I Can't Believe It's Not 15 IBRC Certification

By Lord Raa


Disclaim-me-do: People who live in glass houses should masturbate in the basement.


Chapter 12


Shunsuke Tendo dialled Section Two. "It's Tendo here; I need a wagon at the Sunshine Media Store ASAP. It looks like someone's got a problem with Shinji-kun."

"¬Saito and Nakata are on their way.¬"

Putting away his phone, the black-suited man approached the unfolding disturbance.


"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" a boy of 17 with long black hair demanded from Shinji. "Just what makes you think that you'll get away with groping my girlfriend?"

"I am not your girlfriend, Toshiro!" Kyoko spat at the newcomer.

Shinji struggled to get his hand off Kyoko's breast, but the blonde was keeping a tight grip. "She grabbed me!"

"Yeah, right! You junior high kids are all the same when you see a girl with big tits!" Toshiro scoffed, ignoring the blonde's protest.

Shinji shook his head in disbelief. "I've already got a girlfriend," he insisted, finally freeing his hand from Kyoko's chest.

"Still doesn't mean I'm not going kick your ass," Toshiro glared. His expression darkened when he saw the scrawny boy before him wear a look of relief. "Oh, so you think-"

Tendo cut off the threat by placing a hand on the long-haired boy's neck, his fingers curling around to apply some pressure on the throat.

"Sorry for the delay, Shinji-kun, I was calling for back up," he smiled as Toshiro slowly turned to him.

"Who are you?"

"We're Nerv security and you're under arrest," Saito explained as he jogged towards the scene.

"On what charge?" Toshiro demanded.

"Disturbing the peace and threatening behaviour for starters. Now, are you going to resist arrest?"

"You can't arrest me!"

"That would be a 'yes' then. Right, how this plays out is up to you. If you come quietly and explain what happened down at our office, you might get away with a few hours of community service and no criminal record," Saito explained. "You give us any lip and you'll spend a couple of days in a small detention cell while we decide how to deal with you. You kick up a fuss and you'll spend those days in prison with love-starved psychopaths who'll knock out your teeth and make you wear a dress.

"You raise a hand against one of us and I'll shoot you in the face. Your call."

Toshiro gulped nervously. "I... t-t-t-there's been a terrible misunderstanding!"

"Then you don't mind coming with us to clear it up, it's good to know the youth of today are reasonable people. Shinji-kun, we'll see you later."

"Ok, Saito-san, Tendo-san. Tell Nakata-san I said hello," Shinji smiled politely.

"Will do, Shinji-kun," Tendo saluted before he marched the long-haired boy out of the store.

"W-who were they?" Kyoko asked, turning to face Shinji.

"Yeah, Shinji-kun, who are they?" Kodama demanded.

"They're with Nerv's Section Two," the pilot answered. "Tendo-san, Saito-san and Nakata-san look out for me."

"Why are people from Nerv looking out for you?" the blonde asked. She paused for a moment. "Oh yeah, you're that pilot, aren't you?"

"Yeah, but I'm not supposed to talk about it," Shinji said, feeling embarrassed.

"But as someone who's brave and risking his life to save us all, surely you need some reward," Kyoko said clasping Shinji's hand back to her breast. "And I can think of just the thing..."

"It's alright," Shinji said, in as stern a voice as he could muster. "I am flattered by your interest in me, but I have a girlfriend who I'm very happy with."

"Yeah, Kyoko-chan," Kodama said as she pulled her boyfriend away. "Let's go home, Shinji-kun."

"Would you like me to make you something nice for dinner, Kodama-san?" the pilot asked as he was escorted out of the shop.

"Wait, Shinji-kun can cook?" the blonde demanded.

"He's an excellent cook," the brunette said, turning to flash her classmate with a smirk. "And that's not the only room he knows his way around, Kyoko-chan."

"He's cute, brave, can cook and is good at sex? I want in!" Kyoko begged shamelessly. "I don't mind being the other woman!"

"Have some self-respect, Kyoko-chan," Kodama chided. "You'll get a bad reputation. Let's go home, Shinji-kun."

'That should teach her a lesson,' the brunette thought as she left with Shinji.


Shinji opened the door to the apartment and removed his shoes.

"Are you alright, Kodama-san?" he asked. "I'm sorry that we had to cut our date short. I feel I should make it up to you."

"Well, if you really think that you need to make it up to me, I can think of something you could do..." Kodama teased as she closed the door and removed her own footwear. When she looked at Shinji, she could see by the innocent expression on his face that he didn't know what she meant.

"What can I do, Kodama-san?"

"Well, you could do the boyfriend thing with me. You know, the fun bedroom stuff," the brunette said as she embraced the pilot. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "And we did buy some olive oil..."

Shinji blushed as he finally put all the pieces together. "Ok, Kodama-san, we can do the French Flipper Trick."

"I love you, Shinji Ikari," Kodama declared before kissing the pilot with all her might.

The young Ikari found it difficult to return the sentiment, given the way his girlfriend's tongue was wrestling his and how her hands were groping his ass.


Misato was glad when her shift was over. She knocked on Ritsuko's office door.

"Yo, Ritsuko, you ready to go home?" she asked, clearly tired by her working day.

"Hang on," the bottle-blonde said as she let loose a flurry of key strokes. After a minute, she moved the mouse cursor to save her work and initiate the daily backup. "Ready when you are, Misato. What's Shinji making for dinner?"

"I have no idea," the Captain answered. "He might not even be back from his date yet."

"Date? You mean you let Shinji-kun...?" Ritsuko checked herself as she noticed the disapproving look her roommate was giving her. "What?"

"You know," Misato sighed. "You should choose someone closer to your own age. Or at least someone who isn't a child."

"You can't tell me that you haven't considered having a little fun with Shinji-kun, Misato."

"True, but I've been able to control myself a little better than you, Ritsuko. I haven't been trying to force Shinji-kun into doing something he doesn't want to," the purple-haired woman countered. "You'll just have to find something else to do with your spare time. Or go out bar-hopping to meet some guy. Hey, why not Aoba or Hyuga?"

Ritsuko lit up a cigarette. "Oh, and have a doomed office romance? No, thank you."

"What do you want me to say, Ritsuko?" Misato asked, becoming exasperated with the matter. "I don't want to see you in a crappy relationship, but I can't let you keep acting like you are around Shinji-kun. Something's got to change."

"Ok, but you know what that flipper trick felt like. Everything else is going to feel like clumsy teenage fumbling. Imagine what it would be like if you could only have water to quench your thirst," Ritsuko said as she took her labcoat off and placed it over the back of her chair.

"You may have a point, Ritsuko, but you could be more subtle about it."


Misato opened the door to her apartment and saw that there was another pair of shoes.

"Oh, it seems that Shinji's got company," she noted with a smirk.

Ritsuko clenched her jaw but said nothing, instead stepping inside and shedding her own shoes. When Misato left to use the bathroom, the blonde tiptoed over to Shinji's room and opened the door.

She was greeted by the sight of Shinji, lying naked on his back with a sleeping girl, equally naked draped on top of him.

"You kids and your debauchery," the scientist chided.

"Wh? Oh, Dr. Akagi, I didn't hear you come in," Shinji said groggily. "I'll get started on dinner."

"No..." Kodama said, moving to straddle him. "Dinner can wait until I've had my turn making you feel as good as you make me, Shinji-kun."

"Ahem."

The brunette shook her head and turned to face the theatrically coughing Ritsuko. "What are you doing here? This is Shinji-kun's room."

"Oh, so that's why dinner's not ready," Misato said walking up to the doorway. "I hope you've been using protection."

"Well, actually, we haven't done it properly yet," Kodama said. "Whenever we fool around, Shinji-kun always goes first and I'm too tired to return the favour."

"So, you're saying that you're blue-balling Shinji-kun?" Ritsuko asked, folding her arms across her chest. "That's hardly seems fair, now does it, Shinji-kun?"

"It's not about me feeling good, Dr. Akagi," Shinji insisted. "Uncle Rocco taught me that I should take care of my partner's needs first, no matter how many there are."

"So you're saying that you could get Kodama-chan here off and then satisfy me and Misato before you shot your load?" the faux-blonde asked in a challenging tone. "I could believe your Uncle Rocco can do it, but a teenage boy? That's another matter."

"Ritsuko, what are you doing?" the Captain asked through clenched teeth.

"Proving to myself why I need a man, not a boy, Misato," Ritsuko answered with a smirk. "You know, like you said earlier."

Shinji frowned. He wasn't an egotistical person by any means, but that didn't mean he didn't have feelings or never felt his pride wounded. He looked up at Kodama, noticing how her long brown hair cascaded over her shoulders. He recalled how her slender body tasted, how she moaned in pleasure when he'd kissed her pert breasts.

"Kodama-san, I'm sorry, but Uncle Rocco would want me to answer this challenge. Please forgive me."

"What?" Kodama's question was cut off by her boyfriend shifting from under her and sitting up to plant gentle kisses on her face.

Slowly the pilot moved down, his tongue tracing patterns on the brunette's soft mounds. She moaned his name softly, causing the two older women to look at each other.

"Seems he's got good technique," Ritsuko conceded. Her attention was quickly brought back to Kodama when she heard the brunette scream loudly.

Shinji kissed Kodama gently on the lips before laying her down on his futon. "Again, I'm really sorry about this, Kodama-san."

"It's alright, Shinji-kun," Kodama mumbled happily as she drifted off to sleep.

"What did you do to her?" Misato demanded as Shinji climbed up off the bed and approached her and Ritsuko.

"I'll show you on Dr. Akagi."


Fifteen minutes later, Shinji return from cleaning himself up. "Is there anything in particular that you'd like for dinner?"

Misato, having collapsed onto Ritsuko shook her head.

Ritsuko, however, had recovered enough of her faculties to respond verbally. "Anything you make will be fine, Shinji-kun. Although..."

"Although what, Dr. Akagi?" the pilot asked.

"I do now have a taste for beefcake and mansausage..." the faux blonde leered.

"Please don't say things like that," Shinji blushed.

"Yeah," the brunette said, propping herself up on the futon. "Stop lusting after my boyfriend!"

"Based on recently submitted evidence, I think that there's enough Shinji to go around," Ritsuko smirked. She shook the semi-naked Misato back into full consciousness. "Come on, Misato, we need to get cleaned up for dinner."

"Yeah," the Captain agreed. "You know, I think I passed out for a moment. Err, Shinji, where did you...?"

"I didn't," the pilot said. When he realised that he was the centre of attention, he blushed again. "Nobody said that I had to. Besides, Uncle Rocco taught me that there's a time and a place for the money shot."

"Are you saying you can ejaculate on command?" the scientist asked as she fumbled through her discarded clothes for her cigarettes.

"Sometimes, when I'm not too nervous," Shinji answered. "Please stop looking at me like that."


Dinner was a strange affair. While the ladies present weren't bothered by Shinji's nudity, or their own state of undress, the speculative looks they were giving him made the pilot feel slightly uncomfortable.

"Would you like some tea?" he asked.

"No, thank you, Shinji-kun," Kodama smiled.

"I'll go for a beer," Misato said, absently stretching her arms above her head.

"Ok, what about you, Dr. Akagi?"

"I'll have a beer too. And please, call me 'Ritsuko'," the faux-blonde smiled.

When Shinji left to get the drinks, Ritsuko and Misato turned to Kodama.

"If you hurt Shinji-kun, you're going to lose him," Misato warned.

"And if you do, whoever picks him up on the rebound won't let him go," Ritsuko added.

"Like I'd risk losing Shinji-kun!" the brunette scoffed. "I'd do anything for Shinji-kun."

"Yeah, me too," the scientist sighed. She coughed when she realised just what she'd said. "I mean, I understand your position."

Misato rolled her eyes. "When are you moving out, Ritsuko?"

"I don't know. But I'm not sure I'm in a hurry..."


The next day at NERV, Ritsuko recalled that Rei Ayanami needed to be issued with her new identification. She looked at the laminated card and shrugged.

'I can't be bothered to deal with that. Maybe I can convince Misato to do it?'

Picking up the phone, the bottle blonde called her friend with the bad news.

"¬Sorry, Ritsuko,¬" the Captain said. "¬I'm too busy for that. Maybe you could get Section Two to drop it off. Failing that, I don't think that Shinji's got plans for tomorrow afternoon.¬"

"Yeah, I guess. I'll ask him after dinner tonight."


Kodama strolled into her classroom with a smile on her face. The class representative, Tohru Kanzaki noted that it was becoming something of a regular occurrence. She wondered if it was thanks to her relationship with Shinji Ikari.

"Good morning, Kodama-chan," she smiled.

"Good morning, Tohru-chan."

"Judging by the smile on your face, you've been spending time with Shinji-kun."

"Oh yes," Kodama sighed happily as she took her seat. "Shinji-kun..."

Kyoko Hayami entered the room, her posture downbeat.

"Mornin' all," she greeted half-heartedly. The blonde set her bag down before turning to see Kodama. She found herself irritated by the brunette's chipper attitude. "I take it you had fun with Shinji last night."

"Don't be so bitter, Kyoko-chan. It's not your fault you couldn't seduce Shinji-kun," Kodama smirked. "He's just too much of a gentleman."

"About that," Kyoko said, raising a finger. "Just what have you been doing with him? I mean, we're all women of the world here; we have some experience. Just what are you doing with him to keep his attention like that?"

"Sometimes, it's just being in the right place at the right time, Kyoko-chan. As for what I do with Shinji-kun, well, it's not right to kiss and tell."

"Oh," Tohru pouted. "You can't keep this a secret forever, Kodama-chan. You have to tell us!"

"What? Not you too, Tohru-chan! Fine, but all I can say is that I think that Shinji-kun could make me feel good with any part of his body."


After school, Shinji had been called into NERV. The young Ikari looked at the ID card Misato had handed to him.

"Why do you want me to give this to Ayanami-san?"

"Because Ritsuko's lazy," Misato sniped.

"What about you, Misato-san?" the pilot asked.

"I'm too busy. I've got to talk with Section Two about that boy who was harassing you the other day."

"Oh. Ok."


Shinji rang the doorbell on Rei's apartment, but there was no reply. He knocked on the door and found that it was unlocked.

"H-hello?" he called out.

Scanning the hallway, Shinji noticed just how untidy the apartment was. It caused the young Ikari to shudder as he was unable to fight his urge to tidy.

So engrossed with his self-appointed task, Shinji was unaware that Rei had stepped out of the shower.

"Ikari-kun?" she asked as she towelled her blue hair dry. "What are you doing here?"

"I... I can explain," the male pilot insisted, rushing to his feet. Unfortunately, he suffered a rush of blood to the head and became slightly disorientated and lost his balance.

Rei blinked once as she assessed the situation. While it was a scenario that she had been made aware of, it was not something that she had encountered herself.

"This is confusing," the naturally blue-haired girl mused. "I was not aware that situations like this actually occurred outside of certain types of entertainment."

"I'm sorry, Ayanami-san," Shinji apologised as his brain finally came back online. "I didn't mean to touch you like that, it was instinct."

"I see," Rei replied neutrally as her visitor climbed off and scrambled backwards to a respectful distance. "While I did not appreciate the intrusion, it was not an unpleasant experience. What is the purpose of your visit?"

"Dr. Akagi asked me to give you something," the young Ikari said as he appeared to fumble with his trousers. He looked up to see the still neutral expression on the girl's face and raised his hands in a placating way. "It's your new NERV ID."

"I see," Rei said, although she was unable to explain the strange feeling of disappointment that she was suddenly experiencing. "Thank you, Ikari-kun."

"I'm sorry for disturbing you, Ayanami-san. I shouldn't have touched you or your things," Shinji bowed again. "I just reacted when I saw the mess."

The blue-haired pilot looked around at the squalid apartment. "Do you think that you could assist me with the cleaning of this apartment?"

"Yes," the young man nodded. He caught sight of a clock. "Unfortunately, I need to be going to make dinner for Misato-san, but I can come back tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," Rei considered. "Yes, tomorrow would be satisfactory. We will require cleaning materials. We will purchase them on the way home from school."

Shinji was a little surprised at Rei's forwardness, but assumed that his actions were the catalyst for motivating the girl into cleaning her apartment. "Ok, I'll let Misato-san know that she'll have to make tomorrow's dinner herself."


"What? You mean you're not cooking dinner tomorrow?" Misato pouted. "But it's your turn."

For once, Misato Katsuragi wasn't trying to trick Shinji into cooking when it wasn't his turn.

"I'm sorry, Misato-san, but I have to help Ayanami-san clean her apartment," the young Ikari insisted. "It's absolutely filthy, worse than when I moved in here."

"Hey!" the Captain protested in mock indignation.

"What I mean, Misato-san," Shinji said, hoping that he hadn't offended his guardian. "Is that it was just untidy before I moved in. I dread to think when the floors in Ayanami-san's apartment were last cleaned. The kitchen looked like a health hazard, too."

"Oh. But still, it's your turn to cook tomorrow."

"How about I leave you something that you just need to heat up?" the pilot asked. "I'll even leave it in microwaveable containers so you and Ritsuko-san can eat when you're hungry."

Placated, Misato nodded reluctantly. "You better behave yourself at Rei's," she teased. "I know how filthy you teenagers can get."

Knowing that he was being teased, Shinji shook his head and left to see what food there was for him to prepare something suitable.


To be continued...

Pre-read by Chi Vayne and previewed on various intertubes.

Until the next time.