Nothing Always Means Something
I should have never opened my eyes. I know that now. I knew it was her. I'd spent the last three years becoming familiar with the scent that was uniquely her. I'd know that scent anywhere, so opening my eyes really was unnecessary. I knew I wasn't going to like what I saw when I opened them, and still I had to. It had been so long since I laid eyes on her--well…not really, it had only been a few hours since I found myself watching her work in the ER– and I felt like I had to see her. Even if all I was going to see was disappointment in her eyes, I had to look at her.
What I wasn't expecting was the anger. I don't know why I thought she wouldn't be angry. Maybe it was because she had left me, or maybe it was because she was so obviously with Chase now, but I hadn't expected that fiercely angry look in her eyes.
"What in the hell were you thinking House?" Cameron snapped the moment he opened his eyes and looked at her.
"I was looking for something..." I started.
"Oh please I know what you were looking for," she interrupted. "Wilson told me all about your patient."
Traitor. I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say.
"You're an atheist House."
"So what could you have possibly been looking for?" Cameron retorted with agitation.
House shrugged. "I don't know."
Really, then maybe she could explain it to me I thought to myself. "What?"
"Attention. You were looking for attention. You're such an ass!"
"You've already had a near death experience, House! Remember last year? You got shot and nearly bled to death all over me! You can't keep doing this!" Cameron yelled.
I noticed for the first time since I looked at her that she was trembling, no not trembling---shaking. She was upset that much had been obvious, but I hadn't noticed just how upset. Her eyes were bloodshot, she'd obviously been crying and I wished that I could kick myself for making her.
"Doing what?" I asked.
"Scaring the hell out of me!" she yelled her eyes glazing over with tears.
I sighed. I knew when I decided to stick that knife in the electrical socket that Wilson would page her. I had even toyed with the idea of paging her instead of the Cutthroat Bitch, but I wasn't sure if she'd come. "I didn't mean to scare you. This had nothing to do with you."
"It never does!" she screamed. "You make all of your decisions based on you. You're the most selfish person I have ever met. You don't ever think about anyone else. You never consider how your action will affect others." Cameron paused for a moment trying to gather her composure back and lower her voice. "What if they hadn't been able to restart your heart?" she said tears starting to flow freely down her cheek. "What if this time they couldn't bring you back? How many times do you have to almost die before you realize that you're not invincible!"
"Cameron..." I said trying to calm her down. I reached out to place my hand on hers, but she jerked back as if she thought I would hurt her.
"Don't," she said choking back a sob. "Did you think about Wilson?"
"What about Wilson?"
Cameron shook her head. "You think all you have is Wilson and you're wrong. Has it ever occurred to you that all he really has is you? You've pushed everyone else out of his life. If he lost you, he'd have nothing."
"And Cuddy... She cares about you. She may hate being your boss, and she may want to kill you on a regular basis, but she would be crushed if you had died!"
I sighed sadly. I felt bad, not that I'd ever admit it, that I could have potentially done a lot of damage to the people around me.
"And what about your mother?" Cameron said.
Ouch. That one hit home I thought.
Cameron took a deep breath and closed her eyes so a few seconds before opening them back up and locking onto his. "And what about me?"
"What about you?" I choked out.
"I've already lost one man that I cared about, I don't want to lose you, too."
I shook my head. "You'd have gotten over it. You've got the wombat now. He'd have helped you through it," I said detached. I shivered internally as I watched Cameron gaze turn icy.
"Last year, I watched you teeter the line between dead and alive. I held you while you did it. I didn't cry once, until I knew you would be ok; then, I broke down. I was a mess, and I couldn't stop crying. Wilson had to prescribe medication for weeks so that I could sleep. I was traumatized."
"I'm sorry," I said. Wilson had never told me that.
"Then, when you were going through detox again because of Tritter and I found you cutting yourself, I wanted to slap you senseless. I kept thinking 'This man is determined to destroy himself,' but I couldn't let you."
"Then, you pulled that cancer stunt and I thought, 'This is it. I'm going to lose him all over again.' I didn't know whether or not to be deliriously happy or furiously angry when I found out you had lied about it."
I couldn't defend that. I wouldn't even try. I let her think I was dying, and I knew what it was doing to her.
"And now you go and stick a knife in an electrical socket because your clinic patient told you he saw something else out there, beyond this life. And the sad thing is you didn't do it because you wanted to see if he was right! You did it so that you could prove him wrong and tell him 'I told you so,'" she said throwing her hands up in exhaustion. "I can't do it anymore House!"
"No one asked you to!" I yelled.
Cameron let out a sigh in frustration. "You did!"
"Excuse me?" I said in confusion.
"You've been pushing me away for years trying to see how long I'll put up with it. How long I'll stay. How long it will take me to just give up on you, so you won't have to deal with this thing between us. And you're pleased, because I've lasted longer than you thought I would. When I told you I was resigning, you were an inch away from begging me to stay. When I resigned the first time, you did beg me to stay. You want me in your life just as badly as I want you in mine, but I won't stand here and watch you kill yourself any longer. You keep breaking my heart, and you don't care that you're doing it. So this is it, I'm done." she said turning to walk out of his room.
"Don't you want to know what I saw?" I asked. She didn't say anything, but she didn't move to leave either. "When I was dead, don't you want to know what I saw?" I repeated.
Cameron turned around and looked at him. The question indicated that he had seen something. And despite the fact that she clearly did want to know, she simply replied, "No." and then walked out.
I sighed sadly. She never needed to know that both times I had almost died, the only thing I saw was her.