He's 19 years old and has the most confused and frustrated mind on the planet.
He's standing inside a church staring at the alter. A lost soul.
"Dean?" The pastor says coming up from behind him.
Dean tears his eyes off the huge cross and turns behind him. "Can I talk to you?"
Jim doesn't even bother to look surprised. Instead he just nodes. "Would you like to do this in my office? Or-" he gestures to the small confessional across the room.
"It doesn't matter…so long as the same rules apply."
Jim nods and leads him down to his office. He closes the door behind them and gestures for Dean to sit; he then moves across the table and seats himself in his chair.
"What's on your mind, son?" He asks out of formally. They both know what's on his mind. Jim's known for more then a year and he's been expecting this, still, he can't help and feel anxieties, and despite his love of the boys, a little disgusted.
Dean twists his hands together, sighs heavily then lets his eyes roam over the walls. He stops when his eyes fall on the shelf of weapons. He resists the natural reaction to forget the talking and finger the blades.
"Dean?" Jim prompts slowly.
"I've read the bible." Dean says easily, his eyes still fixed on the weapons. "A few times. Dad was really serious about us knowing all that stuff. I've read the bible, and a few dozen other 'spiritual guides'."
He says the last part with such contempt Jim has to blink.
"I know what they say about people like me, and I know that I'll burn in hell for this. But ya know, I wonder if the person who wrote that all, who condemns me, ever had the same feelings I do. It's too confusing, Pastor Jim! One moment they say don't cast stones, the next they say I'm gonna burn in hell, and then they say that love is all that matters. Well I love and I don't cast stones. So what's the problem? "
"Dean you're getting off track."
"Really? Cause I don't think I am." Dean shifts his eyes to the older man, "You know," he sucks in a breath, "You know how I feel about Sam?"
Jim fights back a cringe. "Yes," is all he can manage.
"So why should I burn in hell for feelings that I have no control over?" Dean leaned forward, his eyes showing a tiredness that belongs to someone twice his age. "I never asked for any of this."
"Do you regret your feelings?" Jim rests his arms on the table. "Do you promise to let God heal that part of your soul and then let it go?"
Dean flinched back as if burnt. "What?"
Jim frowned, "Dean the only way to end this-"
"Wait." Dean lifts a hand, "I'm not talking about ending this. I'm just-"
It's Jim's turn to be shocked, "I'm afraid I don't understand. You don't want to end these feelings? You want to…" he almost can't say the words, "You want to continue to have sexual thoughts about your little brother?"
Dean glared, "Listen, let's just forget this-" he starts to stand.
Jim waves him back into his seat, "I'm sorry, Dean. I didn't mean to judge. This is your confessional, it's Gods place to give judgment."
Dean dropped back into his seat, "But that's my point! How can he even judge me? If he supposedly created everything, then he created me and knew I would have these thoughts. So why did he let me have them? Why didn't he have Sammy and I get separated at birth. Or better yet have us not even be related. If he knew Sam would be the only person I would ever love this way how come God made him my brother?"
Jim didn't realize his jaw was dropped a little until Dean stopped talking.
He rested back into his seat and sighed, "Those are some pretty big questions, Dean. Questions I have no answers for. And I'm pretty sure I won't until I'm standing in front of the Lord."
Dean sighed, "So I guess this was a waste of our time."
Jim shrugged. "I don't think so." He did but he couldn't say that. He needed to save this boy from his confusion. He was going through a phase-
"Listen," Dean leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. "What I feel isn't a sin. I don't know a lot but I know what a sin feels like. And, trust me, this ain't one."
"Dean, it may-" Jim started carefully.
"I know what you must think of me. And that's fine, you confuse me just like I confuse you."
"Dean, you love him as a little brother. But you're at the age where everything is sexual. For now you just can't see it because you with him 24/7." Jim said hopefully.
Dean smirked, "Trust me, Pastor, wanting to give your little brother a blow job isn't normal and isn't because I live with him. Last time I checked siblings live with each other all the time, and they don't end up wanting to fuck each other."
Again Jim's shocked into silence. He whispers a pray silently to himself.
"So let me understand this, Dean. You don't want to repent? You don't want to stop thinking this way?"
Dean stands up and begins to pace in front of the desk. "The Bible says love is something to cherish. Well I love. More intensely then I could ever love anyone-"
"Because he's your brother who you've shared a hard life with. It's expected that your relationship would be more-"
"That's part of it too," Dean waves his hand to silence the other man, "With every other person on this planet, Sam's the only one who can really understand me. The only one who ever will, but that's not all of it. When I'm with him, I feel so happy. So free. Like it's my place in the world. And when I'm not with him I worry. Like right now," Dean tossed a look over his shoulder, "I know he's sitting in our room playing a video game. I know he's drinking a coke and he's eating celery sticks…but I'm anxious. I want so badly to go and sit with him."
Dean stops pacing and turned to Jim. "Tell me that's wrong. Tell me that's different from any normal couple's feelings."
Jim opened his mouth then clamped it shut. He couldn't.
"Dean-" he started, to say what he didn't even know.
Thankfully he was saved when a heavily pounded sounded from his door.
"Dean? Pastor Jim?" Sam's voice calls them.
Dean shots Jim a look, a warning and a plea for silence mixed into one. Jim gives a nod then motions for him to open the door. With a swift motion Dean pulls open the door to reveal his little brother.
Sam smiles, "Hey, I've been looking for you!"
"What's up, Sammy?" Dean asks, unable to resist smiling back.
"Um…I'm at that stupid dungeon and I need help!" Sam gives Jim an embarrassed smile.
Jim stands and moves around to lean on the front of his desk.
Dean cast Jim a look, "Sure, let's go."
Jim watches as they leave his office, he can hear them chatting and teasing each other on their way to their shared room. By the time they close the door Jim's heard more laughter and love in their voices then he's ever heard in his own.
He closes his eyes and takes a breath as the realization hits him.
He's 19 and more in love then anyone else on the planet.