NOTE: I don't own the rights to LoZ or the Coen' Bros. movie, O Brother Where Art Thou? This story is set in Hyrule ala' The Depression.
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain
You never change your socks
And little streams of alky-hol
Come trickling down the rocks
O the shacks all have to tip their hats
And the railway bulls are blind
There's a lake of stew and gingerale too
And you can paddle all around it in a big canoe
In the Big Rock Candy Mountain
The chain gang was heavily guarded by Ganon's henchmen, on horseback. Rifles slung over their shoulders. The workers toiled under the hot, Hylian sun, picking at rocks in the Goron's Rock Quarry. Among the prisoners were Zoras, Gorons, Hylians, etc., using their strength to bring their pick axes down on a pile of rocks in front of them.
Unknown to Ganon's guards, one Hylian had escaped. He stumbled through the field, trying to keep his footing while still being shackled. He would stumble occasionally, either over his own feet, rocks, or the chains he was in. The Hylian went by the name of Link.
"Okay," Link mumbled to himself out of breath as he was out of sight of Ganon's prison guards. "Now all I need to do is find a plan of action."
Link stumbled his way down a small trail to a small farm known as Lon Lon Ranch. Upon the entrance to the ranch, Link spotted a small man with a rifle in his hand.
"Don't come closer, ya' hear!" he shouted. "Or you is gonna get it!" He fired a warning shot into the ground. "Ya'll ain't the tax man, are ya?"
Link raised his hands in the air. "No sir, I'm not. I was wondering if I could stop by and get something to eat and drink and be on my way."
"Okay stranger," the man said, lowering the rifle. "C'mon in."
Link was led into a small house. Inside was a young girl and a big man, who appeared to be her father. The small man whispered something to the big man, who smiled.
"Hello there, sonny!" said the big man. "My name's Talon and this here's Ingo and my daughter Malon. What can I do for ya?"
"Well, I'd like something to eat and a little bit to drink," said Link. "And I'd like to get these chains off too."
"No problem! Hey Ingo, you know that old saw in the storage closet out back?"
"Help this young feller get his chains off!"
Later that evening, Link was playing cards with his hosts when he heard a siren outside, followed by lights and dogs barking.
"Dang, they've found me!" exclaimed Link.
"Well, hold your horses, son," said Talon. "They's just probably lookin' fer someone else. In any case, go upstairs and hide in my closet."
Link hurried upstairs and managed to squeeze himself in Talon's tiny closet. His clothes smelled of dust and CLEAN-O laundry detergent.
The sirens became louder and louder as the police pulled into Lon Lon Ranch. The sheriff pounded on Talon's door.
"Open up!" he yelled.
Talon answered the door. "Why, hello there officer! What can I do for ya?"
"Well," said the sheriff, pulling out a wanted poster of Link. "This here prisoner escaped from the chain gang almost a day ago. We suspect he might be 'round here somewhere so if ya'll see him, here's the poster and the phone number. We're offerin' 15,000 rupees if y'all can turn em' in."
"Well, I'll let ya know if he shows up, officer," said Talon.
"Thank y'all for yer time, sir," said the sheriff. "Have a nice night."
"Oh, pardon me, officer," said Talon. "Before ya go, what exactly is he wanted for?"
"Well, he's some kind of fella who's been guilty of tryin' to murder Ganon and take away Hyrule from em'. Ya' know...like a political prisoner?"
"Oh, okay, well thank you for tellin' me," said Talon
"Fifteen thousand rupees," Talon muttered to himself. "I could sure use the money."
"Then let's turn em' in," said Ingo.
"It ain't that easy. I've given him food, shelter, and clothing for the night and for me to turn him into the police would be horrible. Besides, Ganon's one terrible fella anyway!"
The next morning, Link left his new friends and went off to Hyrule Castle to rid Hyrule of Ganon. He marched for miles, under the hot sun. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore, so he hitchhiked. It just so happened that Ingo was driving into town at that time to drop off some crates of Lon Lon milk to Hyrule Castle. He picked up Link, who plopped himself in the back of Ingo's truck full of milk crates.
"It was sure awful nice of ya to do this Ingo," said Link. "Now I can finally face Ganon!"
"Yep," said Ingo with a sly grin. "You're quite welcome!"
Ingo had planned to deliver a milk supply to the castle, but not before "dropping off" Link at the security gates.
"HOOOOO BOY!" Ingo thought to himself. "Fifteen thousand rupees all to myself!"
He pulled over to the guard at the Hyrule Castle Gate. "Hey!" Ingo exclaimed. "I got this here shipment of Lon Lon Milk to deliver!"
"Okay, come on in," said the guard.
"But I got somethin' else," said Ingo as he whispered to the guard, while pointing to Link, sound asleep in the back of his truck.
"Well!" the guard exclaimed. "We'll jus' take em' and I'll give you a note to take to Ganon so y'all can collect your reeeeeeward!"
Link was awaken briefly by the Hyrule Castle guards, who forcefully removed him from Ingo's truck and thrown into Ganon's dungeon. There, he was chained, expecting to be hanged the next morning at sunrise.
"HOOOOOOOOOOO BOY!" shouted Ingo as he pulled up into Lon Lon Ranch.
"What's all the excitement, Ingo?" asked Talon.
"Well, you were too chicken to turn in Link, so I did it myself, an' I gots me 15,000 rupees!" He had a huge sack slung over his shoulder, with 15,000 rupees inside.
"YOU COTTON-PICKIN' MORON!" hollered Talon. "You greedy, selfish moron! We gave that guy shelter, clothes, and food and all you kin think about is collectin' a reeeeeeward? Who's side are ya' on anyway? Ours or Ganons?"
Ingo looked down at his feet and hung his head. Never had he felt so guilty in his life. The 15,000 rupeees he had suddenly were less desirable.
"Get in the truck, Ingo!" yelled Talon. "And take the 15,000 rupees with you! We're gonna bail out our friend Link!"
The two of them drove back to the castle and were stopped by a castle guard.
"Okay, what business do you have here?" asked the guard.
"We all need to speak to Ganon," said Talon. "We've got a friend in the dungeon and we wanna bail em' out!"
"Very well then," said the guard. "But remember, you must have a lot of money for bail."
Ingo and Talon were shown to Ganon's throne room. Ganon was busy counting golden rupees one by one when he was interrupted by our heroes.
"Well, well, well," said Ganon. "What do you PEASANTS want from me?"
Ingo was shaking in his shoes and chewing his fingernails. Talon's face was a ghostly white.
"Well, Ganon sir," said Talon. "We'd like to post a bail."
"For what prisoner and how much?"
"We'd like to bail Link out....for 15,000 rupees."
"Hmmmmmmmm," said Ganon. "I usually charge A LOT MORE rupees than that to bail out a prisoner on death row but just this once, since you have provided several gallons of milk for me and due to the fact that I am in a fairly good mood today."
Ingo and Talon gave Ganon the bail money and followed him down to the dungeon to free their friend Link.
"Thanks guys," said Link. "I thought I was a goner!"
"We did too," said Ingo. "Man, I'm awful sorry I turned ya in. I guess I was a bit greedy."
"It's all right Ingo," said Link.
"All right, all right!" snapped Ganon. "Get out of here before I change my mind...and put ALL of you in the dungeon."
The trio followed Ganon out of the dungeon. Then Link whispered to Ingo.
"Mind if I borrow your rifle real quick?" he asked.
Link took the fully-loaded rifle from Ingo, aimed, and shot Ganon in the back of the head, killing him instantly. The guards heard the commotion and as soon as they saw their leader dead, they fled in fear.
At the end of Link's journey, the Hylians named him King of Hyrule and he went on to marry Princess Zelda, have 3 children, and live a happy and simplistic life.