Disclaimer: 'Snow White' ain't mine!


So you think you've got it rough, huh? Well, trust me when I say this: Your problems are trivial compared to mine. So your best friend ditched you for someone mean. Did she constantly ask you 'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?' Or did she threaten to smash you into a million pieces? Huh?!? Did she?!?

I remember where I used to live: In a peaceful little antique shop just up the road. I had a good life there. All I had to do was just sit there, patiently waiting for someone to come buy me. From time to time, I'd do impressions of some of the late-night comedians who performed not too far from where I was just to impress some of the other antiques. Well, one night, I overheard one of the comedians saying a line that really got to me: "The other night, my wife said to me, 'honey, do you really think I'm the fairest of them all', and I said, 'you are prettier than any other maiden in the woods, honey, and that's saying something!' That line made me laugh so much, I just had to tell the other antiques about it the next day. So I did. I said, "You are prettier than any other maiden in the woods, honey, and that's saying something!"

Me and my big mouth.

I said these words just as this ugly queen walked by. She stopped and looked at me. I thought, Oh boy, I'm in for it now.

The queen walked up to me and said, "Could you please repeat those words to me?"

There was a certain look in her eyes that told me if I didn't say these words she'd pick me up and shatter me into a million pieces. Still, I wanted there to be a slight catch, so I said, "Only if you say the magic words."

"They're not 'please and thank you', are they?" asked the queen, turning up her nose. Before I even had a chance to say yes, she said, "Don't even answer that. Let me choose the magic words: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

I was tempted to throw a wisecrack at her, but the dangerous look in her eyes flared up again, so I replied: "You are prettier than any other maiden in the woods, honey, and that's saying something!"

A lot of you probably know the rest of the story: the queen buys me, takes me to the castle, and asks me twice a day who the fairest in the kingdom is and each time I have to reply that it's her. It really is a shame that there is never a therapist available in the castle. Oh sure, we have knights and squires and cooks and the occasional damsel-in-distress, but do we ever get any therapists? No! So I have no choice but to wallow in my misery all by myself.

Then one day, Snow White moved into the castle. Wow, was she gorgeous! I mean, yow-za!

The next time the queen asked who the fairest one of all was, I answered, "Snow White." Oops! The queen screeched, "You idiot!" And then she threw me out the window.

As I fell, I quickly cried out, "But if you can get rid of the little brat, you'll be set for life!" And so I spent the next few days in the garbage. Judging from what I heard from nearby village gossip, the queen hired some guy to kill Snow White but he couldn't do it so he gave the queen the heart of a pig. I also heard that she was shacking up with seven men, so on garbage day, when the queen was taking me out to the dump, I told her Snow White is still kicking. I mean, c'mon! Living with seven men can't be good morals!

I heard from the other antiques at the dump that the queen tried to kill Snow White with a comb, laces, and an apple. Obviously, she's never heard of the more convenient murder methods. To make a long story short, she failed on all three of them and was sentenced to dance for life, Snow White was rescued by this handsome prince, and she and her seven friends lived happily ever after.

Oh yeah, and this witch spotted me in the dump. She felt sorry for me and hung me up in one of her spare towers. Just when I thought I'd be living a nice, peaceful life, the witch brought home this cute blonde named Rapunzel. Why do I get the feeling I'm going to need therapy all over again?

End