A/N: So don't mind the crack-fic. This is what happens when one spends too much time studying for upper-level college mid-terms, at four in the morning, after days of sleeping in three-hour intervals because you just might forget to study something. Then, you realize that your overloaded brain cannot cram one more piece of information on the Sino-Japanese War, confederate military hierarchy, or Turabian usage (I will burn the Chicago Manual of Style someday) into itself. Large amounts of Starbucks don't help either.
So this was my de-stress technique. And you are subjected to it. It is much more fun than writing that stupid essay on Indian Wars! (Not that I'm calling Indian wars stupid, just writing in general).
Five drabbles about Naruto characters in odd situations. Some AU, some not.
Disclaimer: I can't pay my tuition payments. If I owned Naruto I could pay them, so the probable conclusion is that I don't own Naruto!
"Act One: Where's My Gourd?"
Was it really possible for him to lose his gourd? Honestly, it was attached to him by freaking chakra, and it fed off of him! So how did he manage to lose it? He had looked in his office, in the dining room, in the bathroom, and in his bedroom. He had even checked the shower. So where was it? And how was its presence being concealed?
Maybe his gourd had become sentient? He had heard of weapons with such powers. And with Shukaku in your life, you never knew what lay around the corner. The same thing had happened to a teddy bear when he was younger…
His jade eyes looked towards the ceiling in thought, and he realized that he hadn't seen Temari or Kankurou around at all today. Did they take his gourd? His weapon?!?! His only line to his powerful shinobi arts?!?!
Someone would die today.
When he finally tracked his siblings down he found them on one of the distant training fields staring at a boulder. He approached, but they made non move to acknowledge him. He looked over to the boulder, and he definitely wasn't prepared for what he saw behind it. A sign, painted crudely in lipstick, read 'Kazekage sand here! Get your souvenirs of our gorgeous leader! $5.00 a bag!' He stepped around, and he saw three girls sitting around his empty gourd. The girls looked up sheepishly, then to the gourd, then back to Gaara.
"Well, it all sold! I take it you want the money?" He growled.
"Act Two: Is That A Kunai In Your Pocket…"
Team Kakashi had been walking for what seemed like hours. It had taken them three times longer than they thought it would to get into Fire Country, and now it seemed that they wouldn't reach Konoha until tomorrow. All four of them were tired, stressed, and injured. Nothing sounded better than their beds at this point.
Sakura looked over at Naruto who was walking at half-mast. His body seemed to be drooping over; if the trip could get to him then the rest of them were screwed. On his other side Sasuke limped along, trying to act as nonchalant and uninjured as possible. Kakashi, on the far right, was leaning backward, his book down by his waist in one hand. He was too tired to read.
They were a sad sight.
They finally stopped around noon, and the sun had made everything so hot Sakura swore steam was coming off of the plants around them. She took off her shirts down to her half-tank top. She couldn't deal with the mesh and the protective tunic right now.
She didn't notice a certain blonde sprout a nose bleed.
Five minutes later they were up and walking again and she noticed Naruto was hunched over more than he had been. What is that? She looked closer, were his kunai pointing out of his pants? Baka! Didn't he know that kunai were supposed to lay vertical in his pockets?!?!
"Naruto, fix your kunai! Your legs wouldn't get so tired if it wasn't constantly rubbing your thigh the wrong way! Duh!" She flicked her hair over her shoulder and stormed forward, praising her 12-year old genius brain.
Naruto turned beet red and tried to adjust himself, while Kakashi and Sasuke snickered.
"Act Three: Seatbelts"
Sakura had been in Iron Country for almost a year now on an undercover mission. She had assimilated herself into the environment just like her ANBU sensei had taught her: work like them, talk like them, and act like them. She actually enjoyed it. She was working in a small salon that catered to the wives of many of the men she was investigating, she had been driving herself around so well, and the music here was great! She had never heard such a beat!
Unfortunately, Naruto and Sasuke came into town today to follow up a lead that she couldn't get at as easily as they could. So she had driven to the airport and picked them up like she would a brother or cousin, and used their fake names to greet them.
But Naruto wouldn't listen to her. He wouldn't wear his seatbelt! She had explained the device to him, but he didn't see a need for it. He had been told cars were safe; why did he need that?
"Because, Naruto, this is a foreign country! I know their customs! We are going to go a few minutes down this road here," she pointed down the exit of the airport, "and then we will hit the loop!"
"What is this loop?"
"It is a road with many cars on it! This country is not safe! Some of these people can't drive at all!"
He smiled at her. "Aw, but Sakura-chan, you said you were a good driver! I trust you!"
"It has nothing to do with trust, moron! Driving is the civilian way to wage war! They come at you fast and they smack into you! I can only do so much to keep you safe! The civilians are more dangerous than the shinobi! Than the Akatsuki!"
He gave her a look that said he clearly didn't believe it. He looked at Sasuke for support, but he already had his seatbelt on and was just sitting there, all arrogant and broody. "I'll be fine! I trust you so much Sakura-chan! You'll see! You'll be great, I just know you will!"
She never had to ask him to put his seatbelt on again after that first trip down the loop.
"Act Four: Shinobi in Skirts"
"I can't believe I'm doing this," Sasuke muttered. Naruto nodded his head in agreement. They looked ridiculous. What kind of shinobi did this? Who thought this up!
"You guys look great! I think this is gonna work just like we planned. Now, do you remember what you are supposed to do?"
"Maa, maa, Sakura. Of course."
"Yeah! Sakura-chan, all we have to do is go into the bar and sign up for the singing contest! These costumes were picked out by our spy, so he knows what this guy is gonna want in a woman. He'll fall in love with us, invite us back, and we just knock him out and get him back to our room so we can question him. Piece of cake, Sakura! Making ramen is harder than this!"
She giggled for a moment, then calmed herself down and waved them away. They walked into the bar and went to the table to sign up for the contest. But once they sat down Sasuke took the time to study his surroundings, marking every person and escape route he could see. And he noticed a few things that were off. They were all men. All of them. And some of them were in dresses, with make-up, but they weren't even trying to look like girls.
What the hell was going on?
He thought about his own costume, devoid of a female henge, and he realized it was probably obvious that they were just men in dresses. Why? How? Huh?
Then it hit him.
They weren't supposed to look like women. This was a gay bar. They were supposed to look like guys in dresses. He was sure they called it drag. He looked over at Naruto, horrified.
On Naruto's face was the same look, and he knew his partner had figured it out. He could hear Sakura laughing hysterically in the ear-piece, and he realized they'd been set up.
They weren't just performers, they were drag queens. How the hell did they get into this shit?
"Act Five: Tsunade Passes On More Than Just Medical Jutsu"
"Sakura, come here." Sakura walked over to the Hokage's desk, and sat patiently in front of her shishou. Tsunade-sama had told her earlier in the week that she thought she was ready to learn one of her most secret jutsus at the age of seventeen. She had assured Sakura it was an invaluable technique that would incapacitate every male shinobi in a mile radius if done correctly.
Sakura, being the over-achieving kunoichi she was, showed her eagerness to learn such a powerful technique by shifting in her seat constantly. Was it a poison? A potion? A medical jutsu?
"Watch closely, Sakura…"
Later that day, Sakura walked to Ichiraku to meet her team for dinner. She had perfected the new jutsu and was currently testing it out, just like shishou had suggested. Tsunade had been so proud of her.
But was it working?
Sakura slowly looked behind her, and noticed that the male were all down for the count, or they had a nosebleed. Some were just following her like zombie puppets. She turned back towards her destination, a huge smile on her face. It worked! Just wait until she told Naruto and Sasuke that she mastered a super-secret jutsu of a sannin in one day and that she had employed it to the best of her abilities! They would be so awestruck with her performance that maybe they would finally realize that she was more than just pink hair and super-strength.
She entered Ichiraku, and called out to her team. They all turned to welcome her, and offer her the meal they had ordered for her when suddenly, IT happened.
Naruto's eyes went swirly and he fell off his barstool. Kakashi looked stung, and he slid slowly down the counter before gathering his lower jaw and huddling into a ball. He rocked back and forth, muttering something about another Tsunade. Sasuke looked like he had been struck by lightning; his hair stuck up all over his head and he had a nosebleed to rival any waterfall she had ever seen.
She giggled and blushed behind her hand. Apparently Tsunade breast-enhancement jutsu did work as well as her shishou said it did.
Score one for Sakura! Shannaro!
A/N: Hope you enjoyed. I have some fics on that aren't here, so check 'em out if you want! Only if you're of age, though!
I had a few other ideas, but I felt five was all I could do. Must study.