So, don't expect plot. Don't expect updates. Don't expect much of anything. This is just for fun. So have fun, dammit. Or else.

A Brief Summary of Every Harry Potter Fanfiction Ever Written

In Which Shopping Solves All Harry's Problems

"Merlin, girl, I'm beat." Hedwig looked up from the scrap of newspaper she was pooping on—coincidently a photo of esteemed Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge—and blinked at Harry. He hauled the last pair of shopping bags through the doorway and threw them on the pile.

"Hoot?" Hedwig inquired. She'd been waiting in this Leaky Cauldron suite for hours, and hoped there were fresh mice somewhere in Harry's mound of purchases.

"Yes, we're staying here. No one would think to look for me in the only hotel in the Wizarding World," Harry explained. "Besides, if I had to haul this stuff any further from Diagon Alley my arms would give out."


"Exactly. Want to see what I got?"

"Hoot." Harry, being a parselmouth rather than a hootingmouth, mistook the phrase "not likely" for "I'd love too!"

Hedwig, being an owl and not a wizard, mistook the giant scroll he was unrolling for an encyclopedia rather than a receipt. She was disabused of this notion when Harry read it aloud:

Dueling Robes, hand-sewn by elfin royalty and purified for three hundred years in the fires of Mt. Doom, complete with standard anti-jinx, anti-hex, anti-curse, anti-Unforgiveable, anti-Death Eater, anti-death, anti-bacterial and other standard Quality A Triple-Plus Grade Charms™ -five pair

Dragonhide boots crafted by the Goblin King Grugdalo in 1344 for his majesty the emperor of Atlantis. Fire, water, earth, air, lightning, insect, poison, mud, snow, slush, muddy slush, burning coal and brimstone resistant. Allows the wearer to control the weather at all times. Offer valid in Wisconsin. Some restrictions apply. See store for details. -two pair

Traveling cloak of Immortal Doom worn by Rowana Ravenclaw herself during battle; believed to have originated from a higher dimension of being, smites all of evil intent within ten yards. -one pair

Ultimate indestructible power strength enhancing gloves, added charms for durability, flexibility, an exponential strength increase of seventy-nine percent, and increased ability in all organized sports worldwide. -one pair

Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans -four bags

Slytherin's daggers, dipped in the deadliest of poisons and invisible to all but their bearer. -one set of six

Helga Hufflepuff's Eternal Crossbow of Immortal Peril -one

Extra wand, fourteen inches, wood from the legendary forbidden tree of Eden, core of pure gold spun into a strand and braided with a thread of lava-fire and a hair from Godric's beard. -one

Extra extra wand, wood unknown, core unknown, made and used by Merlin himself. -one

"Super cool" wand holster, emperor-issue, imported from a tiny, anonymous Amazon village, woven by the high priest himself only on nights of the full moon, soaked in the blood of dragons and the tears of phoenixes, and spelled with every possible enhancement while immersed in the waters of the fountain of youth for thirty-one days and nights. -three

Excalibur -one

Trunk, leather with brass trimmings; six compartments, opens into multiple dimensions. -one

Exclusive All-You-Could-Ever-Need Potions kit, containing not only an ample quantity of every potions ingredient ever discovered (including those of questionable legality), thirty-two different Master-grade cauldrons, ninety-seven pieces of A-quality glassware, thirty-four utensils of the finest platinum, seventeen highly-accredited potions manuals, and a set of scales, but also vials containing every potion you could ever need, all in a kit the size of a matchbox. -one


Thirty-two Easy Ways to Take Out a Dark Lord, by Grindelwald

Where Bellatrix Lestrange is Right Now, by Rodolphus Lestrange

So Some Idiot Divination Professor's Made a Prophecy About You, by Gryffindor

I Know Where He Hid the Horcruxes, by R.A.B.

I Know Who R.A.B. Is, by Sirius Black

The Secret Diary of Draco Malfoy: A Full Confession by Draco Malfoy

The Ins and Outs of Illegal Portkeys, Unlicensed Apparation, and Other Important Stuff They Won't Teach You in School, by A. Moody

How to Obtain Mastery of Seventeen Subjects in Four Hours or Less, by Rowena Ravenclaw

My Secret Plans (Vol. I- Horcruxes), by Lord Voldemort

My Secret Plans (Vol. II- Harry Potter), by Lord Voldemort

Build Your Own Time Turner: A Beginner's Guide to Bringing Back Dead Friends and Family, anonymous

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About that Creepy Veil in the Department of Mysteries but were Afraid to Ask, by the Ministry of Magic, Unspeakables division

How to Utilize a Life Debt to its Fullest Potential, by some dead pureblood

Jinxes, Hexes and Curses We Haven't Learned to Block Yet, by Death Eater training division 741-B

Uber-powerful Spells to Vaporize You-Know-Who, by Ollivander

Founder's Heirlooms that Could, in the Future, Make Good Horcruxes, by Helga H.

Constant Vigilance!: A Hero's Guide to Winning at Everything, All the Time by A. Moody

Prophecy Interpretation for Dummies, Albus Dumbledore

How to do Underage Magic without Getting Caught, by F. & G. W.

There Might Possibly Be a Secret Room in the Chamber of Secrets that Contains All Knowledge of Everything. Maybe. I'm Just Suggesting It's Worth a Look, by Salazar Slytherin

-one each, twenty total

Bill total: Six million three hundred thirty five thousand, seven hundred sixty-four galleons, six sickles, four knuts.

Thank you for shopping with us!

Protagonist's Emporium—for all your Dark Lord-hunting needs!


"Oh, I know the check'll bounce," Harry agreed, "but hopefully not before Voldemort surrenders."


"Well, I've never failed to beat him after similar shopping trips, have I?"


"So it stands to reason he'll just give up now before he gets his arse handed to him. He's not that inept, right?"


"I'm glad you agree."

Just then an evil-looking owl—complete with Dark Mark—tapped on the window. Harry took the note and the owl flew away.


I'm giving up now before I get my arse handed to me. I'm not that inept. I'm going to go live among the muggles, inspiring fear and revulsion wherever I go.

Sincerely, Lord V.
"John Smith, Insurance Salesman"


And everyone who wasn't a muggle trying to buy insurance lived happily ever after. The End.