Disclaimer: My name is not Stephenie Meyer.
Author's Note: This story has been extensively revised. For reasons that should have been apparent. Lennon Drop.
1. Steal his doctor's bag…
2. Burn it
3. Blame it on Edward
4. Constantly comment on his accent
5. Try to imitate his accent
6. Ask him to change your cat into a vampire
7. Tell him he has fan girls
8. Insist he dress up as Santa on Christmas
9. Tell him that you've seen him and Aro Volturi eating hotdogs by a fire at midnight
10. Ask him to teach Sex Ed at Forks High
11. Key his car
12. Find as many werewolves as you can and invite them over for a party
13. If he wants to kill them at the end of the party tell him that that would break the treaty and no one wants that do they?
14. Poke him until he screams at least ten times
15. Jump out and say, "BOO!!" every five seconds
16. Tell him that the Voldemort is coming over for a therapy session.
17. Give him the laughing Christmas carols CD
18. Hide all of his socks
19. Hide all his left shoes
20. After stealing all his socks and left shoes make puppets out of them and insist he watch the play that you put on with them
21. Leave an animal corpse on the kitchen table and when Esme complains tell her that he: "Just wanted to bring his dinner home!"
22. Graffiti all over his study walls
23. Write in the margins of his books
24. Burn his medical digests
25. Let Alice redecorate his study in all pink
26. Give him a makeover
27. Buy him a T-Rex plushy for his birthday
28. Tell him that you know about the rubber ducky
29. And you have pictures to prove it!
30. Give him Oliver Twist for Christmas
31. Then comment on his resemblance to Oliver
32. Ask him if he has ever met Charles Dickens (because Oliver could have been modeled after him)
33. Make him watch all three LOTR with you in one day
34. Then ask if Alice reminds him of Lady Galadriel too
35. Come into the ER with fake injuries
36. Hack his screen name and talk to random people
37. Scream 'TURTLE' every ten seconds
38. Drop a radio in his bath
39. Hug him in public
40. Number 40 has been removed because of extreme cruelty to the other party involved
41. Buy him a "fuzzee monkee"
42. Take Esme to the flea market (with his credit cards) and tell her to buy whatever she wants
43. Tell him that the CIA knows everything
44. Even the fact that he likes bunnies
45. Sing 'You are My Sunshine' for a hour straight
46. Insist he hang Christmas lights every year
47. Act really hurt if he forgets
48. Tell Esme that he hates her cooking
49. Bring him bag lunches at work and make him eat them in front of other people (we have to keep up our appearances you know!)
50. In general...
Author's Note: Ahh, such a refreshing edit! Lennon Drop