"Why don't you love me anymore, Edward?..." Edward changed Bella some time ago right after their marriage, and has kept his distance ever since. Feeling an overwhelming sense of rejection, she just wants to be loved again. What will it take to make this happen? And, more importantly, what made him keep his distance in the first place?
My one and only disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, or the characters depicted in this fan fiction. Those belong to the lovely Stephenie Meyer. It's not my intention to steal anyone's work.
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers.
Three Months and I'm still breathing...
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no.
-"Sober" by Kelly Clarkson-
It's been five months, twenty-five days, ten hours, thirty-two minutes, and fifty-six seconds...fifty-seven...fifty-eight... fifty-nine. At least I think this is right... all forms of time seem to just run into each other now.
But then who would you expect but me to be a vampire who forgets? One who cries? Who doesn't have an overwhelming sense of blood lust? Who wanted this life so badly to spend forever with the one man I've ever loved, yet still hasn't gotten what was expected to be 'normal' in return?
I took a swig of the bottle of pure-grain alcohol I held in my hands. I had picked up this habit not too long ago. I knew it wouldn't do any good. I wouldn't feel any effects of it at all, and I would just end up regurgitating it later. That's the curse I've discovered about being an immortal being like I am-- no matter how hard you try, you can't drown your sorrows quickly and easily. You had to be awake every moment of every day, feeling every bit of pain. It was all in vain, I knew. But to Hell with me if I wasn't going to try. I brought the bottle to my mouth once more.
Yes. I do believe it's been five months and twenty-six days and however many minutes and seconds have passed since I've been changed. Five months and twenty-six days since I married my love. Five months and twenty-six days since Edward has really looked me in the eyes. How cowardly, not only of him, but of me. I haven't even really confronted him about this yet, only let it consume me slowly from the inside out. Has he not seen how much his distance hurts me? Why won't he really look at me? Is there something wrong with me?
Okay, strange question– Of course there's something wrong with me. I'm completely abnormal for a vampire without any real rhyme or reason. Even Carlisle can't figure this one out. "It just is what it is," he says. Yeah, right. But even though I am a weirdo, I'm still Bella. I may have the hard skin, the faded maroon eyes, a heart that doesn't beat, the unnatural beauty that was never even close to a characteristic of Old Bella... but I am still me on the inside. Right? Isn't that what's supposed to count?
"Why don't you love me anymore, Edward? " I whispered quietly to myself, looking at the shiny diamond on my left ring finger and half-heartedly wishing he heard me. If he was in the house, he surely would have. He told me he did, but did he really still love me the way he used to? I looked out the window of mine and Edward's over-sized bedroom-- I had moved into the new Cullen mansion right after my change. The new house was nearly identical to their last. It had woodland surrounding it from all sides, hidden away from the world in rural Oregon– far enough away from Forks to avoid the werewolf pack, close enough for me to check on Charlie when I felt the need.
Poor Charlie. I check in on him often to see how he's coping with my disappearance; there's still a search out for me after this many months, mainly just him now holding on to any bit of hope he has left. The humans at least still have never found anything that points to what could have happened to me.
Jacob is looking for me too I hear. Of course, he knows what happened to me. Alice tells me that he's been looking for me since the day it was announced that I "mysteriously disappeared." He wasn't going to find us though, for that I was sure. I wasn't very surprised to hear that my at-one-time-Sunshine still loved me even after all of this, and wanted to protect me. Despite his rage against the vampire family I love, I still missed him every day.
Besides Charlie, I've also checked in on Jake a few times. Edward wouldn't be too happy to hear that-- At least I don't think he would. Even when I was on their land, the Quileute pack never caught my scent. Everyone but Jacob was just too fed up about this to care anymore.
Every time I've checked on Charlie, he's either asleep or sitting at the table eating burnt food he cooked himself, always foods that I had cooked for him when I was alive. His depression is slowly killing him, I can feel it. Many times I think of him and Jake and can't deny my selfishness; Perhaps this is why Edward and I's relationship has take the turn it has. Because he sees that only a true monster could do that to people they love. Perhaps this was the answer to my question. Is this really the reason Edward only looked through me now?
A tear rolled down my cheek as I reminisced. Looking out my window, I saw Edward run into the woods– hunting again I'm guessing. He doesn't tell me these things anymore. He's always running these days. I saw the rest of the family follow close behind him into the dark forest. This was one of the few times they've ever left me by myself. Good. I needed this time to think.
I took another drink as I thought back to prom night all those years ago. Alice and Rosalie made me into what looked like Barbie's posh best friend... and secretly, though I would never tell them this, I actually liked it. I'll never forget seeing Edward at the bottom of the stairs staring up at me in awe as I limped my way down. I could see the love in his eyes. Oh, how I wanted to just run down those stairs and jump on him in all his beautiful glory, smothering him with all those deep kisses I had been holding in for so long. But, because of his boundaries and my stupid gimpy leg, I resisted.
Another memory flashed in my mind. Shortly after graduation, I had a run in with Victoria that nearly ended in both mine and Edward's demise. Thankfully, she was the only one 'dying' that night, and such a gruesome death it was. If I were only to remember one memory of my human life, I know that would be it. I'll never forget seeing Edward in the most ravenous state I had ever seen him in in my human form. He tore her limb from limb, crying out in loud, violent roars as blood and vampire flesh splattering us both. It was as if I was in a warped dream state where I was going crazy, watching the love of my life being the monster he always professed to be. As traumatizing as it was, I knew he had to do it for my safety. After that, Edward swore to me that he would never let me get hurt or see him like that again. A few months later, him and I were married and he had changed me. I wasn't sure if it was just because of that one incident that happened, or if he finally realized how much I wanted this life. Most likely a combination of the two...but I didn't care as much as I felt I should have. I was going to spend eternity with the only man I've ever loved. That was enough for me.
Even after his emotional detachment, I still don't regret being changed. I have to most wonderful adoptive family anyone could ask for.
And I still have him. My Edward. My love. Though he was so distant now, we still talked. We still slept in the same bed. We still kissed. We still touched. And, yes, we made love. Just not like a normal married couple should...I wish I felt more passion behind those kisses, when he held me. I wanted him to talk to me, not through me. And I wanted to actually feel that connection during our most intimate of moments, like it was on our wedding night. God, it was so perfect then. Because I was human then, he was so gentle, so delicate. When we became one, it was as if the earth stopped moving. Time stood still. We were closer emotionally and physically than it seemed would could ever be. I needed him like that again... I don't see how he couldn't need me, too. He's my drug, my heroin. So much stronger than this PGA in my hands and love combined could ever be on a normal human being. But no, it wasn't like that anymore. There have been times when I've practically thrown myself at him, and his response most of the time was always to pull me off and say, "It's not the right time, Bella."
It's never the right time.
I was brought back to reality when I heard myself sobbing. This was the first time I had really let my emotions get the best of me in these five months. Suddenly, anger washed over my body like I had never felt before. I stood up and threw the bottle of alcohol at the wall, shattering it into a million pieces. I flung myself onto the bed at vampire speed and buried my face into a pillow, muffling my cries so maybe no one would hear me. It was in vain, I know, but I needed to lie to myself right now. I needed to not think of Alice probably having already envisioned this, to not think of Jasper being able to feel this emotion coming off of me. Even from the woods, I know they could hear and sense this. But I won't believe it. Not now.
"EDWARD!" I yelled into the pillow. Over and over again I screamed his name in a fit of sobs.
"EDWARD! WHY! WHY DON'T YOU WANT ME?!!" I couldn't control myself. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I punched at the bed. I flailed my legs. I felt myself crumble. Everything was spiraling downward so quickly as I yelled his name into the darkness. I don't know how long I lay there, letting out my frustrations into the down and cotton of that pillow.
"Bella." I heard a deep, broken voice from the doorway. I didn't want to think his name... I didn't want to admit to myself who had caught me in this pitiful state. I felt the presence of the person move to me quickly. I was gently lifted and cradled into stone arms. I struggled against his grasp, punching at his chest, but he didn't budge. Quickly realizing that struggling wouldn't work, I gave up and melted into him.
"Bella. I love you so much." The man said, his voice cracking with every word. His cheek rested against my head as he rocked me, kissing the top of my head
'But do you really?' I thought to myself. "Edward." I whimpered softly into his chest. "Edward..."
"I'm here, my love. I'm here." He said.
"No... no, you're not." I could barely speak. So much had been taken out of me in my sudden breakdown.
"Yes, I am here, Bella. I'm holding you." He whispered into my ear seemingly confused. He kissed me there. I shuddered.
I gathered everything in me, and raised my voice slightly. I looked up and into his beautiful eyes. "No, Edward. Not like you should be."
Everything was silent after that. It could have been hours since a word had been spoken. We just sat there looking into each others eyes, trying to decipher one's emotions. His liquid gaze permeated my very soul. I was so angry with him, but all that went away with that single gaze. He hadn't looked at me this way since our wedding night, what seemed like ages ago. I couldn't resist.
"...I know." He said, barely audible. His golden irises melted into a darker shade, and he quickly hung his head away from me in shame. I felt his body stiffen against mine, then shake as he took a deep, ragged breath. He closed his eyes tightly, and his mouth became a straight line. It was as if he were about to cry... he looked nearly as broken as I was.
"Why? Why?... Why?" My words tapered off as I began crying again silently. For myself, but mainly for him. I couldn't stand seeing him like this. My love. My angel. My everything.
He grabbed my face gently with both hands, pressing his forehead to mine. I closed my eyes, and I savored this moment of closeness that I hadn't felt with Edward in far too long. He exhaled sharply, so much that it startled me. Before I could comprehend what happened, he was resting over me, kissing me with a passion I'd never experienced.
And there you have it-- the first chapter of my first ever fan fiction! So please be nice if at all possible. I never claimed to be a good writer, so take it easy on me. Whether you like it or not though, please review! Constructive criticism is always welcome.
I'm a slow and critical writer, so don't expect the chapters to come quickly. I really wanted to wait until I was done with the entire story before I posted it, but curiosity of what others thought of the story got the best of me so I ended up posting it anyway. I'm not even sure what I'm going to do with it in terms of the plot, future POV's, etc., or even if I'm going to continue the story at all. If I do, I expect it to be a short story. But we'll see. Depends on what you, the audience, has to say. ;)