Tori: Man… not much inspiration right now, huh?
Saria: I'll say. I've been trying to read some fics to lift my mood but not much is working. What few seem to have interesting plots are so poorly written that I lose interest fast…
SA: Grammar Nazi.
Saria: Hey, I mess up in writing sometimes!
Zas: Yeah, now if only you would proofread things.
Special shout out to Lucas Bane in this segment for their wonderful comment! It was very flattering to hear someone likes my writing to the point where they wish it would be turned into a series of OVAs!
Yamamoto stared in horror as Tessai presented the two infants to him. He hadn't personally known Urahara Kisuke or Shihouin Yoruichi during their younger years but he knew their general looks.
"What happened?" he demanded as his tea cup was slammed onto the table. It was joined by Ukitake's cup while Kyouraku's met the floor.
"It's obvious," Kyouraku stated as he stared at the children as Tessai tried to catch his breath. "We all knew that Urahara and Shihouin were close, now we have proof of that!"
"I see, so which side do twins come from?" Ukitake asked as he pushed himself up.
"Heck if I know!"
"YOU HAVE TO HELP!" Tessai roared as he finally regained his breath. "THEY'RE BABIES!"
"We're not a nursery! Urahara and Shihouin can take care of their own mistake!" Yamamoto commanded.
"What're their names?" Ukitake asked as he patted the dark haired child's head.
"KISUKE AND YORUICHI! They're Kisuke and Yoruichi!"
All three men stared at the former Kidou master incredulously.
"Not very imaginative of those two," Kyouraku finally stated.
"They ARE Kisuke and Yoruichi!"
All stared at him in shock this time.
"We had tea and I found a strange beaker in the kitchen and they were in this form! I did a scan and the reiatsu was that of Ichimaru Gin!"
"Gin?" Now Ukitake stared at the two children again. "Don't the friends of Kurosaki Ichigo believe something like this happened to him?"
"Yep. And they're still tryin' to get back to Hueco Mundo to rescue him." The Eighth division captain confirmed as he sat back. "Seems there might be something to their theory."
"Call a Captains' Meeting immediately!" The So-taichou's voice boomed through the building and those present didn't think messengers would need to be sent. He also believed that all of the residents of Seireitei knew that there were babies in the building since the roar had caused both to break into screaming sobs.
Szayel groaned under the combined weight of the two toddlers he carried out of the infirmary as the two cried, Grimmjow once again howling at at least double the volume of Ulquiorra. To make matters worse, he still wasn't wearing a proper diaper and was continuing to let loss a stream of urine that splattered along the floor and walls. The scientist was going to take a LONG, HOT shower after this, burn his current clothing, and try to erase this from his mind.
It was very clear to him at least that Nnoitora was in no condition to take care of the tots so they needed to be placed with someone else for now.
"Szayel." Aizen's smooth voice called from behind him and he turned to face the former Shinigami Captain.
Aizen reached forward and took Grimmjow, who had finally finished peeing, and quickly straightened the diaper that was barely hanging on the child. For his part, Grimmjow stared at Aizen quizzically as the diaper was adjusted before hissing and baring teeny-tiny fangs. That was cut off as Aizen gently moved his fingers through the child's hair, focusing on just behind the perky kitten ears. Szayel almost dropped Ulquiorra when the blue haired Arrancar, renowned for being ornery, volatile, and all together… catty- leaned into the man's touch and seemed to purr.
"This might be an improvement," Aizen observed before glancing at the floor. "When he stops trying to peel his face off, have Nnoitora clean this up."
Aizen glanced at the two children. Though Ulquiorra was unlikely to be much of a problem, Grimmjow promised nightmares to whoever watched him. Best course of action would be to separate them.
"Pass them along, SEPARATELY, and don't let Gin get his hands on either of them."
"Of course Aizen-sama," Szayel replied as he clumsily tried to bow as Aizen set Grimmjow down.
Reaching down, Szayel grabbed the blue haired tot before he could toddle off and turned to head down the hall. Who should he hand these guys off to? Halibel was probably still mad from yesterday and wouldn't take them and he didn't trust Yami to not accidentally step on them. Nnoitora was out of commission as was Tesla by extension. Stark was on a mission, Gin off limits, Zommari could outrun him, and Barragan would probably try to kill him.
His thoughts came to a halt as he spied Tousen and Ichigo as they wrapped up their training session. Neither of them knew of this new disaster yet, both were fair targets.
Heading down to the entrance of the training area, Szayel stood by the door and waited for the two to leave the field. It didn't matter which would be the first out, they would be getting Grimmjow who was now attempting to gnaw on his arm.
"Tousen-san! Ichigo-san!" he called as he rushed down a staircase to the pair. "You're both needed for something very important!"
Tousen almost looked to puff up slightly at being called for something important by the Eighth Espada, an Espada that typically only wanted to answer to Aizen. Ichigo on the other hand had been around Szayel enough while "growing up" to know that something was wrong.
"What?!" the orange haired teen demanded as a silent black bundle was shoved into his arms while a much more aggressive blue one was put in Tousen's.
"Keep them separated!" Szayel yelled back at them as he took off using Sonido.
"Wait!" Ichigo shouted and attempted to follow the insane scientist while Tousen struggled to gain control of the squirming bundle he had been landed with.
"Stop struggling," he ordered fruitlessly before finally getting the small form under one arm. A quick scan indicated that Ichigo had already gone after Szayel but Tousen knew it would be fruitless to try to chase the insane scientist so he instead headed to a better source of information since Aizen-sama was bound to be busy, Gin.
Tessai sighed in relief as Unohana took Urahara and the baby boy calmed down straight away. There were no immediate takers for Yoruichi though as the meeting began.
"A crisis has befallen us that causes me to believe the speculated fate of Kurosaki Ichigo," Yamamoto stated straight away, causing several heads to turn.
"That outrageous theory his human comrades have of him being turned into an infant?" Komamura asked. "What proof is there of that?"
"In Unohana and Tessai's arms!" Ukitake practically shouted. "Tessai even found proof that Ichimaru had been there right before Urahara and Yoruichi turned into children!"
"Urahara?" Kurotsuchi demanded.
"Yoruichi-sama?!" Soifon almost yelled and grabbed at the child in Unohana's arms before noticing the blond hair. Tessai let her have the baby without complaint when she approached him.
"Interesting!" Kurotsuchi declared as he leaned over the infant in Unohana's arms. "We'll need to take them to my division headquarters to determine what happened and reverse engineer this to make a cure! I can guarantee that they will be mostly kept intact."
"Not on your life," Tessai and Soifon replied in equally flat tones as evil looks crossed their faces.
"Now now," Unohana cut in gently. "We mustn't start a fuss, especially with children in the room. And since this is a matter of the body, shouldn't the Fourth division be a better place for determining what is wrong and creating a cure Kurotsuchi-taicho?" Unohana's eyes cracked slightly open as she directed her question to the mad scientist and everyone shivered at her vague threat.
"We do have something for the Twelfth though," Tessai pointed out as he produced the test tube. "This was what I found that had Ichimaru's reiatsu signature on it."
Kurotsuchi immediately grabbed the tube with a grin as he noticed little droplets inside the tube.
"As for right now the children should be taken in by one of the divisions," Yamamoto declared.
"Yoruichi-sama can stay with us at the Second," Soifon volunteered and Yamamoto nodded.
"Then the children will be the responsibility of the Second for now."
Soifon's eyes widened as she realized she would have to take Urahara as well but she didn't argue. She could get one of the lower ranked members or Omeada to watch him. If Yamamoto-soutaicho insisted that the two stay together, she could put up with the antics of Urahara Kisuke for the sake of Yoruichi-sama!
Unohana spoke up once more then.
"I really must insist that the children be examined to insure they are healthy." Her tone and expression allowed no room for argument and even Yamamoto didn't argue.
"Szayel! What is this?!" Ichigo demanded as he pounded on the door to Szayel's lab. "Szayel!"
"You just need to watch him for a little while!" Szayel's muffled voice replied. "Now please leave, I'm very busy with important projects for Aizen-sama!"
"Fine!" Ichigo shouted angrily before glancing down at the child he currently held who stared at him impassively. Damn this little guy reminded him of Ulquiorra…
"I think I'll call you Orra-chan for right now," Ichigo told the kid with a grin. The child though stared at him for a full minute before making a face and several seconds later a horrific odor cut through the air.
"Oh man! Did you just let one rip?" Ichigo demanded as the black haired child drew in a breath and let loss an earsplitting shriek. A moment of inspiration caused Ichigo to peek into the diaper and then he really did start to panic.
"SZAYEL!" he roared as he pounded on the door again only for the floor under his feet to give away. "DAMN IT!" Ichigo screamed as he fell, child in hand.
Tousen found Gin in the observation room as was normal. The man had seen his approach and greeted him enthusiastically.
"Tousen-san! So nice of ya ta visit!" Gin called.
"Cut the antics Gin, what is this?" Tousen demanded as he raised the squirming child that was now attempting to gnaw on several of his fingers with sharp little teeth.
"Aww! Grimm-kitty makes almost as cute of a baby as Ichi-chan did!"
Tousen almost dropped the child that Gin had just identified as Grimmjow. "How? When?"
"At the meetin', Nnoitora threw the potion Szayel used on Ichi at Grimm-kitty! Ulqui-chan got some too!"
"So both Ulquiorra and Grimmjow have been turned into infants?" Tousen clarified.
"They're tots now, best ta make the most of it!"
Tousen could just feel Gin's vicious grin and turned to make a hasty retreat.
Orra-chan screamed and flapped as the two of them fell, making it very hard for Ichigo to keep a hand on the kid during their fall. The kid's tail striking him across the face caused him to finally lose his grip right before the tunnel opened to dump them into a hallway.
Ichigo was so focused on trying to grab the winged brat that he landed flat on his back on the floor, knocking the wind out of him rather thoroughly. Ichigo just managed to draw in a breath as Orra-chan landed butt first on his face!
"BLEARGH!" Ichigo cried as the smell invaded his senses again. "I'm going to KILL SZAYEL!"
"Kill Szayel, Niño?" The familiar voice drew Ichigo's attention to one of his former playmates, Dordoni. "You should really have a good reason if you want to kill the Octavo Espada."
"He burdened me with evil!" Ichigo replied as he struggled back to his feet, holding the bat-like toddler at arm's length.
"Evil?" Dordoni asked right before the smell reached him also. "HEAVEN ALMIGHTY! GET IT AWAY!"
"What do we do with it?" Ichigo demanded.
"Toss it out!"
"I don't care so long as it's not here!" Dordoni's voice had changed octaves at this point and had Ichigo been any less stressed himself then it might have been funny.
"So what do we do?"
"WE NINO?!" Dordoni screamed.
"You want to leave me alone with this?" Ichigo deadpanned as he raised the still shrieking child. "I could dump it anyway in this area!"
"Let's see Cirucci." Turning, Dordoni led the way to the other Privaron's area, careful to remain upwind from the stink demon.
Tousen ran down the hall, the toddler in his arms laughing at the rush and no longer gnawing at his arm. Behind them Gin was in hot pursuit, firing several kidou spells in an attempt to capture the pair.
'He's innocent now, he's innocent now,' Tousen reminded himself over and over as he shifted the laughing child in his arms. If Ichigo could change to such a profound extent by being exposed to proper role models such as Halibel and Aizen-sama, then who knows how he could change Grimmjow! So long as he kept him out of Gin's hands. Ulquiorra would be perfectly fine in Ichigo's responsible hands and if the youth got overwhelmed he could always turn to Halibel.
A particularly sharp turn had Tousen slipping and skidding over the floor, the tot shrieking with laughter as his sharp little fingers dug into the former Captain's arm.
"I'll get you somewhere safe and quiet then teach you about justice and respect," Tousen promised right as a sharp feeling pierced his middle. In his arms the child cried out in surprise and mild pain as several more of what Tousen now recognized as the Six Bars of Light imprisoning spell struck.
"Now now Tousen-san! Shouldn't run with'a kid in yur arms!" Gin's voice called out as he walked calmly to where Tousen stood, unable to escape with an angry child in hand.
Grimmjow hissed as Gin's hands reached out and plucked him from Tousen's arms and the blind man hoped the child could resist until he could free himself, and possibly bite off a few of the fox man's fingers.
"It's alright Grimm-kitty, just gonna take ya ta have some fun!" Gin promised as he adjusted his grip on the child to keep his fingers away from the kid's sharp little teeth and claws.
"Rawl!" Grimmjow replied angrily at the man who he knew was responsible in some way for the end of his fun and pain.
"He was entrusted to me Gin!" Tousen informed the other angrily as he tried to force himself upright again.
Gin grinned then reached forward and grabbed Tousen's collar. "Guess ya gotta come too then!"
Cirucci glared at the two that stood before her, angry at being disturbed from her daily routine by the idiots. Her annoyance was made worse by the fact that they had a very loud brat with them.
"What're you doing here?" she demanded before a faint breeze brought a scent to her. "Dear god!" Reaching out, she jerked the child from the orange haired brat's arms and glanced around for a substitute diaper and finally chose a white handkerchief that she had been thinking of getting rid of anyway.
Dumping the toddler on a table she grabbed the cloth then set to work, quickly stripping the soiled diaper off and cleaning the brat's ass before pinning the new diaper in place. She only became aware of the screams behind her once she was finished.
"What are you idiots doing?" she demanded only find that Dordonii and Ichigo seemed to be playing a game of Hot Potato using the diaper. Neither had gotten any shit on them yet but she was annoyed enough now to change that.
Drawing her weapon, she waited until the diaper was about to be caught by Dordonii before launching that yo-yo end and smashing the projectile, spraying the other Privaron with the fecal matter.
"AAAUUUUGH!" Dordonii howled before turning and disappearing in the direction that Cirucci knew led to the bathing area.
Grabbing the now clean brat, she shoved him back into Ichigo's arms. "Now leave."
The other took her order to heart and disappeared as well.
Tousen glared at Gin from where he was currently tied to a chair as the other handed Grimmjow a collection of crayons and finger paints, a large number of papers spread out before the kid.
When Gin said that he was going to take Grimmjow to have some fun, Tousen remembered all the antics caused by him previously and was certain that there would be flooding, graffiti, and explosions. He was certain that he would find himself having to deal with an even bigger problem than ever, a vicious Grimmjow that had been trained by a conniving prankster. If he had known that this was what Gin meant…
"I shall teach you Justice!" Tousen promised though he was unsure if he was promising the now quiet toddler a brighter future or the grinning silverette a thorough lesson.
Unohana-san was willing to perform the examination of the children in the Second division's headquarters so it was easy enough to get them there. The problem now for Soifon was that the moment her hardened assassins had found out that they would be expected to aid in the care of two small children they had done the one thing that Soifon was certain she had beaten into their thick skulls: abandoned their mission without achieving their intended results.
With the exception of Omeada and three others whom she had managed to catch and chain down, the entire division had run for their lives the moment she demanded a volunteer to change Urahara Kisuke's diaper. They hadn't even seen the brat yet!
At the moment she was receiving missives from the Fifth, Eighth, Tenth, Eleventh, Thirteenth, and even the Fourth about her troops seeking shelter or asking to switch squads.
If the cowards could be defeated just by a simple task that many common women did everyday then she didn't need them! She could do this herself!
"Alright you little bastard," she murmured as she approached the still screaming brat. "I'm going to do this and you're going to hold still as I do!"
The baby's response was to kick his feet a bit as he cried louder.
Reaching out, Soifon grabbed his legs and quickly stopped their movement, holding them in one hand.
"Those bastards really were wimps, this is easy!" she declared as her free hand reached out to unpin the diaper on the child's hips. The moment the mess came into view, she reacted by dropping the feet of the bastard and jumping back, her hands quickly covering her nose as nausea swept through her form.
Maybe her division hadn't been such wimps; maybe they were just practicing prudence. Good lord that horrible stuff was evil and rank! Maybe she could just leave it?
No, she was a fearless assassin. She had trained under Yoruichi-sama herself and had sworn she would never back down!
Reach into a drawer, she quickly found a rag that she tied over her face, a pair of gloves that she slipped over her hands, and a pair of chopsticks.
Approaching the mess again cautiously, she poked at the diaper for a moment to make sure it wouldn't move before grabbing a corner of the diaper with her chopsticks and slowly dragging it off the baby's form. It opened again and gave her a clear view of the soaking mess inside and once again the smell assaulted her nose.
Soifon jumped back again with a gag and fought the urge to vomit even as tears gathered in her eyes.
"I'm sorry Yoruichi-sama… I can't do it…" She glanced in the direction where Yoruichi-sama's infant form lay, awake due to the crying and staring in her direction.
She could feel Yoruichi-sama's eyes on her; feel her disappointment at Soifon's surrender. And it was to Urahara Kisuke to boot!
Rage ran through her form then; she would never accept a defeat from Urahara Kisuke, even when faced by this ultimate evil! She also realized that Yoruichi-sama was depending on her since sooner or later she would need to be helped like this also. She would rather learn and prefect her technique on Urahara Kisuke and proudly show Yoruichi-sama what she learned when the time came than learn and stumble as she performed for Yoruichi-sama.
She would do this!
Marching back to the blonde child, Soifon slammed the chopsticks down on the table and grabbed the diaper with her gloved hands, hurling the soiled garment over her shoulder before grabbing a wipe to clean excess excrement. A new diaper was quickly in place and Soifon stepped back to admire her work.
She had done it! She had managed to do it and would now make Yoruichi-sama so proud!
"I did it Yoruichi-sama!" she cried to her beloved lady as an exuberance rushed through her that she remembered from serving Yoruichi previously, usually felt whenever her lady had praised her.
She didn't even notice her terrified subordinates and fuku-taichou watching her quietly from the corner she had chained them in, Omaeda wearing the crumpled diaper on top of his head but ignoring it in favor for worrying about his poor Captain. He had never seen her act like this!