Disclaimer: Me own nothing. Me caveman, talk this way.
A/N: Recently, JK Rowling ousted Albus Dumbledore as gay, which is why this little ficlet came to life.
Harry politely declined the offer of lemon drops and fidgeted nervously on his seat. This was mortifying on every level.
"Are you having some trouble, my boy?" Albus Dumbledore genially asked, twinkling at him above half-moon spectacles. One corner of his mouth twitched, but his general expression was that of benign assistance.
A blush darkened Harry's face and he began to sweat. The words would not escape his lips, lodged tightly in his throat. Was he really going to ask Dumbledore this?
And what if he got this completely horribly wrong?
"I…I've heard some rumors, Professor," Harry mumbled almost painfully, staring in admirable determination at his feet.
Albus smiled on. "Rumors, my boy? What sort of rumors?"
Sweat trickled down the side of Harry's face. His fingers gripped the edge of his chair and with great effort, looked up to look his mentor in the eyes.
"I heard you…you were a bottom in your day," Harry swallowed heavily, face burning with embarrassment. "Sir."
For a moment, Albus neither twinkled nor twitched. He steadily stared into Harry's wide green eyes, all somber, until finally a reaction. His mouth curved down.
Harry slowly closed his eyes. This was the gravest mistake Harry had ever done. He could not imagine the insult this presented to Albus Dumbledore and Harry cursed the day he had started to believe that hideously incorrect information.
"I…sir, I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…" He opened his eyes, hoping that the Headmaster would accept his apology.
Albus Dumbledore held up a hand. "I understand, Mr. Potter. Some students might…propagate such ideas. I've been hearing them since long before you were born so I am quite used to it. I have never, though, experienced one directly asking me if it was true or not."
Oh, Merlin. Albus Dumbledore looked mad.
Harry waited with bated breath.
Dumbledore closed his eyes then opened them, meeting squarely Harry's apologetic ones.
"However…I have not been a bottom for such a long time, but I do remember my first time Harry. Have you and Mr. Malfoy been discussing having sex?" Dumbledore's face altered returning to it's cheery expression, though his tone was matter-of-fact. "If you are, then I might suggest that when you bottom, or excuse me, whoever bottoms, should need much preparation in order to smoothly facilitate the entrance of the penis, or if you will, the cock. It's best to start with one finger, gradually adding more as your - or Mr. Malfoy, certainly – passage will loosen enough for smoother access. I might also suggest you try, as you say, jerking off the bottom to make the initial pain bearable. The rest should be instinct and…"
As Dumbledore spoke, he rummaged through his many drawers. He seemed quite preoccupied with his search though his words were still fluidly spoken.
"…and good, hard rhythmic thrusting."
With a small sound of triumph, Dumbledore produced a bottle of lubrication and an old roll of parchment. He slid both items towards Harry.
"This is a very good manual lubricant that I can attest to, Harry. The parchment contains spells for magical lubrication, categorized by function (flavored, will heat, will cool) for the hasty lover," Albus magnanimously offered, leaning back on his seat with a satisfied look on his wise face.
As for Harry, he was utterly speechless. He stared at the revered Headmaster with something akin to madness in his impossibly widened eyes. His mouth was opening and closing like a fish and he felt the first signs of a nosebleed coming on.
This…this could not be happening!
"Harry? Are you all right, my boy?"
After a long moment of bone-deep shock, Harry moved like an automaton, placing one hand flat on Dumbledore's table. "I…sir, this is…more than I'd expected to happen. This…" He could not find the words. "I…you are…me…you…"
Albus nodded in understanding. He leaned forward and patted the stiff hand in sympathy. "Yes, there is much to do for one's first time. But I trust that you and Mr. Malfoy will have little problems. Now, hurry and be off. Lovers are very impatient, especially when it comes to these sort of matters. Please, do take the lube and parchment. Consider it as my Christmas gift to you and Mr. Malfoy."
It seemed like Harry was being controlled by someone else. He took the lube and parchment, clutched tightly in his hands, before he stood and gave a little bow.
"Headmaster," said Harry tonelessly before he walked out of the room.
After the gargoyle was a few feet behind him, Harry suddenly broke out into a cold sweat.
"I…I…Draco…I…OH FREAKING MERLIN'S UNDERPANTS!"
Back in his office, Albus leant back on his seat and gave a contented sigh. "There is truly nothing that compares to educating young minds full of potential."
Which is, I admit, completely senseless but I was inspired by Dumbledore's outing.