Why Vexen Is Dangerous When Bored
Author's Note: All characters are copyrighted to Disney and Square-Enix and are used without permission for non-profit amusement reasons. Takes place in an AU where the events of CoM never happened, Sora, Riku, and Kairi reunited early, and everybody in the Organization stayed loyal. Also, you have Lady Chimera and Nire-Chan on DeviantArt to blame for what I do to Saix in this story. What happens to Larxene, however, is my own idea.
The Castle that Never Was…
"Ow…" Naminé muttered, rubbing her head as she stepped through the portal into the ivory halls of the castle, "When did my Somebody learn to fight like that?"
Roxas chuckled weakly, stepping out of the portal with her. He grimaced, yanking his dislocated shoulder back into place, and sighed. "I guess she had the same idea you did, and started training to fight after she got back together with my Somebody and Riku."
Naminé sighed, and looked at her dark black Organization coat, which was tattered in several places. She shook her head. "And I just got this, too… Xemnas is going to murder me…"
Roxas shook his head. "Relax. You think think yours is bad, you should have seen Marluxia's and Axel's coats the last time they tried to invade Maleficent's castle. Everything will be fine."
Naminé hope so, and removed her coat as a Dusk came up with a basket, marked 'things needing repair.' She tossed it in, Roxas throwing his own wrecked cloak in as well. "C'mon, Naminé. Let's get something to eat before we go report to the Superior. For your first combat-oriented mission, you did pretty good. Especially considering that your weapon was your sketchbook."
Naminé grinned. "Told you there was a reason I never ran out of paper in this thing," she said.
The two young Nobodies smiled at each other and headed down the stairs to the kitchen. But as they walked, they passed a sight that disturbed them both.
It was Vexen, curled up in a corner. And he was laughing.
Naminé and Roxas traded nervous looks.
"Vexen laughing… This can't be good…" Naminé said.
Roxas scowled. "Vexen. What did you do?" he said, putting his hands on his hips.
Vexen's laughter trailed off when he realized someone was talking to him. "Oh!" he said, grinning widely, "XIII and XIV! Good to see you back from your mission! How did it go?"
He's laughing and CHEERFUL. Sweet merciful God, what has he done now? Roxas thought. "We got our butts handed to us when we got trapped in a crossfire between Sora, Kairi, Riku, that stupid dog, the short-tempered duck with Tourette's Syndrome, and some of Maleficent's cronies. WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?"
Vexen coughed, visibly himself to calm down, and gave them a dignified stare. "Why, what makes you think I did anything?" he asked, the innocent look faltering when he cracked up laughing.
Naminé shook her head. "You never laugh unless you've done something that'll probably get a lot of us in trouble later."
Roxas, his eyebrow twitching, said once more, "WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?"
Vexen wiped a tear from his eye and said, his voice infuriatingly casual, "Oh, nothing much. I got bored and decided to try an experiment. I dumped a few random chemicals into a beaker and tricked Larxene into drinking them. The results were immediate and… hehehe… hilarious." He broke up into laughter, Roxas and Naminé going white.
"She's not dead, is she?" Naminé asked, "Or mutated into something unrecognizable?"
Vexen shook his head. "No explanation I could give could do it justice. It's something you have to see for yourself," he said, laughing so hard that his sides were aching.
The Gynasium of Fruitless Exercise…
Lexaeus calmly stepped out of the shower, his normally spiky hair matted down by water. He toweled himself off and got dressed, nodding with satisfaction as he felt his muscles bulge against the vinyl that comprised the bodysuit he wore underneath his coat. He started to leave the gym, heading for his room so he could give his hair its usual look, when he noticed Larxene milling about the entrance, batting at one of the coat hangers, seemingly fascinated by the way it rocked back and forth.
Lexaeus frowned. "Larxene? Number XII, are you all right?"
Larxene blinked, jumping a little in surprise as her name was called. She looked at Lexaeus with the most wide-eyed innocent expression he had ever seen on her face. "You're tall," she said, her voice soft and awed.
Lexaeus blinked, confused. "Um… Yes, I am…"
Larxene stared at him for a moment, her hands held close to her face in a pose that reminded Lexaeus irresistibly of paws. She then giggled, a childish, totally uncharacteristic giggle, and tackled him, knocking the larger Nobody to the floor.
"Nihao!" she said, hugging Lexaeus tightly and snuggling up to him.
"Larxene, what are you…" Lexaeus said, trying to sit up. But Larxene just pawed at his coat for a few moments before turning in a complete circle while on all fours, and curling up on his chest, nuzzling her face into his neck.
"My big snuggly giant," she said.
Lexaeus stared at her incredulously. After a moment, to his shock, he realized that she was purring. The most physically powerful of the Organization just lay there for a moment, having no clue what was going on. Then a thought occurred to him, one that made him scowl.
"VEXEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!" he roared, pounding his fist against the ground.
Back with Vexen…
As soon as Vexen said 'something you have to see for yourself,' a pillar of stone burst from underneath him. The startled scientist blinked as he lay belly-down on the stone, and giggled.
"I guess Lexaeus must have found Larxene first. Follow me, children, and we shall enjoy the fruits of my work," Vexen said. He yipped slightly as the pillar started travelling down the hall, drawn towards Lexaeus. Vexen chuckled, holding onto the fast moving pillar for dear life as it sped up the nearby staircase and vanished into the portal, giving the two younger Nobodies a thumbs up before vanishing. Roxas and Naminé stared at each other for a moment.
"I know we're probably gonna regret this…" he muttered, "…but I wanna see what he did to Larxene. You with me?"
Naminé nodded reluctantly. Roxas sighed, and gripped her black-gloved hand in his own. "Hold on," he said. With Naminé in tow, he began running at super-human speeds, catching up easily to the pillar. He followed it through the twists and turns of the castle, eventually skidding to a halt in front of the gymnasium. The pillar vanished abruptly, dropping Vexen to the ground unceremoniously. He chuckled, dusting himself off, and sat cross-legged on the ground.
Lexaeus, Larxene curled up in his arms like a cat, stood in the doorway, fuming.
"Vexen," he said, his voice rumbling like an avalanche, "What, exactly, have you done to number XII?"
"Why is it," Vexen said, grinning a disturbingly Axel-like grin, "when unusual or unexpected happens, that I am blamed?"
"Vexen…" Lexaeus said, shaking with the effort of trying to control his temper, "…I am asking politely. The next time I ask, it will be with my tomahawk. What, exactly, did you do to Larxene?"
Naminé, curious, cautiously walked up to Larxene. There was no love lost between the two female Nobodies, but this was the most peaceful she had ever seen her…
"Is she… purring?" Naminé asked. Larxene blinked, and looked at Naminé curiously.
Vexen giggled despite himself. "Yes. Well. I got bored, and decided to mix some random chemicals together. I managed to trick Larxene into drinking them."
Lexaeus glared at him, as Naminé cautiously reached and began to pet Larxene, the elder Nobody smiling and purring.
"What chemicals did you give her?" Lexaeus asked.
Vexen shrugged. "Damned if I know."
"Excuse me?" Roxas and Lexaeus said in unison.
Vexen giggled again, a sound that made Roxas shiver in fear. "I truly do not know. I just grabbed at random without looking at labels," Vexen said, shrugging helplessly.
Lexaeus glared at him. "Is there ANY possible way you can create an antidote for this?"
Naminé giggled softly as she petted Larxene, scritching her behind the ears. Larxene let out a pleased-sounding mewl, pressing her head to Naminé's hand as she was scritched.
"Kitty. A Lar-Kitty," Naminé said, giggling.
Lexaeus glared at her, while Roxas just moaned softly, imagining all the ways Xemnas would inflict pain on them for allowing this to happen. Lexaeus shook his head and turned back to Vexen.
"Well?" the massive Nobody demanded.
Vexen smirked petulantly. "Why would I want to?" he asked.
Lexaeus' eyes widened. "Why would you… LOOK AT HER!" Lexaeus said, picking Larxene by the hood of her jacket and holding her out to Vexen, Larxene mewling in surprise. "LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO HER!"
Vexen, to be fair, did look her over. Larxene just smiled, her eyes wide and innocent, her pose like that of a cat being held by the scruff of its neck. She meowed happily, wondering why everyone was staring at her but not minding the attention.
"I don't see anything wrong," he said after a moment.
Lexaeus' eyebrow twitched as he stared incredulously at Vexen. "You don't see… she's behaving like a cat! She's cute, and friendly, and cuddly, and affectionate, and… and…"
Vexen smiled wickedly as Lexaeus trailed off. He raised his arm up and turned Larxene towards his face. She mewled happily and kissed him on the nose, an innocent little peck. She giggled cutely, the sight making Naminé aww with delight.
…And… …Why is this a problem again? Lexaeus thought.
"Prrrt?" Larxene said, looking at Lexaeus cutely.
If he had a heart, Lexaeus decided, that expression on her face would have made it melt long ago. As it is, looking at her like this, so sweet and innocent, made something stir in the void where his heart used to be.
"Let's get Lar-Kitty some milk," he said, grinning and letting her curl up in his arms again. Lar-Kitty mewled happily, waving bye-bye to Naminé as Lexaeus carried her down the hall, heading for the portal leading to the kitchen.
Vexen cracked up, rolling around and laughing at his success. Roxas just stared after Lexaeus, wondering what the Hell just happened. Naminé was giggling happily. "Lar-Kitty! So CUTE!!" she said excitedly.
"Yes!" Vexen said, standing up suddenly, his fist raised triumphantly, "We have created an adorable kitty from a sadistic monster! We have achieved a great victory for SCIENCE!"
"For SCIENCE!" Naminé added, raising her own fist triumphantly.
"Come minions!" Vexen said, startling Roxas greatly, "Let's see what we can do, what other victories we can achieve for SCIENCE!"
"For SCIENCE!" Naminé said, giggling.
Vexen summoned his shield, and froze the nearby staircase into a snow-filled ramp, leaping on top of his shield and surfing down the stairs. Naminé slid after him, giggling excitedly.
Roxas just stared after them, in total shock at how so much went so wrong so quickly. A moment later, Xigbar's head poked out of a warp portal, a confused look on the one-eyed Nobody's face.
"Um… Little dude?" Xigbar said, "Why did I just see Vexen shield-surfing down the staircase and Naminé sliding on her butt after him?"
Roxas just shook his head, still in shock. "Vexen got bored, and tricked Larxene into drinking a vial filled with a bunch of chemicals he threw together at random. She started behaving like a cute little kitty cat and took a liking to Lexaeus, who is now getting 'Lar-Kitty' some milk. As for the shield surfing, I think Vexen is going to try it again on someone else, and has drafted Naminé as a minion…"
Xigbar groaned. "'Vexen got bored.' Well, that says it all, doesn't it? I'll tell the Superior. YOU keep freezer brain and your girlfriend out of trouble."
Roxas nodded slowly, and turned to go down the staircase. But the moment he took one step onto the frozen ramp, he slipped and fell down, sliding wildly and flying off into the void at the first turn. Xigbar sighed, thinking You could have just portaled down, little dude, and whistled, four Sniper Nobodies appearing next to his floating head.
"Catch the runt before he crashes and then take him to Vexen's lab. Until I say otherwise, Roxas has authority over you," he said, his head vanishing back into the portal. The Snipers nodded and flew down after Roxas.
"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!?!?" Roxas wailed as he fell, his arms flailing wildly as he dropped far too fast and too out of control to bring any of his powers to bear. He winced as he felt strong hands grip his arms, his arms nearly dislocating as he reached a sudden stop, still thankfully several miles above ground. He looked up, and saw a pair of Sniper Nobodies holding him, two more floating nearby.
We obey you for now, master Roxas, the Nobodies thought to him in their simple mode of speech.
Roxas nodded. "Get me to Vexen's lab, and be ready to attack on my order."
The Snipers nodded and wordlessly floated on, carrying Roxas to Vexen's lab, warping through several different portals as they took the shorted path there.
They arrived just as Vexen and Naminé did. Roxas had the Snipers drop him, summoning his keyblades and standing in front of the door.
"All right Vexen, that's eNUAGH!!" Just as Roxas started speaking, Vexen leaped off of the ramp, executing a heel grab like an expert skateboarder, and landed shield-first on the smaller Nobody's face. He smirked, and casually dematerialized his shield, walking through the door to his lab and whistling. Naminé landed on Roxas a moment later, giggling happily. Naminé, who was straddling Roxas' face, laughed.
"That was fun!" she said, "I wanna do that again!"
"Bleeem…" Roxas said. Naminé looked down, saw him blushing, and realized what the proximity of her crotch to his face was.
She blushed, quickly getting off of Roxas, and went into the lab.
The Snipers floated up to Roxas, who hadn't gotten up yet.
Are you all right sir? one asked.
"Bwaaah…" Roxas said. Nobody or not, he was still a virile young man, and being that close to a female's nether regions tended to affect him in a drastic way.
The Snipers looked at each other, confused. One of them poked Roxas cautiously with its crossbow. After a moment, Roxas managed to get a hold of himself. He quickly leaped to his feet and ran into the lab.
"Let's use this one! It's a pretty color!" Naminé said, bringing over a vial of lavender liquid that looked vaguely acidic.
"As fine a reason to use a chemical that I've ever heard!" the mad scientist said, gratefully accepting from his assistant. Vexen laughed, and poured the contents of the vial into the beaker, which was already glowing several different colors and bubbling ominously.
"A couple more I think!" Vexen said, "I keep some of my more interesting chemicals on that top shelf over there."
"That's ENOUGH Vexen!" Roxas said, snapping his fingers. The Snipers promptly took positions around the scientist, aiming their crossbows at him.
Vexen ignored him, as Naminé brought over a vial of something that had what looked like thirty-five syllables in the label. He poured it in, the mixture in the jar starting to shake.
"VEXEN, NAMINÉ STOP IT!" Roxas shouted. When the two of them decided to ignore him again, he growled, "Okay that is IT! Snipers, on my mark! Ready… aim…"
The Snipers suddenly dissolved, acid pouring on them from above. Roxas looked up in surprise, seeing vaguely mechanical Nobodies with serpent-like heads and round, fat bellies that were clear-skinned and filled with multi-colored chemicals.
"What the…" Roxas said.
"MY minion Nobodies," Vexen said, not turning around, "I call them Alchemists."
The Alchemists floated down, taking a guard position in front of Vexen. Roxas scowled angrily, brandishing his keyblades, as Naminé brought over a final vial, this one filled with a black, oily substance that made Vexen's mixture turn a sick shade of green. Vexen stirred it briefly with a spoon, which promptly dissolved.
"PERFECT!" Vexen said, holding up the jar, "Another triumph for SCIENCE!"
"For SCIENCE!" Naminé added, throwing up her hands excitedly.
Vexen smirked. "Now, who shall we test whatever this is on?" he said, contemplating the bubbling mixture in the jar.
"We're not testing this on ANYONE!" Roxas snapped.
"Ooh! I know!" Naminé said, "How about Saix?"
Roxas gagged. "S-Saix?"
Vexen laughed. "PERFECT!"
Before anyone could do anything, the very irritated voice of Xemnas boomed through the loudspeakers.
"Everyone to the kitchen NOW!! ESPECIALLY numbers IV, XIII, and XIV!!"
Roxas paled. "I'm doomed… Doomed doomed doomed…"
"Awww…" Naminé said, thinking that she wouldn't get to see what would happen to Saix.
Vexen, when the other two weren't looking, poured some of the bubbling mixture into a vial and corked it, slipping it into his pocket.
"Minions, let's go. Our Superior has called us," he said as he created a portal, a wicked, mischievous grin on his face as he stepped through, Naminé dragged a horrified into catatonia Roxas through the portal with her.
Kitchen of Empty Stomachs…
Larxene sat on the floor, busily lapping away at a saucer of milk Lexaeus had given her, occasionally mewling happily. Lexaeus himself sat on a nearby barstool, watching her with amusement and affection.
Zexion sat at a nearby table with Xaldin and Xigbar, all of whom were staring at either Larxene or Lexaeus, not sure what to make of the whole situation. Saix stood at the ready near the door, his claymore in hand should his Superior order someone punished. Luxord sat on the floor with Larxene, idly shuffling his cards and chuckling. Demyx sat at the counter on a barstool next to Lexaeus, grinning widely. Marluxia was idly leaning on his scythe, standing near Saix. He occasionally glanced down at 'Lar-Kitty' and snorted in amusement.
Xemnas was standing near the refrigerator, rubbing his temples and trying not to scream.
Vexen, Roxas, and Naminé emerged through a shadow portal, Vexen grinning smugly while Roxas just cowered, hiding behind Vexen. Naminé giggled and ran over to Larxene, scritching behind her ears and getting a pleased mewl from the kittyfied Nobody.
"So cute!" Naminé said, standing up and letting Larxene finish her milk, going to sit next to Demyx.
Vexen casually took a seat next to Zexion, Xaldin, and Xigbar, all of whom discreetly moved away from him. Roxas went to hide behind Marluxia, who ignored him.
Vexen looked around the room, a curious look coming to his face. "Where's Axel?"
"Clearing out Heartless that got into the lower levels of the castle. We were doing it together, but when Xemnas called, he volunteered to stay behind and finish the job," Demyx said, shrugging, "Since it's rare that the fireball offers to do any extra work, I decided not to look a gift Dusk in the mouth and let him have his fun."
"We can start without him," Xemnas said, "But YOU are filling him in later. Which brings us to you, Vexen. What, exactly, has happened to number XII?"
Vexen pretended to look her carefully over. She finished her milk, and then proceeded to groom herself in catlike fashion.
"I believe that she is acting like a cat," Vexen said, matter-of-factly.
Xemnas' eyebrow began to twitch. "I can see that," he said, his voice sounding eerily like Saix on the verge of a rampage, "Why is she acting like a cat?"
"Maybe it was something she drank?" Roxas said, his mouth acting before his brain could tell it not to.
Luxord and Demyx snorted laughter, trying and failing miserably to hide it. Xemnas flashed him a glare that made Roxas wince, and caused him to duck down further behind Marluxia, shivering fearfully. The pink-haired Nobody glared at him.
"If you have an accident on me, brat, I'm cutting your genitalia off," Marluxia said.
Xemnas turned back to Vexen, who grinned that infuriating Axel-like grin again. "Why have you turned Larxene into a cat?" Xemnas asked.
"I was bored," Vexen said, grinning as Xemnas cringed, rubbing his temples again.
"I told you, Superior," Xaldin said, "Always keep Vexen busy, even if it's on some menial task that he'll complain about later. I know you don't have all of your Somebody's memories, but you can't have forgotten the Moogle Incident."
Xemnas cringed again. Luxord looked up, curious. "'Moogle Incident?' This I have to hear about," the gambler said.
Surprisingly, Zexion began to laugh. "It happened while we were still human," he said, "Even… that was Vexen's human name, by the way, Even got bored during a summer break and began mixing some random chemicals together. He froze them, dyed them white, and replaced one of Lord Ansem's sea-salt ice cream bars with him. It turned him into a moogle for a month. A cute little moogle with a blonde goatee."
Demyx, Luxord, Naminé, and Marluxia began to chuckle as well, Vexen just grinning widely. Xemnas just scowled at all of them. "I remember it," he snapped, "I also remember that after he turned back, he couldn't stop saying 'kupo' at the end of every sentence for weeks afterward. I also remember the flak I took for it, since he blamed me for what happened."
This time Xaldin, Xigbar, and Lexaeus began chuckling as well.
Saix spoke up, his voice cold and emotionless. "Amusing as this all may be, and as cute and relatively inoffensive as Larxene as become, this has negatively affected us. She is a fierce fighter, and having her like this yields no advantages."
Axel ported in at just that moment. "Hey guys. Sorry I'm late, there were a couple Giant Shadows there and they were a little hard to kill… Hey, what's up with Larxene?" he said, walking into the kitchen.
Larxene, at the sound of Axel's voice, got up on all fours and hissed angrily. Axel blinked, taken aback by the sudden reaction. Larxene stalked forward, her kunai daggers forming in her hands as she mrowled at him dangerously.
"H-Hey! G-Get back!" Axel said, summoning his chakrams in a swirl of flame, "Down kitty!"
Larxene yowled and lunged at Axel, her kunai held like claws as she proceeded to maul him viciously, slashing at him over and over, moving so fast it looked like twelve of her were attacking Axel. Finally, she stopped, letting Axel's tattered, bloody form fall to the ground, where he lay twitching as Larxene growled at him.
Lexaeus laughed. "GOOD kitty!" he said, beckoning her towards him, "C'mere Lar-Lar!"
Larxene perked up at the sound of Lexaeus' voice and mewled happily, jumping into his arms again. The towering Nobody petted her lovingly, forming a portal.
"Good kitty," Lexaeus said as he walked into the portal, "Let's see if I can't find you a nice toy to play with…"
Saix smirked. "Then again… I may be underestimating how useful our 'Lar-Kitty' actually is."
Xemnas sighed, rubbing his temples. "I give up. I'm going back to the Alter of Naught and sulk for a while. Vexen, no more changing people into pets, all right?"
Vexen nodded. "I promise I will behave from now on," he said. Demyx and Naminé grinned, seeing him cross his fingers as he said it.
Xaldin chuckled softly, as Roxas poked his head out from behind Marluxia. Xaldin materialized one of his spears and poked Axel with it. The flame-haired Nobody let out a pained whimpering sound.
"I suppose I should take him to the infirmary. Naminé, do you mind if I borrow some of your White Mage minion Nobodies?" he asked.
Naminé shook her head, smiling sweetly. Roxas sighed, flashing Vexen a glare. "I'll go with you," the younger Nobody said, creating a portal as Xaldin threw Axel over his shoulder, floating into it with Roxas following behind.
As the portal faded, Saix shook his head. "If anyone needs me, I'm going into the city to train," he said, creating a portal of his own.
"That sounds like a good idea, actually," Marluxia said, "Mind if I join you?"
"Not at all," Saix said, the two Nobodies vanishing into the dark vortex.
Luxord chuckled. "Odds are you're planning a second try at this," he said.
Vexen just grinned, removing the vial from his pocket.
Demyx laughed. "Awesome! Who're we gonna use this one on?" he said.
"Saix," Vexen said simply.
Xigbar gagged. "Leave me out of this. I'm not dying for your pranks," he said, teleporting away in a pop.
Zexion chuckled. "As amusing as this sounds, I'm not in the mood to risk my life tonight. I was your minion last time, remember?"
"True enough," Vexen said, "You're excused this time around."
Zexion rolled his eyes, and formed a portal. "I'm so glad," he said, "Just one thing, though. If you succeed, whatever happens to Saix, I want PICTURES."
Zexion chuckled, and stepped into the portal, vanishing in a wave of darkness.
Vexen looked around at who was left. "Luxord, Demyx, Naminé, what do you say? Up for some fun?"
"For SCIENCE!" Naminé said, throwing up her arms excitedly.
"For SCIENCE!" Demyx said, doing the same.
Luxord chuckled, shuffling his cards and pulling out an Ace of Spades. "Why not? Sounds like a blast."
"Excellent," Vexen said, "Then come, minions. We have mischief to plan."
To Be Continued…