Saria: Do you need a break from modern living? Do you long to shed your weary load?
Tori: If your nerves are raw and your brain is fried, just grab a friend and take a ride together upon the open road! SA, Zas, join in!
(SA glares while Zas emphatically shakes his head no)
Saria: Do it or you'll be riding in the trunk!
Zas: (sings) All in all, I'd rather have detention. All in all, I'd rather read a tome!
SA: (glares at Saria but starts singing) An old man drives like such a klutz that I'm about to hurl my guts directly upon the open road!
Saria: Hey, I'm not old! Or male…
"TRAITOR!" Soi Fon howled as Omaeda lifted both of the bundled forms of the sleeping babies. The fat insult to the title of fuku-taichou had waited until she had momentarily let her guard down after she had successfully tended to the needs of Yoruichi-sama before he had jumped her and used her own belt to tie her arms behind her back.
"You're cracking Taichou!" he argued as he turned towards the door. "I've never seen you so close to crying or giving up on something as you were several minutes ago when Yoruichi got the hiccups!"
Soi Fon shook her head emphatically. "Yoruichi-sama could have been upset by them! What if they kept her from eating?!"
Omeada sighed as he stepped out of the door as his Captain continued to yell at him to bring Yoruichi-sama back. Some people were good with kids and some like his taichou shouldn't be within 100 yards of them.
Now, who to dump the twin terrors on? They needed to be of reasonable constitution and capable of withstanding the wrath of his taichou… Kyouraku! Wait, no, that guy would just get drunk and Soi Fon-taichou could just walk in and out with the kids.
Ukitake-taichou was sick today and even he wasn't cruel enough to take them to Kuchiki-taichou. If he took them to Kurotsuchi-taichou then Soi Fon-taichou would skin him for certain!
"Out for a walk with the children?" a sweet voice asked from behind him and Omaeda jumped as he swiveled around to face the speaker.
"U-U-Unohana-taichou!" he gasped in relief.
"Fresh air is good for them but I really should get to their check-ups," the captain continued evenly as she stepped past him towards the main office where Omaeda prayed Soi Fon-taichou was still struggling.
"Is there something the matter, Omaeda-fukutaichou?" The healer's voice remained sweet but contained a hidden edge that instantly had the man sweating.
"Uh-uh… Soi Fon-taichou is… Tied up with important business! She needed time away from the brats!"
"Oh, already? Well then shall we move this to the Squad 4 headquarters?" Unohana's expression didn't really change but when she spoke the edge was no longer present in her voice and Omaeda almost cried in relief.
Unohana led the way to her squad's main hospital building, even going so far as to relieve him of the burden of Yoruichi while in route as his arms began to ache a bit.
Finally the gates for the Fourth Division came into view and right as Omaeda thought they would make it, the feral roar sounded behind them.
Soi Fon Taichou was in full battle mode, obviously intending to take back Yoruichi by force. Her white haori was off and she currently wore the sleeveless and backless uniform top for the Commander of the Onmitsukidō. Her reiatsu rose exponentially and lashed out in violent waves.
"Omaeda-san," Unohana-taichou said politely. "What sort of business was Soi Fon-taichou tied up with?"
"Surrender Yoruichi-sama!" the crazed woman screamed as she rushed the two.
Omaeda resorted to a tried and true method of dealing with problems then: he screamed before turning and running full tilt towards the Fourth Division Head building. Or tried to since Unohana-taichou decided to reach up and grab his belt before he could get more than a step in that direction.
"If you're going into my division's headquarters then please take Yoruichi-chan with you. I don't want her to get too much sun."
Omaeda took one look at the building, then the offered baby, then at Soi Fon's approaching form before grabbing the child and high tailing it as he was released.
"Now now Soi Fon, no need to get violent." Unohana's gentle voice had regained the terrifying edge that it had before and Omaeda moved as though there was a fire under his pants. The nurse that met him at the door didn't stand a chance as he barreled over her and well into the lobby, turning into the second hall before coming to a screeching stop.
As he leaned against the wall, gasping at having such a close call, Omaeda failed to notice the approach of one of the squad members.
"Excuse me," a tired sounding voice said from behind the fuku-taicho who screamed loudly before wheeling around to face an average, timid looking man who began to promptly apologize.
"Never mind that!" Omaeda practically screamed before it occurred to him that in case Soi Fon-taichou got around Unohana here was the perfect way to at least temporarily circumvent the woman's rage. "These kids have a checkup with Unohana-taichou, make sure they get there!"
The plain guy gaped slightly then seemed to attempt to protest as the two babies were shoved into his arms. And before he could mount a real protest Omaeda took off down the hall, leaping out a window that faced away from the entry gate.
"But what am I supposed to do?!" Hanataro finally managed to yell after the large man.
"You can bring the specimens to the exam room," a horrific voice stated from behind Hanataro and the meek man eeped as he spun around to meet Kurotsuchi-taichou.
"Ah ah! Wh-what are you d-doing here?" Hanataro tried to demand in a strong voice but knew he failed spectacularly.
"I've been working with the compound that turned these two into infants. It was an exceedingly simple solution and I do believe that I have a means to reverse this."
The taichou's grin was excessively creepy and Hanataro slowly began to back away, especially as it sank in that Kurotsuchi intended to run experiments on innocent children!
"Nemu! Bring them along you useless girl!"
Hanataro had been almost ready to run when the arms of the fuku-taichou of the twelfth division circled him, trapping him then forcing him down the hall after Kurotsuchi.
"L-let go! They're ju-just kids!" the timid man argued as he was forced along. "Unohana-taichou! Isane-fuku-taichou! HELP!"
Neither woman answered his cries for help and he was dragged into an exam room. The medic held onto the children as the deranged scientist checked the exam table.
"No restraints, what a shame!" Yellow teeth were clearly visible as the madman clenched them. "Nemu, keep a firm grip on him and alert me if you feel anyone approaching!"
"Yes Mayuri-sama," the blank woman replied as her grip on the small male tightened as Kurotsuchi approached and glanced at the kids before attempting to extract the blond child from Hanataro's arms. "We shall start with Urahara Kisuke then! Make sure he doesn't get away with Yoruichi."
"Urahara Kisuke and Yoruichi?!" Hanataro finally looked down at the children and studied their features. "HOLY SHIT! URAHARA KISUKE AND SHIHOUIN YORUICHI HAD KIDS!"
Kurotsuchi made no reply, choosing only to harrumph in derision as he took that small child to the exam table then contemplated the space he had available.
"I'll take them both now, this won't take long," the blue haired taichou finally announced.
"No! Those two will kill us if you mutate their kids!" Hanataro protested as he attempted to shield the baby named Yoruichi.
Now the madman just grinned at him. "Or perhaps they'll thank us for what I'm about to do."
"NO!" the medic screamed as the child was taken from him and carried to the table. "SOMEONE HELP!"
Hanataro's screams became more desperate as the second infant was set next to the first and he began to fight Nemu's hold as the madman pulled out a small case from the sleeve of his haori. His eyes felt like they were ready to pop out of his head when he saw the demented taichou remove two syringes.
"STOP IT!" Hanataro screamed once more.
"Shut up you foolish boy! I will deal with you in a few minutes."
"Deal with who Kurotsuchi-taichou?"
The calm and sweet voice of Unohana sounded like the song of an angel on Hanataro's ears and he sighed in relief as she entered the examination room.
"Surely you didn't intend to start without me?"
Hanataro's heart had begun to calm with the presence of his taichou but now it went into overdrive.
"Start?! You're going to let him go through with this?!"
"Nemu-chan, would you mind letting Hanataro go?" Unohana smiled gently at the girl who glanced to Kurotsuchi who only waved his hand at her without turning his head. Taking that as consent, she slowly relaxed her grip and steadied the Fourth Division member.
"Let me see those," Unohana ordered Kurotsuchi who huffed then scrounged around in the pocket of his haori and pulled out another case that he passed to the other taichou.
Hanataro saw what was happening now. Unohana was trying to save the children but knew that she first had to remove the dangerous chemicals from Kurotsuchi's immediate grasp. How incredibly brave his taichou was and he could be as well!
Finally pushing himself away from Nemu, Hanataro saw the opening that his taichou had been trying to create and took it. His zanpakuto was near useless at fighting but spectacular at healing, and Kurotsuchi had been filling his body with false parts and upgrades. If he healed his natural bits then he could seriously impair the evil man of science!
"Hisagomaru!" Hanataro declared as he drew his blade and slapped it across where Kurotsuchi's ear should have been.
The effect was immediate, Kurotsuchi screaming as he grabbed at his ear as blood began to drip from it as new tissues began to form. Seeing another opportunity, Hanataro slashed his healing zanpakutou over the man's arm and watched as new tissues began to form and blood streamed down from various pockets that Kurotsuchi had obviously given himself.
"YOU BITCH!" Kurotsuchi screamed as he leveled his eyes on Hanataro. "Undoing all my hard work! Now I have to start over!"
The madman took a step forward, looking incredibly intimidating before he blinked and glanced at his newly healed arm then felt around his renewed ear.
"Start over… I can make myself BETTER!"
Hanataro blinked in confusion. He had actually expected to be running for his life now rather than having Kurotsuchi take a thoughtful stance, obviously thinking deeply before turning his eyes back to the medic.
"Heal my other ear."
Hanataro stared blankly now until Kurotsuchi grabbed his sword.
"I said heal my other ear! If I start over it will be in total!" the madman screamed and in fear, Hanataro swung his blade automatically and stared as Mayuri's other ear began to leak blood. "Very well, Nemu let's go."
Hanataro sighed in relief as the madman left, both ears now dripping blood.
"I shall be making use of that one again!" Kurotsuchi called through the door and Hanataro jumped in panic before turning to where is taichou still hovered over the children.
"That was very nice but you might want to wait until the patient is ready next time," Unohana-taichou stated as she set down an empty syringe next to another empty needle. "And I'm sure Urahara-san and Shihouin-san will be thankful that you were able to get my attention in time. Now you might want to leave before your zanpakuto explodes."
"Huh?!" Looking at his blade, Hanataro's eyes went wide as he realized that his sword had indeed shifted into Akeiro Hisagomaru. "AAHHH!"
Turning, Hanataro raced out of the room, down the hall, and out the front doors of the building, passing Kurotsuchi in his quest to get to an open area. He was just passing the gates to leave the division when he had the misfortune of running into someone and his sword fired out of reflex.
"Sorry, sorry!" Hanataro declared before a large hand grabbed him as he turned to return to the division.
"Oi, that was some attack!"
Terror ran through Hanataro as he looked back and found he was being held up by none other than Zaraki Kenpachi.
"Yes yes, it is surprising what his zanpakuto can do," Kurotsuchi stated as he walked past the pair. "Because of him I shall be able to go ahead with various upgrades I've wanted to try."
Zaraki stared at his fellow Captain who was still bleeding profusely from both ears and one arm before grinning at Hanataro.
"I like ya already! What say we have some fun?" Zaraki's grin was horrifying as he reached for his zanpakuto.
Ichigo breathed more easily as he left the Tres Cifras area then considered what had been dumped on him. He realized that this could be considered important but he had no intent to spend the rest of his day watching a toddler.
"So who is available?" he wondered aloud as he stared at the kid who blinked at him flatly.
Tousen already had one kid, Zommari could outrun him, and he didn't want his mom around a little kid for some reason or another. Father might be okay but he was probably busy and Szayel had proven himself faster than Ichigo ever gave him credit for being. Didn't Yami like these types of personality? Ulquiorra sure-
Ichigo could have slapped himself. Ulquiorra was the perfect person to hand this kid off to! He was a responsible killjoy that would probably LOVE being around the personality type that this kid was displaying.
Taking off with shunpo the orange haired teen rushed towards the corridor that Yami and Ulquiorra shared. The toddler he carried though immediately began to squawk and shout, scratching at Ichigo's arms angrily.
"Ow ow! Stop that!" Slowing down to just a run, Ichigo glared at the brat. "Fine, we'll go the slow way."
It took almost ten minutes to run to the hall after that due to the fact that Orra-chan screamed at him if he went too fast.
"Damn brat," Ichigo grumbled as he finally entered the corridor. "What do you have against a little speed?"
A gruff laugh behind Ichigo caused him to turn to be face-to-waist with Yami.
"So the brat don't like it when ya go fast? Ulquiorra's the same way! He can use sonido just fine in fights an' when he wants ta get somewhere but try ta make him do it regularly? Like pullin' teeth!"
At this point the orange haired teen was convinced that Ulquiorra and Orra-chan were perfect for one another. Marching up to the Cuatro's door, he twisted the knob and was pleased when it turned easily and the door swung open but there was no emo-car there to greet him.
"Yami, where's Ulquiorra?"
"Something happened. Medical center last I remembered," the giant replied as he scratched his head.
Groaning, Ichigo glanced down at the kid then to Yami. "Would you give this to him when he gets back?"
"Thanks!" Ichigo shoved the kid into Yami's oversized hands then and raced off. Yami blinked stupidly at his new charge then shrugged, this was just until Ulquiorra got back anyway.
"How 'bout a sundae?" he asked as his stomach rumbled. He remembered that the brat liked those a lot so it stood to reason that this one did too.
It took several hours for Tousen to slowly work his way out of the bonds that Gin had placed on him and Grimmjow had gotten bored with the paints and crayons fast. The blind former captain was not at all surprised that the toddler started to branch out from the papers within minutes and had begun drawing on anything he could and Gin did nothing to stop him.
"Aizen-sama will be upset," Tousen tried to reason with the man only for Gin to wave him off.
"I'm Head Decorator here so there's no problem!"
"But what about this is constructive for his development?!"
"Hmmm…" Gin glanced around at the mess and seemed to consider it. "He's learnin' to express himself in ways that don't involve fightin' or stealin' my underwear!"
"Yeah, Grimm-kitty used ta sneak inta my room when he was big and steal my underwear. Narrowed down the cause to him either lookin' fer candy or havin' a fetish. Beginning ta think it was the candy since I was missin' it after."
Tousen gaped at the silver haired man who paid his disgust no mind as he continued.
"Course might not be Grimm-kitty's fault. Kids that ain't treated right tend ta be a bit weird."
Seeing a possible opening that he could use to get away with the innocent child, Tousen decided to play along. "What do you mean treated right?"
"Ya know, treated right! Like someone beats 'em or touches 'em wrong… Might 'splain some o' Grimmy's past behavior." Gin paced the room a moment as Tousen edged towards the bored looking child. "Maybe Ulquiorra wasn't treated so good either, tha' one's weirder than anythin'. Who's watchin' 'im anyway?"
"Ichigo," Tousen replied as his foot tapped Grimmjow's leg.
"Alrighty then! Ichi-chan ain't gonna make 'im any worse! But what'dya wanna do with Grimm-kitty Tousen-san?"
'Get him out of here and under proper supervision,' Tousen thought as shivers raised up and down his spine at the thought of what Grimmjow must have gone through during his first childhood. If what Gin had suggested was true then he was beginning to understand the violent, arrogant scamp a bit better.
"Perhaps take him for lunch?" the blind former Captain suggested after a moment of thought.
"Oh! That should be fun!" Gin sounded positively giddy. "I'm sure Grimm-kitty would love a saucer o' milk!"
Yami ambled into the kitchen with the new brat in hand, surprising and scaring a number of the low level arrancar when they noticed the two. Yami coming in here was no surprise; he regularly came to the kitchens, sometimes as many as five times a day, killed one or two of the staff and then left with whatever he wanted. All of them remembered the fiasco that occurred the last time he had a child with him.
"Oi! Who're you staring at?" the Espada demanded to the staff in general as he set the kid on the counter next to the freezer then grabbed two tubs of ice cream from the appliance. He set the tubs down on the counter and began to hunt for the condiments right as Tousen, Gin, and a certain blue haired tot entered the room.
"Wow! Lookie who's here Grimm-kitty!" Gin stated loudly as he pointed at Ulquiorra. "It's yur friend!"
Tousen felt ice shoot up his spine as he realized just who had to be present though there was the possibility now of taking Grimmjow while Gin busied himself over Ulquiorra.
Yami glanced back at them and jumped slightly when he spied Gin then glanced around for a possible escape route. Gin wasn't having that though as he approached the Espada with Grimmjow. He settled the blue haired toddler next to the mini-bat on the counter as he stood by the obviously uncomfortable Espada.
"Makin' sundaes?" Gin chided as his eyes seemed to momentarily settle on the ice cream the Espada had pulled out. "Ya know how Aizen-taichou feels 'bout those!"
Yami blinked before a groan left his mouth as he remembered the fiasco Gin had caused while making sundaes with a chibi in the past.
"Course he ain't ever said nothin' 'bout cookies!"
Now the Tenth Espada's eyes widened in joy and anticipation. "Cookies! Lucky!" he crowed before tossing the tubs of ice cream back into the freezer.
Tousen felt his lips twitch at the joyful sound even as he became a bit concerned as Gin ordered Yami to pull out cookie sheets and bowls as he gathered ingredients.
"Shouldn't you clear this with Aizen-sama?" Tousen asked even as he relaxed a bit since nothing too traumatizing could happen from making cookies, right?
Gin waved him off. "I'm event planner fer Las Noches, remember? I say it's cookie day!"
"With him!" Yami declared as he set two cookie sheets next to the bowl that Gin had already measured flour into. "And the brats?"
Gin glanced at the toddlers and grinned when he saw Grimm steal a chocolate chip.
"Get some cookie cutters," he finally decided. "We kin work 'em too!" He added eggs and sugar to the batter.
Yami caused several heart attacks amongst the staff as he raced over to them and demanded cookie cutters but did return within two minutes and without causing any casualties. He and Tousen then picked through the cutters before each selected one for the children. Tousen chose a duck for Grimmjow and Yami gave Ulquiorra a heart. Both children regarded their cutters for a moment before Grimm started to gnaw on his and Ulquiorra seemed to lose interest and instead watched Gin roll out the dough into two sheets.
"Righty-o, ready ya two?" Gin asked with a grin as he grabbed a cookie cutter himself, a star in his case, and pressed it into the dough for each child. "This's what ya do!" he instructed and Ulquiorra studied his movements while Grimm-kitty made whooshing sounds as he played with his cutter. "So get to it!"
Ulquiorra immediately began stamping his cutter on his circle of dough, brow furrowed as he attempted to make as straight a row as he could. Grimmjow noticed by the time he had made a row of three before noticing his own dough and happily slapped his cutter over the dough, paying no mind to the notion of rows, overlapping cuts more than once before turning his attention to Ulquiorra's neat and still mostly intact dough since the other toddler had only started on his second row.
Taking aim at what seemed to be the center of the unmarked area of the dough, the blue haired troublemaker slapped his cutter down hard, earning a squawk from the other child.
Ulquiorra had been focused completely on what he was doing and not noticed Grimmjow's actions until he was staring at the large duck that had been cut into his otherwise pristine dough and he sniffled slightly at seeing his work ruined.
The blue toddler heard the sniff but paid it no mind as he struck again and cut another duck into the dough, halfway overlapping with his first one. His second cut was to be his last though as a pale hand swept in front of him, grabbed a handful of his dough, then shoved it into his face.
Grimmjow sputtered and yowled angrily, causing some of the dough to enter his mouth.
"Eh… nom… YUM!" the toddler shrieked and grabbed a double handful of his dough and shoved it into his mouth.
Beside him, Ulquiorra's eyes twitched a bit as did his tail as he watched the other eat the dough. Reaching for one of his stars, he brought it to his mouth to see if this really tasted that good.
"Blegh! Yuck!" Yami yelled when he saw the kitty toddler eating the cookie dough. "Aizen-sama always said not to eat uncooked things!"
"Now now Grimm-kitty, save some for cooking!" Gin chided as he tried to save as many of the ducks as he could.
"Nom!" Grimmjow replied as he slashed a tiny clawed hand over Gin's hand in an attempt to retrieve some of the cookie dough.
"Chocolate chip cookie dough is what you're supposed to eat raw!" Gin continued as he turned to collect Ulquiorra's painstakingly cut stars. He was met with an angry bat toddler who seemed intent to defend his cookies. The baby's tail and wings whipped wildly in agitation as Gin's hand whipped around his form; collecting a large number of the uncooked cookies though the toddler was successful in defending almost a third of his cookies, especially after his sharp teeth dug into two of the silver haired man's fingers.
As this was going on, Tousen cleaned up the area in front of Grimmjow and tried to wipe his face clean using a washcloth. The child howled as the last morsels of his snack were taken and huffed angrily, his little tail puffing.
"Cookies…" Yami murmured in a trance-like voice as he watched Gin arrange the confections on cookie sheets for baking.
"Yep!" Gin replied as he popped the baking sheets into the oven, earning a shriek from Grimmjow. "I'll get the glasses so ya can have a glass o' milk with yur cookies."
Gin then turned to one of the cupboards and began to pull out the nice dishware and Tousen marched over angrily.
"Children shouldn't be given actual glass!" he snapped as he reached for the next cabinet over and pulled it open to pull out several plastic cups.
"Those ain't as fun though! Can't see cookies gettin' dipped!"
Neither of the toddlers paid any attention to them as Ulquiorra still had a number of his raw cookies. The bat toddler savored the squishy treats for a moment before glancing at Grimmjow. The other toddler glowered angrily at the other before his eyes glanced at the soft sweets and after a moment of thought, Ulquiorra moved slightly so the other could take one.
Grimmjow's eyes widened before he jumped the few feet that divided them and eagerly grabbed a handful of the gooey snacks. Ulquiorra was almost full anyway and saw no reason to complain. That changed when the other grabbed at the treat in his hand.
"Ba! No!" Ulquiorra yelled as the pushed something at him then blinked at what he saw. The blue one was dipping his hand into a bag, pulling out some of its contents, and mashing them into his portion of the treats. Looking at the treat he was holding, the bat child found that there seemed to be chocolate chips on his snack.
Maybe it would have tasted fine like this; maybe he might have even liked it. But that would come later as the child's eyes angrily flashed. Shrieking, the bat child launched himself at the other, treat still in hand and sent both of them skidding across the kitchen counter.
Grimmjow laughed merrily as his own hands reached up and pushed at his new friend as they rolled across the counter. Both noticed the oncoming edge and stopped their roll before Grimmjow switched directions and rolled them back the way they came.
Any crime was forgotten at that moment and Ulquiorra even giggled a bit before he forced them into a new direction only for Grimmjow's tail to hit something and knock it over. Neither child cared though until Ulquiorra's hand swept through the powder then hit Grimmjow's chest, leaving a white mark.
Both children stared at it for a moment before Grimmjow started laughing and rolling in the substance before grabbing Ulquiorra and the wrestling match was back on for a minute before two hands grabbed and separated them.
"Now they need a bath!"
Tousen wondered if he should just go and request that Aizen have Gin locked in the dungeons considering how gleeful he sounded.