Xiana: I managed to put up another chapter on time for once. Hopefully that will motivate some of you to review… NO I'M NOT BITTER!
Disclaimer: It was wicked awesome, we went to see the movie in the theatre. In English dub. It was absolutely badass, and it was a lot less annoying without the really bad subtitles. Now let's hope the next two movies get brought over here too!
Claimer: I actually did have an OC in the last chapter, Sam-kun. Sorry. In this chapter there is also Jun, Maiko, Hiro, Yamato, Miki, and this new kid Naoki. He's a very lovable character, I'm sure you'll agree.
Chapter 7: In Which Watari Is a Rock Paper Scissors Champion and Also Gets a Hat.
"I say Yes!"
"I say No!"
"I say… er, Maybe!"
"Children, children, calm down!" Raito and L said together. This was ironic because they were the most childish of everyone there, except for Mello of course.
"All right, I say we shouldn't be able to!" L said. "Because Raito and I would be playing it forever, and you guys don't want to see that, right?"
"Mm, yeah," many people agreed.
"But then us genius types could entertain ourselves without making fun of you non-geniuses!" Raito pointed out.
"Well, yeah," many others agreed.
"But Rai-chan, you don't want to play Rock Paper Scissors with me, because you'll be very stressed and start overthinking stuff again, and I might too! So you see, it's really not a very good thing because we could be doing so many other things instead…"
"Like making out or having se-"
"No, Raito! Like re-memorizing the Gettysburg address or something like that…"
"Damn… I got it wrong again! But you do have a point… All right! Everyone should vote yes on this amendment," Raito said.
"Okay, all in favor say aye!"
"And those not in favor say nay."
"Nay!" said Raye.
"Then the resolution passes unanimously," said Near, who was happy that everyone had listened to him for once, for you see, nobody listened to him when he was a child, which was quite tragic because it led to the demise of his family. Young Near, affectionately known as Li'l Natey by his parents and Li'l Poopy Baby Head by his older brother Mark, had warned them. He told them not to go into the abandoned, haunted, piranha-filled, dark mineshaft-catacombs, but nooooooo! Nobody ever listens to the three-year-old! He had stayed outside, while the others ventured into the rather hazardous situation. The family had been miraculously returning from their peril-fraught adventure when a mysterious figure jumped between them and the toddler. And then he stabbed them. Now, you see, this mysterious figure was actually a mime, so he didn't really stab them. He just pretended to. Mimes generally don't actually use inanimate objects, for you see, they prefer to pretend they have them. In actuality, this is because mimes, as a species, are very poor.
It was for this reason that this particular mime had turned to a life of crime. After listening to the heartbeats of his victims with an imaginary stethoscope, he discovered that they were still alive. He gasped dramatically and silently to his non-existent audience. It is true that Near was in the audience, but, well, he was three years old, so he didn't count.
Then the mime took out his invisible gun. (It was a silencer.) This gun actually existed, unlike the knife, stethoscope, and audience. It also wasn't technically invisible, because obviously, invisible things don't really exist. It was simply a gun painted to match the background scenery. The mime shot Near's mother and father, but not Mark or Near because he only had two bullets. Mark started crying, as most children would, highly traumatized by the death of his parents. Near just walked off and enrolled himself in the nearby Wammy House. As for the mime, well, he kept getting blown away by intense winds and trapped inside glass boxes.
The Silent Killer had struck again, and another family had been destroyed. And so Near's life started tragically, and so it ended tragically.
"So are you just tragically unlucky, or tragically tragic?" Raye asked.
"Er… well, I suppose tragic, because everyone around me basically dies… but I am the one that must continue living… It is the ones that are left behind that must suffer."
"Speak for yourself," L muttered. "I died and got to hang around with Raye and Higuchi for five years…"
Raito hugged L. "Aww, I'm here for you now… Don't worry… I'm sorry that I killed you and that you had to suffer… I shouldn't have killed you… You probably won't be able to forgive me…"
"No, Raito, I already did. Like I said before, you had no choice. You had to kill me. And it all worked out in the end, because now we're here, together."
"Huh?" Raito blinked. That wasn't the kind and compassionate voice of his lover… er, eternal rival. It was vaguely familiar… He couldn't quite remember…
"Raito!" Misa yelled again.
"Oh, right, I forgot about you…"
"What? How could you forget about the girl you love, Raito-kun?"
"Um… er…" Raito didn't really have an answer for that one. So he decided to make something up instead. "Well, it was probably because of… Matsuda! Yes! He hit me on the head, causing temporary amnesia, and I forgot a whole bunch of things, such as your existence, my beloved Misa-chan, as well as the fact that he was the one who did it!"
"Oh, I see," said Matsuda, who didn't remember, but thought it quite possible that he had in fact done it and had cleverly given himself amnesia afterwards to cover it up. 'Cuz he's smart that way.
"Oh, okay." Misa was easily appeased. "But what are you doing, hugging Ryuuzaki like that? Shouldn't you be hugging me instead?"
"We could always compromise," L suggested.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you could hug Raito and I could hug Raito and he could hug us both and it would be like a giant group hug, except with only three people."
"Okay!" So they hugged Raito and Raito hugged them and it was like a giant group hug, except with only three people.
"I have another question!" the ever-inquisitive Raye announced.
"Yes, Raye?" Near sighed.
"What happened to Mark?"
"Well, he was initially traumatized, but he found a way to repress his memories and was able to live a normal-ish life with my aunt and uncle. Ironically enough, I think he later went on to become a mime himself."
"…" Everyone paused to consider this startling information. Until Raye remembered a question that he had meant to ask (and that the narrator had meant to have him ask) quite a while ago.
"Why didn't you count me! I voted no on that amendment, and you said it was unanimous! Don't I count? I want to count… I think I should!"
"Go ahead then, it starts with one, then two…" Matt said sarcastically, but he was ignored.
"Well, Raye, we didn't count your vote because you're really more of an inanimate object…" Near decided.
"He does spend a lot of time just sitting till on the ground when we aren't around," said Higuchi, and if anyone would know, it would be him.
"He certainly is an inquisitive inanimate object, though…. I mean, I've never seen a man who asked so many questions!" Takada complained.
"I'm not an inanimate object… Am I?" Raye asked sadly.
"Yeah, Raye. You are," Raito said.
"Raito, you shouldn't talk to inanimate objects. It's not good for your mental health," L advised.
"No, it's only bad if they start answering you."
"Oh, you're so right, Raito!"
"Yeah. Now… are you going to let go of me soon?"
"Never!" they proclaimed.
"But Misa-san, you should probably hug me as well, with one arm, and then I would b happy to do the same for you," said L.
"But… why would I want to hug Ryuuzaki when I could hug Raito-kun instead? Eww!"
"Not because you would want to hug me, but because it would make Raito happier."
"Eh? Why would Raito want me to hug you? Unless this is just another one of your evil plots to get me to like you instead, which just won't work!"
"Well, I do like you, Misa-san, and I can't say for certain that I don't like-you-like-you at least a little, but I believe that Raito is the only man for you. I merely suggest this primarily because it will be more comfortable for us, but also because Raito likes things that come in threes. If we linked our arms, we could form a triangle of sorts, which I'm sure he would quite appreciate."
"Uh… um…. Well… if you're sure…" Misa hesitantly removed an arm from Raito and even more hesitantly placed it on L's shoulder. L drew her into the embrace. For a second, nothing happened. Then the endorphins kicked in and Raito sighed happily. He pulled L and Misa in impulsively, squeezing them tightly.
"Misa… Lawliet… I love you guys… You're the best friends a poor schmuck like me could ever, ever have…" He was suddenly overwhelmed by emotion and started crying.
"It's all right, Raito!" L and Misa were also overcome by emotion and started crying as well.
Everyone else was confused and a bit frightened.
"Wh-what's wrong with them!" Higuchi shouted nervously.
"It's-" Watari started to explain, but he was cut off by the sudden screams of the non-Raito/L/Misa people.
"Oh… Sorry about that." Near was one of the first to recover. "You see, we all just kind of forgot that you were here too."
"That's quite all right… The narrator forgets about me a lot, you see, since she doesn't really understand my character and since I'm not nearly as exciting as the rest of you young folks," the long-suffering Watari sighed.
The narrator would like to take this moment to formally apologize to Watari in the only way she knows how.
A large, fluffy pink hat appeared on Watari's head. He pretended not to notice and finished explaining what was wrong with Raito, L, and Misa, but mostly Raito. "It's like what is known as 'Runner's High' in the, er, running world. This phenomenon deals with the exposure to and liking of triangles, and is tentatively titled 'triangulator's high."
"Oh, I see," the others said, but they didn't really.
Eventually, Raito and Misa and L recovered, and then they moved on to a new topic, which was not in fact a new topic but an old topic that had almost been forgotten about with all of the many distractions… and that topic was Why We Are Here In The Line! But that topic was destined to be interrupted again, by a change of perspective to everyone's favorite, Jun'ichi Sakamaru!
Jun-chan was skipping happily down a road, singing a joyful tune. "La, la, la, I'm going to kill Raito-san! La, la, la, then he won't be able to laugh evilly anymore!" he sang. Then he paused dramatically. "Oh, but wait! Us people in this dimension are already dead! So how can I kill him! Wait! Argh!" Jun'ichi wondered what to do. He sat on the side of the road and thought. He walked into a nearby bakery and bought a delicious danish. (Please note that it was in fact a danish and not a Dane-Ish or even a Dan Nash.) He walked out of the bakery and ate the danish. Then he sat back down on the side of the road and continued thinking. Eventually, he decided what he had to do.
"Maiko-samaaaaaaaaaaa!!" Jun'ichi took off running and did not stop until he was back in the castle.
"Jun-chan, what's wrong?" Doris asked as he ran up to her desk.
"Miki-chan, it's horrible! The Grand Lord sent me on a big important assignment, you know, but I dunno how to kill those people!" Jun-chan looked up at her with dark, moist eyes. "Miki, you gotta let me in to see Maiko-sama! I can't let him down!"
Doris was a bit of a sucker for puppy dog eyes. "Well, er… I suppose… Naoki Yuiren is reporting right now on the progress of Grand City, but after he finishes, you might be able to sneak in before coffee break. They have that time scheduled for 'interruptible banter,' so I believe it will be all right… But please be careful not to go over into Coffee Break time. There are donuts in the staff lounge, and they have been acting quite ravenous ever since they learned that."
Just then, a red-haired man with yellow, wolf-like eyes stepped out of the chamber. "Right, I'm done in there, 'tsuki. Hopefully I won't be back for a while."
"Why do you say that, Naoki-san?" Doris asked carefully.
"Because whenever I go in there, I can't see a damn thing, and when I try to make my reports, Hiro'n'Yamato always start fighting while Maiko just sits there and makes stupid comments every once in a while."
"Naoki-san!" Doris gasped, appalled.
"Oh, 'scuse me, I meant Hiro-san'n'Yamato-san always start fighting while Maiko-sama just sits there and makes stupid comments every once in a while," Naoki sneered. "Plus I always have to dress up in this stupid suit." He pulled off his jacket and tie and threw them to the ground distastefully. "Well, back to the city, then. See you, 'tsuki." Naoki left, leaping onto a huge black horse that Jun'ichi hadn't noticed in his mad rush to get into the castle and explain his predicament.
Doris sighed. "Well, Sakamaru-san, you may go in now."
"Awww, thanks, Miki-chan! You're the best!" Jun'ichi kissed Doris on the cheek before running in to confront Maiko and co.
Doris flushed red and adjusted her glasses. "D-don't call me Miki-chan! My name's Mitsuki… I mean, Doris!" Then she smiled. But only slightly.
Jun'ichi ran into the room after checking his watch. He had only five minutes before coffee break, so he had to hurry!
"Oh, well… your mom!" Yamato was saying.
"Yamato… My mother is dead. Show some skill, man," Hiro said, sounding depressed and offended.
"Have some class. Surely you wouldn't stoop so low as to insult a man's dead mother, and so recently taken from him, too," Maiko said, disapprovingly. He petted Hiro on the head. "There there, Hi-tan. It's okay, okay… I'm sure he didn't really mean it…"
"Oh, er, I didn't know. I'm very sorry to hear that," Yamato said abashedly.
"Ahem, I hate to interrupt this banter, but I… Maiko-samaaaaa! I dunno-I dunno how to kill them! I mean… they're a-already d-dead!" Jun'ichi sobbed, running out of the spotlight and next to Maiko, who started petting him as well. Yamato felt left out. He also felt like he might have just missed something potentially important to his argument.
Maiko frowned. "Well, Jun-chan, you just have to use your dimensional sword powers to get them dead-ish, and once they're weak enough, you just have to open up a rift-ish thing and they fall into it and go someplace else that doesn't matter because obviously we're here and they're not anymore!" He stopped petting Hiro, who pouted, and picked up Jun'ichi's sword. A yellow-ish light appeared, illuminating a well-manicured hand and a few strands of thick black hair, and a spark jumped into the sword's hilt. "There you go, Jun! All better and ready to kill a Raito!"
"Thank you, Grand Lord." Jun'ichi let himself be petted one more time before he left. And with 20 seconds to spare, even!
Yamato had finally figured it out. "Aha! Your mother's been dead for centuries, you idiot! And we're even dead too! You're still not over it, you wimp?"
Hiro was enjoying having Grand Lord Maiko pet him again. "No, you fool. And you were the one who fell for it…"
"Yeah, I wondered when you were going to remember that," Maiko said. "Sometimes, Yama-chan, I just don't think you're very smart…"
"That's a bit of an understatement… Hey, why'd you-"
"Shhhhh…" Maiko had stopped stroking Hiro's dark hair and was staring fixedly at a clock on the wall that just so happened to glow in the dark. "3…2…1… COFFEE BREAK!"
"So, we're going to figure out where some people came from and why they're here, right?" L recapped for the convenience of those who had been focusing on the exploits of Jun'ichi.
"Well, seeing as how we recently remembered my existence, I feel we ought to start with my story," Watari began.
"Yeah! Why are you here, Watari? I mean, you're even less of a Kira than I was!" L said.
"Yeah, less than I was too," said Raito but as he was Kira in the first place this was a fairly pointless remark and so everyone else ignored it.
"Well, I died."
"That's how all good stories start," Mello reckoned. You see, he quite enjoyed death when it wasn't him or his bestest buddy Matt that was doing the dying.
"I ended up in heaven and walked around for a while. Then I saw Ryuuzaki and Ms. Misora, and I hastened to greet them. Naomi-san was just walking back up to him and an angel when he suddenly disappeared. When I finally arrived, Naomi explained her version of what had just happened. She left out the result, for she apparently had not been there to see it. So when I challenged Mr. Sam to a game of Rock Paper Scissors, I asked him to take me to Ryuuzaki should I win, and to incur the same penalty of moving down a level should I happen to lose. Naturally, I won, being a world-championship caliber player, using my patented 'double-rock-triple-paper' method. Of course, it didn't really matter in the end, since I wound up in the same location…"
"Ah…" Everyone was excited by this tale of woe.
"I didn't know you were a Rock Paper Scissors champion, Watari," L said, sad that he was uninformed about something so clearly important.
"I knew that…" Raito scoffed patronizingly.
"H-how could you know something like that?" L asked surprisedly.
"Well, I read the obituary, of course. We all did."
"Well, excuse me for being dead, Raito-kun."
"You're excused." This time, it was L who threw the first punch. Except it was a kick. Raito flew across the room and hit a wall.
"Raito you big meany meany jerk! I hate you! Being killed isn't exactly something you can just get over and you killed me! And then you think you can joke about it? You're so insensitive! How could I ever think of you as a friend! How could I ever think I liked you –no, loved you! You backstabbing bastard!" L continued kicking Raito. Everyone was a bit confused as to why L had chosen this moment to go insanely out of character.
They would have to wait a bit to find out. Raito got up and decided to strike back. "Oh yeah, and what's with you all of a sudden? You said you forgave me! You said it a couple times! And now you can't get over it? Well, as you would say, Ryuuzaki, once is once!" He slammed L against the wall and hit him hard, splitting his lip open.
It healed quickly, and L was left to lick away a mass of congealed blood. He spat at Raito. "Get off me. Get the hell away from me. I hate you."
"Don't give me that bullshit. You don't hate me. You like me a hell of a lot, and I'll thank you to remember that. After all, I let you do a few things to me back in the day, and if you've decided that you hate me now, I feel I should be able to do something to you too…"
"Dammit, no! You can't do that! Let go of me, Raito! Let go!"
"No, Lawliet, I can't do that." Raito leaned in close, meeting L's belligerent glare with a self-confident smirk of his own. "It's your own saying. 'Once is once.' If you're going to fuck with me, I'm going to fuck you right back." He crushed his lips against L's, forcing his way into an unyielding mouth. He pinned L's arms down, curtailing any further struggle, wanting instead to focus on causing as much pain and pleasure as possible to him.
All of a sudden, a change came over L. He tensed slightly before relaxing completely. This only made Raito press forward, grinding into him. L's fingers twitched in Raito's tight grasp, and he released them, content in the knowledge that he could use his own hands in a far better manner. L's arms settled at the base of Raito's neck, tugging him still deeper into the suddenly responsive kiss.
And then Raito snapped out of it as well. He gradually let go of L, backing away very slowly. At long last, he spoke. "Wait… what were we… What was I just doing to you?"
"I'm not entirely sure… but, uh, it felt sort of nice…"
"Um, well, then, you wouldn't, er, happen to know why I have my hand down your pants, would you?"
"No idea whatsoever."
"Oh, uh, right… I'll just… take that out, then."
Raye was the first to regain the power of speech. "Um, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but I think I speak for everyone here when I say… what the hell just happened here?"
The all-knowing Watari spoke after a suitable moment of silence. "I believe that was what you could consider the 'low' following the high achieved by triangulation… You see, it is much less natural than what you achieve from running, so there are some nasty side effects… In Britain, we know this phenomenon as 'mad triangulator disease.'"
"It is characterized primarily by extreme aggression and an overactive sex drive."
"But why wasn't Misa affected?" Raye asked intelligently, which happened less often than you might think.
"Obviously, she has much more self-control than either of the boys."
There was silence for a few seconds. "Well, this is a bit awkward… um, so…. Matt, why are you here in this Line?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Everyone else shook their heads. "Oh. Well, to put it simply, I never did anything at all with my life. Nothing good. Nothing bad. I just sat in my room playing video games. So I ended up here."
"Oh. I see." As usual, they didn't really, but thought it best just to pretend that they did.
"Yeah. I'm just that badass."
"La, la, la, I've got a shiny spikety sword! La, la, la, now I can kill scary Raito!" Jun'ichi sang, skipping forward along the road. He pulled out a handy tracking device that showed Raito's location. He wasn't exactly sure when Grand Lord Maiko and the others had had time to put it on him, but it was there all the same.
"BEEP…BEEP…BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP!!" The radar/tracking device started beeping crazily. "Aha! So he must be close!" Jun'ichi threw the device on the ground and rushed into the nearest building. He drew his curved blade and stabbed Yagami Raito through the heart.
Xiana: How's that for a cliffhanger of sorts? That's right! Wow, I thought this was actually a pretty funny chapter. And something happened for once! Whoa'z. So now you know why everyone ended up there, you get a nice yaoi-ish scene if you're into that sort of thing, and, er… yeah, that was pretty much it. Yay for Jun'ichi! Probably it seems to be pretty well edited but as it's me expect a mistake or two somewhere up there.
I don't want to be the kind of person that shamelessly begs for reviews, although I usually am, but I would like some feedback. Please, children. Share your wisdom. Tell me why you don't love me anymore. And REVIEW.