Akatsuki Insane Asylum
Pein woke up from a beautiful dream, full of kittens, clouds, and Konan… I mean… Death and Destruction, which I'm only saying because I've got a kunai pressed to my neck…
"Just skip this part!"
Fine Pein, fine. So anyway, Pein was having a good day until he got to breakfast. He was nearly turned into "art".
Deidara was apparently trying to turn Tobi into his masterpiece. Sasori was just staring at them, with his weird puppet eyes, and Zetsu was trying to get the remaining pieces of random servants. Hidan was decapitated… again. Kakuzu was counting his money in the corner saying "My precious." Zetsu was now chewing on Hidan's leg. Kisame was crying his fishy little eyes out. Itachi had his Sharingan activated, muttering something like "The weasel will eat the little goldfish." Konan was just sitting there drinking her coffee calmly, and…
"Orochimaru! What the hell are you doing here! And why are you licking that little boy!"
"Shut up, Sasuke."
Pein winced. He had just heard the S-word.
Pein decided that he had to go to the bathroom. Only Zetsu had the sense to follow him.
Zetsu was still chewing on Hidan's leg." So. Do you think they'll be alright?" "Who cares?"
The aftermath was… unpleasant. But Pein remained calm!
"AHHH!!!!!! You people will be the death of me! Maybe if I kill a few of them…"
Now, now Pein. That's not how you solve your problems.
"Shut up! Who exactly are you!"
Zetsu stared. "Leader-sama, who are you talking to?" "And he calls us crazy…"
I'm just an omnipotent disembodied voice. Nothing to worry about.
"Seriously. Are you God or something?"
"Do you think we should take him to an asylum, or something?" "Jail would be better…"
Pein got a stupid idea!
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." Pein strode angrily into the dining room.
"Listen up freaks! You're all going to an asylum, just because you annoy me!"
Couldn't you have made some of their organs explode with your super-secret special eye jutsu?
"Yes I probably could of, but brain matter leaves stains."
Hidan whispered into Zetsu's ear. Why Zetsu? Because Zetsu had been lifting his head to his face. "Who the fing hell is Leader-b talking to?"
"We asked that earlier." "He just kept talking to it." "I think he's hearing voices." Zetsu then proceeded to nibble on Hidan's ear.
"So men! What are your thoughts on my decision?"
Hidan: What the ing hell is he thinking! Apparently Hidan had a censor in his head. Maybe we could take back that buzzer we gave Kakuzu.
Kakuzu: Money. Money. Money. Money. MONEY! One track mind.
Sasori: I wonder what Leader would look like as a puppet? Creepy.
Deidara: Art is a bang! I'm not going to comment.
Itachi: You lack hatred. Sasuke. Hatred. Okay…
Kisame: You can dance if you want to! Leave your friends behind! Because your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, they're no friends of mine! Thanks Kisame! I'd forgotten the words.
Zetsu: Deidara looks like chicken. I'm hungry. Okay then.
Orochimaru: I'm bringing sexy back. Yeah! Those other boys don't know how to act. Yeah! …That was possibly the most disturbing thing I ever heard.
Konan: Do I have to go?
"No Konan, you do not."
Tobi: Tobi is a good boy!
Madara: Let me out!
Tobi: Tobi is a good boy! Yes he is.
"Everybody into the Bus of the Red Dawn of Doom!"
"Why?" Hidan's liver exploded. Hidan's thoughts on this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Everyone into the bus, or I'll let Tobi drive!" They scurried like rabbits.
Pein got behind the wheel. "Because this is a punishment, you know what happens now."
"That's the spirit Tobi!" He put a cassette in the player. Wait… you guys only have tapes?!
"Akatsuki is cheap. Thank Kakuzu for that."
"I was being sarcastic." Anyway, a certain song started playing. Tobi was singing along.
"It's a small world, after all!" Pein was using his conveniently placed earmuffs, so he pulled into a McDonalds. He locked the door as he got out.
"May I take your order, sir?"
"Let's see… do you have mashed potatoes, wood polish, buns that I can put money on, triangle-shaped chicken, 2 orders of sushi, some rats, a Big Mac, a cup of coffee, ketchup, and some human remains?"
I want coffee.
"And another cup of coffee, um… hello?"
The cashier had fainted. After calling the police, of course.
"I should be leaving now, shouldn't I?"
Yes. Pein high-tailed it out of there.
"Where's our food?!"
"My offer that Tobi drives still stands." That shut the little ingrates up.
"Oh yes. I stole some coffee before I left. Here you go Konan."
What about me?
"You can have coffee when you tell me what exactly you are."
Awww, But that's no fun!
"Deal with it."
Do you really want to antagonize the omnipotent disembodied voice?
Err… okay! You are now at the asylum!
"But we were nearly 15 miles away!"
I'm also all-powerful. Now throw the freaks in the funny farm!
"Let's go, Akatsuki!" The only one who didn't follow him was Kakuzu.
"Asylums are expensive!" He followed when Pein put a dollar on a stick.
The lobby smelled like crazy people.
"How do you know what crazy people smell like?"
"Alright! Got it!"
The blond secretary looked up at him. "Can I help you sir?"
"Yes. I've got several psychos to drop off here."
"Put them in the holding pen."
Pein shepherded them into the cage.
Another waiting freak walked over to Deidara. "What are you in for?"
"I'm an artist!"
"Really? So am I!"
"What's your name?"
Pein was talking to another man in the waiting room. "Who did you bring here?"
"An evil organization."
"Same as me! What is your group's name?"
"Organization XIII. We search for Kingdom Hearts. Yours?"
"We're called Akatsuki. We capture innocent people that had horrible childhoods and rip out their souls, along with any demons they have in them. They die in the process."
"I feel lame now. What about their problems?"
"Let's see… a pyromaniac, a doll-obsessed man, a greedy freak, an immortal religious nut, a man who killed his whole clan, a shark-man, a snake-man, a cannibal plant, paper-girl, and a good boy. What have you got?"
"A little boy that carries a giant key, a sadistic psycho, a flower man, a gambling addict, a watery musician, a pyromaniac, a savage, an emo-spy wannabe, a guy with a confusing nickname, a chilly academic, a man who likes to cut things, a pirate surfer, and me."
"Do you have a weird disembodied voice that follows you around?"
"Actually, I do! He says his name is Spidey3000."
"At least yours gives you a name! This guy is starting to annoy me!"
When are you going to give me my coffee?
"Did he just ask you for coffee?"
Of course I did! Hello, Spidey.
Hello, Sensei. Seen Evil Dead yet?
No. It's hard to find.
"Hey! This is our conversation!"
Fine Pein, The doctor called you in, along with Zetsu.
Pein walked over to the cage… holding pen.
"Zetsu! Doctor wants to see you!"
"Okay, Leader-sama." "It may give us a chance to find food."
Chapter 1 End
A/N: After this, each chapter is going to be the psychiatrist meeting the Akatsuki, 4 at a time. In your reviews, vote on which members you want to be interviewed. See you next chapter!