Hey everybody, do you want to find out what happened to the Smashers after they were cornered by Primids after finding out the identities of the Ancient Minister and the Overlord? You do? Well, here's a whole bunch of chapters putting the spotlight on the Assist Trophies' story! Hooray!
Chapter 55: Golden Fun
"Now this is more like it!" beamed Goroh excitedly. "Great idea coming here, Ray! And a stellar job sussing out that map, Jeff!"
"Um, thank you?" suggested Jeff, confused.
"Excuse me, Samurai Goroh?" asked Isaac. "It was actually me who you made check the map. Maybe you forgot, I don't know."
"No, I'm sure I didn't," replied Goroh coldly.
"Oh...was there anything else I did to help?" asked Isaac.
"You went and spied on that Waluigi guy for us," replied Jeff. "It was a waste of time."
"Was he planning anything, by the way?" asked Goroh.
"Can't remember," shrugged Jeff.
"I don't remember Isaac even doing that," admitted Goroh. "So good job, I guess."
"Didn't the map I took credit for using almost kill him?" asked Jeff.
"Don't remember," said Goroh. "Ah well, I'm sure one day he'll do something useful. That I remember, anyway."
"Well, at least our efforts got us a means of transportation," said Jeff. "I bet this thing will come in handy!"
"Let's take it out for a little spin!" grinned Goroh.
Samurai Goroh hopped on the skiff and immediately began messing around with the controls. Isaac, who had been speechlessly stuttering behind the previous conversation, looked apprehensively at the mechanical arm on the back of the skiff.
"What's this giant arm for?" asked Isaac, as Goroh swung the arm inches from his face.
"We're in Subspace, and there's stuff floating everywhere," shrugged Goroh. "I suppose that means we can grab things with it. Like a real arm. Duh."
"Cool, it's like a skill crane," smiled Jeff.
"Correct," said Ray. "Thievery is a highly underrated weapon that nobody understands."
"That's nice and everything," said Isaac. "But I'd be more comfortable standing away from the giant robot arm."
"Nobody needs you anyway!" snarled Goroh, still playing with the controls. "I can pick a new Assist Trophy out of that floating cluster!"
Thinking to himself that any Assist Trophy would make better company than Isaac, Jeff or Goroh, Ray scanned the cluster for trophies. Identifying several, he transmitted their positions to Goroh using the very advanced technique of shouting co-ordinates nobody understood to him.
The arm immediately lurched into the group of items and smashed an Assist Trophy. Out popped-
"Hello everyone, how can I help?" asked a second Isaac.
"You can't make this stuff up," sighed Jeff.
"Not to worry, Jeff!" smiled Goroh. "I bet this arm can pack a serious wallop! Hey, Isaac number two! Heads up!"
"Certainly, sir!" grinned the second Isaac.
"I mean, if I can shoot this arm forwards at high enough speeds, it could have the force of a giant bullet!" Goroh wildly improvised. "Or at least a small train! Look at this!"
The arm cleaved the air as it shot forwards, coming to rest halfway through the second Isaac's spine. Blood spurted everywhere as Isaac's copy made horrible gurgling noises and died in a way so graphic that I just hope allows pictures to be clipped to stories. It looked something like this:
Nasty, I know.
"See?" asked Goroh, almost dancing with glee. "How badass is that for a weapon?"
"Whoa," said Jeff softly, mesmerised.
"Now I just have to spend a covert twenty seconds reeling the arm back in," said Goroh reverently, slowly coaxing the arm back to its previous position.
"Astonishi-wait, what?" asked Jeff, seeing a problem.
"Ray, are there any other Assist Trophies up there?" asked Goroh, pants-wettingly excited.
"Immeasurable amounts," replied Ray.
"Who's that over there?" asked Isaac, fearfully pointing in a direction nobody was looking at.
"Shut up, Isaac," barked Goroh. "We're fortifying our new transport over here! Jeff, I bet you fifty bucks I get this next one in the crotch."
A third Isaac appeared and grinned pleasantly, so pleasant that it was in fact rather unpleasant and warranted a good beating up. Isaac number three was just one of those pleasant do-gooders that all the normal people just want out of their lives. He was intelligent to the point where you couldn't really tell if he was being polite or passive-aggressive when he corrected you, handsome to the point where you couldn't tell if stealing the girl you were chatting up was out of malice or innocence, and wealthy enough that you hated him on instinct. Also he does really stupid things like wear sunglasses inside and write tawdry fanfiction. He talks in a devilishly sexy Scottish accent and everyone wants to be him. Actually, maybe he's not so bad. Did I narrate the part where Samurai Goroh plunges a metallic hand through his pelvis at fifty miles per hour and Jeff pays him yet? That happened.
When all of Waluigi's tools (which were completely incongruent, mismatching, disconnected and redundant) had been gathered, and Waluigi himself had calmed down from a state of bizarre excitement, the purple-suited stick of insanity giggled.
"I've got everything I need right here..." grinned Waluigi serenely. "Now I can get started. Started..."
The skiff's claw ploughed through its twentieth Isaac. Blood went flying everywhere all over again.
"The big two oh!" cheered Goroh. "Okay, Ray, hand me another Isaac Assist Trophy, would you?"
"I am becoming increasingly aware that you have no intention of furthering our cause right now," said Ray. "Your primary objective has switched to senseless abuse."
"Well, I find it's best to stick with what you know," smirked Goroh, reeling in his giant metal arm.
"That's great, Goroh," sighed Jeff, rolling his eyes. "But are you honestly not seeing the disadvantage of a tethered projectile that takes twenty seconds between attacks?"
"Nope!" beamed Goroh. "If you ask me, it's the best kind of weapon!"
"Hello, my name is Isaac!" chimed in the twenty-first Isaac trophy. "How may I help you today?"
"You have a katana!" protested Jeff. "I mean, sure, it's not a projectile, but anything's better than this! In fact, there's this projectile weapon people have built called a gun, and it's way faster than this!"
"Well, I've calculated all that stuff," said Goroh, taking aim. "And I'd say a gun does fire very quickly."
"It really does," replied Jeff.
"How much faster would you say a gun is compared to this skiff arm claw thing?" asked Goroh.
"Well, you get machine guns that can fire hundreds of bullets in a few seconds," said Jeff. "And then you get this thing, which fires three times in one minute."
Goroh nodded approvingly as he killed another Isaac. He reeled in the arm in a very thoughtful way indeed. As thoughtfully as you can reel something in, anyway.
"Good point," conceded Goroh. "If this claw has anything that even sort of resembles a disadvantage, I'd say it's the rapid-fire capability."
"Guys, seriously, there's somebody else here," warned the real Isaac. "Watching us."
"Oh well, nobody's perfect," shrugged Goroh, as the arm fully retracted. "Hey, nineteen seconds! Nice!"
"Imperfection and being fatally flawed are two different gradations of error though!" spluttered Jeff indignantly. "What is your problem?"
"My problem?" fumed Goroh. "Kid, have I not been demonstrating the awesome offensive capabilities of this huge motherfucker of a metal hand? I'd stop questioning me if I were you!"
Ray decided to increase efficiency by simultaneously executing the next five iterations of his command loop. That's pretentious for "Ray threw five Assist Trophies with Isaacs in them instead of one Assist Trophy with an Isaac in it".
"Okay, okay, but when you're done, can I at least tinker a bit with it?" asked Jeff. "Who knows, I might find a way to speed up the retraction time or something!"
"Fine, then maybe Ray can figure out a way to give me more Isaacs faster!" raged Goroh.
"I gave you five," retorted Ray. "That's one hundred seconds' worth of time wasting. Are we not supposed to be determining why we're here?"
"Maybe the weird guy I saw who's approaching us right now can explain where we are and why?" suggested the real Isaac, noticing a short figure inspecting his clones.
The portly little man was wearing a jumpsuit of some kind, and he was walking with an odd wiggling gait. At a first glance, it looked like magical sparks were bursting from his fingertips, but on closer inspection it became apparent that he was actually letting glitter slip between his fingers. Isaac walked up to him, ignoring the pleasantries being offered by the other Isaacs.
"See? This guy?" asked Isaac, looking desperately to the others. "The one who doesn't look like me at all?"
"I'm sure he does," scoffed Goroh, deciding not to use the arm to kill off the real Isaac.
"I know it must be disorientating to be walking amongst yourself like that, but really," said Jeff. "Ray's been serving up nothing but Isaacs, why would he start with other people?"
"I don't think so!" protested Isaac. "I think this guy wandered over here, I don't think he's a copy!"
"Isaac, Jeff and I are trying to make this arm more efficient!" shouted Goroh. "We'd really appreciate it if you and Tingle could shut up!"
"I'm sorr-Tingle?" asked Isaac.
"Tin...gle..." wheezed Tingle.
"Who's Tingle?" asked Isaac.
"Tingle?" Jeff whispered to Goroh.
"What the heck are you?" Isaac asked Tingle.
"...Tingle..." continued Tingle.
"You're a Tingle, yes," confirmed Isaac, confused.
"Kooloo...lim...pah..." spluttered Tingle.
Tingle feebly span around on the spot and fell to the ground. The fake Isaacs all gasped and disappeared as Ray disengaged their trophies.
"I'm not sure what that is," said Isaac.
"I was sent...to come find you..." gasped Tingle. "We need help...find the others..."
"Oh wow, this sounds important," said Isaac. "We're not busy, we'll try to help! But we're going to need a little more to go on!"
"Am I the only person who remembers meeting all of the other Assist Trophies before we were reset?" chastised Goroh. "Tingle, where have you been?"
"Isaac, what did Tingle say?" asked Jeff.
"He said this Kooloo Limpah thing," replied Isaac. "Is that code?"
"Um, is that all?" asked Jeff.
"He wants us to find stuff, I think?" answered Isaac. "I don't know! I'm really confused! Erm, I guess he missed us, cause he was sent to come find us!"
"And he turned to you for help first?" scoffed Goroh. "Yeah, I think you're lying."
Isaac bit his lip. "He also said that metal arm weapon thing on our skiff looks really cool."
"Can you hear me, Tingle?" demanded Goroh at once, filled with admiration.
"Alright, the second you wake up, we're rallying and movin' out!" beamed Goroh. "Finally, an adventure!"
On my day planner, it did not say anything about writing the repeated death of the Golden Sun protagonist. Things are unpredictable. LIKE THIS STORY, AM I RIGHT naw I'm just kidding this is fanfiction and is therefore highly derivative