Disclaimer: As always I own nothing but the original characters and the situations I put them all in. Everything else belongs to somebody else and that's just the way it's going to stay for a long while. Thanks to all my loyal readers out there, I hope you enjoy this little fic muahaha.
"This is the last time we let her talk us into one of her little parties." Nanao Ise muttered under her breath, her annoyance plain as she shifted a very drunk, very unconscious Yachiru Kusajishi against her shoulder. Carrying her fellow lieutenant to Captain Zaraki had not been the way she'd intended to spend her evening off. All she'd wanted was a quiet night out but no, her fellow lieutenants had deep sixed that idea. Than Matsumoto had challenged a guy at the bar to a drinking contest and it had all spiral out of control from there.
"I can take her if you'd like." Momo Hinamori offered shyly, having only had juice while the older women had helped themselves to more alcoholic beverages at the restaurant they'd just vacated. "I really don't mind."
Shaking her head Nanao wasn't about to turn Yachiru over to Hinamori, just because it was annoying to have to carry the little chomper. "I have her, thank you."
"Well, we'll certainly never volunteer to try someone's homemade whiskey again, at least without testing the alcohol level first." Smirking Rangiku Matsumoto slugged a friendly arm over Nemu Kurotsuchi's shoulder. "Of course Nemu here totally out drank those guys. I mean, man, you just downed that stuff without even really pausing to take a breath. It was friggin awesome."
"I was simply created to absorb harmful substances easier than the average person. I cannot get drunk, as I tried to explain to the man that issued the challenge." Unused to being shown affection Nemu Kurotsuchi didn't quite know what to make of Matsumoto san's exuberant behavior, especially when it was directed at herself.
"Must be nice." Doing some muttering of her own Rukia Kuchiki was only one of the five women who wasn't a lieutenant and who thankfully wasn't more than a little tipsy. Of course Ise hadn't drank enough to even become a little tipsy and Kurotsuichi couldn't get drunk but still, this was not what she'd expected when she'd agreed to run to the restaurant to deliver a message to Lieutenant Matsumoto for Renji.
"Yeah, it would be so nice not to have hangovers." Matsumoto agreed with a grin, before pointing to a set of steps. "We should sit there. They'll come through this way before they leave." There had been some sort of important, top secret captains meeting tonight and the idea was to camp out here until the 11th Division captain came past so that they could hand Yachiru over to him. Part of the reason for the impromptu party had been to celebrate her move to a new place, and none of them knew where it was.
Taking a seat on one of the bottom steps Nanao looked at her watch, estimating the wait time. The meeting was due to finish in about twenty minutes, she could only hope they were done on time for once or she would seriously consider leaving the pink haired trouble maker on the steps. How could Yachiru not have realized that there was no way she could beat Nemu san at a drinking contest? "You can all head, I have no problem waiting alone with her." Well she did, but there was no reason for them all to sit around, bored out of their minds.
"Naw, I've got nothing better to do anyway." Taking a seat on the steps too Matsumoto was pleased when everyone chose to take a seat as well. "Anyway, this gives me a perfect opportunity to get you guys' take on something I've been thinking about recently."
Rolling her eyes behind her glasses Nanao didn't even have to think about what the topic could be. "This is going to be about men, isn't it?"
"Well yeah but certain men in particular. I'm working on this theory that the more their spiritual powers develop, the lower their sex drive gets. I think that's maybe why all our captains have a serious lacking in the sex department."
Stopping dead in their tracks five division captains and acting captain Hisagi swallowed the greetings they'd intended to extend in the direction of the five females who were camped out on the nearby steps. Instinctive taking a step back into the shadows Captains Zaraki, Kyoraku, Ukitake, Hitsugaya and Kuchiki all went stock still, Matsumoto's words freezing them in place.
"Huh?" Blinking in surprise Rukia opened and closed her mouth several times before she blurted out what the other three conscious three women were thinking. "Why the hell would you say that?"
Shrugging Matsumoto wasn't the least put off by the looks she was getting from the other three. "Well think about it. None of the captains or vice captains are involved with anyone sexually. When was the last time you heard of any of the men of either ranking even dating someone?"
"My captain goes through women quicker than you go through jell-o shooters."
"Yeah but do any of them stick around?" Matsumoto countered, having indeed given this a lot of thought. "When has Captain Kyoraku ever had a relationship that lasted a week? I didn't say they weren't capable of getting dates, just that their sex drives are so bad they either can't get any or worse, don't even have enough to try and get some."
Rukia's defense of her older brother was immediate. "My brother was married!"
"True, but she passed away and have you seen him with another woman since? I mean, even if she was the love of his considerably long life, you'd think he'd still need a booty call once in a while."
"There is certainly evidence to support your theory." Nemu agreed, shocking the others even more than Matsumoto's original statement. "She is correct in her assertion that the men who achieve high ranks within the divisions tend to be without sexual partners or simply limit themselves to brief encounters that go no where. I hadn't thought about it until she brought it up but I would put forth the suggestion that in order to properly form a thesis we must first look at each man individually and compare."
Intrigued despite herself Nanao nodded. "I suppose you have a point. Well the first division captain and vice captain are all pretty old and I've never seen either of them with female company."
Snickering Matsumoto had to smirk. "They're probably too old to get it up anyway."
Now there was snickering all around, except of course for Nemu who didn't understand the comment, much less the humor of it. "Well after that is Lieutenant: Marechiyo Omaeda of the second division."
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Was the general consensus from the rest of the female population, even Nanao who was usually too polite to express herself in such a juvenile way.
"Lets skip him. Talking about him and sex in the same sentence is just too wrong on too many levels." Grimacing Nanao quickly moved on to the next captain, who was little better than Omaeda but for different reasons. "Are we counting Former Captain Ichimaru as well as Kira san for the third division?" Looking over in Matsumoto's direction Nanao caught the wince the other vice captain quickly hid at the mentioning of her ex lover.
"I'm sure Kira's just fine in that area." Blushing brightly Hinamori stuck up for her friend, very embarrassed over the whole conversation. She couldn't believe they were even talking about this. What if anyone overheard them? She'd just die of embarrassment.
"But he doesn't date either, at least not someone important enough to introduce to either of us." Matsumoto pointed out with a knowing look on her beautiful face. "And as for Gin...well he was screwed up, no question, but he was amazing in the sack. Then again, maybe he came to the same conclusion I did about the captain's curse and got out while he could still get it up."
All the men wincing at the amusement that little comment caused the men wouldn't have moved if their robes were on fire. Well maybe Hitsugaya would, but he was young yet and probably didn't care to hear how he measured up. Unfortunately, the other men couldn't say the same, even Captain Kuchiki.
"I can't believe she said that." Captain Hitsugaya Toshiro muttered, embarrassed over his vice captain's crass comment. Not that he was surprised, Matsumoto didn't exactly have anything resembling modesty that he could tell.
"Poor Kira." Vice Captain Shuhei Hisagi muttered, feeling sorry for his friend as Hinamori once again tried to defend their mutual friend while the other girls pointed out every failed relationship the guy had ever had that they knew about. The list was short but painful.
"And now it's Aizen's turn." Captain Byakuya Kuchiki pointed out, already bracing to have to go over and separate Hinamori from whoever was the first to throw a stone in her former captain's direction. This was not going to be pretty.
"Well next is Captain Aizen if we're counting past captains as well." Unaware that Nanao and Matsumoto had both been teasing Hinamori about Kira to avoid bringing up the traitor Aizen Nemu brought up the dreaded name without a blink. "If one was going with Lieutenant Matsumoto's theory one could argue he left for the same reason that Captain Ichimaru though that would be unlikely as he has clearly shown that his motives were otherwise. He also showed a lack of carnal interest in Lieutenant Hinamori, who was obviously interested him in a romantic sense. To have not taken advantage of that would suggest a lack of desire for sex on his part as men don't tend to be that picky when it comes to available sexual partners." Watching Hinamori go the approximate shade of a tomato Nemu sent the girl a curious look. "Are you all right, Lieutenant Hinamori? Did I say something wrong?"
Since Hinamori obviously wasn't capable of replying since she was dying of embarrassment Nanao took the question instead. "She's just a little embarrassed over your..frankness."
"Oh." She didn't understand what she'd said that was inappropriate but Nemu figured an apology was probably in order. "I apologize for embarrassing you, Lieutenant."
"On to Captain Kuchiki and Renji then." Eager to change the subject since talking about Aizen meant thinking about Gin Matsumoto decided a change in captain was necessary. "And before you tell me neither of them have a problem in that area, Rukia, I have to point out that you've never slept with either of them so you wouldn't know for sure AND that being married doesn't make you good in bed. There are billions of housewives who will testify to that fact."
Opening and closing her mouth Rukia couldn't come up with any proof, which worried her more than she wanted to let on. "Well maybe Big Brother is just honoring my sister's memory, or doesn't want to upset me by letting me think some other woman might be taking my sister's place." Yeah, that sounded good. "And Renji..we'll we're like best friends. Of course he isn't going to tell me about the women he's been with..but I'm sure there's plenty."
"But given your brother's sexy good looks and angsty aura you'd figure the girls would be crawling all over him." Shaking her head Matsumoto just wasn't buying Rukia's argument. "He's rich, gorgeous and titled, no way he wouldn't be getting laid if there wasn't a good reason not to."
"She does have a point." Nanao agreed, the idea of a man giving up sex for loss of his wife just too romantic to be real. Guys just didn't do that. "Captain Kuchiki is a very appealing man. Why isn't he remarried or at least seeing someone?"
"You're interested in my brother?" Blinking in surprise Rukia gave the eight division vice captain a considering look. Could she maybe set the two up, Rukia wondered, seeing a way to prove her brother's masculinity within her grasp. And hey, her brother could do a lot worse than Lieutenant Ise.
Feeling eyes drilling into him Captain Kuchiki wasn't surprised to look over and see Kyoraku glaring daggers in his direction. It was no secret that the eighth division captain was desperately in love with his studious vice captain, or that said vice captain had turned down every overturn Kyoraku had ever made in her direction. Amused, Kuchiki turned his attention back to the women, where his sister was trying heroically not to do some blushing of her own. Lieutenant Ise..hmmm. No, but it would be vastly amusing to let Captain Kyoraku think he might be.
"Touch her and you're dead, pretty boy."
Raising an eyebrow Captain Kuchiki wasn't overly worried. "I'll keep that in mind."
"Uhm...Captain Komamura and Lieutenant Iba are next." Hinamori pointed out shyly, since the argument about Captain Kuchiki was really going nowhere. Besides, she didn't like the way they were talking about him, like he was only good looks and money. He'd always been nice to her, even when others had regarded her with suspicion due to her connection with Captain Aizen. He deserved better than to be talked about this way.
"Uhmmm...I don't really know either of them well."
"Me neither." Matsumoto agreed, echoing Rukia's statement. "Well the one has the head of a fox...finding a woman similarly endowed has got to be like finding a needle in a haystack. Plus, Iba is a former member of the 11th division. Those guys would rather fight than do ANYTHING else. I bet they don't even have sex, they just fight or think about fighting twenty four seven."
"They do seem to be unusually focused with battle. Perhaps they're like early Roman and Greek civilizations? Choosing their sexual partners from their fellow comrades since they were largely away from home and available women? While there are women available there are few in the 11th division and they tend to only associate with each other."
Silence followed Nemu's suggestion.
"Well that one guy, Yumichika Ayasegawa..." Rukia began, blushing at the thought. "On second thought, lets just not go there. Lets just move on, since we've established none of us know the seventh division men well enough to pass any sort of judgment."
"Then I guess we're up to my captain." Adjusting her glasses Nanao tried to think objectively. "Well he certainly likes women, he chases after them every chance he gets. I also understand he had quite the reputation when he was in the academy. Of course that was centuries ago, it's possibly that the captain's curse as Matsumoto called it has hit him and that I am simply unaware of it since I never associate with any of the women he brings around in his pathetic attempts to make me jealous."
"Maybe he's all talk?" Rukia suggested, thinking of many of the young men she'd met at Ichigo's school while she'd attended. "From what I've seen, men feel the need to brag about their women even when there's really nothing to brag about. Actually, I'd be more suspicious about a man that needs to brag than one who keeps his past relationships to himself."
"That is true...hmmm...I guess we'd have to ask some of his formers to find out." Not that she intended to ask any of her captain's bimbos any such thing. "Well, at least we should give him points for trying to have a sex life...that's more than most of the others on the list."
Everyone agreeing on that point they moved on to the ninth division.
Patting his best friend sympathetically on the shoulder Captain Jushiro Ukitake knew better than to offer Shunsui sympathy, especially since there really wasn't anything he could say that would have Kyoraku feeling any better about what had just been said about him.
"At least they didn't speculate that you were gay." Captain Hitsugaya offered lamely, since he left he should say something. This had all been Matsumoto's idea in the first place.
"Ah man." Tuning out what was being said about himself and his former captain Hisagi figured he was better off not knowing what they thought about his sex drive, which was fine god damn it. Wasn't it? All this evidence was starting to worry him. Just how long had it been? "Those of you who have yet to be judged..run, don't walk." This was just too much for any male ego to take.
"Well my captain's next but I don't think he can really count since he's so young. Actually, that's why I wanted your opinions. I don't want him to end up like the other guys. He's going to grow up to be a total hottie and since I'm never going to have kids it's up to him to provide me with godchildren to spoil."
Since defending Aizen, Kira, Renji and Hisagi had gotten her nowhere Hinamori was glad she didn't have to try and defend Toshiro as well. This was all just too mortifying for her, especially when the men they were talking about were ones she cared about. She was just too embarrassed to think about them in a sexual way. Especially Toshiro. "I'm sure he'll be fine, he gets along really well with women."
"He does." Nanao agreed with a nod. "He treats us like equals and never takes advantage of his rank the way some do. If any of the men stand a chance of getting married it's Captain Hitsugaya."
All the women nodding it was generally agreed upon that for the moment no judgment would be passed on the well liked young captain who was shorter than all of them with the exception of the still unconscious 11th division vice captain.
"Well...I guess that brings us to Captain Zaraki..."
Understanding completely Matsumoto gave Nanao a knowing look. "Now there's a hard man to figure out. Though I gotta say, if he were to put as much effort into sex as he does fighting, the women would be lining up on the streets for a taste of that, weird hair and all."
"No kidding. You could pretty much say the same for all the men in the 11th division." Nanao said with a small smirk. "But I don't know, I'd say sex isn't even on that man's radar. He gets off beating the hell out of people, not rolling around naked with them. I'm not even sure he realizes there are two genders in this world."
"He is very intimidating." Nemu added thoughtfully. "I would imagine it would take a very like minded woman or man to interest him, one who would challenge him on and off the killing fields."
"Like that's going to happen." Was Rukia's muttered opinion.
"Miracles do happen." Nanao pointed out, even though she understood that the chances were very slim. "Anyway, he can put up with Yachiru chan for long periods of time, that says something about his patience and temperament. He might be..on the brutish side...but I suppose he's the same as the men from the seventh division. We just don't know him well enough to judge. He's not exactly the chatty type and he keeps to himself all the time."
"True...okay, we'll hold off on a decision about him until princess there wakes up. That mean Nemu's father is next." Everyone turned to give Nemu their attention as they waited to hear her response to Matsumoto's prompt.
"My father has never shown any interest in any woman. I think though, that if he felt he had a problem in that area, he would have researched this all thoroughly. If you like, I can go into his files and look for further information on the subject."
"Yeah...Captain Kurotsuchi and sex are just two subjects I don't want to think about in relation to each other." Matsumoto began with a faint grimace. "All those in favor of moving on to our last division say I."