Disclaimer: We don't own any of the characters in Phoenix Wright, nor do I own any other part of it and there is definitely no profit being made.
Lyrical Rawr:Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour is a combined effort of me and ShivaSan, my lovely co-author. KingMobUK has also done a wonerful job of being our beta.
ShivaSan: You know when you decide to brave a fic you wrote a long time ago and end up cringing at how bad your writing was at the time? This is how we felt when rereading the first couple chapters so we decided to give them a massive overhaul. The plot wasn't touched, obviously, but everything should read a lot better now. Hope you guys enjoy!
Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour
- Chapter 1 -
Not a Pimp, Simply Taken
The stuffy office Miles was sitting in was slowly taking its toll on his patience. Not only had he been waiting for nearly half an hour, but the clashing red and green colours of the walls were starting to give him a migraine. How his fellow prosecutor could stand sitting in such a mismatched office for most of the day completely went over his head.
To add insult to injury, he was currently sitting on a chair that persistently rocked from one side to the other, as if someone had taken the time to remove some height from one of the legs. The sound of each tap on the cheap laminate flooring made him wonder why he was still there.
I thought she said this appointment was urgent…
The door suddenly creaked open and a petite, dark-haired woman appeared in the doorway, seemingly pretty out of breath. She was wearing a pinstriped pencil skirt and a plain white shirt, with her straight, mid-length hair falling neatly onto her shoulders. It would have looked like a normal outfit if it weren't for the weird, green velvet jacket she decided to wear with it. She bustled over to her desk and dropped a pile of documents down onto its surface, before turning around to face the cold glare Miles was giving her.
She snickered nervously, biting her lip. "Looks like I'm a bit late, whoops."
All she received for an answer was a frown.
She laughed again and walked around the desk to take a seat in her swivel chair. "Geez, Miles, lighten up! As much as I love that handsome face of yours, you'll get premature wrinkles."
Miles rolled his eyes. "I've been waiting here for over twenty minutes, Everett," he replied hotly, ignoring the amusement on her face. "Your careless manner and lack of apology show that you don't care that I have an appointment with someone in five minutes."
She waved her hand as if to swat away what Miles had just stated. "You liar! I know for a fact that you have the next hour completely free." She kicked off her shoes and began stuffing random files in her desk drawers. "And how many times do I have to tell you that it's Kath, not Everett." She seemed to pull a disgusted face at the last name reference, though it could have been at an old document with a big coffee ring stain on the front.
Miles sighed as he watched her cram so many files into one drawer that it wouldn't close. "The point is, I could have had an appointment, and your 'extremely important' meeting with me should really have been top priority, considering you've spent the whole week trying to get it."
"You do have a point there," Kath responded, smiling. "I'm sorry for being late, Miles." She pushed back from her desk, still on her chair, and came around to sit directly next to Miles. "Can you forgive me?" she asked in a childish voice, resting her chin on her hand.
Miles nodded in acceptance of the late apology. There was a short silence before he decided to interrupt her staring. "Well…?"
"Ah, right, yes!" She quickly dropped her dozy look, apparently falling out of a daydream.
It suddenly became clear to Miles was this meeting was about. He'd seen that look before and he knew exactly what she was going to ask him.
"Look, Kath." Miles cringed at having to use her first name. "I appreciate this whole effort, but-"
"Please, let me speak," Kath interrupted. "I've been trying to get you to come to my office all week now, and I really do need to discuss something important with you." She started to blush slightly.
Miles went to respond, but quickly decided against it. That blush was a signal to leave as quickly as possible. He calmly got up from his chair and started walking towards the door to escape the nauseating situation that he knew was coming.
"Huh?" Kath quickly got up from her seat. "W-wait, what are you doing?"
Miles shook his head as he exited the room and continued down the corridor towards his own office.
"Miles, wait!" Kath called from behind him. "Hey! Come back!"
Please don't follow me…
He reached the door to his office and felt a grip on his shoulder. He turned around to give Kath a blank look and proceeded to open the door. As he entered his office, he glanced around at his neatly stacked shelves and took in a breath of nice, book-scented air, before walking over to his desk to sit down.
Kath stood at the entrance, mouth hanging slightly open.
"Geez, Miles, all I wanted to do was ask you one little question," she said, before closing the door and walking over to his desk.
Miles ignored her and started stacking folders that had already been sorted. Perhaps she would get the message.
"Come on, Miles," Kath insisted, putting her hand on top of the pile of documents. "Hear me out, at least! You don't even know what I was going to say!"
Yes, I do.
He slammed his hand down on the desk, making her jump. "Everett. I'm really not interested in your questions at this moment in time."
She was the third woman this month who had attempted to 'ask him one little question'. No matter how many times he said no, it only seemed to add to the amount of attention he got from the female masses. Was it so hard to understand that he wasn't interested in relationships? He'd seen enough over the years to know that they never amounted to anything good and were a complete waste of time.
"Listen," Kath said, leaning over the desk with one arm. "Since you're being difficult – and I now see how you got that hard-to-get reputation – I'll cut straight to the chase." She leaned in slightly further, making Miles lean back into his chair. "I like you. Your attitude, your looks… everything! I was wondering…" The same blush from before crept up onto her cheeks. "Do you want to go on a date?"
Miles sighed again.
So much for getting rid of the awkward excuse moment.
He paused for a second, before answering in a flat voice, "Look, I'm flattered, but… I'm really sorry, but I can't. You see, I'm…"
A father to six children? A workaholic? Asexual? Secretly a woman in men's clothing? HIV positive? Gynophobic? Going to die of cancer in six months? About to kill you? On probation? A rapist? A pimp? Moving to the Himalayas and never coming back?
"…taken. Sorry, Everett. I'm already taken."
Kath simply laughed at Miles' answer, before winking and whispering into his ear, "Come on, we both know that's not true."
Miles shook his head and pushed himself up from his seat, before walking around his desk to stand next to her.
This is going to require a lot of good bluffing.
"Everett, I really am taken," Miles insisted. "It's the only reason I can't go on a date with you. I respect you and you're a great person, but I already have someone."
Miles hated lying, but he didn't really have a choice. Every time he told women that he wasn't interested, they either started crying or refused to believe him.
"Miles, you're such a joker!" Kath replied, punching him playfully on the arm.
Maybe those more radical excuses were better options, after all…
"No, I'm being serious," he replied weakly, rubbing his arm in a protective way. He took a step back from Kath and leaned against the bookcase.
She rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips. "Come off it already! I've heard all the gossip; you've never been in a relationship and you aren't planning on being in one either."
If she knows I'm not interested in relationships, then what the hell is she doing here!?
He decided to keep up the act. "I don't know what you mean. We're very happy together and I think it's going to last a very long time."
Or until you decide to leave me alone.
"Miles, just stop it with the whole 'I've got a girlfriend' crap," Kath snapped, walking over to the couch to sit down. "I'd be your perfect option at the moment, seeing as I'm leaving for Italy in exactly a month. I'm sure you could use some fun to yank that stick from up your ass."
Miles blinked, then crossed his arms. "You're lucky I get that enough from my acquaintances that I don't take any offence from it."
"Acquaintances? Don't you mean friends?"
Miles sighed wearily and leaned his head back against the bookcase. "Just… just go, Everett."
"No, Miles," she insisted, her voice suddenly serious. "You see, this is exactly what I'm talking about. You're constantly pushing people away and you're really not helping with the whole Demon Prosecutor reputation you used to have."
Miles gave her a cold glare. "I have all the people I need in my life already."
Kath scoffed. "If you mean yourself, that doesn't count, you know."
Why is the notion of me having a social life so inconceivable?
Images of Wright and Larry, along with a glimpse of Detective Gumshoe, came flooding into his mind. These were soon followed by his sister, and even Maya Fey, whom he'd helped recently for the sake of Wright.
Miles felt a smile form on his lips as he replied in a calm voice, "You're wrong, Everett. I'm not lonely and I haven't been in a long time."
A small knock was suddenly heard at the door. "Edgeworth? Are you there?"
Speak of the devil…
"Yes, come in."
Phoenix entered the room and quickly closed the door behind him. A smirk appeared on his face as he walked over to Miles.
"Hey, honey, I'm home!"
Home? I'm not in my office that much…
Wait… Did he just call me 'honey'!?
Miles' mouth fell open as he realised how Everett could have interpreted what Wright had just said. He desperately tried to form words to explain the situation, but all that came out was, "You… he… wha… nngh!?"
Phoenix rolled his eyes, obviously not registering the fact that there was another person in the room. He crossed his arms and leaned against the bookcase next to Miles.
"Oh, come on, Edgeworth. It wasn't that bad." Phoenix chuckled. "You look like I just called you 'pumpkin' or something."
"Wright! Shut up!" Miles hissed, clenching his fists at his sides. He gave Phoenix a glare and tipped his head towards Kath.
"…Huh?" Phoenix looked at Miles blankly, before turning to look where Miles was indicating.
Kath was still sitting on the couch, staring straight at Phoenix. Her eyes were open so wide, it looked as if they were about to fall out of their sockets.
Oh, please say she knows it was just a joke…
I did refer to my pretend partner as a girlfriend, didn't I?
"Everett, it really isn't what you thi-"
"Oh, hey! Didn't see you there," Phoenix interrupted. He stepped over to where Kath was sitting and held out a hand. "I'm Phoenix Wright, defence attorney. Nice to meet you…?"
Kath stared at him with a dazed expression for a few seconds, before taking his hand and letting out a croaked and quiet, "Kath Everett… prosecutor."
"Nice to meet you, Miss Everett." He smiled at her and dropped her hand, before turning back around to Miles. "Hey, when did you start being social with your colleagues?"
Miles gave Phoenix a piercing look in an attempt to send his desperate thoughts telepathically. Unfortunately, it looked as though that wasn't going to work.
"She was merely asking if I would like to join her for a meal," he explained.
"Oh, I see how it is," Phoenix replied, crossing his arms. "And I thought I was the only one for you!"
Miles looked at him in disgust.
Is he doing this on purpose?
He glanced over at Kath, who still had a shocked expression on her face, then turned back to Phoenix and sighed. "Will you shut up for a second and let me explain the situation?"
"Mr. Wright, Miles really wasn't doing anything of the sort," Kath spoke up, waving her hands defensively.
"Phew, that's a relief," Phoenix said, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand.
"I'm sorry! I really am!" Kath exclaimed. "I should have realised that he doesn't like women. I was the one who came on to him and… and…" Kath got up from her seat and bolted for the door. She wrenched it open and turned to look at Miles. "I-I'll see you around… I'm sorry for hitting on you even though you're already t-taken," she stuttered, before disappearing behind the door.
Phoenix laughed. "I didn't know you weren't interested in women."
"You don't understand what you've just done, do you?" Miles said through his teeth.
Phoenix blinked a few times, then finally seemed to realise what had just happened. "Wait… She thinks that you and I…?" He gestured between Miles and himself and raised an eyebrow. "What the hell have you been telling her!?"
"What have I been telling her!? You're the one who walked in here making gay jokes and now she thinks I'm-"
I hadn't even thought of sexual orientation as an excuse, but if she thinks I'm gay…
I'd be free from her clutches.
But… Wright, of all people…?
Well, he's not bad-looking…
Ugh… what am I saying? Good-looking or not, Wright is my closest friend. I'm not going to jeopardise our friendship because of some woman who decided to hit on me.
And I don't really want her to tell people that I'm gay…
But would it really matter? It's not as if I've ever been interested in women…
But I've never been interested in men, either.
…Does that make me asexual?
No, no, no! Shut up! I can be attracted to people!
I obviously just don't do relationships.
…Or am I in denial?
Damn it! Get a grip! I am not gay, and I'm definitely not going to make her think I am. How did that stupid idea even get into my head in the first place?
Miles rubbed his temples. The headache he could feel coming on reminded him why he'd always avoided thinking about those things.
"Edgeworth? Hey!" Phoenix waved his hand in front of Miles' face.
Miles sighed. "Sorry, I was just…"
"Why was she here, anyways?" Phoenix asked, looking confused.
"Well, to cut a long story short; she hit on me, I told her I was taken, then you came in and made all those jokes, and now she thinks we're together." Miles looked Phoenix in the eye and scowled. "It's entirely your fault. Now, if I tell her she's right, she's going to go and tell everyone, but if I tell her she's wrong, she'll just hit on me again." He leaned his head back against the bookcase. "I'm so fed up with women."
"Oh…" Phoenix said simply.
They stood there in silence for a while. Phoenix was staring out of the window, seemingly lost in thought.
"Edgeworth… I think I have a solution to your problem."
Miles gave Phoenix a sceptical look. "A solution to this mess, just like that?" He scoffed. "Sure you do."
"Hey, you don't believe me?"
Miles shook his head. "It doesn't matter. She'll eventually get disinterested like all the others if I just ignore her for a while and-"
"It's alright, I'll do it."
Miles raised an eyebrow. "You'll do what, now?"
Phoenix smirked. "Pretend to date you, sugar."
Miles cringed. "Wright! Will you stop that!?"
Phoenix laughed. "Okay, okay, but at least think about this. If you pretend you're with me, you can just tell her to keep it a secret and she'll be off your back." He shrugged and sat down on the desk, before adding with a raised finger, "Plus, I make a good boyfriend."
Miles gave him a blank look. "There's no way I'm going through with this," he said, walking over to his desk. He sat down and went to pick up the receiver, only to be stopped by Phoenix's hand.
"Hey, don't turn me down so easily here, my love," Phoenix said in an amused voice.
"Wright, you are pushing your luck. Start taking this mess seriously! I'm this close," he gestured with his hand just how close, "to killing you right now."
"Nah, you wouldn't. Not since I got you out of jail with my amazing skills," Phoenix said cockily, letting go of the phone, before starting to inspect his nails in feigned disinterest.
Miles rolled his eyes and looked away from him, hiding an amused smile.
You're impossible, Wright…
He dialled the number to Everett's office and put the receiver to his ear, ready to tell her that she'd got the wrong idea and that he wasn't really going out with Wright.
But… he was offering to help?
This could make things easier…
Maybe pretending to be gay for a while would be bearable.
Miles shook his head as he dismissed that train of thought. "Hello, Everett, it's Edgeworth. I just wanted to say…"
What did I want to say? That I'm not really gay and I'm simply rejecting her?
"Oh, Miles, I'm really sorry about before. I can't believe how stupid I've been. I should have seen the signs that you don't like women, you know, with your hard-to-get attitude and all."
Miles gritted his teeth. The fact that he wasn't interested in relationships didn't automatically make him gay.
"No, Everett, that's not it. I just wanted to explain…"
He looked over at Phoenix, who was currently inspecting his chessboard. He looked deep in thought over the position of the pieces for some reason.
Miles then realised he was staring, while Everett was rambling away to no one on the other end of the line.
"…And I can't believe all those times you said you were taken and I just took it as a lie. I really thought I was good at seeing through lies as well! Please forgive me!"
Miles closed his eyes. He needed to make a decision.
"You can just tell her to keep it a secret and she'll be off your back. Plus, I make a good boyfriend."
Oh, screw it!
"It's fine, there's really no need to apologise, Everett."
"Right, Kath. I need you to… keep this whole thing quiet. Wright and I have decided to keep our relationship as private as possible so our… err… sexuality… jobs… err… It would be bad if people found out."
Very smooth, Miles.
"Sure! I can do that! Oh, thank you, Miles, for entrusting me with your secret! I hope that weird guy can help you get rid of that stick up your ass… Or maybe you like it there now?" She giggled at her joke.
"Thank you, I really appreciate it. Have a nice day," Miles said, relieved, before hanging up the phone. He leaned back in his chair and let out a breath he didn't realise he'd been holding.
"Um… Edgeworth…" Phoenix said hesitantly. "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, after all…"
Miles sat back up and frowned. "What?"
"I don't…" Phoenix paused. "I don't really want to pretend I'm gay. What if someone finds out? Forget what I said; I won't do it."
Miles leaned forward and slammed his hand down on the desk. "What the hell!? I've just told her that I'm in a bloody relationship with you and now you're saying you want to back out!?"
Phoenix took a few steps backwards, holding his hands out defensively.
"I… err… well…"
"What the hell did you even come here for!? If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have had to pretend to be fucking gay!"
"Listen," Phoenix spoke up. "I've had quite a bit to drink…"
Oh… so now he tells me.
I knew something wasn't right…
"I came over to see if we could… talk. I need to get some things off my chest because I'm so confused and-"
Phoenix blinked. "But… I…"
"Damn it, Wright! Just leave."
"But I really need your help, Edgew-"
"I said. Get. Out." Miles glared at him and pointed to the exit. "I'll sort this mess out with you tomorrow when I'm in a better mood and you're not drunk."
Phoenix sighed resignedly and quickly left the room, leaving Miles to stew over his words and actions.
I can't believe this just happened…
Miles leaned forward and placed his head into his hands. Wright was the worst person he could be pretending to date. They worked on opposite sides of the courtroom – if word ever did get out about their 'relationship', the media would have a field day.
Why had he listened to Wright? Why couldn't he have had a normal reason to turn Everett down? Why were things always so damned difficult for him? He'd never been in a relationship before, let alone had relationship problems, and now he'd gotten caught up in this stupid situation with Wright? God seriously liked messing with his head, that was for sure.
Miles groaned miserably into his hands and had to resist the urge to punch something. It was just like that day when he'd lost in court and poured coffee all over himself from scrunching up a paper cup in anger.
Yet again, thanks to Wright.
But there was that one little thought in the back of his mind – the one thought that stopped him from breaking down right then and there:
At least this means I have the chance to kill that damned drunkard tomorrow.