Disclaimer: My name is not Stephenie Meyer.

Author's Note: This story has been extensively revised. For reasons that should have been apparent. Lennon Drop.


1. Steal his doctor's bag…

2. Burn it

3. Blame it on Edward

4. Constantly comment on his accent

5. Try to imitate his accent

6. Ask him to change your cat into a vampire

7. Tell him he has fan girls

8. Insist he dress up as Santa on Christmas

9. Tell him that you've seen him and Aro Volturi eating hotdogs by a fire at midnight

10. Ask him to teach Sex Ed at Forks High

11. Key his car

12. Find as many werewolves as you can and invite them over for a party

13. If he wants to kill them at the end of the party tell him that that would break the treaty and no one wants that do they?

14. Poke him until he screams at least ten times

15. Jump out and say, "BOO!!" every five seconds

16. Tell him that the Voldemort is coming over for a therapy session.

17. Give him the laughing Christmas carols CD

18. Hide all of his socks

19. Hide all his left shoes

20. After stealing all his socks and left shoes make puppets out of them and insist he watch the play that you put on with them

21. Leave an animal corpse on the kitchen table and when Esme complains tell her that he: "Just wanted to bring his dinner home!"

22. Graffiti all over his study walls

23. Write in the margins of his books

24. Burn his medical digests

25. Let Alice redecorate his study in all pink

26. Give him a makeover

27. Buy him a T-Rex plushy for his birthday

28. Tell him that you know about the rubber ducky

29. And you have pictures to prove it!

30. Give him Oliver Twist for Christmas

31. Then comment on his resemblance to Oliver

32. Ask him if he has ever met Charles Dickens (because Oliver could have been modeled after him)

33. Make him watch all three LOTR with you in one day

34. Then ask if Alice reminds him of Lady Galadriel too

35. Come into the ER with fake injuries

36. Hack his screen name and talk to random people

37. Scream 'TURTLE' every ten seconds

38. Drop a radio in his bath

39. Hug him in public

40. Number 40 has been removed because of extreme cruelty to the other party involved

41. Buy him a "fuzzee monkee"

42. Take Esme to the flea market (with his credit cards) and tell her to buy whatever she wants

43. Tell him that the CIA knows everything

44. Even the fact that he likes bunnies

45. Sing 'You are My Sunshine' for a hour straight

46. Insist he hang Christmas lights every year

47. Act really hurt if he forgets

48. Tell Esme that he hates her cooking

49. Bring him bag lunches at work and make him eat them in front of other people (we have to keep up our appearances you know!)

50. In general...

Author's Note: Ahh, such a refreshing edit! Lennon Drop