Wizard Gone Wild

Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money being made, etc., etc.

Harry Potter's meditation on life, love, and the practicality of crotchless knickers was interrupted by the Leaky Caudron's publican.

"Another firewhiskey, Harry?" the bald-headed bartender shouted, over the thumping bass of dance music.

The Boy-Who-Won shifted his gaze from the "entertainment" down to the empty glass in his hand.

"No, thanks, Tom," he replied loudly.

The bartender nodded, then began to wipe down Harry's table.

The young wizard snorted at the sight, and then loudly asked, "Hey…why don't you sit with me for a few minutes?"

The barman gave him a curious look. "Thanks, Harry, but there's the main bar to look after."

Harry leaned forward and said, "Have a seat, Tonks…Tom can handle the front room well enough on his own."

The metamorph froze, then let out a sigh as Harry pulled out a chair. She cast a silencing spell so that they could hear each other over the music, while he cast a Muffliato spell so that others could not.

"What gave me away?" she asked, as she plopped down on the chair.

Harry chuckled as he pointed towards the table. "Your bar rag."

"Really?" Tonks asked. "But Tom's a squib… he always cleans tables that way."

"True enough, but never with a cloth that is half as clean as the one that you conjured."

The metamorph looked down at the rag and shook her head in disbelief.

"So was it Susan or Hermione that sent you out on this little scouting trip?" Harry asked.


Harry nodded. "She's going to be furious at Ron."

Tonks took a look towards the conjured stage and noted, "Not much he can do now, eh?" She then turned back and added, "Goes for you, too…you look bored…like you've seen it all before."

Harry nodded as he waved towards the stage. "That's the thing, Tonks….thanks to the wizarding photographs that these three and nearly every other witch under the age of one-hundred and ten have sent me, I have."

"Oh…so you're not interested?"

Harry gave Tonks a slightly dismissive look. "You already know the answer to that question."

The metamorph smiled. "Yes, and I still can't for the life of me understand why you don't do something about it."

"My burning stake to bear, Tonks, not yours….you just pay heed to that promise."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah…no telling anyone that the 'The-Boy-Who-Won' fancies 'The-Best-Friend-Who-Wants-Him'."

"She doesn't see me that way," Harry countered. "I'm just the brother she never had."

"You're wrong, Harry…she'd jump at the chance to see you…see all of you."

"Tonks…just mind your promise."

The disguised Auror stood. "Okay, Unrequited-Loverboy," she said, as Harry cancelled the privacy spells. "I'll hold my tongue…just so long as you know that I think she'd be willing to hold your tongue…anywhere that you'd care to place it."

Harry shook his head. "Go back and report your findings, Auror Tonks…I'll stay here and make sure that Neville stays out of too much trouble."

Tonks gave Harry's shoulder a squeeze, then disapparated wearing a bemused expression on her face.


"Strippers? Are you sure?"

"Saw them with my own eyes, Hermione," Tonks replied, yelling over the music. "Well, actually I was borrowing Tom the bartender's eyes, but you know what I mean."

Hermione slammed her empty glass down on the table and fumed, catching the attention of all of the other witches that were partying in The Three Broomsticks' private room. "Why that lying sack of salamander shi…wait 'till I get my hands on him…"

"Oy, Hermione, why are your knickers in a twist?" asked Ginny, as she filled Hermione's glass with another shot of liquid lightning. "Were you thinking that the boys would be playing exploding snap tonight?"

Hermione looked down at her glass and swore again. "Your wandhead brother and I made a deal when we set these parties up," Hermione replied. "No strippers."

"Oh, so that's why this party is so boring," sighed Lavender Brown. "Was it anyone that we know?"

Tonks thought for a second. "Well, I'm pretty sure that they…"

"They?" exclaimed Hermione. "You mean there was more than one?"

"Oh yeah," said Tonks. "Three of them. They were all a couple of years older than you guys, I think…I overheard Ron bragging about how he'd talked them into it. Said that they were members of the Harry Potter Fan Club, and that he'd guaranteed that if they'd strip that Harry would be there drunk off his arse."

"So was he?" asked Hermione.

"Erm…yes and no," Tonks replied. "He was there in the back of the room, but not quite drunk off his arse…I think he was pretty embarrassed by the whole deal…spent most of the time staring into his glass of firewhisley."

"What about Neville?" Susan asked quietly, as she nervously joined the conversation.

"Don't worry, Susan," Tonks assured her, "your fiancé was a nearly-perfect gentleman."

"Nearly perfect?"

"Well, he did have a front-row seat," Tonks replied, "but only because the Twins stole his wand and placed a sticking charm on the back of his trousers."

"I should have known," said Padma, as she punched her sister's arm, "that your husband would be involved."

"My husband?" exclaimed Parvarti. "Your husband's the corrupting older influence."

"Oh yeah, older by all of fifteen minutes."

"Oh, quit bickering," said Hermione, "this is all my fault, I should have never trusted Ron. I'm so sorry, Susan…I've been absolutely pants organizing your bachelorette party, and now it's too late to do anything about it."

"What do you mean, it's too late?" Ginny asked.

"I mean it's too late for me to line up some equivalent male entertainment," Hermione said.

"Why is that?" Lavender asked.

"Because, you silly…" Hermione bit her tongue. "Do you realize just how hard it is to find a wizard stripper? It's why Ron and I made the pact to begin with…but then he has to go and get all Slytherin on me…"

"Well, we could always go to a muggle male strip club," Ginny volunteered.

"Blech," chimed in Luna, having recently returned from the lavatory. "Don't you know that those places are crawling with hopaling larvae? You don't want one of those crawling up you leg and bedding down someplace moist for the next century, do you?"

"Luna," said Hermione, "That sounds a bit far-fetched, even for you."

"So are you going to risk it?" asked Susan.

"Hell, no." replied Hermione. "Skepticism and caution are not mutually exclusive personality traits."

"So that leaves us with one boring, unfairly tame bachelorette party," said Lavender. "Pass the veggie dip."

"You know, Hermione," Tonks said, "this is really all my fault. I should have never let you guys convince me to spy on their party in the first place."

"Now, Tonks…"

"No, it's true. You'd think by now I'd know enough not to abuse my metamorph skills." She took a long pull on her drink. "Well, I'll just have to promise my self, once again, to turn over a new leaf."

"You're right, Tonks," Lavender said with a mischievous grin on her face. "It is your fault. But you can make up for it if you wear that leaf before you turn it over."

"What?" asked Susan, a bit confused.

"I'm saying," Lavender replied, "that Tonks has it within her to help Hermione even the score."

"Oooh, Lavender, I like the way your devious mind operates," said Ginny.

"I don't," Tonks interjected. "You want me to morph male and strip for you, don't you?"

"Well, it technically wouldn't be you stripping, now, would it?" Padma said.

"What do you mean…of course it would," said Tonks. "Every square inch of skin I'd be showing would be mine, even if it were stretched over a male form."

"Oh, Tonks, don't be such a party pooper," Luna said. "We're all friends, right?"

"Yeah, Tonks, it's not like you'd be doing it before complete strangers."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better, somehow?"

"Look at it this way," Ginny chimed back in. "Have your undercover operations ever involved pretending to be a man?"

"Erm, yeah…of course," Tonks replied. "How do you think I was just able to crash Neville's bachelor party?"

"Oh, yeah, forgot about that." Ginny said. "So, during this time pretending to be a man have you ever had to demonstrate that you were…how should I say it…anatomically correct?"

"Well…yes." Tonks admitted.

"Alright, then," said Lavender. "Think of this as job-training. Oh, and spill it, girlfriend."

"Erm, no thanks," Tonks said. "Some things are just way too….erm, secret. It was an undercover operation, after all."

"Oooh, I smell a juicy scandal," said Lavender.

"Tell you what, Tonks," Ginny said. "We'll give you a choice. Either you show us every inch of the man you had to be, or we'll force you to tell us just why you had to wave a willy on the job."

"Bollocks," said an exasperated Tonks. "I need another drink."

She drained her glass almost as quickly as Ginny had filled it, with chants of "Tonks! Tonks! Tonks!" ringing in her ears. She then put the glass down and looked around the room. She smiled weakly, as her body started to grow taller. And less curvier. And harder.

And the crowd went wild.

By the time she was finished morphing Tonks was a six-foot two, 16 stone male hard-body, with a devilishly handsome, clean-shaven face framed by curly black hair.

"Hey," shouted Hermione above the shouts and wolf whistles, "I've seen that face before…"

"Well I know where I'd like to see that face," Lavender quipped, as she spun around on her barstool and spread her legs suggestively.

"Do you remember, Hermione," Tonks asked, "that Italian who painted Headmistress's portrait couple year's back?"

"Of course…how could I ever forget Antonio?" Hermione replied.

"Wait," Ginny said, "don't tell me that Antonio was really Tonks in disguise, waving her wand around?"

"Oh, no, no…" Tonks replied. "There really was a Antonio …still is a Antonio, I imagine, unless some cuckolded wizard Reducto'd his arse."

"But since he's in Italy, rather than in England," Hermione reasoned, "there is less chance that you'd run into the original whilst undercover?"


"Enough talk!" Lavender exclaimed, "It's time to get this show started!" More cheers erupted, as tables and chairs were cleared from one end of the room.

Susan was forced to take a seat directly in front of the open space, while Hermione helped Tonks transfigure her robes into a costume appropriate for a man about to lose his costume. The bride-to-be broke into a fit of giggles and started to squirm, once Tonks started to dance in front of her. A quick sticking charm ensured she wasn't going to squirm out of that chair.


Fifteen minutes later, a sweaty "Antonio" was transfiguring "his" g-string into a towel as Lavender opined, "Well that was rather…underwhelming."

"What?" said Tonks. "Didn't like my moves?"

"Oh, no, the dancing was fantastic," Lavender replied. "It's what the dancing revealed that was a little disappointing."

"Key word being 'little,'" added a giggling Susan. "Couldn't you have provided 'him' with a few…erm, enhancements?"

Tonks shook her head with a grin. "Sorry, girls, but I take pride in my work. Each disguise is anatomically correct and perfectly proportioned."

"Oh, is that so?" asked Hermione brightly. "And how exactly did you come to know Antonio's proportions?"

"Antonio's" cheeks turned red as Tonks flustered out a reply. "Never you mind, Hermione."

"Oooh, I smell another smutty story," exclaimed Ginny. "Do tell, Tonks."

"I don't think so."

"Well I do," Ginny replied. "Give you a choice…either tell the truth or put on another show."

"Since when did this become a game of 'Truth or Dare'?"

"Okay, okay…just give us another dance."

"What, haven't you seen enough?"

"No 'Antonio'," Parvati snarked, "you didn't have nearly enough to show us."

"Yeah, Tonks," Ginny added. "After all, you did say the boys had three dancers, didn't you?"

A chorus of "Tonks! Tonks! Tonks!" once again filled the room.

With a deep sigh, Tonks reluctantly agreed.

"Okay, okay…one more dance," she stated. "But only one more."

"And we get to choose the dancer?"

Tonks sighed. "Fine, your choice."

"Fair enough," said Hermione, thinking on her slightly inebriated feet. "I say the honor should go to the wizard who should by rights be doing it himself, that no-good liar."

"Oh, I love that idea," said Padma as she walked over to the music player, "Hey Tonks, what kind of music do you want to get Ron naked to?"

"Hold on," said Ginny, "As much as my brother deserves it, I really don't want to see his naked body gyrating in front of me."

"I agree," quipped Lavender. "Especially if size is an issue."

"Too much information!" Ginny cried out.

"So that rules out Fred or George?" asked Susan.

Padma and Parvati looked at each other, then burst into giggles.


"Well, if being a Weasley rules them out, then yes, it can't be Fred or George," said Parvati.

"Not that they don't meet the other, erm…minimum requirements," added Padma with a smile.

Ginny covered her ears with her hands and shouted, "La-La-La I can't hear you!"

"What about Harry?" asked Lavender.

"What about Harry?" Hermione quickly replied. "He's not the one causing trouble."

"No, he isn't," Ginny replied with a smile. "But he's not a Weasley, and he is, well…"

"The-Boy-Who-Dampens-Your-Knickers?" asked Lavender saucily.

"Oh, like you haven't had the hots for him since Fourth Year," Parvati quipped.

Tonks didn't like the idea of imitating her friend very much at all, although she was pleased to see that Hermione had suddenly turned all quiet and nervous.

"Wonder if she's being a protective sister, or a jealous wannabe-girlfriend?" the Auror thought to herself.

"Sorry, ladies, but I refuse to dance as Harry unless I can give an exacting performance," she stated. "And as I've never seen Harry Potter in the nude before..."

Lavender Brown smiled as she turned towards Ginny and pointedly stated, "Oh, I'm sure that at least one of us could help you get Harry's measurements right, eh girls?"

All eyes turned towards Ginny, who, much to everyone's surprise, turned beet red as she shook her head. "Sorry, but Harry and I we never got that far."

"That's not what you told us!" Parvati exclaimed.

"Yeah, well, I'm not going to lie about it now," Ginny replied.

"Right, then," said Tonks, "it'll have to be somebody else."

"Too bad," said Susan. "I always did have a soft spot in my heart for him."

"More like a wet spot further down," Parvati whispered to her sister.

"No worries, Susan," Ginny replied. "It's not like he could have measured up, anyway."

"I thought you didn't know?" asked Hermione, who was taken aback by Ginny's comment.

"Merlin knows I tried to find out," Ginny replied sharply. "He probably just didn't want to reveal his inadequacies to me."

"More like he didn't want to let Ginny sink her harpy-like claws into him," thought Tonks.

Hermione's face flushed at her friend's cattiness. "Ginny Weasley, you should be ashamed of yourself…Harry has nothing to be ashamed about. Quite the opposite, actually."

"Oh, like you'd know, Hermione," Ginny snarked.

"As a matter of fact…" Hermione started to say. She then caught herself, but not before everyone turned towards her.

"You were saying?" asked Padma.

Hermione let out an audible growl, then replied, "As a matter of fact, I do know that Harry Potter could quite easily meet the desired size requirements."

You could have heard a pin drop, were it not for the music playing. Then all hell broke loose. The shouts of surprise and skepticism required an explanation.

"It was an accident," Hermione explained. "We were camping in that tent, and it was quite small, and…."

"What was small, Harry's wand or the tent?"

"Like I said…Harry has more than enough wand to make a witch happy."

"Well, then," said Lavender brightly. "I'm sure you can help Tonks with her transformation."

The chanting started up again, only this time it was "Harr-y! Harr-y! Harr-y!"

Tonks morphed back into her base form, grabbed Hermione by the arm, and dragged her towards the Witch's lav. Once they were alone and the proper silencing charms had been applied, Tonks shouted, "What in Merlin's name were you thinking?"

Hermione winced. "I don't know, Tonks…I don't know…I was just so mad at Ginny for talking about Harry that way, or maybe it was the firewhiskey talking, or…"

"Or maybe you were a jealous bint who couldn't keep her secret crushes to herself?"

After a few quiet moments, Hermione admitted, "Maybe."

"Well, a fine way you have of showing that you fancy him," snarked Tonks. "Where in the manual for brightest witches of their generation does it state that the best way to show that you fancy a bloke is to arrange for his bits to be put on public display?"

"Oh I know, it sounds horrible…what are we going to do?"

Tonks thought about things for a minute, before reaching a decision.

"What we are going to do, Hermione, is get Harry's measurements right," she finally said.


"You aren't going to let Ginny get away with her rants, are you?" asked Tonks. "We are going to show that little witch just what she's missing now that she's shagging Dean Thomas."

"We are?"

"Yes, Hermione, and I do mean we."

"What am I going to do?"

Tonks gave Hermione an evil grin as she morphed into a near-perfect rendition of Harry wearing witch's robes. She dropped the robes to the ground and said. "First, you're going to help me fill in the missing details. Second, you're going to leave this room and let me figure out an appropriate costume. And third…"

"Third?" asked Hermione.

"Third, when Harry Potter prances out of this loo and starts to strip you are going to damn well show the others how you really feel about him."


"You got us into this mess, Hermione, now it's my turn to get us out."

Hermione swallowed visibly, then nodded in acquiescence.

Tonks began to adjust her body shape. "Now say when, Hermione," she instructed, as certain bits begin to lengthen.


Once Hermione rejoined the other witches, Tonks quickly donned her robes, morphed back into Tom's form, and apparated to the Leaky Cauldron. Harry was still examining the bottom of his firewhiskey glass.

"Oy, Potter…you need to make a trip to the loo!"

Harry looked up at "Tom," and recognizing Tonks asked, "I do?"

"Yes, you do…follow me."

The-Boy-Who-Won followed the Auror into the Wizard's Loo, where, once they helped Colin scourgify vomit from his robes, they were alone.

"Alright, Harry, I'll need to side-along you to The Three Broomsticks."

"Thanks, Tonks, but I'm not that drunk…I know the coordinates."

"Not to the Witch's Lav, you don't," Tonks said with an evil grin.

She grabbed hold of his arm and spirited them away before Harry had time to ask for an explanation. At least until they arrived at their destination.

"Tonks, what are you on about?" he demanded.

"Just helping you realize the truth, Harry," she replied with a grin. She morphed into Harry's twin and began to strip. "Take off those robes, Harry, we need to get you into your costume."

"My costume?" Harry asked. "Once again, Tonks…what are you on about?"

Tonks paused just as her thumbs dug underneath the straps of the silver-sequined g-string that she was wearing.

"You said that Hermione only sees you like a brother, right?" she asked. "Well, Harry, you've got a golden opportunity to test that hypothesis."

Harry's eyes narrowed, as the chant of "Harr-y! Harr-y! Harr-y!" carried through the lavatory's walls.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," he thought, as Tonks handed him the thong.


A/N: It's a dreary fall day, "Gladiator Sweat" is complete, and the muse was demanding something randier than what's allowed under "Muggle Summer's" rating. This will be a two-shot, unless the plot bunnies attack (as they are wont to do).

Suggestions on dance music and costuming for Harry's upcoming show are welcomed.