The following takes place just after Shippuden. Gaara has been taken, and the rescue crew has not yet arrived.
Disclaimer: I own no part of Naruto. There. I admitted it. Are you happy now? Well are you? LOL
BTW …Hidan has been (bleeping) edited to keep my rating. Thank you. And some possible spoilers for the fate of some members of the Akatsuki.
The barrier and rituals needed to remove the One-Tailed from its red-headed host had just been completed. That was the only excuse Zetsu could come up with later as to why the sound went unnoticed for a few moments.
It was Itachi, staring off into space with a puzzled look on his face that first got attention. Then all of them caught the soft whirring sound.
"What the (bleep)?" Hidan asked, his eyes growing wild. "Could this be a precursor to my ascension?"
Sasori chuckled darkly. "You'll have to wait for sainthood, Hidan. I believe that's the tail end of a portal, not the opening of one."
"Well (bleeeeeeeeeeeepity) (bleep) (bleep)!" Hidan readied his weapon, as did Kisame. The others just waited to see what was coming.
It was a girl. From her appearance she looked …odd. The clothes were far different from what any of the Akatsuki members were used to, and although they looked durable enough they weren't made for easy movement.
Dyanna blinked her baby-blues and looked around in confusion, pushing back her cornsilk blond hair. One minute she'd been at the mall shopping, and she'd entered a changing room to try on a new t-shirt when …BAM. She was in a dark cave with some freaky looking dudes. "Oh. Is this cos-play?" She asked, recognizing their dark cloaks.
"I think she's damaged in the mind." Itachi said coolly.
Deidera shook his blond head. "It could be blood restrictions not getting to her brain. See how tight those pants are, un?"
They all nodded, eyeing the long legs of the teenager with varying degrees of appreciation and boredom. Sasori, having given up a certain part of his anatomy years ago, actually yawned.
"Oh! It is cos-play!" Dyanna blinked, trying to focus in. "I feel underdressed in my jeans. Sorry! And you're all dressed and acting like Akatsuki members from the world of Naruto. Your costumes look so realistic too! Wow."
"Definitely mushy in the brain stem, un." Deidera replied, sighing. "Kill her now and let's get on with business, un."
"Oooh! Look. You have a 'Gaara' already over there. He looks real too. Nice set job. I see, this is were you extract Shukaku? Cool beans. Hey! Can I play? I can join the Akatsuki and be sexy Deidera's partner!" The girl crooned, looking over at a certain missing nin.
"Maybe she's not totally clueless, un." The blond gave a small smile to her in return, though he didn't move from his spot.
Sasori growled. "She's delusional if she thinks you're sexy. UN." He said mockingly.
Everyone else nodded in agreement. Zetsu though stopped Kisame as he stepped forward to put the girl out of her misery. "She knew. She knew about the One-Tailed. And she knew the name of the demon vessel. Hold a moment."
"(Bleep), just kill the (bleep) and get on with the (bleeeeep) and the (bleep)." Hidan said, disgust all over his face. "She's wearing a pagan symbol on her (bleeping) and unimpressive chest. (Bleep) her."
Itachi frowned and looked closer at the girl's shirt. "Is that a rabbit?"
"It reads 'you go girl' and 'don't come back'." Kisame squinted. "Was she banished from her village? That would explain the poor clothing that covers nothing and impedes her movements. A banishing jutsu maybe?"
"These are real rocks." The girl was saying as she poked at her surroundings. "Am I really in Naruto's world? Have I been sucked inside somehow?"
"This is not Naruto's world." Kisame growled, still pissed off that the Toad Hermit had kept he and his partner from collecting the Nine-Tail.
Zetsu was thinking it through, weighing his options. "If she knew that much about us. She knows too much. Go ahead. Kill her."
Dyanna's eyes grew large as she heard that. She had a sickening feeling that this wasn't Kansas anymore. Literally. She was from Topeka. "Oh (bleep)." She whispered.
Hidan blinked and grinned. "No. Coming from you, it doesn't have the right (bleeping) impact. You have to say things like (bleep) with more emphasis. But you won't get another (bleeping) chance to try it. Say your (bleeping) prayers to your (bleeping) pagan bunny and prepare your (bleeped) soul for death."
Appalled, Dyanna pointed at her t-shirt. "I don't worship this, it's just a fun shirt."
Sasori shook his head. "You are mentally unbalanced. All symbols worn on the body are to mean something. An indication of allegiance, religion, home village, clan, or jutsu. Otherwise, there is no point."
"Oh! Like the Uchicha symbol with the drip of white coming from the circle?" Dyanna asked even as she backed away nervously. "You know guys, if this is cos-play, it isn't funny anymore."
"It never was, un." Deidera replied, completely bored now as he watched the others circle the girl. "Although I did appreciate the 'sexy' comment, un."
Itachi fell still. "What do you know of the Uchiha?" He said, holding up one hand to stop the advance of the others.
Dyanna, feeling the reprieve, nodded. "See! I can be of use! I have information on everyone since Naruto is my favorite anime!"
"I know almost every word she used, but the way she puts them together makes no sense." Zetsu mused, still trying to figure the strange girl out.
"You! You're Itachi and you killed your entire clan except for your younger brother. Sasuke lives to kill you! And you, you're a puppet!" She said wildly, pointing at the still cloak-covered Sasori. "You're really hot under all that puppet stuff, although you're actually only a puppet yourself. Except for one weak point that lets them kill you."
Sasori blinked. "I die?"
Itachi paused. "Why? Why did I kill my family? Everyone already knows of that incident, knowledge like that is useless."
The girl shrugged. "I don't think your reasons have been revealed yet. You said something about needing to prove your strength, but the consensus on-line is that was only partly true, or an out-and-out lie."
Itachi nodded. "I see. So, she knows what everyone knows and yet does not know what I have not told anyone. Useless. Go ahead and kill her."
Dyanna shook her head and turned to look pleadingly at Sasori. "Soon, you die soon! I can help you avoid that. See, I know a lot, really. I even know when Deidera dies. I almost cried then."
The blond missing-nin looked up at that, his boredom suddenly dissipating. "Do I die gloriously in battle, blowing myself and my enemies up, un?!"
The girl nodded. "See, if I were your partner, I could stop that from happening!" She announced, even though she had no idea how to stop his battle with Sasuke. "I even know how Hidan dies, only he doesn't die, but is trapped."
"(Bleeping) impossible. I am invincible!" Hidan snorted and cut the girl into two pieces. "(Bleeping) (bleeped) (bleepity) liar."
Zetsu sighed as he watched the blood seep into the cavern floor.
The vein at Itachi's temple twitched. "A little fast to destroy her." He mentioned quietly.
Sasori nodded, having wanted to hear more about his 'soon' to be demise.
"She was (bleeping) crazy if she (bleeping) thought I could be defeated." Hidan said, already cleaning the infidel bunny-worshiping pagan's blood off his sacred weapon lest it defile him somehow.
Deidera, though, was smiling ear to ear.
Kisame poked at the explosion-loving blond. "Hey, didn't you hear the prediction? You die. If Hidan hadn't killed her, you could have avoided it."
Deidera nodded happily. "Why would I want to? Gloriously dying in battle with a big BANG, un. I can't believe how lucky I am, un! Oh the absolute beauty of it! Can you not see the art in that kind of death, un? Oh, that's going to be so much fun!"
Sasori groaned and shook his head.
Zetsu sighed. "Never mind. Some of you have places to go. The others stay and help oversee the removal of the One-Tail."
The Akatsuki all nodded and resumed their previous activities, as if the strange girl had never existed.
Sorry if you like Mary Sue's joining the Akatsuki. Unless it's a crack story, though, I can't stand them.
My favorite CRACK stories of the Akatsuki? Glad you asked. Be warned, they are extremely crack and very, very funny.
"Ain't Karma A Btch!" by Mrs. Cake
"Inamorato" by firefly