Author's Comments: This fic is based off of an interesting hentai pic i found, i thought the pic was hilarious so i decided to make a story around it. Hope you enjoy it!
Urahara Kisuke loved his jokes. He loved to break the stifling seriousness of a situation with a well timed prank or a joking comment that was guaranteed to make people laugh. And by people he meant himself. Much to his disappointment his jokes often went over the heads of those around him, but that didn't matter, as long as he got a giggle out of it the whole thing wasn't completely wasted.
His favourite of all japes was of course, practical jokes. The planning, the anticipation of a trap timely sprung, and of course, the frantic curses aimed in his general direction by his unwitting victims.
Kisuke knew all the good practical jokes, such as the classic bucket of spiders perched on a door that was slightly ajar, the daring ten thousand volt electric toilet seat, exploding bubblegum, captured Hollow in the closet, and the infamous combustible shoe liners, which of course, were his own invention, but for all these side splitting pranks and the many victims who had fallen foul of them (although it completely puzzled him as to why they didn't find them as funny as he did) there was one person he had never managed to get.
Sure Kisuke was always winding up Ichigo and poking fun at him, or even taking advantage of his irascible nature to a large degree, and one would think that Ichigo's extremely negligible ability to detect spiritual presences would make him the prime target for a practical joke, but what he lacked in spiritual awareness he made up for in good ol', garden variety paranoia.
Try as he might Urahara Kisuke could never catch Ichigo with his elaborate schemes, and the thought of someone escaping his humorous clutches, especially someone who was so serious, vexed him something rotten, and so, on this day of all days, he had decided he would get Ichigo no matter what.
"Uh… Hello?" Kurosaki Ichigo said as he poked his head through the slightly open door, as if he was afraid to step inside.
"Gooooooood Mooooorniiiiiing!" called a sing-song voice that unmistakably belonged to Urahara. No one other than him could be this cheery so early in the morning.
"Come on in, Kurosaki-kun! Come on in!" Urahara finally appeared from round a shelf, wearing the same clothes as ever, and with the same frightening grin that he always wore, "What brings you here so early?"
"You ASKED me to come here early." Ichigo couldn't help but frown as he stepped reluctantly into the store. Something didn't feel right, although it was the same feeling he always got whenever he came in here.
"So I did! So I did!" Urahara fluttered his fan as he laughed whimsically before motioning for Kurosaki to follow him into the back, "Would you like some tea?"
"No, thank you." Ichigo politely waved away his offer as he followed and sat at the small table while looking around the room. Instantly he noticed a none so subtly placed bucket full of some horrid looking green good behind a plant pot, and a pair of ominous looking goggles on the table that he couldn't help but think would be hazardous to his health if he put them on, and his foot knocked against something that felt oddly like a large spring under the table. What the hell was hat and clogs planning? Ichigo decided to go on the offensive before Urahara had a chance to do anything.
"Why did you ask me here, Urahara-san?"
Urahara poured himself a cup of green tea and looked at Ichigo with a thinner and more devious smile that made Ichigo's skin crawl, the effect almost made him miss something that glinted in the bottom of a second cup which Urahara filled with tea and pushed towards Ichigo despite his refusal.
"I thought you might want to talk about what happened yesterday. You froze during the fight against those Arrancar." Ichigo sighed despite himself as he saw how serious Urahara had become. He needed to talk about it, although he didn't think Urahara would know about it, but who else could possibly know about an inner Hollow? And so they talked as Urahara had planned, after all, it pays to have something legitimate to lure a fly into a web with, and the more they talked about serious things the less Ichigo would suspect… or at least that's what Urahara hoped.
"I'm deeply sorry Kurosaki-san, such things are beyond even my knowledge, but these Vizard maybe able help you more." Urahara smiled consolingly as Ichigo sighed and stretched, and seeing his opportunity he thrust a thin box under Ichigo's nose.
"Would you like a chocolate? Sugar's really good at helping you cheer up." Ichigo flinched backwards at the sudden appearance of the box and eyed it suspiciously.
"Er… thanks…" Urahara smiled widely at his acceptance and opened the box for him, but his smile dropped away as he saw Ichigo's face turn a little green, "I…er… think I'll pass."
"Is something the matter?" he looked into the box himself but couldn't understand what had made Ichigo refuse so suddenly.
"Oh er... Nothing, I just don't, er…. Like dark chocolate! Yeah! That's right! I er… don't like dark chocolate." Ichigo let out a small sigh of relief as Urahara seemed to buy the excuse and put the chocolates to one side. In all truthfulness dark chocolate didn't bother him, but there was something more than just a little off putting about chocolates shaped disturbingly like spiders that moved, and sweets that glow an ominous green.
"Ah well, how about some exercise to take your mind off things?" Urahara stood up and regained his grin, "Abarai-kun has kindly offered to train with you!"
Renji chose that moment to appear from round the edge of another door with an annoyed look on his face.
"I did offer, you told me that if I didn't you'd double my ch- OOF!" his sentence was interrupted by a timely jab to the solar plexus with Urahara's cane.
"Now's not the time for talking, Abarai-kun! You both need the training, now go on! Go on! Down into the training room!" Renji grumbled as he stood up, giving Urahara the evil eye and Ichigo motioned for him to go first, and he could have sworn he saw Urahara's face shift briefly into an expression of panic out of the corner of his eye, but he paid it no attention as Urahara jabbed him in the forehead knocking his soul out of his body.
"Dammit! WARN me before you do that!!" Ichigo shouted as he nearly fell down the trap door leading to the training room, but just as he recovered he nearly fell again at the sound of a scream and a hard impact from far below.
Both Ichigo and Urahara looked down the hole to see Renji lying on his back in an awkward position, looking decisively worse for wear.
"What happened to you?" called down Ichigo.
"I slipped off the ladder…" groaned Renji.
"What did you do that for?" Renji bolted up right and growled at Ichigo's reply.
"I DIDN'T DO IT ON PURPOSE, RETARD!" he stood up painfully and waved his zanpakuto angrily at Urahara who was laughing nervously, "And you, Hat-n-clogs! You should clean your store more often! That ladders greasy as hell!"
Ichigo eyed Urahara suspiciously but he refused to meet Ichigo's eye and instead he called down to Renji cheerfully.
"I believe that's your duty, Abarai-kun!" both Ichigo and Urahara quickly moved back as Renji's reply came in the form of his zanpakuto flying upwards and imbedding itself in the ceiling above where their heads had been.
"Well, it looks like Renji's all worked up and ready to train! You best go down and help him work out that frustration!" Ichigo pulled Renji's sword from the ceiling and stowed it in his sash.
"Take care of my body while I'm down there… and don't do anything weird with it." Urahara laughed nervously again in a pathetic attempt to cover up his guilt.
"Why what ever do you mean, Kurosaki-kun?" Ichigo didn't answer, instead he simply covered his hands with his sleeves and slowly began to climb down the ladder as not to fall victim to the grease.
Urahara watched him go with a grin and waved with his fan whenever Ichigo looked up until he was right at the bottom.
Kisuke bolted upright, the grin still glowing on his face as he turned and looked at Ichigo's limp body that lay in a pile on the floor.
"Time to go to work-"
"Um…" Urahara glances over his shoulder at the sound of a voice coming from the trap door.
"Urahara-san, I need you to get me out of my gig-" before he could finish his sentence Urahara looked back to Ichigo's body and dismissively thrust out his cane behind him, hitting Renji in the forehead with a zap sound, and a moment later the sound of Renji's soul hitting the ground below, closely followed by his body, and a long stream of loud curses floated up from below, but Urahara didn't pay attention to promises of pain and simply grinned at Ichigo's docile body.
"Ururu! Could you get something for me?" he called out with glee.
"What do you want me to get, Kisuke-sama?" said the sheepish girl as she ran into the room.
"Get me… my chemistry set!"
"Its finished!" Urahara Kisuke chirped happily in a sing-song tone as he held up a test tube three quarters full with a plain white powder.
"Um… what's finished?" Jinta, clearly unimpressed with the product of Urahara's experimentation with chemicals for two hours.
"Why my amazing 'Spirit Reactive Itching Powder' of course!" Urahara smiled widely only to receive blank looks from Ururu, Jinta and Tessai.
"… Why would you make something like that?" Jinta said after a few moments of awkward silence, but Urahara's optimism seemed unphased by such a lack of understanding or interest.
"To get Kurosaki-kun with, of course! I've been trying to get him with my pranks for quite some time now, but he's just too alert to my attempts!" at this Jinta snorted and murmured to himself.
"More likely you're just crap at being subtle." Tessai gave him one of his trade mark evil glares and Jinta flinched and fell silent.
"With this powder I'll finally be able to break that serious demeanour of his and make him laugh!"
"Or make him hate you even more- OUCH!" A slap to the back of his head served to silence Jinta this time.
"Kisuke-sama…" Ururu said meekly, drawing Urahara's attention towards her with his usual comforting smile.
"Um… why make special powder? Why not just use normal itching powder?"
"Well I'm not sure how long Abarai-kun can keep Ichigo preoccupied, so if I use normal itching powder there's a risk it's effects would run out before he got back into his body, but with this the effects will only kick in a short time after a soul passes into his body!"
Jinta opened his mouth to comment again but Tessai stopped him by sitting on top of him.
Urahara hummed happily to himself for a moment or two while admiring his handy work while Jinta and Ururu manoeuvred Ichigo's body into a sitting position, and began to take his shirt off.
"What the hell are you doing?" Urahara jumped as the voice broke past his self admiration and he quickly threw the test tube into the large rack filled with other tubes before spinning around on his seat to face the trap door, and hopefully block the chemistry set from view.
"K-Kurosaki-san!" Urahara squeaked in surprise as Ichigo peered over the edge of the open trap door and stared at his body being man handled.
"Why are you taking my shirt off?" he suddenly looked to Urahara and his eyes went a bit wider, "You're not trying to molest me are you? I didn't think you went that way but now I think about it you do seem a bit fruity-"
"No no no no no!" Urahara chimed in quickly while trying to laugh it off, "It's nothing like that! I er… I just thought your clothes were a bit dirty, so I was getting Jinta and Ururu to undress you so I could wash them."
Ichigo was suspicious, but he decided to let the subject lie, "Oh… ok." Urahara seemed to sigh in relief at his acceptance, but he covered it up with a smile when Ichigo eyed him distrustfully.
"Well you don't need to bother, I'm coming up in a sec, we've finished training, I'm just going to help Renji get back into his battered gigas then I'm gonna go."
"Oh of course! We'll dress your body again while you're down there!" Ichigo was reluctant to leave his body in Urahara's hands for a second longer, but much to the shop keeper's relief he eventually went back down the ladder.
Urahara quickly turned back to the test tube, realising he only had a minute or so to execute his prank, but as he looked back at the table he suddenly realised that he'd put the test tube into the rack with thirty or so other test tubes, quite a few of which were filled with varying levels of white powder.
"Hmmm… I should really start adding colouring to some of these…" frantically Urahara began to search through the test tubes, and eventually the decision boiled down to two of them. He looked between the two repeatedly until he heard the sound of footsteps on the ladder, unlike last time, and he sniffed each tube, hoping to gain something from them.
"I think it's this one!" he said, throwing the other back into the rack and clambering over to Ichigo's half disrobed body.
"What's all that noise up there?" Ichigo called up the ladder after hearing the scuffle Urahara was having getting over to his body, "I better be dressed again when I get up there!"
Kisuke quickly poured some of the test tube onto his Ichigo's chest and he watched as the powder hit his skin and disappeared, then after a moment he decided 'what the heck!' and poured the rest of it on for good measure.
Urahara heard Ichigo's hand touch the floor mat and he hastily tried to wrestle his shirt back into place, but as he did he fell over onto it in a heap. Before he could straighten up he noticed a shadow fall across him.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, you pervert?"
"Dressing you?" Urahara said weakly under the burning gaze of Ichigo.
"I'm going…" grumbled Ichigo as he rotated his shoulders and straightened his shirt, while Urahara nursed the throbbing red footprint on his forehead.
"Thank you! Come again any time, Kurosaki-san!" he looked up as Ichigo side stepped through the slightly open door that led into the shop proper and he cursed inwardly. By not opening the door more Ichigo had not knocked the bucket of goo onto himself that Kisuke had set up on top of the door as a contingency.
Once Ichigo was far enough away from the store Urahara, Jinta, Ururu and Tessai shot to the door and all looked through the gap to watch Ichigo walk down the street.
"Any second now…" Urahara said in anticipation while Ichigo walked away, looking distinctly non-itchy.
"Any second…" he was getting further away, and still no itching.
"Any time now…" Urahara stared through a pair of binoculars which he had produced from god knows where and watched the unperturbed Ichigo disappear round the corner.
"Hmmm… I don't understand! He should have been itching like crazy by now."
Urahara went back into the back room and sat down with a sigh.
"I've failed again! Why can I never get him with my pranks?" Kisuke latched onto a surprised and battered looking Renji who had finally dragged himself out of the training room, and began to wail as he held on to the red head.
"W-what the hell are you doing, you freaky old man?" Renji managed to pry Urahara off him and sat down at the table.
"Ah well! I'll just have to be even MORE cunning!" Renji couldn't help but wince at how quickly Urahara had regained his usual optimism and sighed.
"No one would ever fall for your stupid pranks, they're too obvious!" as he said that Renji noticed the chocolates left open on the table, "Oooo! Chocolates! Can I?" before anyone could give him permission he began to stuff his face with them.
"Hey, what do these do?" Renji picked up the odd looking goggles from the table and places them over his eyes, "OUCH! What the hell?? These sweets are burning my mouth! It feels like there's flaming spiders in there!" quickly he reached over and crabbed the cup of cold tea that Urahara had poured for Ichigo some hours before and downed it in one, only to emit another yell as Urahara watched curiously.
"A RASHOR BADE?! (A razor blade?!) WHO DA HEH PUHS A RASHOR BADE IN HEA?! (Who the hell puts a razor blade in tea?!)" At that very moment the goggles over his eyes began to emit a disturbing whine that grew in pitch, but before he knew what was going on, the goggles flashed like a sun going super nova and made Renji scream again.
"I'M BHIND!" spasming in pain he kicked out, one leg landed on the table and one hit the spring under it, making the whole surface slam upwards and catapult him through the air, and through the ajar door, making the bucket fall down and cover him in horrific green goo.
"WHAH DA HEH IS DIS SHUFF?! IH'S 'URNING MAH CLOVES!" soon the chemicals that had been on the table followed him and the test tubes shattered on impact, and another scream issued forth from the brutalised red head as the chemicals combusted the green goo.
"Well… at least we know those work!" said Urahara with a smile while Ururu and Jinta hurriedly fetched a fire extinguisher.
Ichigo grumbled constantly on his way home, his body just hadn't felt right since he left Urahara's shop. Each limb felt like it was made of wood.
"What the hell did that perverted old man do to me?" the site of Urahara leaning over his half naked body had made his skin crawl, and try as he might he couldn't help but think of what he might have done.
"I hope he doesn't think I swing that way…"
By the time Ichigo got home he felt more tired than he had ever been in his life, and something told him that it wasn't because of the training he had done with Renji, something else was affecting him and sapping his strength.
When he got through the front door his arms and legs felt like lumps of lead, and his head swam with the effort of standing up. His sisters greeted him at the door, but for some reason he couldn't make sense of what they said.
"Going… bed…" was all he managed to force himself to say as he shakily caught hold of the banister and tried to drag himself upstairs. If only he could get into bed he felt that everything would be ok, all he needed was sleep, but he couldn't do it, his body was too heavy for his muscles to lift and the stairs came rushing up to meet him, but before he could hit them he felt hands grab him and lift him. It must have been his dad, but darkness took his vision before he could turn to look at him, and unconsciousness soon followed.
"N-NO MORE GIRAFFES!" shouted Ichigo as he woke with a start and flailed around. He rubbed his head after a moment and yawned while trying to shake off the grogginess of sleep. He looked around at his alarm clock and saw it was 7am, and two days had passed since he had been to Urahara's shop.
"Oh man, what the hell was I dreaming about?" Ichigo winced and rubbed his throat, his voice sounded weird and his throat hurt, and for some reason his Adam's apple seemed to have lessened considerably, maybe he was ill? That'd explain why he'd collapsed on the stairs and why he felt so groggy.
"What the hell did that old pervert do to me?" he threw back the sheets and swung his legs out of bed, but as he stood up quickly his head swam and he lost his balance, making him fall back onto his bed with a resigned sigh. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, but it was hard to breathe, like his chest was heavy. If Urahara had made him ill and prevented him from training he'd kill him.
He stood again, but slowly this time and shuffled lethargically out of his bedroom and down the hall to the bathroom, trying to shake the light floaty feeling in his limbs as he went.
As he locked the door and turned to towards the toilet he jumped back with a start as he saw a figure in front of him, and then jumped again as he realised what he was looking at.
"TATSUKI?!" he exclaimed in a voice that was embarrassingly high pitched for a guy, "Why the hell are you in my house? And why are you half naked-" Ichigo stopped mid sentence and rubbed his eyes before looking again. No, it couldn't be Tatsuki, sure the breasts looked around about the same size, but she was shorter and despite being similarly spiky her hair… wasn't… orange…
Ichigo's heart began to beat faster in his chest as realisation dawned on him.
It wasn't someone else stood in front of him, it was a mirror.
A tremendous high pitched scream erupted from the Kurosaki house hold that morning, making dogs bark for blocks around, and birds scatter from trees, and following the scream where the words:
"WHAT THE HELL DID THAT PERVERTED OLD MAN DO TO ME?!"