Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. I do, however, enjoy playing with them. Heh heh heh…
An Old Married Couple
Drizzt Do'Urden and his companion were both covered in sweat. A pile of their clothes and weapons lay nearby. Their grunts and groans filled the small space, interspersed with vicious swearing.
"Gods dammit," Artemis Entreri panted, his muscles quivering. Sweat dripped trickled down the side of his face and dripped onto the floor. "Just push, Do'Urden!"
"I am pushing!" Drizzt snarled back, his own muscles shivering with the effort he was putting forth. His white hair clung to the sides of his face as he strained his entire body. "It won't…go…forward!"
"Of course it'll go forward," Entreri scoffed, taking a moment to rest. "Why wouldn't it?"
"Because it's practically a square peg going through a round hole?" Drizzt offered sarcastically, resting for a moment as well. Entreri snorted.
"Come on," he urged, taking up his position again. Drizzt bit back a moan as he complied. All was silent for several moments while they once more strained their knees and shoulders and backs.
Entreri let out a sudden yelp of surprise. "It moved! It moved! Push, dammit, push!"
"I know, I know! We need to change our positions. You need to lift some more."
"Don't criticize me," Entreri snapped, turning his head to glower at Drizzt. "I am lifting. You need to push. Ready?"
Drizzt let out a small growl. "I'm always ready."
"So you say, but I haven't seen much proof."
"Now who's criticizing?" Drizzt panted, trying to find a position that wouldn't mar his knees.
"On the count of three," Entreri said, ignoring Drizzt, as usual. "One…two…three!"
With strength born of desperation, both men shoved with all their might, Entreri even screaming with the effort. Drizzt joined in a moment later as the block of stone finally moved and slid down the other side of the rubble, allowing cool air to flow into the room.
"Praise the gods," Drizzt groaned, sliding down to sit on the hard stone floor. He carefully moved the torch, slowly flickering down to nothing. Far too soon they would have no light at all. "That took entirely too long."
Entreri grunted his agreement, but remained near the hole they had finally managed to make in the wall of stones, allowing the circulation of air to cool him down. His pants—and Drizzt's—were plastered to their legs with their sweat.
"This is ridiculous," Entreri said after a long pause where both simply caught their breath. "We're the two greatest swordsmen in Faerun. I do not plan on dying in some forgotten dwarf mining hole because of some damned earthquake."
"We wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for you," Drizzt shot back.
"Oh, yeah, blame me," Entreri groused, and slid down the pile of rubble to sit next to Drizzt. "Stupid drow."
"But you're not denying it, now are you?" Drizzt pointed out.
Entreri glared at him, but couldn't really argue. It was his fault, if he were honest with himself.
Again, silence reigned in the room for a while.
"Maybe you should summon your cat," Entreri finally said.
"Why? So she can make this place even more like a sauna?"
"No, so we can eat her. I'm hungry."
"Didn't you, O wise and cunning assassin, pack food when you decided to leave?"
"Might I remind you, O noble and self-sacrificing bloody paladin, that you are the one who forced me to leave said pack behind when you dragged me into this hellhole!"
"Would you rather be crushed?" Drizzt snarled, gesturing toward the pile of rocks they were leaning against.
"At the moment, yes!" Entreri snarled right back. His hand twitched, as if to reach for the weapon that was usually at his waist.
Drizzt's own hand twitched as well as he glared back. For a moment, it looked as though the two would do their damnedest to tear each other apart—with or without their weapons. Then,
"Eeeeeeelf!" bellowed a familiar voice, followed by a far more feminine, "Driiiiiiiiizzt!"
"Finally," Entreri muttered, looking away and standing. Drizzt ignored him as he began donning his clothes, and scrambled up the pile to the hole they had made.
"Here!" he bellowed, all but putting his head through. "We're over here!"
A moment later, the welcome light of a torch flickered in his peripheral vision, followed by the sound of dwarven boots. Not nearly soon enough for Drizzt's taste, Bruenor's fiery red beard came into his view.
"There ye are, ye durned elf! Me and me girl have been looking all over for ye! An' what in the nine hells do ye mean, 'we'?"
"Entreri's in here as well," Drizzt said with a grimace.
"Poor Drizzt," Cattie-brie said, moving forward to stand beside her father and smiling at him. She probably would have climbed up to give him a quick kiss, if not for the unstable-looking slope of rubble. Behind her were more dwarves, who were already peering at the pile and muttering to each other and nodding, figuring out the best way to remove it.
"Poor Drizzt?" echoed Entreri, his voice muffled to the newcomers. "Poor Drizzt? He isn't the one who was stuck with a pansy-assed elf who practically shits flowers and poetry!"
Drizzt rolled his eyes, and his face disappeared from view as he retorted. "Awww, did somebody miss his nap today?"
A snort was his answer. "Look who's talking. You're the child around here."
"A child? Excuse me, but who was it who realized that we could get air by pushing that rock?"
"I wouldn't have needed to know to push that rock if you hadn't followed me!"
"Back to the blaming, are we?"
Bruenor snorted as the dwarves moved to clear the rubble away, but Drizzt and Entreri's bickering could still be heard. "By Moradin's beard," he grumbled, but in a low voice. "They argue like an old married couple."
Cattie-brie winced. "What an awful thought, da."
Bruenor listened to the two swordsmen blaming each other and shuddered. "Ain't it though," he agreed.
A/N Am I cruel? Oh, you betcha…
I just couldn't resist! I have another chapter of Some Bunny ready, but I'm waiting at least a week for permission from denden. (If anyone knows how to contact her other than her LavenderEyes account, I'd appreciate it if you let me know!) In the meantime, I just had to write this, and post it, and sit back eagerly awaiting your reactions. It started out as just a parody-ish thing of slashy fiction, then sorta…grew…I may actually continue this…o.O
By the way, it's two in the morning, so you'll have to forgive any general no-no's of writing.