AN: I can't believe I've written so many cracky one-shots for this pairing. I don't even like it that much, but these two are just so much fun to mess with I can't help myself! And thusly, I bring you yet another non-explicit, humor/crack Renji/Byakuya ficlet. Go me. Or go you. Yay for somebody, anyway...
Renji stared at Byakuya, arms crossed with a blank look on his face.
"Let me guess," he drawled, noting that the other man seemed to be trying not to look him in the eye, "there's another man."
Byakuya shook his head. "No."
"We've grown apart, and you simply no longer feel for me as you once did."
"This was only a fling, and you've never really felt anything at all."
"You've been targeted for assassination and must flee the country."
Byakuya's eyebrow raised at that one. "No."
"This was actually all an elaborate plan where you were to seduce me and then kill me, and now you've discovered you're in love with me and want to break it off for my own protection."
He came dangerously close to rolling his eyes, but in the end Byakuya managed to remain impassive. "No."
"You never wanted to date me in the first place, you just wanted to get laid and I was convenient"
"That one's not true and you know it."
"You actually hate my guts."
"You have to move away, and I am just not good enough for you to attempt a long-distance relationship with"
"A nuclear bomb is going off later this afternoon, and if I am are sizzled but not dead, you don't want to be saddled down with an ugly as sin significant other"
Byakuya really did roll his eyes this time, "No, Renji."
"You just want to be friends."
"'It's not you, it's me.'"
"Well, yes; but no."
"You're dying of a horrible disease."
"I'm dying of a horrible disease."
"Hmm..." Renji paused, looking thoughtful for a moment, before resolutely stating, "In that case, I don't accept."
Byakuya blinked. "Excuse me?"
"Well, the fact that you started this conversation with 'we need to talk' means that you're going to try to break it off between us, right?"
"That... is correct, yes..."
"Uh-huh. But, if it's not for any of the reasons I've already guessed, then that means it's for some dumbass reason like it being 'taboo', or against some sort of regulations, yeah?"
"Right. I don't buy that shit for a minute. It'd be fine if you just wanted to end it 'cause your sick of me or something like that, but I ain't buying that bullshit excuse."
"So... It doesn't matter to you that I value these regulations above our relationship and, subsequently, you yourself?"
"I see. You do realize that our jobs could be jeopardized if someone caught wind of this affair, correct?"
"No they aren't."
"Nope. Remember when I tried to file sexual harassment charges against you?"
Byakuya tried not wince at the reminder. "Yes, I do recall that particular situation."
"Yeah, well, when I talked to the Shinigami Women's Association about it, they filled me in on all of the protocol of inter-personnel relations."
"Yup. The worst that could happen is you'd be put on a probationary suspension for a couple weeks, and I'd be transferred to another division. Relations between a Captain and the Vice-Captain of a different division, as well as between two Captains, are, while not encouraged, not strictly prohibited, either."
"I can't believe this, you were gonna dump me when you hadn't even read up on the protocol?"
"I hadn't realized there was formal protocol, Renji. It's not exactly something they put in the handbook."
"Yeah, well, now you know."
For a while, the two just looked at each other, saying nothing.
"So, you wanna go have sex in the supply closet?"
"You read my mind."