A/N: Hi all! Right now I don't have much access to my own computer, so I've started this up as a project to work on when I'm bored. Note; this will be very silly, and not my usual at all, so bear with me and my insanity.
WARNING: Contains Figgy and Fax and every other pairing you can think of.
DISCLAIMER: I'm sexy? I MEAN um… I do not own these characters, or the questions, I just own myself.
Fang's Friendly Fun Help Column!
"Do I have to?" Fang whined, really not liking this.
"You bet your sexy arse you do." Grinned the blonde girl pushing him along. She sat Fang down firmly in front of the computer, and handcuffed him to the chair.
"There." Tomo Potter smiled in satisfaction. "Now. The deal is this. People will send in any questions at all for you via review, or PM, or e-mail ( tomo(underscore)kat(at)hotmail(dot)com just switch the bits in brackets for symbols!) and you will answer them! The questions can be anything, from asking for advice, to I've already got a few here submitted by friends, so away you go!"
Dear Fang
I want to lick your nipples
Love, Iggy
Fang sighed. This was going to be a looooong few months.
Dear "Iggy"
Um… no.
Fang
The next one was almost indecipherable, and Fang had to squint to make it out.
Dear Fnick l0l
H0w d0 u get s0 h0tt? L0l ru single?
Luv Mel
Dear Mel
I am naturally incredibly good looking, of course, and I am unsurprised that a girl such as yourself is attracted to such a gorgeous specimen as myself. However, I would appreciate it if you would learn to spell better, as I had a hard time making out what on earth you were trying to say.
Fang
The next E-Mail made Fang groan, casting his eyes over at the laughing blonde in the corner.
Dear Fang.
Iggy wants you to lick his nipples. You don't want to disappoint a blind man, now do you?
Love, Tomo
"Dammit, I am not gay!" He shouted back, sending Tomo into a mad giggling fit.
Dear Fang
I am a teenage girl, and I want to know how to fly. Please come teach me.
Love Laura.
Dear Laura.
I'm afraid you'd really rather not.
Fang.
Dear Fang
Are you gay?
Love, Dani
Fang sighed… apparently this harpie had likeminded friends.
Dear Dani
WHY are you people so fixated on this? NO, I am not gay! Haven't you READ the books?
Fang
Dear Fang
Are you sure? Because you and Iggy seem mighty… close
Love Tomo
Dear Idiots
Yes, I'm sure.
Fang.
The next few were replied to in rapid sucession, and left Fang feeling more and more confused.
Dear Fang
Where do you get your feathers polished?
Ciri
Dear Ciri.
I don't polish my feathers… it'd be rather silly, since they live IN MY BACK.
Fang.
Dear Fang
Well if
you don't polish your feathers, then who does?
Ciri
Dear Ciri
I'm not sure what you're on about…
Fang
Dear Fang
Does it feel good having your feathers polished?
Ciri
Dear Ciri
Um…
Fang
Dear Fang
Dammit, lick Iggy's nipples!
Love Tomo
At this, Iggy stood up. "Dammit woman, leave me alone!" He stormed out of the room, chair trailing behind him, to the sound of Tomo's hysterical fits of laughter.
A/N: Send in your questions for Fang! Also, check out my forum, where I will post polls and the like for your amusement. –pluggy plug plug-