A short attempt at trying to get inside Watch's head during Phone Fear, and trying to express, in his own words, the loneliness he must have felt. I suck at first person narrative so it was about practising that just as much. So let me know what you think. Watch is an extremely difficult character to write for, because he was described as intensely private. But I tried. Also, I know it is very short indeed, just under 1000 words, but I didn't believe it could be taken any further at this point, although I'm open to suggestions if anyone thinks I should explore other areas of the book as well.
The flashback is a section of the book at the end of chapter six.
Disclaimer: I don't own Spooksville, or Watch's psyche. I don't even think Pike owned that.
My Phone Fear
I wish they would trust me, although that's not something I have any control over at the moment. I know I have them worried, but it is a necessary evil. I have a role to play, and the success of the mission hangs on my ability to play it well, and well enough to fool those closest to me.
Yet I cannot pretend that it doesn't hurt knowing how easily they believe I have betrayed them.
Especially you, Adam. Even your trust, which I thought would be absolute, is slowly slipping. That is why you came to speak to me that night, isn't it? To prove to yourself that I was lost.
I understand as well as anyone your desire to do good, to be the hero, that you would stop at nothing to see the world safe. Even if that meant protecting it from your best friend. but was it too far a stretch of the imagination that I may have had a plan? I don't believe I've ever given you a reason to doubt me, except maybe the fact that you don't necessarily know me as well as you know the others. But you can't fault me for that. It's just how I am, and you know I've tried to change.
Obviously, not enough.
I sensed your presence the second you entered the room, although I did not stop working. For several seconds you stood, staring at the machine in front of me. When you didn't say anything I decided to get it over with.
"You think I'm making a mistake," I muttered.
"I know you are." Adam replied, and instantly I knew why he was there.
I tightened my grip on the pliers, but my concentration was snapped. I spoke in what I hoped was a diplomatic tone. "Because of what I'm doing or because of how I'm doing it?"
"Both. The means do not justify the end in this case and where you are heading is confusing me."
I finally looked at him. I thought there might have been concern in his eyes, but perhaps it was the distress he had felt since this whole thing began. There was something else in his face too, but I was too tired to try and decipher him. So I simply said, "You know he's watching and listening to us."
"I don't care." God, you are stubborn.
Adam chose to ignore me. He gestured to the objects before me, a certain disgust playing on his features. I know he can't see it without thinking of Olos. "Will you make the one week deadline?"
"And this thing will really work? It will hold Neernitt's consciousness?"
He was getting frustrated trying to get a response from me, one he would not get until this was all over. "Does that scare you? Excite you?"
I sighed, and dropped the pliers. I spoke monotonously. "Neither of those emotions apply here. There is a job to be done and I'm doing it. I'm not worried about anything else at the moment."
"Maybe you should be." Adam mimicked.
I briefly closed my eyes. This was getting too much to bear. "And maybe you should go to bed, Adam."
Adam grabbed my arm and stared at me, his eyes were burning with a desperation to do good, to protect everything he held dear. But there was confusion also, because I appeared to be stopping him from doing those things, and I couldn't tell him why.
"Are you still my friend?" he asked.
Curious how the more logical I appear to them, the more sensitive I seem to get. The question hurt, but I pushed it back. After a couple of seconds, I couldn't bear to look into his eyes anymore. I removed his hand from my arm, and lowered my head. I stared at the table hard, but I couldn't stop my voice softening as I spoke.
"I'm still your friend."
Adam took a step back from me. I didn't look up as he turned and left the room. For several seconds, I didn't move. I allowed my eyes to travel to the green eyes where wires still poured out. My pulse quickened and I swallowed. My throat was dry, and I couldn't remember the last time I had eaten anything.
I glanced in the direction of the door where Adam had left. I knew at that moment that he would not trust me again. Not until this is finished. But I couldn't let it get to me, soon he would know the truth. They all would. I just hoped he didn't try anything stupid in the meantime.
With a quick glance at the video camaras, I went back to work.
Now it's nearly over, and I'm exhausted, but I still can't sleep. If only I was able tell them. But it's just too dangerous. There is so much at stake, and it's all more important than us. I hope they can understand, but the only way I could do this was alone.
I close my eyes and try to relax, although I can't stop worrying about how the next day would go. If I've made a mistake...but I haven't.
Adam has slept in my bed again, but it doesn't matter. I will be gone before he wakes. I have final adjustments to make. Nothing can go wrong.
Tomorrow, this will all be over. By this time tomorrow, they will know the truth, that I never betrayed them, that I care for them, that I will always be on their side. None of what I did will matter. Things will be back to normal, and we can forget all about this.