Author: Green Owl

Title: Photuris: The Sun

Disclaimer: I don't own or buy/sell/process this mind crack - I just abuse the hell out of it.


"Dear Ma, if this letter reaches you, it's because I'm dead…"

Jayne Cobb rehearsed the wordin' of his suicide note in his head as he sat perched on the ladder outside the girl's room, tryin' to think o' just the right vocabulary to inform his ma that he'd willin'ly gotten his ass spaced.

Earlier that morning, the girl had locked her tractor beam of carnal lust on him and all his good intentions to steer clear o' her went flyin' outta the airlock. He found he was helpless against her while she eye-sexed him until he was hard an' shakin' from wantin' her.

Didn't help matters none that the both of 'em were sittin' at the breakfast table, an' her brother was right next to her, cuttin' up her flapjacks as if she were jus' a lil' girl an' nothin' weren't goin' on out o' the ord'nary.

Jayne almost choked on his coffee when she bit her lip and gazed at him from under her lashes. She escalated the situation when she directed her gaze to his crotch, licked a corner of her mouth with her sweet pink tongue and then flicked her eyes back up to his.

A sudden vision burst into his mind like a shot outta the blue of himself duckin' under the table, tossin' up her skirts, rippin' off her unders, an' lickin' that other bit o' sweet pink until her gorram brother finally noticed that his lil' mei mei was full-grown an' hot for a man to show her what sexin' was all 'bout.

"I'll be in my bunk," he announced before he grabbed his cup and beat a hasty retreat, glad to relieve himself of some tension in privacy.

But sooner or later he knew he was gonna have to contend with that little basketcase followin' up with him – he discovered she'd slipped two silver pieces into his brew and she always got her money's worth.

Sure 'nough, the ruttin' girl managed to lure him into her room where she proceeded to divest him of some more of his body fluids, gorram her!

Yeah, it was hotter-'n-hell anointin' the smooth skin of her stomach with somethin' that weren't no body lotion as she lay back on her bed and pleasured herself.

Yeah, it was nice to have another eighteen silvers in his pocket, tucked in there by her when he finished.

No, it was not fun tryin' to pull up his pants and scramble up the stairs outside her door with nothin' more than a ten-second warning from his "client" before Doc Tam appeared to check on her.

"Rats!" he could hear her mutter in an irritable tone when her pretentious brother asked her what was wrong.

Jesus, that was close! Jayne thought to himself, tryin' to keep still so's the coinage didn't jingle none in his pocket.

"Where?" Simon asked.

"Gone now," Jayne heard her say, still upset. "Not here anymore. Rattus norvegicus has jumped ship."

And so's her sanity…girl went nutcakes soon as I left the room! Not good…

"Are you all right?" Simon's voice was full of concern and creep-out-edness. "Do we need to get something to get rid of the…rats?"

"Has nothing to do with rodents!" River shouted. "Go away! Always ruin things!"

Jayne wanted to giggle his motherhumpin' ass off as he watched the doctor beat a hasty retreat, but he knew that if he did, Tam would look for the source, see him, and the jig would be up. Literally.

Oh yeah, that was close. Too close. In more ways than one.

A moment later, the girl stepped out o' her room and looked up. Her eyes were clear and her smile was downright dirty as she lifted her shirt, drew her finger across her belly and licked it into her mouth.

Jayne felt himself start to get interested all over again and slammed his eyes shut, tryin' to think non-sexin' thoughts. Niska naked on a cold day…Niska and prissy Doc Tam naked on a cold day…Niska, prissy Doc Tam and hairy-assed Wash naked on a cold day!

He risked a peek as he felt his interest goin' down and found her still standing there, watchin' him.

"Hominidae," she whispered, peerin' at him. "Man is a great ape and the conclusion of sibling is both reflexive and accurate. Many years he has been a silverback".

"My hair ain't got no silver an' there ain't none on my back!" Jayne muttered, fastenin' his pants. "You're total brainpan-fried!"

"Yes." She smiled and wiggled her fingers at him as she danced away. "Goodbye!"

Ain't doubt about it, he reckoned as he waited for the coast to clear, gonna get exterminated one of these days because of that gorram girl.


He tried his best to stay away from her, swear to Buddha, he did.

Jayne had been more than a mite jumpy ever since he overheard the talk between Doc Tam and 'Nara 'bout the girl's energy troubles with that unit-thingy that was supposed to keep her commonsensical.

After that talk with the preacher about his "habit", Jayne agreed there was a good chance he was at risk of bein' addicted and that latest go-round didn't do much to dispel the conclusion.

What had once been a mind-blowin' an' enrichin' part of his daily activities had turned into a combination of hot, sweaty ruttin' and possible meng yan of epically-humped proportions if she decided to turn crazy on him like she just had with her brother.

As a result, he became extra careful to always be 'round someone else, if for no other reason than to cut down on the opportunity for her to lay down more money and marchin' orders and then go all wickety-whack on him and do some horrid injury to his vitals or, God forbid, his man parts.

Unfortunately, he wasn't near as cuddly as he'd like others to think he was and found most of his choice in company eliminated due to past episodes of bad behavior.

Doc Tam was right out on account o' him bein' blood kin to the girl, not to mention his truly ingratiatin' habit o' tossin' high an' mighty insults at ev'ry turn. The Companion didn't want nothin' to do with him 'cause she thought he was a pervert. Zoe, well, she'd probably pistol-whip him for the sheer ruttin' fun o' it if he wore out his welcome. An' Kaylee – she was sweet an' all, but she was mighty insightful when it came to figurin' out when people were bumpin' bodies and Jayne didn't need that kinda scrutiny. 'Sides which, she spent most o' her time in the engine room and that was just too much electricality for him to deal with.

Jayne ended up spendin' most of his wakin' hours hangin' 'round Wash or Mal or the preacher and gettin' strange looks from near everyone for bein' so convivial an' all.

"Don't you have something better to do, Jayne?" Wash asked him after the third full day Jayne spent on the bridge, watchin' the star field and sharpenin' his knives.

What would the man say if Jayne told him that he was fearful distressed that the ship's certified loony bin escapee – who he happened to be sexin' on a near-daily basis – might inflict some heinous abuse on his person?

"Ya think I'd be here if'n I did?" Jayne retorted, and stormed off to seek another defensive position.

"Are you planning a mutiny or something, Cobb?" Mal inquired after three hours of Jayne sittin' with him in the mess while he reviewed possible jobs and read a book on military tactics.

"That's crazy talk!" Jayne snapped, and stomped off to find someone else to shield him.

"Is there something troubling you, son?" Book asked after three minutes of Jayne pacin' in the common room as the old man tried to read his Bible.

Jayne strode back an' forth for a few more seconds more before settilin' down heavy on the couch.

"I got a confession to make, preacher," he said bluntly.

"I'm afraid I don't hear confession, Jayne," the Shepherd said, closing his book. "I'm not of that sect."

Jayne looked down at his clasped hands and bit his lips. "Don't need no prayers said over me or any kind o' that faith healin' stuff. Just wanna tell some sins and get some guidance."

He looked up, his eyes pleadin' with Book to listen.

The old man's smiled at him and put a hand on Jayne's shoulder. "All right. Let's go to my quarters where we can talk privately."


Jayne got up, paced the length of Book's room and back, and sat down again.

"I been, uh…I been…I been acceptin' compensation an' I ain't quite square with it, if you know what I mean, preacher."

"I'm not entirely sure I do," Book replied, eyein' the man watchfully. "Can you say a little more?"

Jayne rested his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, silent for a good long while. Book, bless his sense of common decency, didn't try to pry. He just sat there and let Jayne be until he geared hisself up to talk.

"Got this side-business," Jayne said, workin' his hands as if it would help him get the words out. "Been tradin' in…something that I never expected to, ya know, to supply."

"Is this 'something' some sort of banned commodity?" Book probed cautiously.

"What? Uh – no! People sell it all the time," Jayne protested, risin' to his feet. "Legal an' ev'rythin'. Ain't no court in the 'verse gonna argue with that!"

"Then where is the problem?" Book asked. "If the goods in question are indeed yours, then you are allowed to charge a fee that seems fair to you."

"Well, that's the issue right there, preacher," Jayne said. "Morality is a lil' fuzzy in the pricin' o' this kinda…stuff. Like the Bible on kneecaps, ya know?"

Book sighed and smiled. "I think maybe I'd have a better idea of what kind of guidance to offer if you told me what it is you're talking about."

"Nah, not really important," Jayne said, wavin' an arm to bat away the inquiry. He looked left, then right, and then leaned forward and whispered, "I just think I been doin' a little price gougin', dong ma?"

"You are a mercenary, right?"

Jayne nodded. "Yeah. So?"

"So one would assume that it would be within your nature to try and make as much money as you can on any kind of commerce you are engaged in," Book pointed out.

"Yeah, I know," Jayne admitted. "Sound business practices an' all. But my problem is that I don't want to, um, drive away my, um, customer-base."

"I don't suppose you want to reveal what kind of people are buying, do you?" Book asked.

Jayne was afraid if he said anythin' else, he'd reveal the nature of his trade an' that was plumb 'gainst the rules. He mashed his lips together, willin' his squawk-box to remain silent.

"Well, if it's customer loyalty you want to retain," Book counseled, "maybe you could consider offering some sort of discount?"

"A discount…?" Jayne felt as if the sun had just come out from behind the clouds. His eyes widened and he snapped his fingers. "Now that's a great idea! Solves all the problems! Preacher-man, you're a gorram genius!"


'Twas the night before dockin', and all through the ship, no creature was stirrin'…except Jayne Cobb and the person waitin' for him in the bunk that he'd been assigned when he joined the crew of Serenity four years ago.

"Hey, what the hell ya think yer doin'?!"

"These are lovely," she said, lookin' up at him as he descended the ladder. Splayed 'round her cross-legged position on the bedspread were various photographs. "Who created them?"

"I dunno. Local one-minute foto, I guess. Real question is, why are ya lookin' at my pictures?" he said, reaching for 'em.

"I was not done viewing those," she said, poutin' at him as plucked a few images out of her hand that she tried to hold back.

"I don't care," he replied, mimickin' her tone, as he gathered up the rest from the bed. "These here are private. Ya pay me for sexin', not to look at my personal photos."

She stuck her tongue out at him.

"Girl, unless'n you wanna use that on my man parts, you'd best put that back in yer head," Jayne warned as he scooped up the box she'd found 'em in and stuffed the lot back in before closin' it and shovin' it into his bottom desk drawer.

"Later," she said, risin' from the bed and placin' fifteen credits on the table. "Right now I want to touch you, then take your clothes off."

"Now yer talkin'," he said with a grin, turnin' 'round an' spreadin' his arms wide.

"You have grown quite tall throughout the years," she said to him as she ran her hands down his chest and leaned in to him to inhale the scent of his body. "But you have always been tall, haven't you?"

"Yeah," he said, looking down at her. She was wearin' one o' her floaty little dresses, the red one Kaylee gave her when she first came on board. He could see clear through to her belly button. Very, very nice. "Six feet, four inches, 240 pounds o' muscle. Don't grow 'em like this on the Core, eh?"

"No," she said, lightly stroking the pads of muscle on his back. "They do not."

"Never woulda met a feller like me in yer travels, no sir," he said, flexin' for her.

"True," she replied, running her hands over his arms. "Many men of my acquaintance are refined savages with soothing words and sleep needles. You, at least, have enough nobility to be candid about your intentions."

He grinned as she smoothed her palms down his forearms. "Got my number there, little girl. Even if's somethin' folks don't wanna hear, I ain't gonna lie."

"And I will not ask questions that may require you to prevaricate an answer," she said with a bright smile as she circled him and scratched her nails lightly down his back.

"Gorram, girl, that feels ay-may-sing!" he growled. "Don't suppose I could reimburse ya to massage an' scratch m' back?"

"Would it put you in a more conciliatory mood?" she asked, peeking up at him.

"Huh?" he asked, lookin' down at her.

She smiled. "Would it make you inclined to forgive me for investigating your photographs?"

"Uh, sure!" he replied, "I'm willin' to negotiate."

"Then lie down," she said, and guided him over to his bunk.

Jayne leaped into his bed, rolled over and flopped facedown.

"Shirt. Off. Now." Her voice was stern as she tugged on the item in question.

"Yes, ma'am," Jayne replied, yankin' his t-shirt over his head. She got on him and sat herself right atop his backside. He was again struck by how lovely she smelled – like a whole passel o' flowers, but not overwhelmin' or nothin' – just pretty an' clean.

"You sound like a beast," she whispered as she started gently scratching his back. "Deep rumblings in the chest, but not anger. Or pain. Just pleasure. But I do not have sisters, only a brother. And you are correct; your back is not hairy."

"You sayin' sumpin'?" he grunted as he lay his face down in the pillow. "I'm busy unwindin' here."

Many minutes passed as she massaged him, her nimble fingers finding knots he didn't know existed.

"You keep that up an' I'll consider marryin' ya," Jayne said as he relaxed under her hands. "Or at least givin' ya time for free."

"I find it gratifying that you can relax even though you're afraid of me, but I fear you are not a very good mercenary," she cautioned as she started working the tension out of his shoulders. "You are supposed to take everything you can get."

"Ain't 'fraid o' ya," Jayne scoffed, laughing of her insinuation.

"Yes you are," she asserted, working her way down his spine to his lower back. "I'm a broken record player – you never know when I'm going to jump or skip or scratch. You are trying to win the battle between your id and your superego and sometimes I think both sides lose."

"Ohhh yeaaaahhhh," he groaned as she found and pummeled the kinks right above his butt. "I don't care 'bout too damn much when ya got yer hands on my body, girl. Gorram, yer like magic or somethin'!"

She leaned down and her hair flowed over his neck like soft, dark ribbons. "Are you unwound yet?"

He nodded, eyes closed and makin' small noises of satisfaction as she petted him.

"Good," she whispered and then licked his earlobe. "I want to take the rest of your clothes off."

She barely had time to roll off him before he rolled off the bed and stood up. She stood as well, turnin' him so his knees were right against the edge of his bunk.

"Tomorrow we're gonna landin' on Vanadis," Jayne said, tryin' to think straight as the girl undid his buckle. He really, really liked it when she got all frisky and worked-up like she was now, frantic to get him proper stripped an' nekkid.

She grinned at him, the picture image of a Core girl gone wild as she whipped his belt out of its loops.

"You savvy that's a pleasure moon, right?" he asked as she undid the fastenin' on his pants.

"Fourth moon of Vrejya, sister to Valkyris, Vardana and Vrelkan," she rattled off as she pushed him back onto the bed and knelt at his feet.

He looked down, enjoyin' the view of her dark head bent over her task as she handed him the assortments of knives he'd hidden in his leg-wraps. "Any idea what ya wanna do while we're there?"

"I have not thought that out fully," she replied, handing him the Kel-Tec P11-Omega he kept in his left boot. He hung it on the wall along with the knives.

"Lotsa nice hotels." Off came one sock, then the other.

"Yes, many five-star accommodations," she said, subtracting his pants from his lower parts. Then she just stared at him for a moment.

Jayne looked down at himself. He was all there, yep, 'specially good ol' reliable John Thomas, practically strainin' to get a share o' her attention. "Somethin' wrong?"

"No," she said, looking him up and down so slowly he could swear he felt it. "You are very, very pleasing to look upon. I have always thought so."

"Really?" he asked eagerly, leanin' forward and restin' his elbows on his knees.

"Mm-hmm," she nodded, giving him the smile that crinkled her nose as she ran a hand down his torso. "Your collarbone is intact; an oddity since it is the most commonly broken bone in the body and you are often engaging in hand-to-hand combat. Though your height is detrimental because it adds stress to your heart, you counteract that by exercising often. Your muscles are evenly-developed and your limbs are long and well-shaped. You are quite striking."

"Not too much hair on me?" Jayne asked, all kinds o' shiny from the compliment an' impressed that he understood everything she'd just said.

She shook her head. "No. Stage three on the chest and acuminate on the abdomen is very pleasing. It grows in interesting patterns, akin to depictions of mathematical vector fields, did you know that?"

"I'll take yer word for it," Jayne drawled, gettin' more an' more excited. "Right now, I'd be more interested in knowin' what you'd like to do with the body it's growin' on."

She leaned forward and rubbed her nose up and down his sternum, then reached into her bodice and pulled out another roll of credits. "I have a special request."

"I'm all ears," Jayne said, excited 'bout what she might have in mind.

She sank down to sit on her heels and looked up at him. "Can you tell me what the estimated share will be from the cargo?"

Jayne made a face. This was not the kinda "request" he thought to hear and it was takin' the wind outta his sails, so to speak. "Come again?"

"How much money will Simon get from the transaction with Skelly?" she asked, reforming the question.

"Uh, let me think a moment," he said, doin' the math on his fingers. "Be near 1,000 each share. Pretty good, eh?"

She nodded, looking off to the right for a bit. "Yes, but that may not be enough…"

"Enough for what?" he asked, plain stumped as to what she was considerin'.

She looked up at him, placed a hand on his knee. "I'm ready to expand my education."

"Shiny," he said, tryin' to figure out exactly what she might want.

He sure wasn't prepared when she rose to her feet, sat down next to him and folded her hands in her lap. "I want to try vaginal intercourse."

Jayne grinned and certain parts of his body perked up consider'bly. "Sounds like a plan to me!"

She put a hand up. "I said – I said 'try'. Please…please hear the word 'try'."

"I'm payin' full attention to anythin' has to do with gettin' more acquainted with yer sweet lil' form," he said, leerin' at her.

She didn't say nothin', just gazed at him, eyes glistenin' bright and face all tensed up. He quickly grasped that the situation might flip at any moment an' adjusted his tactics.

"Okay, let me backpedal here for a minute so's I don't mess this dire," he said. "You said 'try', right?"

She looked down and fanned the credits in her hand. "I think I have enough for one occasion. But the first time is usually difficult and requires a great deal of energy and care on the man's part and I fear I may not have enough cash – "

"Hold on a minute," he said, puttin' an arm around her and tiltin' her chin up to his. "Are you sayin' it's gonna be yer first time?"

She nodded.

He could see the hesitation in her eyes.

"What's worryin' ya?" he asked, brushing a skein of hair from her face. "I know I'm a nasty son-o'-a-whore, but that don't mean I'd hurt ya while we're doin' it. Never done so, never will."

A tear rolled down her cheek as she looked away.

"Whaddya cryin' fer?" Jayne demanded. "Somethin' wrong?"

She nodded again, her expression was miserable. She was gorram terrified o' somethin' and not bein' the least bit forthcomin' 'bout what it was.

"What?" he pressed, and decided to try humor. "Do you got some kinda rare bug that'll make my pecker shrivel up an' fall off?"

The look she gave him was an even mixture of disbelief and misery. "No."

"What then?! I sure ain't got no diseases," he said, gettin' a little annoyed and removin' his hands from her fully-clothed person. "I get it – I'm too back-birth for a pretty little piece of upmarket like ya, eh?"

"Don't you get it?" she finally blurted out, covering her face with her hands. "I will have to pay more than I can afford for the amount of foreplay it will take for me to be able to have vaginal intercourse with a minimum of discomfort!"

Jayne looked down at his lap for a moment and considered her words before he chose his carefully. "I been thinkin' bout that myself."

"You have?" she asked.

He took her hands in his and looked deep in her eyes. "Since ya been such a good customer an' all, I'm gonna give ya a discount on that service."

"You will?" she said, gripping his hands a bit as her eyes went wide.

"I will," he affirmed. "It goes against ev'rything I been taught 'bout bein' a space pirate, but since it's yer first time an' all, I'll cut ya deal. Howsabout we say three hundred?"

"That seems like a very good price," she said, nodding. "How much time will that buy?"

He looked up, doin' the math in his head. "Let's see – I can give ya at least three hours for that price. Long enough for ya to be all wet and ready and for me to take it real nice an' slow."

She smiled at him and leaned forward to press a kiss to his cheek. "You're so good to me. Things aren't what they used to be."

"Gorram right, they ain't. An' I aim to please," he said, and slipped an arm 'round her. "So, now that I'm nekkid, what else would you like?"

"Would you…?" She looked away for a moment.

"Yeah?" he urged, strokin' the soft skin of her upper arm. He noticed himself doin' it an' got disturbed for a brief moment. "C'mon, out wi' it, 'cause right now I'm owin' ya money for the backrub if you don't demand somethin'. And as ya said, it's 'gainst my nature. Don't get all shy on me now!"

She looked back at him and her gaze lingered on his lips.

"I would like sex by mouth," she said softly. "You…on me."

There was a God and He had smiled on His humble sinner!

"Now yer talkin," Jayne said, his eyes lightin' up as he looked down at her lap where her fingers were twistin' the fabric of her dress. He leaned in close, pushed her hair from her neck and nibbled on a spot just below her ear that was guaranteed to drive her buck-ruttin'-wild. "Been wantin' ta do that for real long time now, girl – get me a good, long savor o' heaven between those long legs."

"You sound like – like you're going to devour me," she panted, baring her neck to him.

"No, River-girl," he whispered as he smoothed a hand up her thigh. "Just developin' a mighty cravin' for the way ya taste. Lickin' my fingers just ain't cuttin' it no more."

She let out a soft squeal as his hand found her.

"No unders, darlin'?" he asked, slickin' his index and middle fingers up an' down slowly, very slowly.

"Uh-uh," she whimpered, as he caught her earlobe in his teeth.

"Good girl," he murmured, her pretty lil' face twistin' as she wriggled 'gainst him. "You're a very good girl, ain't ya?"

"Y – yes…" she moaned as he found an especially sensitive spot and swirled his finger against it. She felt as if she'd run a mile or seven, so out of breath was she.

"Yer dress, take it off," he ordered.

She bent forward, raised the dress over her head and tossed it to the floor. He picked up one of his two pillows and propped it against the gun wall.

"That's my girl," he said as he lowered her down to the mattress, careful to spread her hair out on his other pillow before he spread her legs out in front o' him. "Gorram, ya sure look all kinds o' simple wicked, laid out on my bunk like that."

She blushed as she tried to breathe, gulpin' in small breaths an' pumpin' her pretty little hips up to meet his hand as he watched her. He'd never seen anything so gorram fantastic in all his life.

"Like that, darlin'. Just like that," he coaxed as he positioned her legs over his shoulders and nipped at the smooth skin of her inner thigh. "If'n ya wanna moan, yell, call my name, just inform the pillow, 'kay?"

She nodded, her eyes huge as she felt his breath, warm as the sun, adding its heat to a part of her that was already burning.

He lifted her to his mouth, leaned in and licked her, deliberate and careful, with the flat of his tongue.

It took her less than a second to reach for the second pillow and smother her shriek.

"Gorram, River-girl," he whispered with a grin as she dug her heels into his back. "May smell like flowers, but ya taste like all kinds o' my favorite sin..."


"mei mei" – "little sister"

"meng yan" – "nightmare"

"dong ma?" – "understand?"