Disclaimer: I don't own these characters.
As always, cheers and thanks to Kipling-Nori. Hope you are having fun on your trip. Here's something trippy for you (other than chocolate covered HC)! Get it?
I was going to wait until Valentine's Day to post this, but I've had it for months, and just wanted to put it up. It's supposed to be completely ridiculous, so don't read this expecting your characters to be acting normally or seriously, at all. You were warned!
In case anyone is worried, this isn't a slash fiction. The whole Batman's crush on Wally is just a set up for a bunch of crazy scenarios. Hope you enjoy!
You Give Love a Bad Name
Chains of love got a hold on me
When passions a prison, you cant break free
-Bon Jovi's You Give Love a Bad Name
On the top of snow-capped Mount Olympus, Aphrodite, the goddess of love, popped a peeled grape into her mouth. As she enjoyed the breeze created by the moving palm fronds in the hands of her servants, she decided to check in on one of her dearest worshipers.
Walking over to a pond in the middle of her throne room, Aphrodite bent down to touch the water and uttered, "Show me Diana." An image of Wonder Woman speaking with Batman appeared on the water below her.
As she watched her loveliest follower, Aphrodite noticed that Diana's companion wouldn't even turn around to look at her. His eyes were fixed on the screen in front of him. "Harumph. Too busy with work, I suppose." It was beyond her how any man could reject a woman who possessed her beauty. The goddess's lips pursed in anger at the man's broad back, but then they turned into a devious smile. Aphrodite had ways to overcome Batman's resistance.
She raised an elegant hand and pointed a finger at one of her attendants. "You, slave. Get Eros."
"Yes, your grace."
Within minutes a very handsome young man with large wings approached her throne. "How can I be of service, mother?"
"You know not to call me that." She gestured for him to come over to the small pool of water. "I want you to shoot the man dressed like a bat. But do it quickly, before anyone enters the room. I want him falling in love with Wonder Woman, and no one else."
"Are you sure this is a good idea?"
"Of course it is a good idea. This man's arrogance is unbelievable. To think that he would reject Diana. Fool!"
"As you wish." And with that, the winged god flew out of the palace and towards the Watchtower.
Satisfied that her work was done, Aphrodite retired to her lounge chair and invited the manservant who had summoned Eros to join her on her couch and feed her grapes.
Still looking at the monitors, Batman answered his future date. "I think I can make an exception for Valentine's Day."
"So, is there anything in particular you want me to wear?"
As he gave his answer, he began to turn around. "By the end of the night it won't matter."
He had just finished his sentence and was happily anticipating a glance at a pink cheeked Diana when Flash rushed in to give Wonder Woman an iced mocha.
Diana tensed up; she knew Batman didn't like to be interrupted, least of all by Flash.
But it seemed like Batman was full of surprises. He was staring at Flash with his mouth wide open, like a fish.
Flash looked at Diana and quietly asked, "What did you say to him?"
She whispered back. 'Nothing that would make him look like that."
They didn't get to discuss it further as the rest of the Justice League entered the room.
Diana went to take her usual seat next to Batman, but he had moved to sit next to Flash.
As Superman had just called the meeting to order, she didn't get to think about the slight for very long. Besides, she was too busy mentally planning her outfit for the night. Red lace or black satin. Oh, maybe the pink leather. It's always so difficult choosing the perfect headband.
Lost in creating her perfect ensemble, she forgot about Bruce's odd behavior. The rest of the League, however, did not.
It seemed as if the caped crusader could focus only on the willowy man dressed in scarlet. The most disturbing thing of all was the small smile that had settled on Batman's lips.
Superman decided to end this meeting as quickly as possible. "And now for the last item on our agenda. Any suggestions on how to put Killer Frost's crime spree on ice?"
After everyone finished groaning at the horrible pun, they all turned to look at Batman, as he had previous experience with Mr. Freeze.
The whole room went silent when the man in black said, "I'd like to hear what Wally has to say about this." All eyes turned on the unsuspecting speedster.
Flash looked up from his caffeinated confection, his eyes the size of saucers. Quick, Wally. Think of something. Anything.
"Well, uh, we could bring a bunch, like around 10,000, of those outdoor heaters, you know, the ones they have outside the nice restaurants so you can eat outside in winter. And we can turn them on…At the same time, and then she'll melt."
Hawkgirl snorted. "You have got to b-..."
Batman gave her a batglare to shut her up, then turned two kinder and gentler lenses on Wally. "No one would anticipate that. Good job, Flash."
The other league members who were about to protest or make fun of Flash's plan shut their mouths in astonishment and resignation. Once Batman was behind an idea that was the end of discussion.
More than slightly confused, Superman dismissed the meeting, and everyone left the room except for Diana and Batman.
Diana sauntered towards her Valentine, but was slightly startled when Batman opened his mouth and barked, "Get back here, Wally."
Trying to speak as seductively as she knew how, Diana cooed, "Bruce, what time should I come over tonight?"
"Wonder Woman, you need to leave. I have important things to discuss with Flash."
"But I'm a senior member of the league. You should be able to do this with me here." She slinked over towards Bruce and put her arm around him. "Besides, we have some things to discuss, too."
Flash walked through the doors just in time to hear the most beautiful woman in the world get turned down by a man who pretended to be a bat in his free time.
"I don't think that dating you is such a good idea after all."
Mortified by his rudeness, Diana exited the room as quickly as possible. Something is not right here.
When Diana had left, Flash walked towards his fellow superhero. "That was harsh Bats, even for you."
"She'll thank me for it later. Besides, I am currently interested in pursuing other options."
"But it's Diana. What other option is better than her?"
"If you don't already know, I'm not going to tell you."
Flash rolled his eyes. "You and your secrets. Well, I know you wanted to talk about Killer Frost, but I have a date with Linda to get ready for."
Batman leaned over Flash, his teeth bared in a growl. "This is more important than Linda."
"You try dealing with her when she's been stood up. Besides, it's Valentine's Day. I doubt Killer Frost is going to do anything tonight. Find Diana and have some fun."
"Diana and I are over. I expect you back here at midnight. No excuses."
Flash turned to shuffle sadly out of the door.
"Don't worry Flash. It will be worth your while."
Flash turned around, a horrified look on his face. Then he sped away as quickly as possible, engrossed in his thoughts. That's twice that Batman has been nice to me. Batman is never nice to me. Something is not right here.
As soon as Flash left, Bruce called Alfred.
The faithful servant answered the communication happily, "I have prepared nearly everything for you and Miss Diana."
"There's been a change of plans. You're going to need to send it up to the Watchtower."
"Is something wrong with Miss Diana, sir?"
"Nothing's wrong with Wonder Woman, but she's not the one I'm getting ready for."
Alfred tried to keep the disbelief and anger out of his voice. "Of course, sir." The older man ended the transmission, feelings of foreboding coming over him. Something is not right here.
Back in the comfort of her room, Diana tried to piece together everything that had happened. Bruce was openly flirting with her when Flash rushed into the room, and then everything had changed. He had rejected her. Wonder Woman—the most beautiful woman in the world. No man rejected her. Ever. Not even Batman. There must be some explanation.
Diana slowly looked up, as the realization and horror dawned on her. "Aphrodite."
She flew to Mount Olympus as quickly as she could, praying to all her goddesses that it wasn't too late.
Nervous about all that had happened, and still having an hour before his date, Wally needed the advice of a good friend. He picked up the phone and dialed the number of his most trusted advisor.
"Wally, good to hear from you. How have you been?"
"I don't have much time to talk right now. Got a date later."
"Good for you. I knew one of these days some woman would take pity on you. Make sure you tell your sister I said, 'Hi.'"
"I don't have- Hey!"
"Why are you calling me?"
"Let me just ask you a question. What was it like growing up with Bruce?"
"Oh, you know…we'd always be sparring or training or working together on something Batman related. Not the ideal childhood, but I think I turned out ok."
"Did you ever sleep with him in his bed?"
"What?! What the hell does that have to do with anything, Wally?"
"Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. Just answer the question."
"Yeah. Once. But it was my first night in the manor, and I just had a nightmare about my parents."
"And were there any poles in the Batcave?"
"Did you and Batman slide down poles to enter the cave?"
"You've been there. The only entrance to the cave from the Manor is through that old grandfather clock."
"Did you design your Robin uniform?"
"No. Why are you asking me all these stupid questions?
Though they had been friends for years, Wally had never brought up the weird rumors about Batman being gay. But as he was in crisis, now was not the time to be secretive, even if it would have spared Nightwing's feelings.
"Dick, for years you walked around Gotham in green underwear with your thighs exposed all the time. You spent most of your nights with a man who has never had a serious girlfriend in his life. And you weren't even the least bit suspicious? Bruce wouldn't even give you a pair of tights during the winter when it was below zero outside!!!"
"Wally, you're disgusting."
"Well, it's just that Bruce has been acting strangely today, towards me. And there's always been those rumors about you and Bats…"
"Batman does not swing that way. You see him nearly every day. He has a little thing going on with Wonder Woman, who is, like, the most beautiful woman in the world. And even if he were gay, I doubt he would fall for you."
"Yeah, I know, but he canceled on her tonight, and he expects me back at the Watchtower to meet with him."
The line went silent for a few seconds. Then Wally heard Dick say in a contemplative voice, "Hmm. Bruce canceling a date to work on a case. That's never happened before. You're right; he must be gay."
"You really think so?!"
"No, you idiot!" Wally had to pull the phone away from his ear, Dick's voice was so loud.
Feeling slightly silly, Wally tried to prove his case. "But he complimented me on one of my ideas."
"Well, that's a little strange, but everyone is capable of moments of brilliance. It was bound to happen to you someday."
And with those words, Dick convinced Wally of how ridiculous he was being. "Yeah, you're right. It was a pretty good idea."
"See. Now go get ready for your date with Linda."
"Thanks, Dick. Bye."
Not one to dwell on things out of his control, Flash got ready to meet his date.
Diana alighted in front of Aphrodite's palace. On her way in, she passed a number of male servants barely dressed, peacocks, doves, and many different woodland animals roaming the premises.
She finally reached Aphrodite's inner sanctum. She was laying on one of her many couches, receiving a back rub from a particularly handsome male dressed in a toga.
Seeing Diana, Aphrodite turned to her servant. "We'll finish this later, Adonis. You may leave." The man silently nodded then walked out of the room.
"He's beautiful, isn't he Diana?"
Diana bowed her head in obeisance. "Yes, my lady."
The goddess, swathed in a diaphanous pink robe that swirled around her, approached her favorite. "But I take it, he isn't your type. I know you like the dark and gloomy one. Is he good looking under that mask of his?"
"Yes, my lady."
"Then what are you doing here? I thought you would be more pleasantly occupied."
"I find nothing more pleasurable than your company, Aphrodite. But I think there has been a mistake."
"You love this Batman, don't you?"
"Of course, but-
"Well, then, there is no mistake."
"I think Eros shot Batman with one of his arrows, and instead of seeing me first, he saw Flash. He's in love with Flash." Diana almost started crying, but managed to check her tears.
Aphrodite laughed, and the hall filled with a sound like the chorus of tinkling bells. But when she saw the glum look on Diana's face, she sobered up. "Oh that. Yes, it seems that Eros wasn't fast enough. But that cold man deserves to be humiliated for his constant denials of you, my dear. Don't you think?"
"We were actually discussing our date tonight when this occurred. Please, Aphrodite, have mercy. He is a good man." No longer able to control her strong emotions, Diana started to sob, occasionally throwing in a few words, made obscure by her tears.
Aphrodite moved closer to Diana and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "What's that, my love, I can't hear what you are saying?"
Diana's chin was hung in defeat on her chest as she admitted, "I don't want to be a virgin forever."
Wonder Woman was pulled into the goddess's comforting arms. "There, there dear. Everything will be fine. There is a way to reverse the effects, but if we use the lead-tipped arrows, Batman will hate Flash forever. I'm sorry, but that's the only cure."
Diana sniffled, but looked up hopefully. "It will be fine. No one will notice the difference."
Aphrodite handed her the lead-tipped arrow, with two little gold arrows as well.
Diana looked at her questioningly.
"For your date tonight."
"While I appreciate your kindness, I don't think Batman will."
"Have faith, daughter, he will. And the effects of the smaller arrows will only last 24 hours. And just for you…" Aphrodite touched Diana's forehead, and Diana's skin began to glow. Her hair, which had been messed up during her flight to Olympus, looked straight and sleek. Her skin smelled of roses. Diana had never looked so beautiful. Aphrodite winked at Diana. "Go get him."
Knowing better than to argue, Diana took all the arrows, and Aphrodite transported her to the Watchtower.
When Diana entered the conference room the sight before her almost turned her to stone.
On the table was a beautiful spread of candles, roses, orchids, and lilies. There was expensive wine and champagne, steak, salad, potatoes, various assortments of dessert and fresh fruit, and boxes of chocolate. Wally bound to the table and unmasked.
Though the man in scarlet was trembling, he managed to plead, "Batman, don't do this."
"I always get what I want. And no freckle-faced ginger is going to stop me."
More urgently, Wally begged, "Bruce, you don't know what you're doing."
As Batman leaned in to show Wally he knew exactly what he was doing, Diana screamed, "Hera, no!" Then in one swift motion, she took the arrow and stabbed Bruce in the leg.
When Wally didn't feel any lip action, he slowly opened first his left eye and then the right. The look on Batman's face was one of pure disgust. He wasn't sure if Bruce was going to kill him or throw up.
Luckily for Wally, he did neither. Instead, Bruce stalked out of the room, taking all the alcohol with him.
"What just happened?"
Diana explained everything to Wally as she untied him.
Diana took hold of Flash by both of his arms, and looking straight into his eyes, she petitioned her distraught friend. "Flash, you cannot tell anyone about this. Not a soul. Bruce will kill you."
"Batman wouldn't do that. He's against killing people."
"I told you about the lead-tipped arrows; it might be out of our control."
Wally gulped. Too frightened to speak, he just nodded his head.
"I'm really sorry, Wally. Perhaps we should ask Zatanna to perform a mind-wipe on you."
"I th… I think that's a good idea."
"Ok, I'll make sure she is here tomorrow at 9:00." She peered worriedly into his eyes when he didn't answer.
She repeated her question, "Ok?"
"Yeah, sure, Diana, I'll be here."
And with that, he left in a scarlet blur.
Diana, meanwhile, raced to find Bruce.
Having visited nearly everywhere on the Watchtower and having called Alfred to find out that he had no idea where Bruce was, Diana entered the last place it had occurred to her to look.
As she walked into his quarters, Bruce walked out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair sparkling with water.
From her place against the door, Diana teasingly observed, "Couldn't wait to get your clothes off, I see."
Bruce didn't even look at her as he answered, "More like take a shower. I feel defiled."
She looked over his body, but tried to maintain a professional tone when she said, "You're red all over."
"Rubbed my skin raw to get the filth off."
"Bruce, you had no control over what happened. It was all Aphrodite's work."
Bruce inhaled deeply and brought a hand to his forehead. "I can't believe I almost did that."
"I have ways of making you forget."
Bruce finally looked at Diana. He had to shake his head in order to clear the cobwebs. She is the most beautiful woman in the world. Thankful that he managed to keep that thought to himself, he tried to stay on topic. "Hmm?"
"My lasso. It induces sleep."
Bruce had always dreamed about Diana and that lasso, but he wasn't going to let her know that. "I'm not getting into that lasso. Who knows what other powers it has that you haven't told me about."
He sat down on the bed. "I think I have a headache."
Diana waved the arrows in front of his face and in a sing song voice said, "I have something that will make it all better."
He eyed the arrows suspiciously. "That's what got this whole thing started. Thanks, but I'll pass."
"Bruce, there is no way that anyone is going to come into your room. Besides, Aphrodite says the effects last only 24 hours. And if we use them now, you could make it back to Gotham with plenty of time left for tomorrow's patrol."
"What about tonight?"
"Call Dick; let him work on Valentine's Day for once."
Bruce looked at the arrows she was holding in her hand. "What are those?"
"I think they're a concentrated aphrodisiac."
Bruce snorted. "I doubt we'll need those."
"So you'll do it?"
"I, uh…" For once the Dark Knight couldn't think of something to say. It didn't help matters that Diana was now wrapping her arms around him.
"A little extra help couldn't hurt, Bruce."
That brought Bruce back to his senses. He pulled away slightly from Diana, and the look of arrogance he gave her made her want to punch him. And then kiss him all better. "Diana, do you trust me?"
She warily said, "yes," before he took her hands in his. "I don't need some blue pill to make you happy. Or magical golden arrows for that matter."
"I'll believe it when I see it."
"If you want to find out…"
Diana finished his sentence for him "…what it feels like to be in the arms of someone with the gifts of Aphrodite, I suggest you take one of the arrows."
They had spoken and challenged one another too many times for either of them to back down now. Diana reached for the towel as he took the arrow and lasso in hand.
As Aphrodite looked on the two lovers, she became even prouder of Diana, if that were possible. And then her admiration of her very own wonderful self grew and grew. "24 hours?" The goddess giggled. "They're lucky if they ever leave that room again. And the others will be lucky if they never do."
All's fair in love and war. Right?
Nightwing rubbed his eyes together as he took in the time on the clock. Stupid telephone. He reached for the receiver. "This better be good, Bruce."
In the background Dick heard a very high pitched giggle. Something is not right here.
Still no answer, only more giggling.
"Is that Wonder Woman?"
"I need you to patrol Gotham tonight."
"Aww c'mon, Bruce. I have Bludhaven to look after, and it's Valentine's Day."
"Do you want me to tell Barbara about that time you…"
There were too many ways to finish that sentence, but no matter how it ended, Dick was certain he did not want Bruce to tell Barbara anything. "Fine. When will you be back?"
"Tomorrow morning about 1 o'clock."
"That good, huh?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Sure you don't. And I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but have a good night, Bruce."
Deciding to avenge himself on Batman for his harsh treatment, Dick decided to sleep for another five minutes.
Two minutes later the phone rang again.
Dick angrily reached for the phone.
"Dammit, Bruce, I already said yes."
"Nah, man, it's Wally, and you will not believe what happened tonight!"
At nine o'clock the next morning, Flash zipped into the infirmary, expecting to see Diana and Zatanna. No one was there.
He sped around the Watchtower, trying to find Wonder Woman: her quarters, the Monitor Womb, the Conference Room, the Cafeteria, the Sickbay. She could not be found.
There was only one place he hadn't checked, though he was scared out of his mind to actually go there. Taking his life in his own hands, he knocked on the door to Batman's quarters.
Listening at the door, he could hear movement inside, but no one answered. So he knocked again.
"I know someone is in there."
Still no answer.
"I'm coming in." He was just about to palm the door open, when Batman stuck his head out the door, his mask slightly off kilter. Wally tried looking past Bruce, but Batman kept moving to block Flash's line of sight.
Batman hadn't forgotten any of the events of the night before. And, of course, there were the lead-tipped arrows of hate to take into consideration.
"Why are you here, Flash?"
"Is Diana here?"
The lenses in his cowl narrowed as Bruce answered, "Why are you here, Flash?"
"Diana said that she would call Zatanna for me."
"Why would she do that?"
"Uh, no reason. No reason at all."
Overhearing the conversation and sensing that something unpleasant was about to happen, Diana wrapped herself in the sheet and walked toward the door. Bruce only had his underwear on, and was desperately trying to hide that fact from Wally by wrapping himself with his cape.
She came up behind Bruce, and whispered into his ear, "Get back in the bed, and let me take care of this."
Deciding that he'd rather deal with Diana than Wally, Bruce quickly obeyed.
Diana appeared at the door, and Wally took in her appearance. She had marks all over her neck, and her hair looked like she hadn't brushed it in over a week. And then there was the crazy smile that covered her face.
"Sorry ,Wally. Something came up last night, and I wasn't able to get a hold of Zatanna."
"Well, can you hurry up? Those memories aren't going to erase themselves."
"Wally, can't you get her yourself? I'm kind of busy."
Flash could hear Bruce in the background. He was beginning to growl. "Hurry up, Diana."
Flash's jaw dropped. "I can't believe you slept with that. He sounds like a bear."
Diana just giggled. "You're right. He's an animal."
"Yuck. Too much information, Wondy."
"Diana!" Her Dark Knight beckoning her, Diana herself was becoming impatient for the Flash to speed off.
"Wally, I need to go. Good luck with Zatanna."
He was just about the answer, when the door shut in his face, though not fast enough to prevent him from hearing Batman say, "Now, show me why you're called Wonder Woman. Again." Flash shuddered as he ran away as fast as he could. The memories that needed to be erased were growing by the second. He had to get a hold of Zatanna.
And the only other person that knew Zatanna besides Batman, Wonder Woman, and B'wana Beast was Dick.
He'd know what to do.
To Be Continued?
The idea for this story sprouted from the wikipedia article on Batman. It had a picture of Bruce and Dick sharing the same bed in the section "Homosexual Interpretations." I wanted Dick and Wally to discuss that, so I had to come up with a scenario in which it would be brought up.
Let me know if you think there could be more. And if you have any ideas for crazy and kooky couples, drop a line, and I'll see if I can incorporate them.