Chapter 1: Phones and Two Pieces

A/N: This is about a year since I last posted, so please cheer for me. This is the crummiest comedy, but I really wanted to do this. Please send my nice reviews, because if I ever update, looking back on comments is like coffee to me.

This story is Riza centered, just cause she's easier to get into what she's thinking, plus I just love her. (And no I'm not gay). Please don't flame me...I wouldn't do that to you...


"No Way!" Roy said smiling, grasping the telephone like he couldn't contain his excitement. All the eyes in the room (including Breda, Fallman, Fuery, Havoc, and of course Riza) were glued to their superiors energetic movements as he listened to whatever the person on the other line said.

"Oh, that's perfect!" He said looking down at a date book that he literally used for dates with the women of East city. As he started to end his conversation with the person on the end, Riza set down the stack of papers in her hands on Roy's desk. He waved his hand in signal of "Wait, hold on a minute. I've got great news". Riza rolled her eyes, 'And he procrastinates again...' She thought. Roy then finally hung up the phone and stood from his desk in front of a set of desks for his subordinates. He paused, as if to give his men and one woman time to feel anxious about the news.

"Well sir?" Riza asked. Roy turned to look at her then back at everyone else.

"We're going on a vacation!" He yelled out in excitement. Everyone on the room was taken back, then they gave him blank stairs.

"What?" Roy asked.

"Don't you have work to do Colonel?" Breda asked looking at the stack of files on Roy's desk and then back at him.

"Well, yeah..but..." Roy's gaze shifted to the papers then back at his crew. Roy just stood unabashed. "We have to go!" he said.

"Orders sir?" Riza asked looking onto the file she was half-reading. The other half was listening to the guys.

"No, East head quarters is undergoing renovation for a week and I thought it would be great to go away for a week!" Roy said excited.

"But shouldn't we go to Central?" Fuery asked.

"Not if we say were going to Central but got on the wrong train." Roy slyly added. Havoc smiled.

"Very swift sir." He said, cigarette moving up and down in his mouth. Breda, Fallman, and Fuery nodded. Riza just sat silent.

"Sir, you do realize that the higher ups DO know you. They'll know you were just getting sidetracked and they will reprimand you." Riza added with her killjoy voice, although time away did sound fun.

"Yeah, but it's worth it." Fallman defended Roy, he was determined to go on this trip.

"Plus, I don't have any dates that week that matter!" Roy stated. All the men in the room pondered 'If they don't matter, then were do we measure. You'll still take time off and go to see that girl'

"That matter?" Havoc asked.

"I don't really want to go on those dates to bad. I'll just re-schedule." Roy said writing something down in his date book. The guys sighed. Riza stood up out of her chair to go put the file in the bookshelf behind her. Roy walked over to her, the guys were all ready to go, but he seriously wanted Riza to go.

"Come on Lieutenant, it'll be fun. Black Hayate can come to!" Breda swallowed. "Besides, we want you to come." Roy pleaded. Riza put the file back and looked at Roy with her hazel eyes. She sighed.

"Alright. But you better be ready for a slap on the knuckles from Central when we get back." Riza said, she didn't even realize the words coming out of her mouth. She had just give Roy permission to goof off. 'I regret this already' she thought.

"Where are we going?" Fallman asked, Roy gave an evil grin.

"The...beach." Roy said. All the guys practically collapsed in a heap. Hawkeye just sighed once again. 'Typical' She thought. Only Roy would take his subordinates on an impromptu trip and where they would go? The beach.

"Let's all get packed, the trip's Monday!" Roy stated and, although unwillingly, returned to his desk to finish his work. Riza, although glad, was very unsure of the trip ahead.

By the time Riza had gotten done with work, most children were already in bed. Riza went home that night dreading the Monday that awaited her. Thank goodness it was Friday and she had the weekend off, because she needed as much alone time as possible to prepare for the week ahead. On her walk home with Black Hayate at her side, she started to ponder the events of the day.

"Riza, what were you thinking?" She asked herself. Black Hayate jumped at her heels as if to cheer her up. Riza smiled at him. On her way home she bought today's paper and some food for the weekend. When she got home to her apartment, she fed Hayate and proceeded to cook for herself. After finishing she turned on the radio and started to read the paper. Sure enough, one of the headlines read "East Headquarters Under Renovation". She frowned and looked at her clock. It was already close to midnight. She cleaned up and headed to sleep. Black Hayate followed.

Riza awoke from her nightmares about the week ahead by her phone ringing. She awoke and half asleep, answered the phone. It was Roy.

"Colonel, it's 6:00 in the morning, you usually sleep in." She was really surprised to find Roy awake.

"Look I know that you really don't want to go, but I've got a sure fire way to make you come." Roy said, he was surprisingly awake this morning.

"What are you planning?" Riza knew Roy well enough to know that he was scheming something this morning.

"I paid for your expenses. For your room and your ticket. Hell, I'll pay for your food if you truly want." Riza woke up immediately.

"What...did you just say?" Riza asked.

"I paid for your room and ticket." Roy acted as if this was normal.

"Sir, you didn't need to do that, what about the guys?"

"Screw them, they wanted to go, but you didn't so...I can't really go any deeper than that." Roy said, Riza didn't realize it (and neither would Roy) but she was blushing. She shook it off.

"Well, thank you sir." Hayate then started scratching at her leg giving her a look of "if you don't let me out soon I may get shot". "Sorry sir, but Hayate needs out." She bid farewell to the Colonel and walked outside to her apartment building's courtyard. Hayate then proceeded to run around playing and finding the perfect spot. Riza smiled as she watched him run.

"I wonder if you'll have more fun than I will." Riza asked. The courtyard wasn't much, just a tree in the middle of a concrete path with bushes spread this and there throughout. There was a wrap around porch around the courtyard. Riza walked up the stepped up the stairs to the porch as Hayate ran to catch up to her.

When Riza made it back to her room she collapsed on her bed. Riza had told herself that she would never use the elevator at her complex, because it looked and felt like it was going to fall off the hinges. She had walked up six flights of stairs just so she could get exercise and not die by being trapped in that elevator. She woke up again at nine and started to pack her suitcase. She put in civilian clothes for the trip and her uniform for the train ride. She then also realized that she had a problem. Swimsuit. She hadn't bought one in two years. She then decided that she needed to go find one. She grabbed her purse and walked downstairs. The heat was stifling, she realized that summer had really set in. She also noticed that it would be hotter down at the beach.

Sighing she walked to a department store. Inside a man sat at the swimsuit area, he was tall and had hair that spiked up in the front.

"Um...I need a swimsuit...but I want a reserved one..." Riza said blushing, looking around at all the two pieces that models were wearing. The man frowned.

"Sorry, but the ones you see are the only ones we have." His voice was very high. Riza started to go completely red.

"What?" She said. The man nodded.

"But I have the perfect thing." He said as he took her hand over to a hanger and pulled out a pink top that started at the neck and ended right at her ribs. For bottoms there were short camo shorts. And in shorts, it was barely longer than underwear. Riza blushed.

"Is that all you have that's reserved?" Riza definitely didn't call that reserved in any dictionary. The man nodded. Riza looked at the other suits. He was right. She was ready to leave so she just bought it. As she walked home, she saw Havoc, Breda, Fallman, Fuery, and Roy walking toward her. She couldn't believe her eyes, 'What are they doing here? Other than making this day even worse than it already is' She thought. They were laughing by something that Havoc must have said, although Havoc had a tendency for misplaced jokes, and they were carrying travel books, they must have been at a travel agency or something. Riza walked by an alley and just as she was going to duck in to avoid them, Fuery spotted her.

"Oh, Lieutenant Hawkeye, what are you doing here?" They said as the line of guys stopped right in front of her and in the middle of pedestrian traffic. They all got some annoyed looks.

"Oh, hello everyone." Riza said, wanting this to be a brief conversation and hoping none of them would notice the bag in her hand. "I'm just on my way home." She said.

"You excited for Monday?" Breda asked, Riza blushed.

"Something similar." She said. Just then Roy noticed the bag.

"What's in you hand Lieutenant" Roy asked. 'Damn' she thought.

"Oh...Nothing..." Riza said blushing. Roy grew curious.

"What's in the bag?" They all seemed to ask at the same time. Riza started to grow nervous.

"It's nothing really..." Riza said. Havoc started to approach her. Riza instinctively reached for her gun, but she sadly did not have it on. 'Shit!' She thought. Havoc grabbed the bag from her, and Roy grabbed it from him. He then gave it back to her. Riza was moved, what's wrong with Roy, he never would do that to me any other day. She had to admit he had been nice to her about this whole trip. Maybe because he knew she was dangling on the edge of not going.

"We'll see you Monday Hawkeye." Roy said. Riza did her salute.

"Yes sir." She said and they walked right past each other. The guys were sending Roy looks.

"Swimsuit." Roy said. The guys sent different looks.

"What?" they all asked.

"There was a two piece swimsuit inside." Roy said. The guys all looked at him. They then looked back at Riza who was walking as fast as she could to get home. Then they all started to laugh.

"Hawkeye in a two piece!" Breda said.

"The scary Hawkeye tries to seduce her victims!" Havoc said. Then out of no where a rock hit Havoc on the back of the head. A way behind them stood Hawkeye, pissed off and holding another rock.

"What did you say Havoc?" Riza said her voice calm despite the obvious anger on her face.

"Nothing." They all said and hurriedly walked to there next location, no one dared to speak until they were safe inside the store.

A/N: Ok! Finally a fic!! Yay!! I totally slacked off a ton, but I don't care!

Hawkeye's Swimsuit was based off a picture I found of Riza, Roy, Ed, Winry, and Black Hayate at the beach. So I DID NOT COME UP WITH IT!! Please don't flame me about it, because it was in a picture that seems to be from miss Hiromu Arakawa. So saying "that's OOC" or "that isn't what she'd wear" because yea I know..

I promise the next chapter will be funnier, but this one I had to start off so that I could build that story. Yea...