It happened just once. And that was a long time ago. Back when we were at Hogwarts. I didn't even know what to say, how to react. I wish that I had.
"Hey, Moony!" said Sirius happily as he bounded onto his friend's bed.
"Padfoot," I replied sleepily.
"Feeling alright this morning?" Sirius asked.
I stretched and nodded.
"Fine, but I think I gave myself another scar," I said.
I unbuttoned the top button of my nightshirt and pulled back the collar, leaning into Sirius to show him the long, deep cut that now stretched across my shoulder. He peered in close at it, touching it lightly with his fingertips.
It happened without any warning.
Sirius leaned in and kissed it. And then, he kissed me. His lips were pressing eagerly against mine, his tongue darting into my mouth. I was so shocked, I let it continue for a moment, but then I pulled away hastily and leapt up from the bed.
"What was that?!" I exclaimed, panting nervously.
Sirius stammered something and turned a very deep shade of red.
"I'm not gay!" I cried, backing away from the bed.
Sirius buried his face in his hands.
"Merlin, I'm so sorry. I'm so embarrassed now," he said quietly.
I stared at him for a long time before cautiously taking a step back toward the bed. I placed a nervous hand on his shoulder and he lifted his head from his hands and looked up at me.
"It's okay," I said quietly.
"Can we ever be friends again?" asked Sirius.
"Of course," I replied.
After that, Sirius had dated every girl at Hogwarts. Maybe not every single one, but all of the girls older than fourteen who were half-decent looking and not in Slytherin. Alright, some of the Slytherins, too. He never mentioned "the incident". In fact, after that day, he hardly talked to me, and never spent time with me alone. Ever. If I walked into the dormitory when he was in there alone, he'd walk out. Or go find James or Peter. No one else really noticed, it didn't seem all that strange to the others. But I hated it.
I hated it because I had been wrong.
I was gay. All I could think about was that kiss, the way his beautiful, soft lips felt against mine. The way his body's warmth felt pressed against me. And I wanted to get Sirius on his own so I could tell him that. But it never happened.
And now, he lives alone at Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. I come over every chance I get, but if I catch him on his own, he floos someone to come over, or calls Kreacher into the room. When we have Order meetings, he flirts with every girl who isn't Molly or Tonks. And I suspect the only reason he doesn't flirt with Tonks is because they're related.
It was one of those Order meetings. The kids were all off to school already. There was a petite, blonde-haired Auror joining them at the table, one of Tonks's friends. Sirius was making eyes at her, and she was making eyes back. His chair was leaning back on two legs, the way it always did when he was trying to show off. Sirius didn't even think about it anymore; he showed off without even realizing it. I guess years of doing so would ingrain it as a habit.
"Sirius!" admonished Molly, thumping him on the head. "Pay attention!"
Sirius groaned and rubbed the top of his head. He glanced over at me with a wry sort of smile. I shrugged and chuckled under my breath. I had to turn away. Those grey eyes of his were cutting into my soul.
Merlin, don't look at me like that, Sirius, I thought to myself. Look over at that blonde girl if you're going to look at someone.
Sirius complied, and I half wondered if I had voiced my thoughts aloud. The blonde was giggling at him. I sighed. Still, every time I looked at him, I remembered the kiss. I would let my eyes stare at his full, pink lips. My gaze would travel down his muscular arms, his defined chest. And then I'd catch my eyes starting to drift lower, and I would straighten up and shake my head at my indecence.
The Order was dissipating. The meeting was over, but Sirius took the blonde's arm and whispered something in her ear. She was going to stay. I swallowed hard.
"Mind if I stay over for a minute and have a glass or two of firewhiskey?" I asked, terrified that my voice would crack in nervousness.
"Not at all," said Sirius with a wave of his hand.
I pulled out a glass and started to grab for another, but Sirius had already disappeared from the room, blonde girl in tow. I shook my head as I poured a shot for myself.
Remus, you old reprobate, what did you think he was going to do? I admonished myself. Send the pretty blonde home and lick firewhiskey from your navel?
The thought of that sent a shudder down my spine. I took a deep pull from the firewhiskey bottle, ignoring the glass in front of me that I had just poured, and then, for some strange reason, I walked toward the stairs. I ascended them. Some invisible string was pulling me toward Sirius's bedroom. I paused in front of the door. I heard the whimper of a young woman.
I could see it in my head. Sirius was known far and wide for his skills in the bedroom. The man was a dynamo. Her whimpers were escalating. I wondered what he was doing to make her cry in that way. Was his face buried between her legs? Was his cock thrusting deep inside her? I could feel my own cock stirring as I imagined it. I let my hand travel lower, lightly brushing against the bulge in my pants. The sound of a strangled cry came from the bedroom. That time it was Sirius. A groan left my throat.
Merlin, Sirius, do you try to ignore your homosexuality? Do you try to escape it by taking women to bed? Does it work for you? Because I've tried it, and the only thing I can ever think about is you, I thought, my hand involuntarily brushing against my growing erection once again.
The pace from inside Sirius's bedroom was getting faster, more feverish. The girl's cries were mingling with Sirius's. I wondered if he even knew her name.
"Fuck, Jessie, I'm going to come," hissed Sirius hoarsely.
That answered that question. Two mingled cries of ecstasy reached my ears. They would both be panting now, her legs wrapped around his hips. I walked back down the stairs, willing my erection to subside, but the thoughts of my legs wrapped around his hips kept it from obeying. I downed more firewhiskey.
A few minutes later, Sirius and Jessie walked downstairs. He didn't notice me. Sirius gave her a quick kiss goodbye and she left.
Do you always send them home so quickly? I asked Sirius in my head.
Sirius took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen, and seeing me startled him.
"Oh, I thought you'd be gone by now," said Sirius.
It sounded harsh to my ears, though he probably hadn't meant it that way.
"Just having a quick drink or two," I said.
Or six, my mind added.
I filled a second glass and slid it his way. Sirius looked nervous. He glanced toward the staircase.
"Just stay. Have one drink with me," I said, gazing at his grey eyes. "Please."
Sirius seemed reluctant, but he sat down on one of the bar stools anyway. He took a sip from the glass, smacking his lips together at the fiery taste. I could practically feel the burn of firewhiskey in his mouth. I wanted to taste it on his lips.
"How've you been?" I asked, trying to fill the silence with anything.
"Lonely," Sirius replied honestly.
"Birds like Jessie don't provide enough company?" I joked.
Please, tell me that a bird can never keep you company. Tell me you don't even like women. Tell me you still prefer blokes, I thought desperately.
"They're fine," he replied.
He took another sip from his glass and started to stand, to leave the room.
"Wait," I said.
Sirius sunk back down in his chair, staring at me curiously. I tried to read more into his deep, grey eyes than was probably there. Those eyes were so empty, ever since he came back from Azkaban. Come to think of it, they had been empty ever since the kiss.
"Sirius," I began, but I didn't know where to start.
He cocked his head to one side and the corner of his mouth twitched into a half smile. My insides tied into a knot. I chuckled half-heartedly at him.
You have no idea what that little half-smile does to me, I thought.
"Sirius, do you remember . . . that day?" I asked quietly.
"Which one?" he asked.
Merlin, I hadn't been ready for that question. I thought it was completely obvious. All other days of my life paled in comparison to that day. I took a deep breath. My voice was so quiet even I could barely hear it.
"The day you kissed me," I whispered.
Sirius tensed. His face was inscrutable. He looked as though he was ready to bolt any second. I searched for the right words.
"I think about that day a lot," I admitted.
Sirius shifted uncomfortably in his seat. His features were set in a stone cold glare.
Please tell me you think about it, too, I begged silently.
Sirius didn't comply. He just stared at me, saying nothing.
"Every time I see you, I think about that day. Every time someone says your name, I think about that day," I continued. "I can't stop thinking about it. It's like I-"
"I get it, alright?" spat Sirius. "I get it."
You do? I thought to myself.
"You don't have to remind me of that day," Sirius said with a sour expression. "I thought I was doing a pretty swell job of not reminding you of it. Merlin knows I've tried to keep away from you, so you don't even have to think about it. I've tried, Remus. But if that's not good enough . . . if it's that hard for you to forget, then you don't ever have to come around again. I'll understand."
Sirius was glaring at me angrily.
No, Sirius. No, that's not what I mean, I thought, but the words wouldn't come. His grey eyes were cold and angry now. His arms were crossed in front of his chest. He downed the last drop of firewhiskey from his glass and marched up the stairs. I could hear the door to his room slam shut behind him.