Hey guys, just a sad lil one shot at Sam reflecting on his life, and the ending of Dean's with his in general.
set late on in season 3 and has season 2 finale and up to season 3.02 spoilers.
Dislaimer:definately not mine, you'd think I'd let them have a car like that without me! (wink)
Warning: it made me cry-I had one of those revelation days, everything overwhelms you, and you realise life is more than a lil unfair. Also spoilers, language and Ansty Sam and Dean. Brotherly fluff.
It'd be coming to the close of Dean's deal, and Sam can't take much more. His reflection on their life, his own and Dean's losing one.
Goes to the song by flyleaf-believe in dreams-have a listen, bring a kleenex...
His face winced in sympathy, the blue hue of the laptop screen numbing his features to solem sadness.
Eyes closed deeply, a stray shimmer of light glided down his cheek, a sob escaping his throat. Blinking rapidly he cleared the foreign liquid away and raised himself from the chair.
The familir rumble of their impala drifted from outside the dark motel room, a door slammed shut, and he braced himself for their next conversation.
Brushing the remnants of crying from his too young face, he stood and readied himself.
Dean opened the fading painted door, and drifted into their glum room, he stared at his younger brother, tensing he shut the door quietly.
"Dean...?" Defeated and alone he inhaled sharply and repeated the word.
"What?...I don't wanna fight with you Sam, don't do this now." Dean said, equally as defeated but he didn't have long and no way were the last precious day of time going to be spent with Sam arguing about his deal.
"It's not about that." Sam swallowed.
Dean's heart rate dropped, fear flooded his body and numbed his reserves.
"Then what is it about?...did something happen?" Dean asked, stepping closer, fearful.
"No...but...it's everything." Sam sighed rubbed his reddened eyes, soft face and shaggy hair. "Our lives...what-everything we did, everything dad did. It's all for nothing." tears began to well in his too bright eyes, and Dean felt himself break just that little bit more.
"Mom died. You never had a figure to look up to like a mother, I never had anyone but you. Before me, you and Mom and Dad all had a high life-something to live for and wake up to everyday, a safe day. All that was ripped from you." Sam sniffed, and turned around to sit on the bed.
Dean, nearly tearful and hell worried about where Sam was going with this.
"Sammy..I don't get this...why now?"
"Some people live their whole lives long and full and have such a happy time everyday, a memory for every day to always look back on. Some people live a high life, rich and successful and no worries, then some live on the shit end- they get all this crap loaded into their lives which can't possisbly ever get better, they don't have memories to look back on because their only memories are nightmares. You only get one life Dean, didn't you ever wanna go out normally-one night in your sleep when you're so old you've seen two generations of your kids grow up." Sam hitched a breath, crying freely. Dean's tears only making this conversation harder.
"Sam, we can't have that-you know that, it's not our place-"
"But why not! why do we have to be the ones that have to lose everything, to never even be thanked or earn something from this, and I don't mean money!" Sam shouted, his face a shimmering mix of tears and emotion, mirroring back Dean's own inner turmoil.
"Didn't you ever think of teaching your own son how to play a game, talk or even getting married. This life has taken so much from us-from me and I can't lose what's left of it now Dean, I won't!" Sam swallowed, choked a sob.
Dean averted his eyes to a stain on the carpet, he knew this was all so true, and all the more unfair their whole lives had been. Sam sat, eyes searching a memory Dean couldn't see.
"When I went away to Stanford, me and Jess used to talk about things...I always wished I'd die old in my bed, Jess right there with me, our own kids had kids. But you never even thought of that, you never even felt what it was like to be part of something and be loved. You're this lone soldier who has to make sacrifices for everyone else, and screw yourself. That's not fair Dean...our life isn't fair." Sam cried.
"No, Sammy you're gonna live on, you're gonna have all that in your future. And I'm gonna be happy coz that's what I wanted for you." Dean said, standing up and sitting next to Sam a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"No...I've lost everything for that to ever of happened, and now you're gonna be ticked off that list. I can't help it anymore, I just can't do it-I can't live this life...I've wasted it, you only get one Dean and I've wasted mine...when I die I'll know there's nothing I could have done to save the ones I've loved and they've all died because of me. I'll die knowing my life was a waste and it only caused more hurt for others, how is that okay?" he sobbed, leaning on Dean.
"It's all gonna be okay Sam, you'll see, you can make something of yourself."
"No because your life is cut short and we had the shit end life to start with, we don't get to live the high life Dean, it's not the way we were meant to go." A stray tear slipped past his defences and blossoming in a darkening patch on Dean's knee, suddnely the 24 year old Dean knew became the lost 6 year old who'd hurt his hand, and Dean could make it all better.
Hugging Sam closer Dean hiccupped a sob and trembled with unshed tears.
Sam shrugged him off and stood his full six foot plus height.
"You're 28, you're only gonna be 28 when you die Dean-how is that fair?" Sam shouted.
"I made the choice Sam, some kids die when they're born. Some die at 8 Sam it's life, no one knows when there gonna kick the bucket, no one can control what happens in death and no one can escape it...you were an outside the box idea and one of a kind." Dean tensley smiled.
"Dean..this is not fair! You haven't kicked the bucket yet, you weren't supposed to. I was supposed to die at cold oak...I did!" His voice cracked and he slumped to the ground.
"Sam...we can get out of this, I can still be with you..even though this body isn't here." he winked.
"How the hell do I defeat all the shit we face..all that I'm gonna face without you backing me up." he said accusingly.
"What the fucking hell do you wanna do...bless every fucking cloud and hope it rains holy water to kill these demons...you can't do everything Sam." His tone softened "And you can't save me..."
"For all of your 28 times 365 days and they've gone so quickly...I can't lose you, you're the only one who can keep me going."
"Sam, I'm gonna die and you can't stop this..." Dean rubbed a hand accross his wet face.
"No I can't stop it...but we're going down together, at least I'll have stood for something and my life won't be a waste anymore."
Dean smiled at that, he placed both hands on Sam's shoulders.
"Sammy, none of your life has been a waste...yeah sure some people have shitty lives and some have the high life, some die a little earlier then their time but we've saved so many people from death...and we've taken so much evil from this world Sam, you have to be proud for that. You're definitley not a waste Sam..."
"Why aren't I?" He sniffed, Dean squeezed his shoulders.
"Because the day you were born, you gave my life a meaning, and because of you this life hasn't been a waste, coz it kept you safe." Dean smiled, no snicker or his signature grin but a smile that bled into his eyes and heart, holding everything the brother's held so dear.
Sam winced, and relaxed further nto his elder brother.
"It's okay Sam, we'll go down together, but I'm gonna fight out of this deal until the last possible second...I'm not leaving you brother." Dean's voice wobbled.
Sam held on tighter, wanting so badly to believe Dean. Suddenly this way of life didn't seem that bad, they had their own sort of normalacy and their own way of seeing death. As long as they had each other in their lives, things were ok...things were normal, they felt wanted, needed- which got to thinking maybe their lives weren't a waste and they'd made a hell of a life with what they had.
Yeah, life sucked but at least they had each other.