Disclaimer: All characters and other thingies within belong to their respective creators.
Notes: I am a potty mouth, and through extension so is my Kenpachi. Expect more swearing here than a boatload of wounded sailors. Oh, and the views expressed here are purely Kenpachi's; I for one do not think that Hitsugaya is a short-as-fuck Kuchiki.
But I admit I can see where he was coming from.
Zaraki Kenpachi's Report on How Some Captains're Fucking Pansies
Where'm I gonna start?
Kuchiki's a fucking pansy, it's true. I titled my report in honor of him and his pansiness. Hell, I could fill this whole report with reasons about why he's such a fucking pansy, but then I wouldn't have any space left over for how I think Kurotsuchi's a fucking pansy too, and I can't miss writing about that. But I gotta admit the whole reason I'm actually writing this and not giving it to Yachiru for coloring practice like the last dozen reports is cuz I wanna talk about how Kuchiki's a fucking pansy.
Fucker don't like fighting. It ain't my fault I demolished his division's barracks last time we sparred. He was the one doing the dodging. Shoulda taken it like a man.
Fucker can't drink worth a damn. Ukitake holds his booze better than Kuchiki does. It's a damn shame I didn't have a camera on me when me'n Ikkaku caught the bitch dancing the cha-cha on his way out of a bar.
Fucker was gonna kill his little sister and her boyfriend. I gotta admit Ichigo's pretty damn killable, but... I dunno how fucked up y'gotta be to try'n kill your own little sister. I guess it's Kuchiki's deluded way of trying to be badass.
They say he explained it all after the Aizen shit went down. Something to do with keeping promises or some bullshit like that. Fuck if I know, I don't speak Pansyese.
Oh, and he's probably gay. I dunno what the fuck Renji was thinking when he transferred over there, but I pity the bastard. Must suck to be a pansy's butt-monkey.
Come to think of it, Hitsugaya's kinda like a short-as-fuck Kuchiki. Only thing going for him is that he's got a temper where Kuchiki's probably got a stick shoved up his ass so far it's a wonder it ain't poking out his mouth. So he ain't a pansy, at least, but Aizen made him his bitch and frankly speaking that's fucking hilarious, cuz the first and most important rule of being a badass is that y'gotta put your asskicking where your shit-talking is. And yeah, sad to say but he's gay too. Seen his vice captain? Any guy who can look at tits like that every day and not even twitch is one-hundred percent gay.
About Unohana... I dunno. My men're scared as fuck of her for some reason. Me, I never noticed anything when I was at her place. Except the needles. She calls 'em needles. I call 'em spears. Hurt like fuck and she insisted I had to take sixty of 'em just for a goddamn scratch.
But I bet she fucks like a tiger. All the quiet ones do.
Soi Fong's a lesbian. I know this report is sounding kinda perverted by now, but I gotta call 'em like I see 'em. I gotta admit, though, I never figured her for the type who'd take bottom.
Ken-chan iz killing a ninjas yaaaaaaay
Sorry about that. I had to beat the shit out of a ninja I caught spying on me just now. Don't make ninjas like they used to. I thought they were supposed to be stealthy. Fucker was laughing out loud for some reason.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, Komamura. On one hand, the guy has balls to finally take off that helmet. On the other hand, he's a pussy cuz he was wearing a helmet in the first place. And... well... who the hell notices him? I'm serious here. The guy's tall as fuck and a half and he's the fucking invisible man. They shoulda made him the Onmitsukidou commander instead of the lesbian.
Aizen gets an honorable mention here even though he ain't a captain no more, just cuz the fucker managed to fool my badass detecting senses, which're a fuckton better'n my sense of direction. How? He wore dork glasses. No self-respecting badass motherfucker'd ever wear dork glasses. I swear the man has no dignity.
Kyouraku can drink. That's honestly all I can remember of him cuz whenever I go to try'n fight him we end up getting so goddamn smashed I woke up once wearing Yumichika. I don't mean I stole his clothes or fucked him or anything like that. I ain't Kuchiki. I was wearing the goddamn fruitcake. Gods know how.
Ukitake... well, I heard he's strong, but unlike some fuckers I can name, I don't get my jollies from fighting sick people. Blind people, maybe. Sick people? No.
Which brings me to the only captain left, and the only fucker who's almost as pansy as King Pansy Kuchiki. Kurotsuchi.
I don't wanna know why the fucker looks like an angry mime. I don't wanna know how the hell he got schooled so hard by a guy wearing glasses and a cape and a skirt. I don't even wanna know what the hell that green shit he turns into really is.
Just how pathetic do y'haveta be to make a girl cuz ya ain't got a chance in hell at scoring with real ones?
I rest my case.
That's it, right? Dammit, writing this took an hour of my life that I coulda spent on better'n more wholesome things, like beating the everloving shit outta something.
Oh yeah, and old man? I just sent copies of this to Kuchiki, Hitsugaya and Kurotsuchi. Hope y'don't mind. Heh.
Commander Yamamoto's Notes: I shall not count how many "fuck"s were included in this report, nor any other miscellaneous profanities. I shall pointedly ignore the heated sounds of battle coming from the direction of the 11th Division's barracks. I shall also ignore the gigantic ice dragon rising above said barracks, shrouded in poisonous gas and iridescent cherry blossoms, and the fact that it is attempting to kill Captain Zaraki.
But nonetheless I wish it luck.