Summary: "What you hear and what you see is the truth. Since it's me we're talking about… you have to read it for yourself."
Special Thanks to: GeoMill, silverfire113, .simplicity, Julye loves Lavi, KaraxLavi13, Hajimari, and .EverLastingFun., Thanks so much for reviewing on my last chapter. I'd like you to know that I haven't stopped this fic. I've been under really intense recovery and I'm so glad I could use my right hand again. Your reviews mean so much to me! bows Thanks a lot!
Disclaimer: Look if I owned this I wouldn't be here writing this, this would actually happen in the series! But sadly I don't own so you don't sue okay?
I like being around Lenalee-san.
No, it's not like that. I don't like Lenalee-san in the way all of you are probably thinking right now.
I wouldn't dare be part of the competition.
"Johnny are you sure that it's this way?"
I beamed at her and nodded, "Yup, I'm sure about this Lenalee-san." I've actually lost count on how many flight of stairs have we ascended on but since I'm used to what our destination looks like it doesn't matter. Lenalee-san said nothing as she tipped her head from side to side and I caught a glimpse of her lips curling into a small smile. I wonder what song is she mentally humming right now.
Lenalee-san has a habit of serving coffee not only to Komui-san but, to everybody in the Science Section during the days that she isn't assigned to any mission. Reever-san scolded her several times that she should take the time for herself and relax but she would just shrug and say "I am". I understand Reever-san for reprimanding her though. An exorcist really shouldn't bother herself with trivial things such as serving coffee but this has probably been deeply rooted in her so there's no use reprimanding her I guess. We're embarrassed but we're thankful for it. We really are.
Lenalee-san is just too caring.
In my opinion, due to the type of person that she is, she needs someone to take care of her. Aside from Komui-san's inhumane proportion of sister-complex watching over her. I think Lenalee-san needs something a little more personal.
He who dares goes against The Sister-Complex himself must be insane beyond proportions.
I swear I'd praise that person whoever he was.
"I never knew that there was a library high up here."
"I wouldn't know it myself until Reever-san asked me to do several favors for him."
I'm looking for Lavi-san by the way. The library we're headed to is where I commonly find him. I just happen to bump into Lenalee-san who decided to join me since she had nothing better to do. I told her that I'm very fascinated with Lavi-san. I like hearing his stories and experiences around the world. His journeys were brief but whenever he tells about it he never misses a detail. He makes you feel that you've been there before too. Lavi-san has an amazing array of knowledge of a number of languages as well. He's usually at the library at this time.
"I hope we're not disturbing him though." I murmured as my fingers fidgeted.
Lenalee-san shook her head, "Lavi would be happy to have company."
The dark-oak wood door towered on us as I gripped on the doorknob. The door never fails to intimidate me and I think Lenalee-san is intimidated too. She stepped back a little as she watched me open the door.
We were greeted by a draft that carries the smell of aging paper and worn out ink. It had a strange comforting feel to it the kind you get when you're searching around your attic in hopes of finding something really nostalgic. It was generally dark but the huge door like window at the end of the library had its curtain shifted a little in order allowing some light to crawl into the room. Still the library was practically lit by large spiral-shaped candles that flicker only when the doors are open. I urged Lenalee-san to enter and she was in awe at the towering bookshelves practically planted in the library's interior. Of course the most essential part is all the scattered papers that serve as tiles on the floor.
She chuckled as she went around, "This is no different from Lavi's room! You can hardly find anything around here!"
I nodded, "It also reminds me of our office."
She laughed some more, "Lavi! Are you in here?"
Silence is a general rule in a library but this library itself is an exception.
"He might've fallen asleep or buried somewhere Lenalee-san. Is it alright for us to split up and look for him?"
She instantly nodded and we went our separate ways.
I've been here couple of times before and it baffles me as to why I can't seem to remember where Lavi-san always lingered in the library. As I walk through halls and halls of bookshelves it made me wonder if Lavi-san have read everything in this library. I was told by Komui-san before that this was a special library. In fact it's supposed to be restricted because it held books and documents only a number of Central's staff knew. Not even Komui-san read much about the books and documents in here. Lavi-san was special because he's a Bookman.
Just how hard is it to record history? I wonder what kind of training Lavi-san had to endure just to train his memory for it. It sounds so harsh having to go around and record one piece of history after the other. Lavi-san must have a really strong heart as well as a stomach just to endure every part of it. I actually have lots of things I'd want to ask about Lavi-san.
I could sense it the day he first came here and I naively asked for his measurements so I could make his uniform.
Lavi-san is awkward around us.
Makes me wonder if he's used to having us around.
Maybe being around people isn't really part of being a Bookman at all…
I blinked and realized where I was headed. It was a small room where I usually find Lavi-san. The huge door like windows came from this room and it was only now that I realized that the door was slightly opened. I slowly approached the door and peeked just to see if he was around.
The room was so bright and what I saw wasn't a mistake.
I saw pearl-shaped drops of water dropping itself on aging paper.
It scared me so much that I panicked and ran out of the room.
I don't find questions offensive.
Questions, no matter how underhanded they may be, are the only way you can get answers. Answers, whether you'd like to hear them or not, are attainable only by asking the right questions.
My past is very questionable and I'm quite aware of that.
Everyone's past is questionable actually and everyone's aware of that as well. Its how one manages to keep it and act like it's no big deal makes one's past mysterious and amazingly, ignorable. And that's when people start jumping into conclusions.
Perceptions never cease to amuse me, seeing that it varies from one person to another. Of course I have my own variations depending on whom or what we're talking about not forgetting the fact that I'm innately observant since my duty requires me to be such. Take for example Yuu's perception of Allen. Allen is too young to have white hair, too short for a guy his age and, too kind to be cut off as an Exorcist. All of which would lead to why Yuu calls him a "bean sprout" since "growing" is something Allen should really catch up on. Plus when the sprouts are young they're white right? That explains the white hair. It is in this area why I agree with Yuu in calling Allen a bean sprout.
Being called "Bookman Jr." is definitely no child's play seeing that history in itself is recorded by you and in you. Given the perception of "normal", people would see it as something wordlessly amazing or simply see me as an "akuma" since such a feat sounds really impossible. Obviously the latter perception of me would either annoy or bother me then again in the end I won't care.
This cannot be denied. One would always wonder how he is perceived by those around them.
I, for one, will not deny that fact.
Incidentally I'm proving it right now.
Johnny, one of the youngest members of the Science Section group, was screaming my name and knocking on my room like his life depended on it. The moment I opened the door he collapsed on his knees in front me. His breathing is really harsh which tells me he's been running several flights of stairs already. His sweat was trickling down like rain water, with that I could tell that his stamina is not that good. To think that I was just in my room the whole time made me feel a little guilty. Finding me must be really urgent. Too bad I don't have a glass of water.
I kneeled down for him, "Easy Johnny catch your breath first alright?" He nodded meekly then took a deep breath.
A nagging feeling is hanging at the back of my head and I suddenly I felt uneasy, "Johnny what's wrong?"
"I don't--- I don't know--- why---" It didn't seem to bother him that he hadn't completely caught his breath, "But she… she's crying."
I've seen it…
More than once…
I can actually sympathize with the stage of panic that he is in now. I know very well what it feels. I've felt that more than once and it triggered various emotions even I didn't realize existed. Like a bullet train with passengers in a hurry to get in, questions lined up in my mind. Was she wounded? Did she break a bone or something? Or maybe she got into an argument? But with whom? Wait is Leverrier here on an unexpected visit? What the hell is that guy's problem with her anyway? What did she get herself into this time?
My train of thoughts broke as I heard Johnny taking a real, deep breath.
"Where did you come from anyway Johnny?" The poor kid is suffering oxygen deprivation real bad.
I blinked as I thoughtfully registered what he said, "What were you doing there?"
"We were looking for you and it was the first place I thought of to look for you. The library was so wide we split up then I found her in the room you were usually in… She was standing in front of your study carrel with her head bowed down and she was… she was…"
"Crying." I finished and he nodded hysterically.
"I feel so bad Lavi-san. What if she saw something she didn't want to see? Or wasn't supposed to see?"
I felt a strange pang crippling me all of the sudden. If she really is standing in front of my study carrel like Johnny said she was then… A sad realization washed over me and I gave my hand out to Johnny so he could stand.
"You're right Johnny. She probably didn't want to see it. Given the chance she wouldn't want to read it either…"
He stared at me with confused eyes scanning my face for answers but he knew he wouldn't be able to find one anyway.
"Please see her Lavi-san."
It goes without saying my dear friend.
I'm about to substitute Johnny from his mile long marathon when a small nagging thought behind my mind popped out. I took a step forward and my back faces him as I allowed myself to voice the thought that popped out for me.
It's a logical question isn't it? I mean everyone here at The Order knows that Lenalee has a brother. It's in people's nature to call the closest relative of an upset or troubled person right? If not a relative it would usually be the closest person to her. Said closest people to her are beings like fellow female Miranda, or close friends like Allen or Reever.
Who does he think I am?
Instead I felt the little guys hand give the push that could've cost him his life.
"For her sake, who do you want to be?"
I don't will for it to happen.
Crying is as natural as breathing for me.
Yes, I know and I'm aware of it.
But I don't will for it to happen.
There's this strangling pain that builds up inside me and it causes me to tremble so badly that I've got to let it out of my system somehow. It's so terrible that it's suffocating. I've probably done this ever since I could remember… All those nightmarish nights I've spent in my childhood… Crying was probably the most sensible thing I've done before my brother came for me.
I didn't will for it to happen. But before I knew it my eyes felt warm and pools of water started to form around my eyes.
I was helping Johnny look for Lavi when I stumbled into this small room at the end of the library. The door was slightly opened and I could see stray rays of the afternoon sunlight crawling out from the room. It was too bright that I couldn't focus my gaze on anything as I peeked. I slowly entered the room instead hoping to see signs of the red-hair.
I stared. No wonder it was so bright in this room. The windows were as large and as wide as the door of this library! The windows were slightly opened and I could feel a nice blow of fresh breeze and some leaves were blown in as well. The smell was quite distinct from the one outside. It still had the nostalgic hold but somehow there was a distinct spice that rose above it. It vaguely reminds me of someone's perfume. The room was a little tidier compared to the one outside. The bookcases were situated only on the walls but the floor still had the same scattered sheets of paper serving as tiles.
It felt strange. I had a feeling that something in this room is calling out to me.
My eyes however rested on a lone study carrel at the farthest corner of the room. An antique looking chair was stationed as its partner. The study carrel was as messy as my brother's table; at least the ink bottle is at the corner so it wouldn't spill just in case a strong wind blew in. I traced the faint traces of scratched out candle wax that faintly reminded me of wine.
And that's when the calling stopped.
That's when my eyes felt warm and pools of water started to form around my eyes.
My fingers seemed to flitter as I tried to get a hold of its edges. It was open and it looked so old.
I winced as the first word registered to me. Despite its attempts to look neat, the penmanship looked frail and scrawny.
Nostalgic as it may seem, it looked like a child's handwriting.
Blind-freak. Cocky brat. Insolent little thing.
I know how many times I've been called that. I also know how many times a kid would call me that in a day, a week, and a month. If I try I can even know how many times a kid would call me that in a year. Adults would call me that once in a while too. Maybe I should try remembering how many times adults would call me that in a day, a week and a month. If I try I can even know how many times they would call me that in a year too.
Yes I know.
I really do. I've been taught to.
But it's strange.
I know it. I really do.
Why can't I write it down?
The scribbles started to slant in various directions and even if it was written in different ways it still belonged to the child.
It was like the child wanted to emphasize that the thoughts he wrote down came from different people.
Cocky brat thinks he knows everything!
Kids these days think they're so mature!
Insolent little thing aren't you? Do you honestly think you have a place with adults?!
You're naïve as you are young and stupid as you are blind! What do you know that we don't?!
What do other children have that I don't?
I'm still a kid so…
What makes me different?
Why can't I be seen like the other kids?
Since when did being "ordinary" become so hard?
A sneaky creak was easily heard due to the deafening silence.
"You know he's all grown up right now."
A gentle breeze mingled with the autumn scent entered from the opened window.
"You know him?"
"Well yeah, after all I am grown up."
She took a deep breath but held her silence as she gently dropped the book down on the carrel as she clenched her fists.
"Won't you turn this way?"
He stepped down from the window sill. At first he hesitated but before he knew it his hand was already resting on her shoulder but only her head turned to face him. Her brows are furrowed and furious, her cheeks were flushed and looked like they were slightly puffed out and of course, the part he wouldn't miss, the amethyst orbs were drowned drowning.
They were drowning all over again.
It caught Lavi off guard but he waved it off with a gentle smile.
Lenalee was finding it very hard to resist, "A-are you sure?"
In reply the hand that was staying on her shoulder fell to the small of her back and with swift and gentle force, made her body face him and was now faced against his chest. As his other hand buried itself under the silk like locks he lowered his head and whispered something against her ear. "Thank you."
Her crying was as natural as her breathing.
Far-away and uneasy.
She knew that look in his eyes the first time he set into headquarters. In fact she was so familiar with it that she couldn't detach herself from it all. She decided to ask just in case. They were at her brother's office and she was pouring coffee.
"Lavi's quite awkward isn't he?"
He stared from his coffee cup, "How come?"
She plopped down to the nearest chair as she raised her legs to hug her knees. "He… just doesn't seem comfortable around us Nii-san. It's been a month already. Do you think we did something to make him feel uncomfortable?"
Komui thoughtfully stared at his coffee cup, "I think Lavi's just uncomfortable around people…" He paused as he sipped his coffee, "In fact he reminds me of you don't you think?"
End of flashback
Thinking back then I didn't understand what my brother meant. Instead it bothered me as to why Lavi was uncomfortable to people. Obviously he had no problems befriending everybody including me, Allen, Krory, Miranda and even Kanda. It was only until when we were further thrown into missions that could cost our lives that I realized that there really was a distance after all. I kind of understood why my brother said that you remind him of me.
After my brother came to the Black Order he helped me struggle to put myself back together. I had to accept the fact that I'd be working side by side with the Black Order despite the things they've put me through. My brother took his time in helping me trust them little by little until I've finally learn to put faith in someone else other than my brother.
When I realized that you kept your distance from us it felt so different compared to mine.
It felt as if you were doing it on purpose.
The harsh part of it was that it is actually a part of who you are.
To be honest I'm actually relieved that despite writing down the history of the world you can write your "own history" too. I guess writing is one of the few things you've always been honest with. But after I read just the first few pages I felt the strangled pain bundle up all over again and there's only one way to get it out of my system. I'm starting to hate it right now. These are one of the times were it feels uncontrollable. But I know that this isn't for me and that I was giving it my all.
It startled me that her sobs suddenly became a little stronger and uncontrollable. I hugged her a little tighter and sighed, "Lenalee, just so you know it's over already."
As I came here via the fastest way I know of, which is using my hammer, I've mentally rehearsed lots of lines on what to say when I see you the way Johnny left you. And the only concrete thought that I had in mind was to apologize to you. It was something that you didn't have to see out of the blue.
She buried herself on my chest as her voice quivered, "S-shut up. I'm not crying for the grown up you know!"
"You know… That little boy didn't know how to cry."
I felt her raise her head slightly, "He didn't?"
I shook my head and for a moment my eyes rested on the book that was left opened on the carrel. Looking back now I started to remember how much I had to struggle just to write for myself. To answer to that is this: It simply doesn't make any sense. To write history, the pages that only I would know, only has room for the selfish witness. One who doesn't have a shred of care or subjectivity for the world.
Bookman doesn't need a heart.
As a child I understood something as trivial as that. I never said I accepted it. Those two words pass off as different things. Thus the birth of the log that made the woman in my arms cry. I felt her completely burying her face in my chest.
"You don't have to apologize."
I paused. I wonder if you felt the guilt that just twisted around me just now. Not to mention I owe Johnny probably two tanks of oxygen for running like mad and telling me everything about it.
"Lavi-san, for her sake who do you want to be?"
I took a deep breath.
That's the easiest question anyone has ever asked me.
I want to be myself.
"I'll stay with you. I'll stay with you until you finish the whole log."
She raised her head and her amethyst orbs met mine. Tears and confusion clearly reflected in her orbs.
"What you hear and what you see is the truth. Since it's me we're talking about… you have to read it for yourself."
Lenalee looked at me long and hard. I had to gulp. If there's one thing I hate about these kinds of confrontations it's the part where your confidence suddenly sinks out on you when you've said the most heartfelt line your heart could ever conjure and the initial reply you get is deadly silence. If silence could kill I'm swimming in the pool of my own doom.
I just can't take it.
I slowly guided her towards the study carrel, picked up the log book. I let her sit down on the chair and I set myself by her side. The log book lay limp on her lap and once again she looked at me long and hard. She raised her hand and I watched it shiver as she tried t o open the book back where she stopped. I rested my hand on her shoulder and pressed it reassuringly, "It's alright."
And finally after the long the deadly silence she looked up at me to smile.
We listened to the sound of our footsteps echoing as we down the stairs. Lenalee suppressed a small yawn and I could only chuckle. Who knew that we'd end up at the library until 4 o'clock in the morning reading, laughing, sharing experiences and asking questions? I don't know how to describe the feeling of having someone to share your "history" with.
One thing's for sure, I've never felt so open in my entire life.
I'll really have to savor the moment…
"Oh yeah… There was an entry I forgot to ask about."
"What was it?"
"There was this character named "Weak Light", is it someone I know?"
I winced and my heart started to panic… It came from the battle in Road's Dream.
It was pure nostalgia. We were in the boat headed towards the Black Order's Headquarters. The old panda was lecturing me again together with the other Lavi. I had to endure every fact that they pointed out. The truths about being a Bookman. At first I thought I was doing well until the other "Lavi" spoke up.
"You poison the hearts inside both people and demons…"
I heard another movement in the water. And it wasn't our boat.
"Your eye of the past… Wasn't it lit up with that weak light?"
My heart stopped and my breathing hitched as I saw your body floating in a coffin…
"What's the matter Lavi? Isn't that just a small piece of history?"
"A moron from the past said she was just a small piece of history."
She yawned again, "Moron?"
I studied her carefully. I paused as I thought of what to say to her so she would stop asking about it. Just a little more and I can drop her off in her room.
"Well he was a moron after all. He didn't know what he was talking about."
Her steps were wobbling so I had to pull her closer to make sure she didn't trip or fall. "Who was he talking about anyway?"
I didn't answer.
I heard a small chuckle, "Is she really a small part of history?"
"You look like you would fall anytime now. You should've agreed to my offer of using the shortcut." My eyes gleamed as I glanced to the side. Perfect, a wide window that could fit two people. Her eyes suddenly widened in horror as she realized what was running in my mind. "LAVI!!! DON'T YOU DARE----"
Ha. Ha. Too late.
Using the hammer was the fastest thing to get up and it is definitely the fastest thing to go down. After passing through several floors and finally finding the veranda of her bedroom. Her feet landed shakily on the marble floor as she held on to me and reluctantly let me go, "Don't… Ever do that… AGAIN!!!"
Well at least that took her off her earlier questi---
"You still didn't answer my question." I didn't really expect her to whisper in my ear that way! I struggled to grip on the hammer a little tighter. Now I understand what all the guys who played "Romeo" must've felt as they tightly held on to their ladders like they were holding on to dear life.
"I swear that wasn't funny!!"
"You look at lot sleepier than I am! Were you even paying attention to what I was saying?"
I regained my composure as I landed my feet on the marble floor. "I was listening."
"Hm… If you won't answer that she really is a small part of history isn't she?"
I raised a brow at her and stared at her long and hard. If you only knew…
"Maybe I should let you know."
She was taken back as she made one small step backward. "Wh-what?"
With one step forward I closed the distance between us and situated my arm just behind her back.
"Just in case you might fall down."
"And why will I—"
I took in the expression of confusion and embarrassment written all over her face. Pink stains were coloring her cheeks, amethyst orbs glowing under the faint moonlight, the rhythm of her breathing getting slower and steady, and lips that struggled to find words to say besides my name. This is something that should really go down in my history.
"You know she isn't a small part of my history…"
"Then, what is she?"
With only five centimeters gap between her lips and mine I gave her the answer she was looking for.
"You're the biggest part of my life."
HOLY!!! LOL!! HAHA!! Okay I considered that very cccccheeeeesssyyyyyy!! XD I liked it either way! R & R everyone thanks a lot!