a/n: Alice in Wonderland…good book. Your body is wonderland…good song. MY version of Wonderland…you'll see…
There is a large painting hanging over the fireplace in the dining room. It is of an evening sunset, the sun's rays rising over the hills. Mother used to tell me stories, before she passed, about how you can escape life's hardship by running to Wonderland, a mythical place only shone when the something dies. The sunset always reminded me of my mother. I remember crying a week after her death, disappointed that I didn't find Wonderland when I had the chance. I realized when I was eight that I could perhaps find Wonderland during the sunset, when the day was dying and the night was growing. I stop searching when I was fourteen, allowing adulthood to replace fairy tales.
I was staring at that painting as I dined with an elderly Minster. It is certain little silly things we goveners have to do, dine and wine with powerful people. It is boring, but I've learned how to deal with it. Focus on something better.. I can smell your clean, crisp scent as you stand next to me. It's intoxicating, leading me into a dreamlike state. Minster keeps questioning my actions with his teachings, but I can't answer. You are taking over my thoughts, and I begin to hallucinate. I dream of you touching me, taking my hand like you did at the dance. Your thumb would gently massage my palm, and you'd kiss it.
I come out of my dream about the time I am being tucked into bed by my ladies. I can see the gossips in their eyes, the lies they have been told about me. That's fine, they can say and hear what they like, but hearing you spread the rumor…that is killing me. But I can turn away and pretend I heard nothing. That may just be the easiest thing to do, but it makes me look cold.
The lights go out and my ladies leave. The moon is my only company in this dark room. I feel the silk curtains with my hand just to make sure they are still there. I have a fear everything will fall from under me, and I'll be alone.
But it's only a little childhood fear.
Trying to rest my eyes, I think of how wonderful you looked today. The mandatory uniform looked great on you, my dear. I know you hate it, but I think it looks good on you. But it won't matter until you see that you look good, and I doubt you will.
Suddenly, the bright hallway light enters my bedroom, and you are soon near my bed. You take my hand as you do so many nights before. My dear, you have such small hands, I've only just noticed. They are also so soft, and pale…I begin to become self aware of my own body.
I don't mind when you only kiss my neck and never my lips. I don't mind when you rip my nightgowns trying to get them off. I don't mind when you bite into my skin when you become to rough. I don't mind when foreplay isn't an option. I don't mind when you go in to hard and thrust to fast. I don't mind when call me Glinda…
I don't mind any of that, my dear. You give me a pleasure that I've never known. You make me feel like the woman I was never allowed to be. You give me a certain strength I never own, I love I've never felt. Though you don't intend to, you touch me in all the right places, and I have to hold back my moans.
I'm surprised you don't mind when I leave scratches down your back.
Now you are lying beside me, my dear, your only covering is your long white undershirt. Your hand is limply lying on top of my sex. It stiffens as I move my hips, trying to make myself comfortable. I hear a slight breath from you as you turn to face me. I can smell your alcoholic pleasure.
Don't tell me you are sorry. I can't hear that from you right now. I see it in your eyes that you know you made another mistake. Can I please stop being your mistake?
You run your hand over my cheek before you get off the bed and pull up your pants. I can hear you muttering the familiar apologizes and soon you are gone. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to kick you out of my home. I want you to be on the streets, poor and hungry. I want to tell you exactly what I think of you but I can't…because when I'm in your arms…
I'm in Wonderland.