Summary: Cath and Sara fight over Gil? Who will win his affections? No I haven't gone crazy because of s8's bad eps. This is total anti-GSR/Grillows! PARODY!
A/N: I have NO clue how I came up with this one, but I'm soooo glad I did! (Also, I'm slowly coming back into writing. Let's just say the reason I haven't written in forever is because; depression is evil. Enough said.)
Spoilers: Nope, unless you haven't seen any of s8., and there's only a lil on that…including that whole 'proposal' thing. Stupid CSI-crack-money-writers-who-used-to-work-on-Charmed
Disclaimer: NO ONE SUE! I'm gonna use some material that MAY be copyrighted big time! –Shifty eyes- But it's not mine! I swear on Catherine's perfect ass! Lol.
All was quiet in the LV Crime Lab…Greg was in his 'lab' reading the latest issue of 'Naughty Forensic Scientists' and drinking some "SPECIAL" coffee, Nick was rubbing his shaved head in the locker room; I dunno if he was turned on by this or he thought it would tell him the future, but it was weird. Anyway, Warrick searched everywhere for another pair of Night Vision goggles so he could get all up in Cath's face again, cuz he's divorced now! HAHAHAHAHA!!! -I roll on the floor laughing hysterically.- Tina totally left his afro-haired ass!
-I wipe a tear from my eye...- Sorry:
Hodges was hiding under a desk sniffing one of Gil's lab coats while the other lab rats danced a merry dance…I dunno why though. Hmm, let's see, Catherine and Sara are…-I look around frantically- Well this is just ridiculous and highly unprofessional! I mean, these two don't even have the decency to show up! Sure, Sara spent most of last season locked up in some imaginary closet or somethin but that's no---
Suddenly Doc Robbins hobbles by me with half of a human brain in a pie tin. –I look closer- Oh, my bad, that's one of his low cal-low sugar-low fat-low taste-vegan pies.
"Um, excuse me." Old man ME says politely.
Omigod! You're breaking the fourth wall! HIIISSSS!!!
"Fine then, I was just going to tell you that the girls are in the break room. Looks like a catfight. I'd be there watching still but I've got no interest in breathing women anymore…" (EW)
He hobbles off, leaving me wide-eyed and slightly disgusted…-Shudder- How bout we cut to the break room, shall we?
"HE'S MINE!" A gap-toothed voice bellows. Hey! It's Sara! (Hi Sara!) Wow, looks like that arm sure healed up nicely. Must be all those chocolate covered grasshoppers Grissom's been sneaking into her diet…Anyhoo.
Catherine quickly reciprocates: "He's closer to my age you little hussy!"
Gee, wonder who they're arguing over. (Doy)
"…MILF!!!" Sara screams…Wait, MILF isn't an insult, Sara. God, you're so damaged since you started doin the dirty with the old guy. This just proves no good can come from loving Grissom!
"Yea, well, my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard! And they're like; I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Gieco! Damn right I can't believe it's not butter! Damn right!" The strawberry blonde finger snaps like a pro, and all the money from that advertising just rolls in. Not.
"Umm…I can turn him on just by pretending to like his bugs!" The brunette stuck her tongue out.
Catherine looks defeated…or overly botoxed (JK!) before she spits back, literally: "All I have to do is ask him to process my Carp and he's hotter than Warrick in a room full of mirrors!!!"
Sara looked nauseas at this confession, and rightly so. After all, no one wants to hear about what turns Gilbert Grissom on…-frustrated sigh- ok, maybe Sara, but that's it!
"Ok, ok, we're both smart, rational, uber smexy adults here; we can solve this without violence!" Sara calmly stated.
Catherine simply nodded. "Yea, I guess you're right." She set down the metal chair she had just picked up and sits down on it.
"…Good," Sara started. "It's settled then. I can have Gil on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays, and I guess you can take him the other days."
"No way! I want all that crusty old man love to myself!" (Oh dear gawd kill me now!)
"There's no need to fear! Greggo's here!" Greg Sanders himself bounded in dressed in what could only be described as…well, I dunno. It was the Blue Kitty costume from Fur and Loathing, without the head.
The women take a moment to stare the former lab rat down before returning to their disgusting argument from hell.
"Hey! I'm dressed up in a soiled cat suit for Sam Braun's sake! Someone pay attention to me or I'll run over another Trick-or-Treater!"
"That's nice Lindsey; I'll hang it on the fridge later." Catherine waves her hand in Lind- er I mean, Greg's direction.
Greg takes a moment to consider whether or not his masculinity was in question because Catherine mistook him for her bitchy teenage daughter but decided he was too emo to give a damn and went to go find some hair gel.
Catherine is about to take a stab at Sara with a plastic spork when…-Pause for dramatic effect-
"Hey Sara! Guess what? I'm here! Ooh, I found a cloud outside, you think its evidence?!? Yay! Go dead bodies! Go Forensic Science! Go Caffeine pills! Whoo! Llama Llama! Duck Duck! Hey Sara, can I ask you a question?!?!? Huh, huh, can I?!?!" That new, annoying partner of Sara's rants in one breath…Quick, somebody gimme a dart gun!
"Good golly Rosie! Shut up! 20 questions a case, remember?!?" Sara turns to the annoying brunette. Nooo, not Nick you silly gooses. The one with boobs and glasses. Not Mandy; this chick. –I point to her-
Catherine's head is still trying to process at '…Science' when the brunette pouts.
"My name isn't Rosie!"
"Oh," Sara starts. "It's uhhh, oh don't tell me. Rebecca! No, hmm, Rufus?"
"Nice to meet you Rufus! I'm Catherine Willows!" The blonde finally catches up and tries to shake her hand.
"That's not my name! Jeebus Sara! I've been working with you, for like, 3 episodes! Plus, it says it here on my honorary name tag that that nice Hodges guy gave to me for being in his special club." Umm…riiigghht. Anyway, she, uh, points to the tag on her blouse.
Sara pretends to glance at it. "Ok Ranch Dressing, I get it. Now leave me alone before I create a miniature of the last crime scene you did, take the beat up car that was present at the scene, take it out to the middle of the desert and trap you under it!!!" Her left eye twitches and Catherine and Roger back up, scared.
"Y-yes, ma'am Sara sir!" The new-girl-whose-name-starts-with an 'R'-but-no-one-really-cares-cuz-she's-new-and-in-morning-shift bolts off, in the same direction as Greg went oddly enough.
"Cheese and Rice!" Catherine kicks the mini fridge with her magic Stilettos of Truth. (Why the Frick is 'Stilettos' in MS Word dictionary?!?) "One more distraction in this damn place and I just may quit my job and go fight evil Water Treatment people who are letting chemicals get into our water! And maybe because I'm a mother, I just don't care." (Damn writers and your stupid Erin Brokovitch/CSI episode cross. Damn you.)
Grissom, the whole reason this damn rant got started, enters wearing that god-awful Hawaiian shirt and that golf hat/beret, of course he's oblivious (as usual) to the world around him. He's carrying the fetal pig in a jar and stroking it like the cat of the evil dude in a James Bond Movie.
"Gil!" Catherine shrieks in semi-delight. Slightly losing interest now that she remembered what he looked like and only really just wanting to get laid for the first time in like, 4 seasons. Too bad Keppler died, huh? Bwahahaha…ha.
" Hey honey-er, homefry!" Sara cheers. Because she hates getting close to people remember? Remember?!? Oh god, somebody please remember!!! –I cry-
"Evening ladies, ooh, Sara, guess what! My stolen-evidence-bee colony isn't suffering from broken hive syndrome! Or whatever Entomological crap I told you earlier!"
"Hey, ya know what?!? Maybe we should get married?!?" Gil chirps in his mono tone.
Sara flinches, something stings her. "Ouch!"
She looks down at her hand to see that Catherine stabbed the spork into her palm then crossed her arms triumphantly.
"Really?!?" The brunette ignores the plastic working its way into her bloodstream and flips Catherine off.
"NO!!!" Gil chuckles.
"NO?!?" Miss Willows and Miss Sidle scream in unison.
"Exactly." Gil is now holding nothing. Oh god, where's the damn pig?!? –I jump up onto a chair, expecting it to just rolllll by-
"Then if you don't wanna marry me than why the Frick have we been going out for the past 2, not 9, 2 years?!?" The brunette screams at the top of her lungs and Catherine starts a fit of giggles…
"Simple, it's because you actually liked my bugs! No one has ever liked my bugs and plus, I totally got to tap that." Gil smirks and starts making lil smacking motions with his hands…ew.
Sara's about to start crying and Catherine is still laughing when Grissom continues:
Both women look at him, waiting for him to go on.
"…I'm in love with someone else!"
"WHO?!? I'll kill the little bitch! I'll trap her under a car I will-I will!" Sara twitches again.
"Oh Ecklie-Bear!" Gil calls in a girly tone, a second later Conrad Ecklie and all his balding-moping-non-glory prance in, a beyond creepy smile on his face.
Ecklie attaches himself onto Grissom's arm. "Yes Gilly-Willy?" WTF?
"I was just telling the girls here how much I wuv you!"
"Ooh! I wuv you too!" They rub noses before waving to the women and prancing their old asses off to Gil's office.
Sara and Catherine stand staring at the doorway in total shock. Sara's upper lip twitches.
"I-I may have dodged a bullet here." She mutters quietly.
A minute later, Catherine breaks the silence.
"Gilly Willy? What the hell is that? Sounds like some terrible STD!"
Sara just nods, still staring at the doorway.
Catherine turns to her. "…Wanna go have hot locker room sex?"
The brunette raises a quizzical eyebrow. "Why?"
"Because I haven't had sex since that Chris guy! Kepler had to go and get himself shot to death so I'm basically screwed! Or-uh-unscrewed as the case may be."
"Didn't he die trying to protect you?" Sara points out.
"…It'll be a good way to get the old man stank off ya." Catherine intones hopefully, ignoring the question.
Sara grabs her hand and they bolt out of the room.
A few minutes later Robin Williams, orrrr, Ranch, walks in. (Really, what's her name?!? lol. Robbie?)
"SARA?!?" She calls out. When she obviously gets no reply she walks over to the couch and starts telling the coffee table how she wanted to be an archeologist before getting into forensics and some more pointless crap the writers want to cram down our throats as fast as they can so people can start identifying with, thus liking the new character so they won't think the writers made a mistake by creating GSR and moving Sara to morning shift in the first damn place! –I take a breath-
Nah, I'm just kiddin. What I meant to say was:
Lol, hoped ya'll liked it. I know it was pretty rant-filled. But honestly, this whole season sucks. Who in their right mind thinks GSR is a good couple?!? ARGH! I say, someone (namely me…or Catherine, whatever) kills Grissom and they have an autopsy party! Whoot! Lmfao.
Review, because I'm still alive!