Something Else

I know I'm in trouble--no...not trouble, trouble isn't the word, this is something else entirely--when I see her again. I'm not even surprised by her blonde hair. I'd often envisioned her as a blonde, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't prefer her as a brunette. The blonde makes her look like a hooker, which I like, but she's not a hooker and I like that too.

I'd missed her, so I guess I'm not surprised when my breath catches in my throat and my heart feels like it stopped the second she entered my line of sight. I had to squash down the euphoria that I'd felt by reminding myself that she wasn't "real", that I was hallucinating just as I had earlier with Chase before I could truly breathe normally again.

Wilson had explained my Chase "sighting" away, and I had been grateful for it. But as I watched her walk by on the lower level, I had hoped that Wilson couldn't explain hers away so easily. I wanted her to be "real" and not some vision I had cooked up again.

Ok...I was crushed – not that I'd ever admit it to anyone – when Wilson told me that she and Chase had gotten engaged. I am no fool. I knew she would move on eventually, she couldn't stay in love with me forever. I just hadn't expected it to be so soon. Damn! A little more pining on her part would have been nice. Stacy was worth at least five years of pining on my part. I figured I would at least be worth half of that even for a non-relationship, especially if I meant as much to her as I thought I did.

Still, the second after Chase's presence had been confirmed, I wanted to seek her out. If I hadn't been in the middle of surgery, that's exactly what I would have done. In fact, it was exactly what I did as soon as my patient was squared away. It seemed as if some strange force was pulling me like a tractor beam to this woman---this puzzle who I had picked at like an unwanted scab and who I'd pushed away—looked intolerably amazing and seemed to be doing just fine without me. Damn! What did I expect--- for her to shrivel up and die just because I wasn't a part of her life anymore?

Now as I stand in the ER and watch her effortlessly treat her patient, I feel my chest tighten and my breath catch once again. I am struck by how beautiful she really is and struggle against the desire to reach out for her--to make sure she is really "real" even though Wilson has already confirmed it.

I am longing for simpler times when I could deny my feelings for her. Because now that I can't, I constantly feel as if I want to crawl out of my own skin if it would calm my nerves just a small amount. My body betrays me. It aches to feel her against me. My lips want hers once again. My fingers beg to thread through hers or tangle in her long hair. Damn! I want her...need her.

It's a challenge to find my voice when she looks up at me. I still can't believe that she's been here, right under my nose, for three weeks and I didn't know it. It wasn't that long ago that I was down here looking for doctors to help me treat my first patient alone, how did I miss her then? I can't seem to think straight as she heads towards me. It's not until she is standing right in front of me that I know what I want to say. "Did you miss me?"

Cameron smiles, "Of course. Why do you think I'm still here?"

There's a new confidence in her and a certain look in her eye. I think I like it. It puts all my nerve endings on alert. Her smile causes my chest to constrict. I know without a doubt that "trouble"wasn't a strong enough word to describe what I've gotten myself into. Everybody lies, but I'm not lying to myself. She said I'd be fine when she left. She can't know that I haven't been, and I'm far worse off now that she's back. Damn! Damn! Damn! Where's Wilson when I need him?