Captain Mary Sue

By Ancha, aka Ancha289

Author's Notes: This was originially written for Overtoned on Livejournal, who requested a Mary Sue parody. It is not meant to be taken seriously at all, especially the characterizations of several characters. I do not agree with several characterizations within this fic, but have used them simply for humorous effect. In addition, there are a few in-jokes sprinkled throughout, but I have created footnotes with links so that you can understand what I'm joking about. Two are to a Bleach-parody community on LiveJournal and the third is a hilarious fanfiction that's definitely worth a read.

Edit: Seriously, I'm so sorry. I have Ninja Edited to fix my linkage-failure. isosry. ;-;

I think I've gotten it now. Just copy/paste the links in the footnotes and take out all the extra spaces. ff dot net is pretty stupid about html and linking, but if they still aren't working, please let me know and I will send a bitchy e-mail to the support team.

Enjoy, everyone!


When his shinigami badge began vibrating in the middle of his history class, Ichigo raised his hand and asked if he could be excused. His throat hurt fairly badly, you see, and he simply had to visit the nurse. After mentioning that a stout round of antibiotics would wipe out whatever chronic disease he seemed to be suffering from, the teacher let him leave the classroom.

He left his body on the roof of the school and sprinted off through the streets of Karakura town, searching vainly for the Hollow whose presence he was sure had set off his badge. The sun beat down into his eyes and he ran past the messenger shinigami without noticing her at all.

"You're late!" The girl chirruped, grabbing Zangetsu and yanking Ichigo to a halt and nearly completely off his feet in the process.

"No!" he sputtered while regaining his footing. "There's a Hollow—"

"Kuchiki Rukia sent me, Kurosaki-san," she interrupted, unsheathing her zanpakutou and opening the gate to Soul Society. "My appearance in this world activated your badge, not a Hollow. Let's go!" Ichigo opened his mouth to speak but the girl bounded through the gate, dragging him by his shihakusho.

Rukia was waiting for him on the other side. She nodded curtly to the messenger shinigami who bowed and shunpo'd away. "Thank the gods you're here," she muttered, a dark look on her face.

"What the hell's going on?" Ichigo demanded, struggling, for once, to keep up with Rukia's fast strides across the plaza. "I have a midterm tomorrow, you know. You just pulled me from my review class!"

Rukia glanced over her shoulder but refused to answer.

"Look, Rukia, unless Aizen's starting another fucking war, I'm sure you and the rest of the Shinigami can take care of it."

"Everything's going to the fucking dogs around here," she finally bit out. "It seems like I'm the only sane one!"

Ichigo grabbed her shoulder and turned her to face him. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Mary Sue," Rukia sighed, shrugging his hand off of his shoulder. It hovered in the air for a moment before Ichigo let it drop to his side.

"...Who?"

"Exactly," she said with a harsh laugh. "Who the hell is Mary Sue? She came out of nowhere—just showed up in Ichimaru's old office after testing out of the Academy. I've never heard of anyone doing that; the Academy Board didn't even offer that choice when I was there. Now, everybody's gone batshit crazy. C'mon."

She walked away from him, slower this time. Ichigo fell into step beside her and followed her to the third division's main offices. Last time he had visited these offices, the wide halls had been deadly silent; the shuffling of papers had been louder than the hushed voices of the disgraced-division's shinigami. Today, the halls were filled with highly attractive men and women who spoke to each other in loud, flirtatious voices. Ichigo edged closer to Rukia—because she knew where she was going and he didn't, of course.

Rukia tapped her knuckles lightly against the frame of the shoji at the end of the hall and slid it open. High pitched laughter assaulted Ichigo's ears the moment he stepped across the threshold.

"Rukia-saaan!" The young girl behind Ichimaru's desk cooed.

Except...the desk was gone and piles of brightly colored and copiously tasseled cushions had replaced it. The girl—Mary Sue, Ichigo assumed—sat cross-legged upon the tallest pile. Men in various states of undress reclined on the cushions surrounding her, Shuuhei and Renji among them.

"Oh my god," Ichigo breathed as Rukia bowed stiffly to Mary Sue, "it's a fucking harem."

"A what?" Rukia hissed. Ichigo's eyes remained on Ikkaku's fingers dropping grapes between the candy-red lips of Mary Sue. "Ichigo!"

"A harem, dumbass. Like in the old kingdoms of the Middle East. Haven't you heard about them?"

"If I had heard about them, would I be asking you what they are?"

Mary twirled a tendril of pink-highlighted blonde hair around her finger and giggled at Kira's witty comment. She seemed to have completely forgotten about her visitors.

Ichigo exhaled. "A harem is a collection of, well, usually women kept by a king. But this is the opposite—a woman keeping a collection of men."

"Like dolls?"

"...No."

"Books?"

Ichigo blushed. "Not exactly. A collection for...secksfours." The last part of his sentence tumbled out of his mouth in a jumble of syllables.

"What the hell is a secksfour, Ichigo?"

"Sexual favors, idiot!"

The surprised expression fleeted surprisingly fast across her face. Her eyes quickly narrowed and her lips tightened. Ichigo swallowed nervously. Rukia reached up, fisted the collar of his shihakusho in her hand, and yanked his face down to hers. "Ichigo, my brother is part of that harem. Now take care of it."

"Rukia, I can't—"

"Bya-kun!" Mary Sue called, waggling her fingers at a beaded curtain covering the entrance to a storage closet. Rukia's fingers tightened on the collar of Ichigo's shihakusho, nearly cutting off his air supply when Byakuya slithered between the beads, running his fingers through his hair and toppling gracefully onto the second-tallest pile of pillows. "Let me play with your hair, Bya-kun!" Mary Sue giggled, tracing Byakuya's bare chest with her finger tips.

Rukia shook Ichigo briskly. "My brother kills people with his flower petals; he doesn't wear them. If you don't fix this, I will make you wish that Aizen had run you through with his sword when he had the chance. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal," Ichigo gasped, the edges of his vision blurring from lack of oxygen. Satisfied, she shoved him towards Mary Sue and settled against the wall to watch.

Rubbing his abused neck, Ichigo warily approached Mary Sue and her collection of boys.

"Who're you?" Mary Sue asked, pushing Byakuya off her lap and coming to stand before Ichigo. "I haven't seen you around here, and I know everybody."

With Rukia's eyes burning into the back of his head, Ichigo schooled his face into an expression of nonchalance and crossed his arms across his chest. "M'name's Kurosaki Ichigo. I'm stationed in Karakura Town. Who're you?"

"I'm Mary Sue, of course!" Mary laughed. She bit her bottom lip as her aquamarine eyes landed on Zangetsu. "Is that your zanpakutou? It's so...big." Her harem chuckled at her innuendo.

"Wait'll you see my bankai!" Ikkaku called out.

After staring incredulously at Ikkaku, Ichigo returned his attention to Mary. "Yes. This is Zangetsu. He's constantly in shikai, that's why he's so big. What's your zanpakutou's name?"

"Oh, this old thing?" Mary shrugged, twirling her nagamaki. "This is Gary Stu. He's in constant bankai, though. I don't know what he looks like normally...I achieved bankai so young, you know."

Ichigo suddenly remembered the time his father came home claiming to have completed his training to become a neurosurgeon. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to be neurosurgeons, and some people just weren't allowed to exist. Still, Ichigo forced a polite, conversational tone into his voice. "Yea, Rukia tells me you tested out of the Academy."

"Of course!" Mary meandered forward and began circling Ichigo, her sky-over-Milan-blue eyes scrutinizing his build and lingering on his ass. "I mean, those classes would have just been too easy. I'd been protecting my district for so long that I had picked up all I needed to know for kidou and basic training."

"You protected your district all by yourself?" Surely, Ichigo thought, only Men like Kenpachi are allowed to tell stories like this. At least Kenpachi had the badass attitude and scars to prove it—his Lovely Item [1 aside, of course.

Mary smiled sadly and slipped her arm through Ichigo's. "It was such a dangerous life; I almost gave up so many times. But my friends were so important to me that I simply couldn't abandon them to the robbers and murderers." She sighed and rested her head against his bicep and continued, "Luckily though, I had my tiger to protect me at night."

"...Your tiger," Ichigo stated after a disbelieving pause, furrowing his eyebrows and extricating himself from Mary's arms.

"Yes, her name is Yuki. We can communicate telepathically, so she has always alerted me to danger."

"Captain Sue...what can't you do?" Ichigo demanded, pointedly moving away when Mary reached for him again.

Mary put a finger to her chin and moved back to her pillows, thinking hard. "I'm not sure. I'm pretty perfect, after all. But I'm amazingly humble, you know."

"I've noticed," Ichigo muttered.

Mary reached out her hand. "Come here, Ichigo," she summoned with a smile. "I know you've noticed my amazing power and beauty, all tied together with a mysterious past and an amiable personality. Will you stay with me and the rest of the division?"

"On that note," Renji called loudly, raising his hand and wiggling his fingers. "I have an announcement to maaaake!"

"Shut up, Renji," Rukia snapped, rolling her eyes. "We all know you're gay."

"Ugh. As if!" He sniffed. "I'm quelling the rumor right now. I'm totally straight!"

"What the fuck happened to you?" Ichigo asked, exasperated. "I can understand Kira and Hanatarou—they were pansies to begin with—but you?"

"Don't be mean to Renji-kun!" Mary burst out, wrapping her arms around Renji's shoulders. "He's not a stray anymore! I gave him a home!"

"You gave him a collar!"

"It has his name and rank on the tag!" Mary pointed defiantly at the silver tag hanging from the black leather.

"Excuse me." Ichigo and Mary Sue stopped arguing to stare Captain Kuchiki, who had just entered the room with a stack of files in hand. "Captain Sue, here are the files you requested."

"Bya-kun?" Mary asked, pushing Renji off her lap and rising to her feet.

Byakuya stared blankly at her. "No," he answered, distinctly displeased at his new nickname.

"Then who the hell is that?" Ichigo demanded, pointing at the shirtless Byakuya in Mary Sue's harem. Harem-Byakuya made no attempt to escape; instead, he calmly wiped away the whipped cream Mary had smeared across his chest.

Byakuya calmly flicked a piece of lint from his cloak. "That is Kurokuya. [2 He got his hands on one of my uniforms. Again."

Kurokuya pouted and set aside the mandolin he had been playing. "Time to go?"

"Back to your closet," Byakuya ordered, looking around for a desk on which to place the files he had brought. Seeing none, he finally set them neatly on the floor. As he turned to leave, Mary rushed forward and grabbed his arm.

"Bya-kun," she smiled sweetly, "I know you want to stay for a while...I have tea! We can sit around and not talk about your wife and pretend that she never existed or that you never really loved her in the first place!"

Byakuya pushed her away from him with the most disgusted look Ichigo had ever seen on his face. "I must decline. The head of the Kuchiki household does not associate with commoners, especially commoners whose social reputations are questionable at best and wildly promiscuous at worst. Besides...I simply don't prefer tea. Aizen had the market cornered while he was employed here." [3 With that, Byakuya and Kurokuya exited the office, the shoji slamming shut behind them.

Mary stared after them, sinking down onto her pillows. Her harem fluttered about her, attempting to feed her grapes or brush her hair or purify a Hollow in her name. Ichigo retreated back to Rukia's side. "Okay, I think if I challenge her to a duel I can—"

"Forget it," she replied.

"What?"

She scoffed and patted Ichigo's arm deprecatingly. "I only cared about Nii-sama's reputation. Now that he is cleared from any scandal, Mary Sue can do whatever she wants with whomever she wants. Let's go," she ordered, reaching for the edge of the shoji.

"No!" Mary Sue cried. "Stay here, Ichigo! Don't you love me?"

"W-What?" Ichigo sputtered.

Yumichika soothingly petted Mary Sue's shoulder. "It won't work, darling," he warned her. "Ichigo's asexual. He's immune to your charms."

Rukia dragged Ichigo from the room before he attempted to pull the feathers from Yumichika's eyebrows. When they stopped, he turned on her. "You're just going to let her keep on like that?"

"I told you, it's not my problem anymore," she explained, leaning back against the wall. "You can go back if you want, now. I know you have that big test tomorrow."

Ichigo huffed and leaned against the wall next to her. "Oh, so now you care about my grades?"

"Imagine if that had been Nii-sama, Ichigo!"

He glanced at her suspiciously. "Did you know that Byakuya had a brother?"

"Of course," she smirked. "I thought he was with Soifon again, though. Nii-sama approves of her breeding potential, at least."

"I'm not going to think about what you're implying," Ichigo muttered. "What about the others?"

She tipped her head back and cut her eyes over to look at his earnest face. " They'll come to their senses soon enough. She's too perfect. They'll get sick of her."

They stood in silence, watching the ripples of the lake. "Yea," Ichigo finally said, smirking, "Mary Sue makes me appreciate loud-mouthed bitches a lot more."

"I know you're not talking about me, Ichigo," she said.

"Oh, no, I am," he replied, pushing off the wall and shunpo'ing to the gate to the other world. He had a midterm to study for, after all.


Well, there you go! I hope you all enjoyed it, or at least got one good laugh out of it. So, go ahead and tell me what you thought, guys! And here are those footnotes that were being bitches to me earlier. Just remember to take all the extra spaces out. It was the only way I could get them to actually show up at all.

(1) #1 Lab 13 Case Files- Zaraki Kenpachi. "Zaraki Kenpachi is a Man. That is man with a capital M...His manliness oozes from his smile, leaks from his ears, and crawls around the floor like a tiger." http:// community . livejournal . com / crackinfusion / 516 . html # cutid 1

(2) #1 Lab 13 Case Files- Kuchiki Kurokuya. "Kuchiki Kurokuya, pimpmaster extraordinaire...making love to all of Seireitei." http:// community . livejournal . com / crackinfusion / 2594 . html # cutid 1

(3) "Adventures in Tea Time," by SoDanielle. "When Aizen is having tea, everyone is expected to play nice." http:// sodanielle . livejournal . com / 10581 . html # cutid 1