Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter
A/N: This is something I thought of while studying for an exam ... Sooo, yay for coffee and late-night induced weirdness. Um ... This contains slash, in case you didn't get the title, so if you don't like it, you keep out. RLSB and some JPLE. Rating for language and male hormones running overtime and naughty implications.
And they're at it again.
Ah, so they have to come in right now, don't they, just when I'm all knackered back from Quidditch practice and sitting on the rug in front of the sofa resting against Lily's crossed legs and she's stroking my hair sympathetically. Savouring the relief to be out of earshot AT LAST, thankyouverymuch, of the sweet nothings whispered all through the day during every sodding class, not to mention footsie during Divination (During Divination, I ask you). And that look of deepest disgust on Sirius' face when my leg got in the way. (Accident!) Well now, there they come in, through the portrait hole, looking like they're back from god–knows–what romantic tryst, holding hands, their shirts oddly untucked and eyes all starry, like the only thing in Sirius' world is Remus, and vice versa. Perfect timing, though, you got to hand it to them.
And I don't even know when it all began. It started, what, A Few Days Ago, on That Day That Is Destined To Be Remembered As Possible The Only Event In Hogwarts History To Overshadow The Heretofore Undisputed Glory Of The Incident Of Knox Rookwood Attempting Passionate Sex With The Portrait Of Sir Cadogan Some Years Back? The sudden discovery of their mutual luuuurve, as destiny took a hand in bringing them together in the form of certain mysterious hand–written love notes that they both found, coincidentally, on the same day, that happened, for no particular reason, to also be Valentine's Day (Ho–hum, yet another stroke of genius from the illustrious James Potter), la la la la. Mental snort. Just as if the whole school was quite oblivious to it all. "You remember that time when I had to sit on Sirius' lap on the Hogwarts' Express when there was no room, James? It ... it felt really nice, you know." "Moony, has the nicest hands, don't you think, James?" "You know, I get goosebumps all over when Padfoot sings that song." "Remus, please don't be mad at me, I know I did something terribly bad, but ... I try, you know I try." And I always had to be the bloody mediator.
So Remus is sitting on Sirius' knee now, their faces within a centimetre of each other. Just get on with the snogging, why don't you? But no, they have to begin at the very beginning, of course. With the … foreplay. Cor, this is getting creepy.
Platonic Pals to Sudden Soul-Mates.
And all so bloody fast.
I mean, really, I'm the All For Lovin' sort of bloke. And I'm glad they've realised (at last) that they're completely, utterly, insanely, desperately besotted with each other. Took them long enough. They were lucky I didn't smash their heads together – "Just SNOG, will you?" – I had a good mind to do just that. But hel-loo, Padfoot, what happened to discussing our plan to do that Montague bloke in, eh? And I had a blinder of an idea too, giving him half a tit. But does Mr. Padfoot care? Oh no, Mr. Padfoot is much too busy feeling up Mr. Moony to really care about anything old Prongs thinks anyway. Fine then, have it your way. Peter and I are good enough without you. And Moony, have to say that sod got potential. Never knew he had it in him. Studious little oh–no–I–don't–look–at–girls–and–mentally–rip–off–t heir–bras Moony. I should've known it was Sirius' boxers all along.
All this for the young, immensely thick lovers, and woe to the loyal friend who bore such goodwill to them and who organized extensive surveillance missions with the sole intent of getting the unutterable idiots together, manning his team comprising Lily and Wormy, amidst also .. shall I say, considerable opposition .. who was instrumental in getting them together, which they almost certainly wouldn't have managed on their own. They've abandoned me .. just ... blatant ... gay abandon! Oh, the injustice of it all just grieves me beyond words.
Ok, so they've started – taking it in turns to snog each other. Whoops, Sirius is pouting (oh what happwened itty bitty Padfwoot? Did meanie Moony snog you when it was actually your turn, hmm?) and Merlin's eyeballs, that look on Moony's face – never seen anything like it since he got that enormous box of Honeydukes chocolate for Christmas from his uncle, two years back. Like he wants to eat Sirius' face and lick him within an inch of his life.
And if Remus likes something more than chocolate, he likes it.
It's really amazing that they're together, and no one could be happier than me about the whole thing, and everyone can see that they're happy beyond words, even without them attacking each others' faces at every conceivable opportunity ... but, seriously, at the expense of their best friend?
Me! They've abandoned me, their fellow Marauder, James Sebastian Potter! Their best friend! I ruminate on the tragedy that is life. Such is human nature. Some consolation that I have Wormy with me by my side though, and Lily, oh my lovely Lily–flower, what would I ever do without you?
"James," says Lily suddenly, in a voice that's not intended to be very flowery. "Will you stop staring at Sirius and Remus like that? You're invading their privacy! That's just the sort of thing people like you would do, and exactly the kind of thing normal people hate. H–A–T–E."
"I can spell that, you know," I say in a pained voice. Now even she's turning against me.
"Oh? Then S–T–O–P."
I look around at her in dumb disbelief. Now that's a revelation. Lily Evans, who's spent lunch–break after lunch–break sneaking and peeking and nosing and prying behind library shelves and inside the boys' bathrooms, telling me something like that. But she's spared an explanation. "Oooh," she says, looking at a spot behind my shoulder.
And whoa, it's getting hot in here. Remus is leaning over Sirius and they're snogging quite – ah – heatedly (all turns forgotten). Sirius just can't keep his hands off Remus, and Remus doesn't seem to mind. Oh, he doesn't seem to mind at all. Out come their tongues ... And they're going to fall off the chair! They're falling off the chair! – but no, Sirius shifts and they're back to what they were doing. It's amazing how that normally nicely concealed and unnoticeable little chair in the corner has suddenly become the focus of every eye, every female eye, at least. They're all sitting up, very straight, gripping anything firm in reaching distance, eyes not moving from the two, boyfriends hanging insignificantly at their sides.
There's more abandon for you.
And there's a girl right in front of us ... am I reading that right, or could she really be muttering "Take his clothes of ... Take his clothes off ... " under her breath?
Those two are starting to be a positively unhealthy element in this common room.
Wait, they're getting up ... and they're hurrying towards the dorm, Remus holding Sirius' hand, leading the way, Sirius necking him from behind. Remus is looking a bit embarrassed – at least he realizes what utter idiots they're looking – and Sirius is simply of the opinion that even the five seconds it takes to cross the common room, if not spent making out with Moony, would be a precious five seconds wasted.
Then they disappear behind the door, leaving the girls to drool and imaginations to run wild.
Five minutes later, Lily turns to me. I don't quite like that look in her eyes. Not one bit. "Well?" she demands. "Aren't you go see what they're up to?"
I gawp at her. She can't be serious, can she? "NOT PARTICULARLY, WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT?"
Lily looks at me shrewdly. "What if they're doing things on your bed right now, eh Potter?" she asks. "Things of the touchy-feely, bump and grind variety—"
My eyes widen in horror. "They wouldn't…" I whisper in feeble protest, but Lily knows the battle is on.
"Come on, Pettigrew, come on Potter, you heard me." She clutches our arms authoritatively and steers us right to the staircase and up the winding steps.
"Should we – er – knock?" says Peter nervously.
"Nonsense," says Lily. "They're way too busy to notice."
She opens the door and steps in. Peter and I follow.
I run my eyes down the items of clothing that followed them on their way to the bed.
Well, of course I understand – how my bed is the nearest to the door, and how they couldn't bear the trouble of going those extra few feet to either of their beds, and how they started stripping as soon as the door was closed and everything (there's quite a tell-tale line of clothing all the way to the bed). Oh dear, I can see more of them than I ever, ever wanted to see in my life. And sweet Merlin, they're into it ... more into it that I'd ever thought it was physically possible to be, really. I stand and mull over the injustice of life yet again as my two best friends in the world roll around on my covers, naked as the day they were born.
My nice new bunny–printed covers.
Sirius' mouth is hovering around Remus' navel, and it's wandering, dangerously close to everywhere it shouldn't be. Remus is reaching for something in the pocket of his jeans, and he hands it to Sirius ... and then Sirius sets to work, and I've had just about enough. I turn around sharply, and even Peter says, voice sounding relieved, "Yeah, good idea, let's just leave those two alone yeah?"
"We're going," I say gruffly to Lily. "We're going!" I tell her again, when even that has no effect. She's all pink and wide–eyed and loving every bit of it. In the end I have to actually haul her out of the place.
Nearly five minutes later, when the three of us are back near the fire, me stretched out on the couch, Lily speaks for the first time since we entered the dormitory. "That," she declares, "is the hottest thing I ever saw."
"Whatha–?" I blurt out.
"Oh, you boys will never understand," she murmurs mysteriously, sitting down and resting my head on her lap, a faraway look in her eyes. Then she whispers something that sounds suspiciously like, "And I thought stuff like that happened only in stories ..."
As much as I'd like to question that, I have enough to think about, what with the increasingly graphic, very persistent images that keep floating into my head at inopportune moments. The bathtub, a shower, all sorts of slippery when wet rubbish. Get out, get out, I keep telling them.
It's almost an hour and a half later when Sirius and Remus make their grand reappearance. I see them at the foot of the stairs, they're walking towards us, Sirius loping along, hands in pockets, Remus in step with him.
And no, they're not holding hands, and they're not snogging either.
It's odd, saying it like this, but when I see them, it's almost as if – (at the risk of sounding painfully cheesy) as if there's this Love–Heart drawn around the two of them, and they're inside it, like in a bubble. It's nice and big and pink and fluffy. Sirius and Remus. Remus and Sirius. As if they're just meant to be together. As if they'd been together all along, only they haven't been together, if that makes the slightest amount of sense.
So they're coming towards me and Lily and Peter, smelling of sex and sperm and Old Spice and a bubble bath. I hastily draw out a magazine and pretend to be absorbed in it.
"Hey," says Sirius, and he kicks me on the shin by way of greeting.
"Prongs," says Remus, kneeling down and pulling my magazine away, "we know you're really interested in ah – 'The Most Effective Way To Not Look Like A Raccoon After You Go To Sleep Without Washing Off Your Kohl' – " "I'll have that back," puts in Lily, snatching it away – "but you really don't have to show it."
"Sorry." I scratch my head uncomfortably. There's a weird pause.
"So," says Sirius, then, heartily, taking a seat, "about Montague, I've been thinking, what d'you say to some nice anatomical rearrangements?" He draws up his feet and settles himself down.
I stare at him for a full five seconds. Then my face slowly breaks into a grin. "Yeah," I say, and I nod, "Yeah, I like the sound of that."
About half an hour later, when our plans are all properly researched and dissected and put to vote, and we're just sitting around, not talking much, I sit back and look about me. Remus, after helping us out with a few of the finer points of our prank, had fallen asleep on Sirius' shoulder. Now he's hugging Sirius' arm closer, and gently moaning in his sleep, and Sirius tucks a lock of Remus' hair behind his ear and kisses it really, really tenderly. I can almost see my heart swell ... ah, the innocence of adolescent love. Then there's Peter, who's twitching in his seat and constantly looking around at a certain cute fifth–year girl and blushing every time he turns back around. It's Fay Andrews, Peter's Herbology partner. Now this is going to be fun. And of course, there's my Lily, my lovely Lily, my flower–girl. Sirius and Remus, and me and Lily, and Peter.
I'm sounding insanely corny, I know. It's funny, how each time I see those kids giving each other lovestruck looks, even kids I don't know all that well, moste diabolical plans form in my head on how to get the fools together... Ah, I think, wiping a non-existent tear from my eye, is there anything in the world like luuuurve? It's just the damn way these hormonal teens – you know – sexualize everything, that really drives me up the –
Suddenly, I feel a hand sliding under my shirt and it rides up my back, slowly and sensuously.
I turn around sharply, and it's Lily, and she gives me a discreet smile.
In a flash, I'm on my feet and I pull her up with me.
Time to go.