I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Well, I was on the RENT fanfictions and I saw the User's Guide to Your New Bohemian! By xRajahx and thought, "What if I made this into a Newsies User's guide?" And so in two and a half hours I made this!!!

So, I don't own this idea. I have no idea who it belongs to, I'm giving xRajahx credit for inspiring me, as they were inspired by someone else. I don't even own Newsies...I REALLY want a NEWSIES Unit now. (emo sigh)

First up is Jack! Review to tell me who you want next!









You now have a brand new, life sized, JACK unit. We thank you for your purchase and hope for you to be buying more NEWSIES units from us in the near future. To enjoy your JACK unit to the greatest pleasure please follow the simple instructions which we have provided in all languages, (sarcasm included)


Name: Jack Kelly/Francis Sullvian

Type: Human Being (Male)

Manufacturing Company: Santa Fe Marketing Industry

Height: Six feet

Controls: Your JACK unit has been programmed to be voice activated. Only your JACK unit is stubborn and his thoughts may only be swayed by the DAVID unit or the SARAH unit.

(DAVID unit and SARAH unit sold seperatly)


Your JACK unit comes with the following, with no extra shipping fees-

Cowboy hat- Your JACK unit is called Cowboy by some of the other NEWSIES. To be a true cowboy he has to have a cowboy hat.

(Cowboy hat-Color selection black. One size fits all.)

Red Bandana- Your JACK unit comes with a red bandana that is always around his neck. Even in jail.

Clothing- Your JACK unit comes dressed in a pair of dark SLACKS, a greyish SHIRT, SUSPENDERS, pinstripe VEST and SHOES. He also wears a pair of LONG-JOHNS underneath it all. There is also included a blue and white striped SHIRT, where nobody knows where it came from (see F.A.Q. section) A black JACKET for when your JACK unit goes to Irving Hall and a grey JACKET with matching pants, cabby hat and white shirt for when your JACK unit turns scab. (Please see troubleshooting section if this happens.)

(Note-Only take off clothes for CLEANING PURPOSES ONLY. Even when your JACK unit is around SARAH unit.)

If easily jealous do not let JACK unit around SARAH unit.


Your JACK unit is created to be user-friendly and a leader.

Leader- Your JACK unit is a natural born leader. He will lead you in anything, such as a strike or even just a simple trip to the grocery store.

Easy to Look At- Your JACK unit is a very attractive unit. Feel free to swoon at your JACK unit for hours.

Note: If your JACK unit turns red, gets sweaty and his hair has lost its bounce and shine please see troubleshooting section or bathe your JACK unit.

Dreamer- Your JACK unit is a dreamer for hours on end. He even sings a song about his dreams, let JACK have his dreams or he will strike against you. (See troubleshooting information if this happens.)

Note: When you let your JACK unit dream he will perform a song and dance number in the streets (Called SANTA FE). Follow him to make sure nobody shoots him and to make sure the bulls aren't called.

Buisnessman- Need to sell that couch? Want to get a good bargain? Then let your JACK unit front for you. With his irresistable charm and charisma he will be able to sell or get anything for you.


Yes your JACK unit needs to be cleaned every once in awhile. Your JACK unit is used to a cold bath with a cheap bar of yellow soap. However, if you want your JACK unit to love you anymore we recomend a hot bath/shower with expensive soap. (Scent is optional to your personal taste.)


Jacky just got laid, is that a problem?

A. If your JACK unit has just got laid do not worry as it is a joke between JACK and the NEWSIES units. However if you have left your JACK unit and your SARAH unit alone too long this is a problem. Seperate your JACK unit and SARAH unit.

Q. Jack is singing about Santa Fe, is that a good thing?

A. Well, it depends. If you like listening to your JACK unit sing about his dreams then he will be happy to sing and do a little dance in the street for you (as seen in OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS) its a good thing. If you don't, suck it up or buy the I'M-SO-SICK-OF-SANTA-FE-RIGHT-NOW pill. More known as ISSOSFRW. You can buy the pill by calling 1-800-NEWSIES and asking for Bob.

See LAST NOTE section for health issues and side effects by taking this pill.

Q. My Jack is bored and lonely.

A. We recomend to buy one of our DAVID, RACETRACK, KID BLINK, MUSH, SKITTERY OR OTHER NEWSIE/NEWSIE FRIEND units. They are easy to buy for just three easy payments of $19.95!!!

Q. Why is Jack smirking at me?

A. Jack has a slight ego problem and smirks a lot. If you don't like it then you can send him back for a 25 refund.


Santa Fe Marketing Industry is NOT responsible for your JACK's problems. We just make them. For some slight problems a cookie and a hug will make your JACK shut up for a bit. If they don't please see the following-

Problem- My Jack won't sing for me.

Solution- Your JACK unit is probably alone and its not at night. Your JACK unit will only sing at night or when he's with the NEWSIES.

Note: NEWSIES units sold seperatly.

Problem- My Jack got arrested!

Solution- First, DO NOT go bail him as he will yell at you and then sing a reprise of his song (Santa Fe). Let him turn scab and then switch him from SCAB to NEWSIE. (When JACK unit turns scab he will have a nifty outfit to wear see ACCESORIES for more information.)

Note: The switch to turn him from different things is on his back.

Problem- My Jack is lying to me!

Solution- Yes, that is an issue with our darling JACK unit. He is hiding from the bulls (police) so he has a different name, his real name is FRANCIS SULLIVAN. But seriously that's a pansy name so his new name is JACK KELLY. His father is in jail and his mother is dead. (Why JACK unit has so many problems right now.) The JACK unit is secretly emo and needs lots of hugs and cookies. JACK will occasionaly lie to you, when you find out his lies (in court or someplace else) put on a sad face. Then JACK will realize his faults and turn good again. If accompied by NEWSIES/NEWSIE FRIENDS they will sing a song and JACK will have ANOTHER nice outfit to wear (see ACCESSORIES for more information)


Solution- Yes, your JACK unit will leave to go to Santa Fe. Do not fret, chase after him turn the switch from DREAMER to LEADER and then go about on your happy lives while dancing in the streets.

Problem-Why is my Jack all sweaty?

Solution- Your JACK unit will occasionaly turn red and sweaty and his hair will lose the natural bounce and shine it has. If your JACK unit does that then bathe him or keep him away from the MEDDA unit. JACK units turn red and sweaty when they see MEDDA. Its a glitch we're still working on.


We thank your for buying your JACK unit and hope you two have a happy life together. Contact us at 1-800-NEWSIES if you'd like to buy another NEWSIE UNIT. Buy one NEWSIE unit get another HALF PRICE! Enjoy your JACK unit!

The ISSOSFRN pill is available for ONE easy payment of $29.99!!! Side effects may include itching, nausea, heartburn, vomiting, lack of sleep, swelling, unexpected bleeding, cramps, bloating, fatigue, calling out 'Bob' randomly, spastic body limbs and Restless Leg Syndrome. Do not take if you are nursing, pregnant, a Newsies fan or may become pregnant. says really really fast The ISSOSFRN pill doesn't work, in fact its a sin to hate the song Santa Fe or any song in Newsies. If you hated the song Santa Fe then please send back your JACK unit for a 25 refund. We get to keep the other 75 to buy candy and teddy bears for our amusement.

Well now I'm not bored anymore and I really want a Jack unit now. Review to let me know what you think, who you want next or if I should never write again. Thanks!