Hi, guys! This is my first fan fic (under this name, at least). I really don't have any idea where this is going, but I guess I'll just roll with it. For now, it's going to be a Wendy/Cartman slash fic, but it could easily change at any minute.

Please read and review!

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park.

Ch. 1: Mister Cowbell

In any small town, there are three major events of the year. There's the high school Homecoming game. There's the county fair. And then there's the pageant. The last one was coming up in South Park.

This year, as usual, Mayor McDaniels, Officer Barbrady, and Big Gay Al would be the judges of the Miss Cowbell Pageant. They had booked Jesus to host. They decided not to repeat Jimbo's performance last year, where he had accidentally shot Bluebell the Second, the official Miss Cowbell Pageant Cow. Bluebell the Third would make her debut this year.

As soon as the flyers went out, every girl in town between the ages of 14 and 18 got caught up in the pre-pageant preparations. Actually, that wasn't entirely true. Wendy Testaburger, feminist, vegetarian, and rumored lesbian, had not expressed any interest at all in signing up. The balance was tipped, however, because one boy had his eye on becoming Miss Cowbell, and on the prize.

"What?" Mayor McDaniels asked her aides, as she looked over the flyers. "Where the hell did we get $10,000 for a stupid beauty contest?"

"I honestly can't say, Mayor," Johnson said, as he kicked a bag of cement behind a potted plant.

"Whatever. This is the biggest thing that happens in this hick town, anyway. We might as well splurge." She sighed. "Do I really have to judge it again?"

"I'm afraid so," said Fred. Due to Ted's untimely demise during that unfortunate incident with the zombies back in '07, Fred had been her aide for the past eight years. The mayor groaned.

"By the way, you had a letter concerning the pageant." Johnson handed the mayor an envelope. She rolled her eyes, grabbed the letter, and opened it. Her eyes scanned over the letter, gradually growing wider as they read to the end. When Mayor McDaniels reached the end, however, it all made sense.

"Oh, goddammit."

Eric Cartman was in the middle of his daily naptime, known to the rest of the world as Pre-Cal, when he vaguely felt Kenny hitting his arm.


"You're being called to the principal's office, fatass," his nominal best friend told him. Cartman smiled. He got up and waddled out the door.

When the seventeen-year-old finally reached the principal's office, he saw the blue-haired mayor. His grin only got wider.

"Why, hello," said Cartman.

"What bullshit is this, Eric?" Mayor McDaniels asked, holding up the letter.

"Oh, that..."

"What exactly is the letter about?" asked Principal Victoria, sitting at her desk.

"Mister Cartman here has decided that he wants to become the next Miss Cowbell," the mayor replied, matter-of-factly.

"Actually, as you can see in the letter, I want to become the first Mister Cowbell." Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria exchanged worried glances.

"Now, Eric," Mr. Mackey said, "we understand that you're feeling some strange things right now, m'kay? You're young, and it's perfectly natural. Considering your upbringing... If there's anything you need to tell us, then feel free, m'kay?"

"Whatever can you mean, Mr. Mackey?"

"Well, sometimes young boys want to join more predominantly female activities in order to meet girls. But, I assure you, there are less public spectacles, m'kay?"

"I find the Miss Cowbell Pageant to be discriminatory against men. Aren't you in favor of equal-opportunity?"

"Of course we are," Principal Victoria said. She had been sued too many times to risk another case. "Aren't we?"

"Oh, oh, of course." Mayor McDaniels said, faking a smile. "Well, I'm sure you know that sign-ups are on Saturday. Then you can compete in the preliminaries."

"Why, thank you, Mayor. May I go back to class?"

"Of course, Eric." He nodded and left the room.


"D'ya think he's gay?" Principal Victoria asked Mister Mackey.

"I'll have a talk with him, Principal Victoria."

"Jesus Christ."


"Hey, what were you called out of Pre-Cal today?" Kenny asked the smug-looking Cartman.

"I was talking to Mayor McDaniels."

"What about?" Stan asked. Cartman tipped his chair back.

"You're looking at the future Mister Cowbell." There was a brief stunned silence, and then the four boys burst out laughing. "What! It's not funny!"

"No, it's not," Kyle said. "I was just wondering what color dress would go best with your skin tone." They started to laugh again.

"Screw you guys, I'm going home. We'll see who's laughing when I win $10,000." Cartman got up and stormed off. Suddenly, the boys stopped laughing.

"Wait, $10,000?"