Author's Note: This was written pre-Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, so don't worry about any spoilers. It was written after Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, so if you haven't read that, don't read this and go read HBP, because that is a great book!
P.S. The last time I checked, I was not J. K. Rowling. As sad as this is, I do not own Harry Potter, and this is her kitchen; I'm just baking in it.
Better Wizards than You
"Harry descended the stairs, very conscious of everybody still staring at him, stowing his wand into the back pocket of his jeans as he came.
'Don't put your wand there, boy!' roared Moody. 'What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!'
'Who d'you know who's lost a buttock?' the violet-haired woman asked Mad-Eye interestedly.
'Never you mind, you just keep your wand out of your back pocket!' growled Mad-Eye. 'Elementary wand safety, nobody bothers about it anymore…' he stumped off towards the kitchen. 'And I saw that,' he added irritably, as the woman rolled her eyes at the ceiling." (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, J. K. Rowling)
Harry Potter glanced over at Mad-Eye Moody, who was humming to himself. It was Fleur and Bill's wedding, and the two wizards were both drinking, though Harry had pumpkin juice, and Moody was drinking from his hip flask.
"So, Harry, before you go off to catch Voldemort, is there any advice you'd like to ask of a retired Auror?" asked Moody, looking over at Harry, who was fiddling with his wand.
"Um," Harry said, trying his best to think of something, when his face suddenly lit up. "Who do you know that lost a buttock by sticking his wand in his back pocket?"
Moody's face suddenly went soft, as he took a trip down memory lane.
"Alastor! Alastor! Where are you going?" asked a pretty, young girl, walking up to Alastor Moody.
"I'm just off to Transfiguration, Amelia, why?" asked Alastor, smiling at her. He was very good looking, and obviously a favorite of the girls at Hogwarts.
"Well, I was just wondering if you wanted to come to the bonfire with me tonight," Amelia said nervously, staring at her shoes.
"Sure, 'Melia," he agreed, smiling a smile that took away the breath of many girls.
"Alright, it's at midnight tonight! I'll see you there!" shouted Amelia, glowing happily.
Later that night, the two were laughing and talking with all of their friends as they watched the bonfire, when one of the boys walked up to the couple.
"Hey, Alastor, want to make fireworks? I can't quite remember the incantation, but I thought that you might remember it," asked the boy.
"Sure thing, Jim," laughed Alastor, following the boy. "It'signitio."
The two boys lifted their wands and said the incantation together. Unfortunately, it didn't work. Staring at his wand, Alastor repeated the incantation. "Hmmm, that's weird. Oh well, it doesn't matter. We'll have to do without fireworks. Maybe we can get out of a charms lesson if we ask Flitwick about it. He'll spend plenty of time going on and on…" Alastor would have continued on with his idea, except that he had stuck his wand in his back pocket and it had exploded into fireworks, sending him spinning into the air, yelping, before coming to land on the ground and blacking out.
Alastor woke up in the hospital wing, with Poppy, the sixth-year, nurse-in-training staring at him with a dreamy look in her eyes. She was practically drooling on him.
"Oh my gosh! Madame Michelle, he's awake!" she squealed, jumping up and rushing to get the Head Nurse.
"You'd best get out of here, Poppy, I don't think he'll want you here when I break the news to him," Madame Michelle said, pushing her away. With an angry pout, Poppy left the room, grabbing her camera on the way, which had obviously been used.
"What happened to me?" asked Alastor, looking up fearfully.
"Well, when you put your wand in your back pocket, it exploded. You were at a bonfire, if you remember," said Madame Michelle.
"Oh yeah," he said. "Did you fix me? Am I going to be okay?"
"Well, yes, of course. Everything visible will be normal. You had extensive and complicated spells performed on you to make your face regular again, but there was one thing that couldn't be fixed," said Madame Michelle, sighing.
"What is it, Madame Michelle? Don't break it to me kindly, just say it right out!" he said, preparing himself for the worst.
"Well, you seem to have lost a buttock on the left side." She explained.
"Moody?" asked Harry, staring at the man, who was obviously lost in thought. "Moody?"
"Oh, sorry about that Harry, I was lost in thought. What was your question?"
"Who do you know who lost a buttock?" asked Harry nervously.
"Don't worry about it, Harry, just never put your wand in your back pocket. You'll regret it forever," Moody said, shaking his head, and standing up. "I'm going to go for a dance, now."
Amelia Bones walked up to Harry as Moody left him. She sat beside him and smiled over at him. "Were you talking to Alastor? He had the look that he was remembering the old days."
"Did you know Moody as a child?" asked Harry.
"Know him?" she laughed. "He was the heart-throb of every teenage girl in the school back in the old days. Did you know in his seventh year he won Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award? He did have a great smile! If only he hadn't gone on to be an Auror, he might still be as good looking as he was in the old days! After all those encounters with dark wizards, he's gotten all those scars and ruined his gorgeous face. Oh my, he's dancing! If you'll excuse me." At that, she stood up and walked over to Moody, a girlish smile on her face.
Over walked Ginny, who looked beautiful in golden dress robes that Fleur had picked out for the two bridesmaids. She sat down beside him and turned and looked at him. "What's wrong? You look like you're either going to be sick or laugh or both."
"Did you know that Moody won Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award?" he asked her in a choked voice.
"Mad-Eye Moody?" she asked, shocked.
"Yeah," Harry said, nodding and rubbing his forehead.
"Harry, have you been drinking Firewiskey?" asked Ginny, smirking.
"No, I mean, well, yeah, but not enough to be drunk!" stuttered Harry defensively.
Ginny laughed. "Whatever! Just come and dance with me!"