▫ộ»I solemnly swear I am up to no good «ộ▫

Disclaimer: I does not own. I does not want to. Would be shite if I owned. XD

This… is quite possibly the most pointless, cliché short piece of OOC crap I've ever written. ENJOY, cuz it was intentional! XD (Empy-chan got bored… see ending A/N)

TIMELINE: Could be considered an alternate DH ending, though there are many, many inconsistencies. But hey, this is a parody, I can get away with it, right? -shifty eyes-

WARNINGS: PARODY, could be taken offensively towards JKRs work, but I honestly don't mean it that way. There's a reason she's published and I'm writing fanfiction. -wink- Also a warning for a mention of MPREG, but that's all in the parody, loves.




Harry wiped at his face for the twelfth time, only managing to give himself a new smear of dirt on his sweat-streaked face. He was hot despite the chilled winter air, he was exhausted, and the battle was still raging around him.

Light versus Dark. Good versus Evil. Savior versus Villain.

Pretty versus Ugly.

It was all very storybook, in Harry's opinion, and his eyes were dispassionate as he took in the carnage.

Deaths were rife on both sides; Harry thought that the entire front lawn would smell something awful by mid afternoon, and hoped to Merlin that the battle would be concluded by that point. Still he could see the bright flashes of curse after curse being volleyed between the factions, the Unforgivables no longer so taboo as they had been even only months prior.

Harry was obviously not standing still during his soliloquy, dodging neatly between corpses and trying not to be hit by whatever nasty thing the Death Eaters were shooting at him. His bright eyes sought out the figure he knew was hiding somewhere nearby. This battle was too important to leave to Death Eaters alone, after all.

This battle would decide the outcome of the war.

"It's up to you now, Harry."

Harry paused in his thoughts to look at the girl who had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. Ginny stood tall, auburn hair falling over her shoulders and a determined glint in her eyes. The girl who had so filled his thoughts for the last year and a half, despite his lack of any real knowledge about her.

Harry turned away and scanned the battlefield for the one person who could end this.

Finally Harry spotted him, regally posed on a knoll near the lake. He fought his way towards the reptilian man with fervor, firing off curses and hexes rapidly towards whomever he saw. He had his goal in mind, and it didn't matter to him whether he shot down Death Eaters or Order members… this was more important than anything else. He noticed the eyes that fell on him as he approached his nemesis, the attention of most of the battlefield suddenly centering on the two powerful wizards. Their own duels still went on, but only half their attention was on it at any time.

This final conflict was too important.

Would Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, manage to fulfill the prophecy that named him the only one capable of destroying the Dark Lord? Or would He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named triumph, throwing the Wizarding world into despair and darkness?

The two arch-nemesis' faced off, faces blank of emotion as they held their wands steadily pointed at the other. This was the moment of truth. The spectators gave up all pretences of fighting and gathered around them, Death Eaters, Aurors, and Order of the Phoenix members alike. They awaited the words that were sure to come, the banter that was present at every meeting of these two powerful men.

"How goes things, Tom?"

So perhaps that hadn't been what they'd expected.

"A bit redundant and interminable, honestly. Don't you agree, Harry?"

Again the audience held their breaths, trying to understand what was happening before them.

Harry Potter walked forward, wand never wavering, "What say you we end this, then?"

"A good idea, I'd think."

Harry had brought himself as close as possible with his wand outstretched, the opposing yet similar wands pressing lightly into their opponents' chest, "Then why aren't you doing anything about it?"

That was all it took, and suddenly at least a dozen people fainted as the Dark Lord raised his wand higher only to use his arm to shove the Boy-Who-Lived's wand downward, taking the final distance between them and claiming the younger man's lips in a vicious kiss. People were too shocked to even gasp, too stunned to move. Harry's arms wound around the older man's neck as he returned the kiss with passion, fists clenching in Voldemort's robes to hold him against him.

As the two broke apart, heavy panting breaths condensing between them, the first shocked murmurs ripped through the crowd. They were ignored by both men who were a part of the spectacle, Harry fingers now moving to curl around Voldemort's neck, "Oh, and Tom?"

"Yes, Harry?" Voldemort purred, moving his lips to trail kisses across the jaw and neck of the younger man in front of him, utterly uncaring of their audience.

"I'm pregnant."

Those people who had been taking part in the Final Battle were party to the rarest of rare events -- the Dark Lord Voldemort, feared tyrant, megalomaniac, and sociopath, fainted dead away, only Harry Potter's arms keeping him off the ground.

"Oh bugger. Tom? Tom! I was joking, Tom. Oh, bloody hell."

And then both were gone, the crack of Disapparition echoing dully across the Hogwarts grounds.

No one moved from that field for a very long time, and even once they did not a one could say exactly what the outcome of the war was.

All they did know is that many of them needed serious mental scans after that day… just to be sure they were still sane.


A/N: This is something I'd wanted to write since reading DH… if Jo can give us a fanfiction ending, I can make a SLASHY fanfiction alternate ending, damnit all.

When inspiration was rife I decided to go for it in celebration of Paraselenic reaching the big 1,000 in reviews. Thank you to all of you who are readers of it, I feel so loved.

Sorry for inflicting this on you. XD xoxo It was initially meant to be far more serious, even as recently as an hour ago… and it turned into a parody. Wow. Apologies. XD

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