Title: Tales From The House That Jack Built

Author: Raindrops on Roses

Rating: M
Category: Humor, Alternate Universe
Spoilers: None.

Fandom: Stargate SG-1/Atlantis
Pairing: None.

Word Count: 519

Disclaimer: I own neither SG-1 nor Atlantis. It's very disappointing.

Summary: Sam introduces Vala to the wonders of the Internet.

Author's Notes: These are a bunch of assorted ficlets based on an alternate universe inspired by the CBS sitcom Big Bang Theory. See the LJ community jacklives for more info (you can find the link in my profile).

"Wait--you own a... a vibrator?" a slightly tipsy Sam asked. Vala was a bad, bad influence--she'd never ask that sort of question normally.

She did a lot of things around Vala she wouldn't normally do.

Vala smiled. "Of course! Don't you?"

Sam blinked. "Well, yeah, but I'm me. I wouldn't think you would need..."

"There are times when I can't be arsed to deal with the idiocy of men." Vala laughed. "And they come in quite handy other times, too." She leered. "Pun intended." Sam gulped her wine as she tried to figure out how to change to subject.

Alas, it was not to be.

"Hold on." Vala plunked her glass onto the table, sending wine sloshing over Sam's latest AWIS magazine. "You own a vibrator?"

Sam groaned. "Oh, God..."

Vala bounced gleefully. "What kind? Electric or battery-operated? Did you bring a friend to the store with you? Next time, let me know, I'll go with you; I've been looking for a replacement for my Hitachi since the cord wore out."

"Um." Sam didn't know what to say. This wasn't normal conversation--what was she saying? This was Vala. And thus, she found herself answering slightly invasive questions. At least she wasn't going to end up with a tattoo this time.

She hoped.

"Uh... both. And I didn't go to a store; I ordered them online."

"Them? A collection? Let me see!"


"Come on, Sam! We don't need secrets between friends!"

"Vala, I'm not showing you my vibrators." And there was a sentence she never thought she'd utter.

"Oh, pooh. You're no fun." Vala brightened. "You'll at least show me where you got them, right? I never knew you could get them from the Internet." She paused. "Though that does take some of the fun out of the whole thing."

Sam squirmed. "I... I guess I can e-mail you some sites."

"E-mail? Bah!" Vala waved her hand. "You have a computer. Actually, you have three, but that's beside the point. Show me now." Sam hesitated. "Or I'll drag you out to my favorite store and--"

Sam was at the computer in a flash, pulling up her favorite website. Vala peered over her shoulder, pointing at links for Sam for click.

"How wonderfully corrupting!" Vala beamed. "Now, how do I find the porn?"

"Vala!" Sam turned bright red.

"Oh, come on, Sam! You can't fool me." Vala threw her arm around Sam's shoulder. "I know that underneath that geeky exterior is a wanton little hussy just waiting for her chance to shine."

Sam blinked. "Have you been getting into Liz's romance novels again?"

"I can't help myself. She's just as naughty as you are." Vala sniffed. "I'm so proud. Now, porn."

"Yes, Mistress. Right away, Mistress."

"Ooh, kinky. You wanton little hussy."

Sam couldn't help her smile, even as Vala dragged the keyboard away from her and started typing something into a search engine.

Suddenly, the screen went dark. Actually, everything went dark.

"SAM!" her neighbors' voices screamed.

"That wasn't my fault!" she shouted back.

"This time," Vala snickered. Sam, being the intelligent, mature woman she was, stuck her tongue out at her.

"Sorry!" Radek Zelenka's voice drifted up.

"Oh, for cryin' out loud!"

Sam and Vala looked at each other--well, in the general direction; it was hard to tell in the dark--and laughed.