A/N: I own none of this. Honest. Nope, not me. Also none of the other characters who appear. Everything and everyone belongs to someone else. Thus is the story of my life.
A/N2: This ending was suggested by reviewer HammOnWry. I can recognize genius when I see it, and steal quite happily. Thanks
Harry Potter and the Trademark Dispute.
Chapter 16 – Emergency Backup Scooby Ending
Riddle sat alone in his lair. Abandoned by those few followers who still lived, he waited for the end. Potter had won. He had the slim hope that the Guild didn't know about his horocruxes, and that he would return, but without followers, how was he to regain his body? Damn Potter anyway. Sometimes he thought that the biggest mistake of his life had been listening to Snape when he brought him that damned prophecy. If he had just allowed Potter to grow up untouched, would he be the threat he is now? Actually he wasn't all that much of a threat; it was that damned girlfriend of his. Her mind just added to Potter's power. She might well be the best girlfriend ever… But it was all too late now.
"This is the place Lex"
"Thank you Mercy." A tall bald man strode into the throne room, dressed in a black muggle suit. Beside him stood a tall woman in the uniform of a chauffer.
"Tom Riddle I presume? I was led to believe that you had followers, yet here I find you all alone."
"Your counterparts took great pleasure in killing them."
"Ah, yes. They tend to be a rather dramatic group." Mercy handed the bald man a file. "Tom Marvolo Riddle. Born 1926, died October 31st 1981 at the hand of one Harry James Potter age 15 months. Reborn June 24th 1995. Has personally faced and failed to kill Harry James Potter four times, failing each time. Has the temerity to call himself a 'Dark Lord' despite being a trademarked term."
The bald man shook his head sadly. "We cannot allow individuals of minor abilities and the unfortunate habit of losing to his opponent to misuse our trademarked titles. You failed to obtain the blessing of any of the applicable divisions within the Guild."
"You haven't test me yet."
"Fine. Solve for a cube root." He paused for a moment while the Riddle gave him a blank look. "Math is the basis of all science, if you cannot perform a high school level math problem; you are rejected by the Science Division."
"I know you. You constantly fail against your main opponent as well."
"I do. That is a fact. My opponent is an Alien with god like powers. Yours was an infant, a child, and now a 17 year old boy with more interest in bedding his girlfriend than fighting you. Does that sound comparable to you?"
"I am immortal. I cannot be killed."
"Ah yes, your 'Horocruxes'. An interesting technique, though the effect it has on you is not to be envied. Our technomages collected them over a two week period, and destroyed them. They were quite entertained by the defenses you constructed around them. Several of that team are still giggling."
The Bald man checked the watch on his wrist. "Time to go. Mercy?"
Riddle's hope soared for a moment.
"Anytime you're ready Lex."
Luthor handed Riddle a slip of paper. "Report to this address Monday morning for orientation."
"Your punishment will be an unpaid internship in our magical division. You will perform adequately or find your self a test subject in the science labs."
Orientation was interminable. After the classes were over he was handed his id badge, name tag, rubber gloves and paper hat. Thus began his penance as an unpaid dark intern.
It turned out that being a dark intern has many similarities to being a janitor. The major difference being the weekly paycheck that those of the janitorial staff received. The worst of the insults showed up on July the 31st.
"Potter." He hissed.
"Janitor huh? I bet that's a let down."
"Dark Intern if you please. There's a difference."
"Pretty much." Riddle admitted. "What did you want Potter? Come to gloat?"
"Now gloating would be pretty immature wouldn't it? I'm here because my Wife (you remember Hermione, right?) gave this meeting to me as a birthday present. Today's my birthday you know."
"The Mudblood gave you a meeting with me for your birthday?"
"No. She gave me THIS!" And he kicked the former dark lord square in the balls.
Riddle fell to the floor and vomited.
"You know Tom, when she gave me the certificate, I thought 'why would I want this?', but I'll be damned if she wasn't right. That was fun. Thanks a lot. See you next year!"
And Potter returned every year on the anniversary of his birth to kick Tom Riddle. Much fun was had by all. Except Riddle.
"I was the most feared Dark Wizard Europe had known for 500 years. I had hundreds of followers willing to die at my whim. I had women on their knees before me every day, willing to sacrifice their own children for the opportunity. I was a hairsbreadth away from total domination of all of Europe. And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!"
"Yeah" said Andy his supervisor, starting to regret asking 'how's it hangin'?' when Riddle had entered the room. "Well there's a clean up in the Recombinant DNA labs. Someone fed the 80 foot Gorilla 600 kilos of banana, not knowing that bananas give her the trots. Better take two mops, it's a mess. Oh and watch your back, she's in heat and a little randy…"