Akatsuki: Goes camping!
(A/N: Hello, again! This is yet another random akatsuki fic. Yayness! Anyways, in this one they get sent to the real world and find out what camping is. And all hell breaks loose. I'm gonna have fun writing this one.)
Pairings: There might be. I don't know yet. It's more of a humor/crackfic.
Summary: The akatsuki are sent to the real world and accidentally forced to be camp counselors! How will they survive having to deal with screaming kids, unruly teens, and amorous guides? Read to find out!
Notethingie: Obviously AU, big time. Do not be alarmed if akatsuki are forced to wear regular clothes. Also, Tobi's shorter than Deidara.
The sizzle of pancakes in the morning was always a surefire way to get Kisame up in the morning. It was almost always guaranteed that he would wake up Itachi soon after. And it was also guaranteed that mayhem would follow. Hidan set the table and piled three pancakes on each of the nine plates. Kakuzu hated breakfast; it was his least favorite meal of the day. He always had to pay for the broken plates. He liked dinner better, because he could be as cheap as he wanted. He poked dejectedly at the pancakes with his fork, eyebrow raising in obvious disapproval. Hidan saw him and smacked him over the head with his spatula.
"Ow!" he yelped, holding his head. "What was that for?"
"Eat what I cook. You should be grateful, you heathen."
He walked away and poured orange juice into everyone's cups, then seated himself and began to eat. A messy-haired Tobi and annoyed Deidara made their way into the kitchen. As Deidara stared at the brown masses that was to be his breakfast, Tobi skipped over to a cabinet, grabbed the ketchup, skipped back to his seat, and began pouring it all over his pancakes. The others just stared in horror.
"How DARE you ruin perfectly good pancakes with that…filth!" Hidan screamed, pointing his fork vengefully at the youngest akatsuki member.
Tobi just smiled benignly, holding out his fork towards Hidan. "You want some?"
Deidara and Kisame had to hold back the pissed off religious man as he tried to lunge at Tobi. While this was happening, Itachi stared indifferently into his pancakes like he was looking for hidden secrets. Zetsu came in, head hanging gloomily. He didn't speak a word as he silently picked up his fork and started slowly eating. The others stared at him, wondering what could be wrong with him. They knew he wasn't a morning person, but why was he so depressed?
"Tobi wants to know why Zetsu-san looks so sad!" Tobi said, looking up from shoveling forkfuls of ketchup-covered pancakes underneath his mask.
Zetsu lunged at Tobi, which caused Deidara and Kisame to have to let go of Hidan, and hold down Zetsu; Hidan was free. Before he could move, Itachi, who wasn't exactly a person who you'd expect to give a damn about Tobi, knocked him unconscious with his plate; the first broken plate of the morning. In effect, he got rid of his pancakes without having to hear Hidan ranting. Kakuzu cried; he estimated that plate to be about $5. He could've gotten the dishes cheaper, but the leader refused to get paper plates.
Finally, Konan and Pein came down to breakfast, because they had heard the crash and loud sobbing. They both stared at the scene: Hidan was unconscious on the floor with blood trickling down his forehead, broken plate next to him, Tobi was happily eating his pancakes drowned in ketchup, Deidara and Kisame were holding back Zetsu from obviously trying to kill Tobi for some reason, Kakuzu was crying, and Itachi was just sitting there quietly, the barest hint of what resembled a smile, though you couldn't tell with him. They decided not to ask any questions and sat down to eat when Tobi said, "Pancake disappear jutsu!!"
He jumped up onto the table and sent everyone's plate crashing to the floor but his own. "TADAAAAAAA!!!" he exclaimed, arms in the air in triumph, eyes upside down half moons through his mask. Kakuzu turned into a paper-thin chibi, completely black and white and floating in the corner with Konan streaks going down his face. Everyone stared in absolute shock and dismay. Hidan shot up and screamed, "You BASTARD!!! How dare you ruin all my beautiful pancakes! I will kill you in the name of Jashin-sama!!!"
He whipped a kunai at him, but Tobi flopped down and it hit Kisame in the side of the head. He twitched. Pulling out the kunai, he threw it back at Hidan, but he ducked and somehow it made a U-turn and whipped poor Konan in the head. She twitched and ripped it out and whipped it back at Hidan. He ducked once more and it finally hit its original target, but all it did was cut off a little bit of his hair. Tobi sniffled.
"Y-you…you ruined Tobi's hair!!!" he cried, lunging at Zetsu, even though Hidan was the one who'd thrown the kunai in the first place.
It was suddenly a dust cloud fight, and Kisame and Deidara jumped out to save themselves. Turning chibi, all of a sudden Itachi yelled, "FAN WAAAR!!!"
Out of nowhere, everyone brought out a large harisen1 and began smacking each other around with them.
…2 hours later…Akatsuki living room…
The akatsuki gang sat in the living room in chairs, on the floor, on the couch watching MTV as if nothing had ever transpired in the kitchen.
"I wanna watch Pokemon!" Tobi whined, squirming in his seat.
"Nah. The show's been going downhill ever since they tried to replace Brock," Pein said.
(A/N: Line borrowed from an animation on deviantart. It's called Deidara's of our lives. It's funny. Go watch it. Now. 1 Harisen-Japanese paper fan, for those who didn't know.)
There was a fight for the remote, and somehow they clicked on Baywatch. Everyone (except Tobi) watched as Pamela Anderson ran in slow motion down the beach.
"Thank Jashin-sama for cable TV," Hidan whispered, in awe.
"What?" Tobi asked in confusion, clearly puzzled as to why the others were staring at the TV so intently.
And yes, even Konan was staring, measuring herself through her robe. "Those are probably fake. She has enough money to get hers done. Stupid blonde bitch."
"Let's go to the real world television station!" Kisame exclaimed randomly, grabbing the remote.
There was a session on how camp changes the behavior of kids for the better. Everyone gagged. "Eww! Change it quick!!!"
When Kisame got the remote stolen from him, someone pressed an extra button and they were all sucked into the TV.
"Owww," they all groaned.
Tobi jumped up immediately, screaming, "Yaaaay! That was fun! Let's do it again!"
Everyone glared towards him, threateningly holding up kunai. He eeped, sweatdropping. "What did I do?"
They all stopped when they heard the laughter of children beyond the wooded area they'd landed in. Zetsu bravely walked forward and peered through the trees. His eyes turned into little white circles with black rings around them in a look of pure shock and horror.
"What in the name of salad…?" he whispered, sweatdrop forming on his forehead.
Pein, with an annoyed look said, "Let me see," and shoved Zetsu out of the way. His look turned to horror as well.
"Kids, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."
Everyone shuffled forward to see what they were staring at and in turn, gasps of horror broke out among them. They were in…real world camp. Oh the noes!
One by one, the akatsuki stepped forward boldly past the shrubbery and into uncharted territory. They all shrieked as they were attacked by miniature warriors with face paint on them.
"What is it!?" Itachi screamed in fear, pointing at one little kid chewing on the end of his cloak. Poor Itachi-kun. His eyesight just wasn't what it used to be.
"It's Tobi's long lost cousins," Deidara replied sardonically.
"Really?" Tobi squealed, swiveling his head around to look at all of his estranged "relatives".
"Stick a sock in it, Tobi! Swirley beech." (line blatantly borrowed from Tobi+Deidara animation on youtube)Zetsu suddenly screamed as two little kids climbed him and ordered him to take them to candy mountain, dubbing him "Charlie". (I know, I don't know, either.) A weird looking dude in a whole dorky-looking khaki outfit, like explorers on national geographic wear, came up to all of them and asked, "Oh, so you're the new camp counselors Mr. Lindman was talking about?"
"Uh…sure?" Pein answered uncertainly.
The pale, balding man clapped his pudgy hands together in glee. "Splendid! Let's just get you out of those fantastic cloaks and dress you all in something more suitable."
All except for Tobi raised an eyebrow questioningly at him; he was too busy playing with his long lost family members. While he hummed in the background, the man that looked like he hadn't seen the sun in years, ushered them into five separate rooms. Tobi was dragged into a room with Deidara, Sasori was with Zetsu, Pein was with Konan, Kakuzu with Hidan, and Kisame with Itachi.
As soon as Tobi was in the room, he started to wreck it. Juuust great.
"Tobi! You calm your ass down before I have to kick it!"
As he chased the hyperactive chibi around, he noticed a young girl in the corner, chuckling and snorting, trying to stifle her laughter and failing miserably. He stopped chasing Tobi for a moment to stare at her and got tackled.
"Yay! I win, Deidara-senpai! Now you have to give me a piggyback ride! Giddyup, horsie!"
Deidara was too busy staring in a daze at the beautiful brunette. She smiled shyly at him with big, beautiful green eyes, gnawing on her bottom lip that was carnation pink. She had tan skin, and her short hair was in a ponytail. She was wearing a dorky outfit as well, but it looked great on her. Deidara stuttered as he introduced himself.
"I-I'm Deidara, and this idiot here is my partner, Tobi."
She smiled politely and bent down to shake Tobi's hand. "Why, hello there, Tobi. I'm Himawouri Rika."
"Himawouri isn't your first name, is it?" Deidara asked fearfully.
She laughed, a pleasant, tinkling sound. "Of course not! I say my name the traditional way. You're…not from around here, are you?"
He shook his head. Tobi tugged on the hem of her shorts. "Rika-san, you're pretty."
Her cheeks turned a little pink, covering her mouth with her long, elegant hands. "Why, thank you, Tobi. Your senpai is pretty, too."
She winked at him, and he turned away, pretending that the questionable stain on the roof was of utmost importance. Tobi grinned and ran off. Deidara didn't know what was wrong with him. He'd never acted stupid over anyone. She fluttered her lashes flirtatiously at him, and sauntered out of the room, leaving poor Dei-dei confused and in love.
(A/N: Fangirls, there is no reason to kill me. If I'm a rabid fan and I can pair him with an OC, you should be fine. And she is NOT a Marysue.)
"Bleh," Zetsu coughed, trying to wiggle away from the little kids that had stuck him in a giant flower pot.
The little imps had jumped him and ran away with him while Kakuzu and Hidan just stood there laughing. Well, they weren't laughing after more little kids came and stole Hidan's scythe and started pulling on Kakuzu's threads. Now they were just as annoyed as him.
"Bwahahahahaha!" a little voice cackled. A brown haired little boy that mysteriously resembled Itachi (even with the bags under the eyes) leaped out from where he was hiding, covered in blue and yellow paint, holding a very real looking spear.
The balding pudgy counselor known only as "Smitty" had a freaked out look on his face.
"Kentaro Itazura! Put down that spear! Where did you get it?"
"From your mom!" he cackled, lunging at him and knocking him over, poking him in the ribs for good measure.
Kakuzu had to hand it to the little urchin; he was gutsy. Hidan smiled proudly at him. Itachi walked in on the scene and was freaked out as well.
"This is too Lord of the Flies for me. Sorry William Golding."
And he walked away. Tobi, from some random direction, ran screaming in the middle of the chaos shouting, "I'm running! I'm ruuuuuniiiiiiiing!!!"
They all stared, even the little kids, as Tobi defied the laws of gravity and ran around them in a circle in the air and back to the ground about five times before he zoomed off into the forest.
"That…was the scariest thing, I have ever saw."
Hidan nodded in agreement. Deidara came out of his "dorm" with a happy glow on his face, blue eyes all sparkly like a bishie's does, hearts floating around his face. Hidan's face fell.
"Correction. THAT is the scariest thing I have ever saw."
(A/N: Sorry, dudes/dudettes. Gotta end it there. I have to recuperate my funny ideas and put them in a non-logical order. I know, I know. I said I'd update this Tuesday, but the library I go to sucks, and there were like, 7 people in front of me on the waiting list to use the computers. Be happy I stayed up late last night to finish this, even though I have PSAT today.)