In the Bathroom
Squidward gritted his teeth and gripped the cash register. His eyes bugged out a bit as he stared at the clock. "Come on… come on…. just two minutes 'til closing time….I wanna go home and play my sweet, sweet clarinet…."
"Hey, Squidward!" chirped SpongeBob, peaking through window behind him. "After we get off of work, would you like to come over to my house and help me flush out Gary's mucous glands? Ya see, every now and then they get infected and I have to take this—well I guess you could call it a pick—"
"Oh gosh SpongeBob, I can't think of ANYTHING I'd rather do on a Saturday night than that," he replied sarcastically.
"Really? Great 'cause I need you to do it while I comfort him—"
"AVASTE YE SHIPMATES!!" yelled Mr. Krabs, bursting through his office door. "Did you hear that?!"
"Hear what? My sighs of unfathomable misery?" asked Squidward.
"No, ya crybaby." Suddenly Mr. Krabs' voice dropped to an overdramatic tone. "The metallic rolling… the quick clank…. and that little DVD player type thing that pops from the ceiling…."
SpongeBob, somehow not in the kitchen anymore, cowered. "You don't mean….?"
"Aye, lad… it's a….. MINIVAN."
Squidward cocked an eyebrow. "How'd you hear a DVD player from in here—"
Suddenly the door burst open, and dozens of guppies swarmed inside. They screamed, they cried, they pooped their pants, and they screamed and cried about pooping their pants. They put their nasty toddler hands on everything they saw, squirting each other with the condiments and using the knives and forks as swords. They tracked in mud, spilled juice on the floor, and cried about that too. They bounced of the walls, literally, all the while yelling things like, "She hit me, mom!" or "Make him stop staring at me!" or "That wasn't fudge!"
Squidward sighed as ketchup and mustard flung around him. "I hate kids."
"Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!" said SpongeBob joining a couple of the kids who were making a snowman out of napkins.
"SPONGEBOB!!" barked Mr. Krabs. "Get back to the kitchen, stat!"
"Aye, aye, sir!" said SpongeBob with a salute and dashed back to the grill.
A frazzled mother fish approached Squidward. "I need 42 Junior Krabby meals, please."
"Pffff," Squidward scoffed as he tossed his hat aside. "You're too late, lady. We're closed now."
"Barnacles we're closed!" said Mr. Krabs angrily. He turned to the mother. "We'll have it ready soon, ma'am…. Just so long as you have your wallet ready, of course!"
"Mr. Krabs, this isn't fair!" said Squidward. "It's closing time! Why should I have to stay late for these punk kids?"
"Money, Squidward. Money." With that, Mr. Krabs walked away with a hearty laugh, leaving Squidward fuming.
Almost two hours later, the guppies had finished their artery-clogging meals and departed. Squidward began walking for the door but his tentacle got caught in something. "Ugh, what did I step in?" He looked down. "Kid filth…."
"You're right, Squidward!" said SpongeBob, popping out of nowhere with a smile. "We have to clean this place up before we leave!"
"Greeeeeat… why don't you do it, and I go home?"
"Squidward, you help too!" said Mr. Krabs, suddenly appearing.
"Would you two stop sneaking up on me like that!"
"And don't forget the bathrooms this time!"
SpongeBob jumped in the air. "Yay! I love the bathrooms!"
ANOTHER TWO HOURS LATER….
SpongeBob and Squidward were finishing up cleaning the bathroom. Well, actually SpongeBob was cleaning and Squidward was "testing the mirror."
"Ohh…you'd be so gorgeous with hair…." he pined, staring at his reflection.
"Ooohhhh Squidwaaaaard…." called SpongeBob from the stall. "Come're, I wanna show you something!"
"SpongeBob... if you think for one minute I'm going in there with you…."
"But you GOTTA see this!"
"UGH, SpongeBob! I'm not going in there!"
"In fact, I'm leaving. We're done." He reached for the door handle, but when he tried to the turn it, it wouldn't move. "Huh?" He jerked it harder and started to bang on it. "Open up! Come on… come on!" He began to panic. "Oh, no! I think we're locked in!"
SpongeBob didn't reply.
"SpongeBob, did you hear me? I said we're locked in!"
He crept up to the stall door and slowly pushed it. "SpongeBob….?"
"TA-DAH!!" SpongeBob jumped up and motioned to his masterpiece: a bubble sculpture of a toilet coming from the toilet bowl he had been scrubbing. "I call it 'Scrubbing Bubbles a la Commode'….get it? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
"That is not funny, SpongeBob. We're trapped in here!"
"It's okay, Squidward. Mr. Krabs will realize his faithful crew is missing! I'm sure he's probably on his way to the bathroom right now to let us out!"
AT MR. KRABS' HOUSE….
Mr. Krabs was getting ready for bed. "I feel like I'm forgetting something." He thought hard. "Oh, I remember now! SpongeBob and Squidward! ………I gotta dock their pay for drinking water from the tap at work!" He fluffed his pillow and went to sleep.
BACK IN THE BATHROOM….
Squidward had eventually given up beating the door and screaming for help after his countless pleas went unanswered. He was now curled up in fetal position by the sink. "I can't believe I'm stuck in here until morning….and with SpongeBob, this is a nightmare…" he mumbled to himself.
SpongeBob sat on one of the toilets, glancing around nervously. "Hey Squidward?"
"What SpongeBob?" he said with an annoyed tone.
"H-have you ever heard of….. bathroom ghosts?"
"I heard once, from this guy, you know, that in the wee hours in the morning, ghosts come out in the bathrooms….'cause you know, it's WEE hours."
"Is that supposed to be another joke? Because it's not funny either."
"No, they're real! They're made out of toilet paper and smell like cheap hand-soap! When they come they make the bathrooms really nasty and stop up all the toilets!"
"Bull-shrimp, SpongeBob!" Suddenly a growling noise filled the bathroom.
SpongeBob screamed like a girl and jumped on Squidward's head, quivering. "IT'S THE BATHROOM GHOSTS!! Save me, Squidward!"
Squidward pried SpongeBob off. "No, it's not! That was my stomach growling! I'm starving!"
"Oh….me too. I wish I'd brought some Krabby Patties with me…." He glanced around. "Hmm, I bet there's food in here somewhere!" He started looking around.
"There's no food in here, you barnacle-head…. it's a bathroom!"
"A-HA! Look at this, Squidward!" He proudly held the pink puck-shaped object for Squidward to see.
"That's a urinal cake!"
"Cake? Wow! That's even better than what I thought it was!"
"You can't eat a urinal cake! Eew, that's disgusting!"
"Ohhh… I get it, Squidward. You're trying to trick me so YOU can eat it!"
"No!" He threw his arms up. "What is wrong with you?!"
SpongeBob quickly stuffed it in his mouth. He swallowed it in one bite and belched loudly. "Huh. Didn't taste how I expected…."
ONE HOUR LATER….
"Soooo….borrrrred….." whined SpongeBob. "Hey! We should play a game!"
"Suuuuuure," replied Squidward. "How about the Quiet Game?"
"Okay! How do you play?"
"Well, we both have to be completely silent. The one who lasts the longest without talking wins! Okay, go!"
Squidward relaxed and put his hands behind his head. He felt proud that he'd trick SpongeBob into being quiet.
SpongeBob burst out laughing. "Ooops, I guess I lose! No offense Squidward, but that game was BORING!" His face brightened. "Ooh, I know what we can play!" SpongeBob jumped up onto the sink counter. He pulled out the front end of his pants and inserted the end of the hand dryer into them. Pushing the on button, his pants quickly inflated and he began to float around the bathroom. "WHEEEEEEEE!!!" His pants gradually deflated and he drifted back down to the floor, laughing. "Now you do it!"
Squidward stared angrily back at SpongeBob.
ANOTHER HOUR LATER
"Look, Squidward! It's your house!"
Squidward looked over with an overenthusiastic grin, but his face fell when he saw what SpongeBob was pointing to: a small, clumsily made replica of his Easter Island Head made out of toilet paper rolls. He sighed. "I should have known…."
SpongeBob laughed. "Now I'll make one of my house and we can pretend we're at home! Doing what we normally do!"
"You mean you annoying me?"
"No, silly!" He laughed again. "And look at this!" He smiled and held out two toilet paper tubes stuck together with holes poked through. "I made your clarinet too!"
"SpongeBob….you can't expect me to put my mouth on that…"
"Sure, Squidward! Go ahead, give it a try!"
"No, gross! And what'd you use to stick those together with anyway?"
"Shhh…. it's a bathroom secret!"
YET ANOTHER HOUR LATER….
Squidward's stomach growled again. He put his tentacle on it and groaned. "I gotta eat something…. I'm gonna starve in here." He glanced around and his eyes fell upon SpongeBob, staring at the wall. Squidward's eyes glazed over. In a cartoonish way, Spongebob morphed into a block of cheese. Squidward's mouth watered as he hallucinated. "Mmmm…"
SpongeBob, noticing the way Squidward was looking at him, turned to face him. "Um, Squidward? Are you okay?"
"Never better, SpongeBob…." he said in a monotone, his eyes wild. He licked his lips.
SpongeBob's stomach growled too. He looked down and then back up. Somehow Squidward had changed into a giant green lollipop. SpongeBob began to drool.
They both lunged at each other. Squidward sunk his teeth into SpongeBob's head as SpongeBob licked the side of Squidward's face. Suddenly they both froze and their eyes bugged out as reality snapped them out of their hallucinogenic state. They glanced at each other.
"Let's never speak of this again."
ANOTHER HOUR OR OTHER INCREMENT OF TIME (IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER)….
They sat quietly on the bathroom floor.
"Squidward?" asked SpongeBob nervously, breaking the silence.
"…um…well, we've been in here a while now and um…."
"Um…. I gotta go."
"Go…. go where? We're stuck, remember?"
"OH….. well, there's the stall. Knock yourself out."
"I can't. Not with you listening."
"I'm not listening."
"You can hear!"
"Would you just go already!"
"Okay, okay!" Biting his lip, SpongeBob pushed open the stall door and went inside. The door closed behind him.
A full minute of silence passed. "Well?" asked Squidward. "Aren't you going to go?"
"I knew it, you were listening!" said an offended SpongeBob.
"Well, I kinda can't help it—"
The door flung open. "I….!!" began SpongeBob, "…. SHALL HOLD IT!"
"Well that was anticlimactic."
MORE TIME LATER……
Squidward rested his head on a couple toilet paper rolls, but he just couldn't get comfortable. He wanted to sleep but something about lying on the bathroom floor was keeping him awake.
SpongeBob was lying on the cold, hard floor, shivering. "Squi-Squidward?" he stammered.
Squidward sighed. "What?"
"It must be the wee hours of the morning now…."
"Not this again…"
"The bathroom ghosts are coming!" he screamed, cowering.
"SpongeBob, please! Grow up!" said Squidward angrily. "If there were 'bathroom ghosts'…. wouldn't we have known it by now? Look… nothing strange is happening. It's just you, me, and the same old bathroom filth. OKAY?"
They both fell silent as SpongeBob glanced around nervously for anything supernatural. Suddenly the sink dripped.
SpongeBob screamed bloody murder and jumped on Squidward. Squidward tried to wrestle him off. "Not this again! Get off!"
"You gotta hide me, Squidward! They're gonna get me!" he cried in a panic.
"Get a hold of yourself!" Squidward tried to push him off.
"Ooh! Hey, don't push on my bladder area…."
Squidward lifted SpongeBob up and tossed him across the room. He was flung into the stall, falling into the toilet.
SpongeBob grabbed the flusher. "I gotta get out of here!" he screamed, and pulled. The toilet flushed him down the drain, his panicked cries getting softer and softer until he was gone and the toilet refilled itself.
Squidward blinked. "He got out….." He looked down into the toilet. "Do I dare?" he asked himself. "No… no way! I am way above flushing myself." He folded his arms. "It'll only be a couple more hours until Mr. Krabs gets here anyway." He lay back down on the floor. "I can wait it out."
A COUPLE HOURS LATER…. (WHEN THE KRUSTY KRAB OPENS, BUT YOU PROBABLY FIGURED THAT OUT)…..
Mr. Krabs unlocked the front door. "Ahh, what a glorious morning…. FOR MONEY!" He walked inside and a shadow enveloped him from behind. "Who's there?!" He turned around. "Oh. It's you, SpongeBob."
SpongeBob quivered. He was unshaven, with bags under his bloodshot eyes, and about three shades paler than usual.
"SpongeBob, what's wrong with you? Ya look like you've seen a—"
SpongeBob put his hand out. "Don't say it, Mr. Krabs….. because you're RIGHT! I HAVE seen a ghost!"
"Well, I was gonna say some kind of nautical joke, but—"
"And I have terrible news, Mr. Krabs…." His eyes began to tear.
"What's that, boy?"
"I don't think Squidward made it!" he sobbed. "The bathroom ghosts got him for sure!"
"Yeah, they come out in bathrooms in the wee hours of the night. Last night, Squidward and I were locked in the bathroom…. I made and it out but Squidward…" His eyes welled up again. "Ohh….poor Squidward! He was so young!"
Mr. Krabs laughed. "There's no such thing as bathroom ghosts!"
"Yes, there is!" said SpongeBob, his eyes wide.
"Come're, I'll prove it to you." He walked over to the bathroom, key in hand.
SpongeBob tried to pull him back. "No, Mr. Krabs, don't go in there! They'll get you too!"
"Nonsense, boy," he said as he shoved SpongeBob. Mr. Krabs turned the key and opened the door.
They looked inside and gasped. On the floor lay a pale greenish, grayish amoeba-like blob. His tentacles were strewn about, almost like a real octopus. His eyes were two different sizes and lacking pupils. He foamed at the mouth, making an ungodly heaving noise.
"It's a bathroom ghost!" SpongeBob attempted to run away, but Mr. Krabs grabbed him.
"Look closer, boy…"
"It's me, Squidward, YOU YELLOW IDIOT!" Squidward roared, still lying on the floor. "This is what I look like after spending the night locked in a nasty bathroom, with YOU, and not getting my beauty sleep!"
SpongeBob stared back. "…………..Eeew, gross!"
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