Hey folks. Zefie here. I'm trying my first hand at a real comedy. Hopefully it won't be crappy, and I'll get a giggle or two out of you. Enjoy the weird meeting of a loli vampire and the Dark Lord!
Disclaimer: I don't own Negima or Harry Potter.
An Evil Conversation
By Zefie Kirasagi
It was really quite simple. Which was why Evangeline hated it so much.
She was sitting in a comfy, cushy chair on what would have appeared to be a talkshow stage. Which was probably because it was. Someone (Evangeline would have put her money on Asakura) had managed to convince someone else (probably Ayaka or Asuna) that it would be interesting to film a conversation between the vampire and someone else as evil as she was. So, she'd been drafted, so to speak.
And who was she supposed to speak to?
Tom Marvolo Riddle.
The camera's were rolling, the students were watching at home, as the special edition episode of Asakura's "Conversations from Hell" talkshow came on. Asakura stepped in front of the main camera, her smile wide.
"Hey all you fans out there! Today we have a special episode, with the two darkest and most evil beings in the known universe! May I introduce Evangeline A.K. Mcdowell, and Lord Voldemort!"
She stepped aside, and there was a loud shout throughout the campus as the camera showed the normally brightly-lit chatting area cast in a dim shadow. Evangeline was leaning back in one chair, looking thoroughly bored. In the chair opposite her, a tall bald man, his skin as pale as dirty snow, was seated, dressed in a long tattered black robe and twirling a foot-long birch stick around his fingers. He looked almost as bored as Evangeline.
Asakura popped back onto the camera, saying "The first question will go to Evangeline! So, Eva-san, if you had your choice, which would you pick: eternal life, endless wealth, or a lifelong partner?"
Evangeline sighed. "I knew this was going to be a waste of time. Ugh, fine, fine…lifelong partner."
Voldemort laughed in a high pitched voice. "Oh come now my dear, take eternal life and you'll have all the partners you desire! Foolish little girl."
"I already have eternal life, you bald fuck. I'm a vampire." Evangeline replied calmly. Voldemort's hand twitched.
"Quite the mouth for someone so young."
"I'm more than thrice your age if I'm a day older."
"Hah! I was born 1902! Never could you be as old as I!"
"I was born January 17th, 1402."
Voldemort paused, and blinked. Evangeline continued to look bored.
Asakura quickly went to the next question, feeling the tension rising. "Umm, right! So, Mr. Voldemort…what is your strongest power?"
Voldemort laughed lightly, his voice suddenly high pitched. "I have many powers. I could crush this room if I so desired."
Evangeline's sharp laugh pierced the room. "Oh yes, so powerful. And yet, you get your puny hairless ass beaten by LOVE. Of all things. On top of that, you keep yourself alive by ripping apart a chunk of your body. Which means the longer you live, the less life you have. Have you ever thought out that whole Horcrux thing?"
Voldemort took in a breath, hissing. "Is that so, girl? From what I understand, you've been…what is your term…pussy-whipped? By a ten year old? How many times?"
Evangeline sat up straight, a vein in her head pulsing. "What did you just say?! You got your ass spanked by a kid who couldn't even say 'Mommy'!"
Voldemort was on his feet, the rod in his hand pointing at Evangeline.
Abruptly, the room went dark. There was a lot of scuffling, several bangs, then the lights came back on.
Asakura looked at the destruction that had taken over her room-chairs were blown apart, the wall had a gaping hole in it, and both the vampire and the wizard were gone, probably through the bigger hole off to the left.
"Ummm…well…tune in next time folks! And donate for the repairs!"
"Awww…is that all? That was barely five minutes!" Makie exclaimed.
"It was boring." Yue sighed.
"That bald man very strong, methinks." Ku Fei mused.
"Waaahh…now how are they going to do the show?" complained Haruna.
"Those special effects rocked!" Ayase shouted.
"Arrrgh…how the heck did Asakura pull that one off?" Asuna queried.
"I'm just glad no one was hurt." replied Negi.
"Vampiric Bitch!" shouted Voldemort.
"Damn right, bald-boy!" taunted Evangline.
"Hey, is someone fighting?" asked Konoka.
"Sounded like it was coming from next door." replied Setsuna.
"Ah well, come back to bed Oujo-sama."
"Okies Se-chan. I'll bet you're hungry."
Well, there's my first try at a comedy. Please leave a review at the door, k? ZK