an awful lot on my plate right now
please don't make this any harder than it needs to be.
I sometimes find it hard to believe
that you could misunderstand so completely.
Would you give me some time to breathe
before you decide to point my faults out, yet again?
People tend to classify me as an idiot.
They may be right. I know I'm not the brightest bulb in the box. But that's no reason to tell me so. Just because I'm not brilliant doesn't mean I can't understand you telling me I'm stupid. It really annoys me sometimes.
But I suppose you'd never know.
After all, it's not like I go out of my way to state the obvious. Maybe I should, though. Since you seem so oblivious to it. Just like everything else.
It's not even like being an idiot is my most prominent feature, though other people always seem to chalk it up that way. I'd like to believe that my loyalty to my friends, my courage to stand up for what I believe in, and hell, even my miraculous ability to make things work are of more importance. They certainly influenced our times in the digital world more than my clueless-ness ever did.
I guess you're just blind to it.
I wonder why? You've never really looked at me in any positive light.
Now that's irony for you.
Maybe you're just too naïve to understand my feelings? After all, what do you know about hardship?
…Oh yeah. That's right. You had that whole… dark ocean thing.
–I would have been there for you, you know. If you'd only let me in. But I guess you needed hope more than a miracle just then.
It's been that way from the start. You've always needed him more.
I wish I'd worked that out sooner. It would have saved me some agony.
To be honest though, I find it hard to believe in your insecurities. I mean, what do you have to worry about?
Yeah, yeah, I know – the dark ocean. I've heard all about that. But really… isn't your life perfect?
Heh, I guess you and TK really do suit each other.
Not like me.
You've never had to worry about people not liking you. It's obvious that we do. You must be aware of it. In fact I'm sure you are, else you wouldn't lead me on like you usually do. You wouldn't mess around with my feelings by hanging out with TK all the time. You wouldn't rub it in my face when you ran off to America with him.
You've never had to worry about having no-one watching your back. After all, you're Tai's little sister. He's very protective of you – hell, that's probably why I admire him so much. He's the kind of older brother I'd kill to have. Not like Jun. I mean, yeah, I like her… up to a point. But she's really annoying sometimes. I swear she drives me crazy! It's probably on purpose as well. She's always saying bad things about me. She's always looking down on me. I hate it.
I guess it feels like you're leading some kind of charmed life next to mine.
You've never had to worry about losing the people close to you. You've never woken up to the sound of your mum retching in the bathroom again. You've never had to look after yourself because everyone's gone. Your dad's not missing 'cos he's working double shifts just to support you. Your sister's not running after older guys, just so that no-one will notice she's trying to run away from everything else. Your mum's not slowly slipping away from you. You don't have to check her pulse every day when you get home from school, or chase her about taking her meds.
You've never doubted yourself just because you're human and there's nothing you can do, even though you'd give anything for things to go back to the way they were… before the cancer took hold. You've never realised how much you used to take for granted. Your life isn't a wreck.
You've had it easy.
But I suppose I'm glad about that. I wouldn't want you to go through what I have.
I wouldn't even wish that upon an enemy.
It just annoys me that you could never understand what I'm going through. That you'll tell me I'm an idiot when, God forbid, I do something wrong for once. I can't help it. I put so much energy into keeping up appearances and making sure mum's okay that I simply don't have the energy to be as God-damn perfect as you want me to be. I'm only human. That's okay, right?
It just annoys me that everyone thinks I'm clueless when I've probably lived through more than you guys ever will. I mean, that's true isn't it? I try so hard for all of you. You especially so. I don't know why. Sometimes it seems like the only thing I get in return is a slap to the face. Could you go a little easier on me from time to time? Yes, I know, sometimes I do foolish things, but I'll make up for it if, now and then, you will only let it slide.
It just annoys me that I can't talk to you. But that's my fault, not yours, because I know you'd cry if I told you. You're simply that kind of person and it bothers me. I don't ever want to see tears fall down your face.
If I could have one constant to get me through all of this, I'd choose your smile every time. I think you're my good luck charm. If you're happy then I'm sure it'll turn out alright.
But that's why I can't stand it when you look at me like that.
I hate to disappoint you.
I know you don't think I get it, even though I promise you that I do. But you don't always have to comment when I fall down. I already know I don't match up to your expectations. I'm sorry.
It gets me down sometimes…
Not that you'd ever know.
It's like I'm so accustomed to pretending I'm okay that I forget to be sad when I'm with you. I actually kind of like that. So would you please not remind me of my mistakes?
I know it's not your fault. You don't know any of this. You don't know what you do to me.
It's as much my fault as yours, if not more so.
How about I take all the blame? I'm good at doing that.
Why stop now when I'm used to it?
Occasionally, though, I'll wonder why it is I do this to myself. Yeah, I know, you lead me on. You've never seriously told me to stop. Besides, I like to see you smile. I love it when you laugh. Even so, I don't like to see you with him. I don't like that you can't be clear on where your heart is. On who it is you prefer. Sometimes I really think it might be me. I know I could make you happy if you gave me the chance. We could be so good together.
But it's not like you ever ask me how I am. When we're not in life threatening danger, I mean. When it's normality, when it's just you and me, you never ask that question. I really wish you would. It would make things so much easier if I could just break down in your arms, right now. If you could tell me it will be alright – because I'd believe you. I'd believe anything you told me to. I put my faith in you. But that's not something I can just admit to out of the blue. When I'm near you, I run so high on adrenaline that it's hard to stay so sad. You make those bad things – those worries I always seem to see – simply fade away.
Maybe I'm just too good an actor.
Or you just don't care enough.
Either way, this really isn't healthy. I'm not sure how much more of it I can take.
So I'm sorry I lashed out today, when you said those words to me.
I know that you don't mean it. I know you misunderstand. But I want you to take me seriously. Don't always shrug me off. I'm not a simple idiot. I'm actually kind of hurt that you could think of me that way. Haven't I already proved myself to you, time and time again?
One day… if I told you how I really am, would you please look at me and see how much I've grown?
I'm not a little boy who has no experience with this world. I'm not so stupid that I can't understand what I've just heard from your sweet lips.
In fact, I grasp an awful lot of what you're trying to say. I won't let on, though, because I don't want to see the dismay flicker through your eyes. I'd like to think you think of me as having more sense than that. I don't want to have to point it out to you. I want you to learn some tact. I know that I'm not brilliant. I'm not a genius like Ken. But I'd like some consideration please; I've got an awful lot on my mind.
It's like having the weight of the world upon my back. But I find it so hard to make a difference. I wonder if it would it kill you to let me go?
Heya, so what do you think?
Any feedback is very welcome.
But I'd prefer some constructive thoughts instead of flagrant criticism.
Hopeless - KT Tunstall